Always Something More

I stood in front of 4 boys and my dad. I was still stunned by what happened with Carmen. She ran up to her room slammed the door and you could hear music being played.
Standing there in front of 3 boys that had been my best of friends and 1 new kid was making me feel uncomfortable. I was starting to burn up even thought the A.C. was on.

Every time I looked up my eyes always feel on Johns and I always looked away immediately. I just wanted to stare into his eyes and see forgiveness but I saw nothing.

To his right was Garrett. This wasn’t my Garrett anymore. When I first met him, he wore orange sweat bands around his head, baggy jeans and was a little troubled teen but now he was all grown up. He was wearing dark wash skinny jeans, a plaid shirt with a graphic tee underneath and his hair was a longer and tousled. He had tattoos around his arms and he looked at me with disappointment.

I had been with Garrett before I left. We became friends in the 9th grade when we bumped into each other at a local record store in the center of town. We never really talked that much before that so I had no idea that his music taste was incredible. We spent a couple of hours in that music store just talking about likes and dislikes of music. And afterwards we went to an In & out and talked more about our lives and school and I think that was the day I started to crush on him. A few weeks after that we went on a couple more “dates” and he asked me to be his girlfriend and I accepted.

When I was with Garrett, every time I saw John I got those butterflies that I got when I first saw John when I moved in. There was something about him that was different from everyone else. Sure when I dated Garrett I really cared for him, he was there for me and he acted like how every boyfriend should act but I still wanted John. I think part of me want to be with Garrett and the other side only dated him so I could get over John and realize that nothing was going to happen. But it wasn’t that easy, John and I’s relationship had a friendly flirty side to it. Every time John got super close to me or put his hands on me, I always wondered what it’d feel like if he actually meant it.

Next to Garret was Kennedy basically my brother. He fit into my family so well. His dad and my dad became super close, his family would come over for dinner and they were almost my second family.

When we were younger Kennedy’s parents got a divorce and that’s when we became super close. I knew what it felt like when parents got a divorce but at least he still got to see both of his parents. He mostly stayed with his mother but on the weekends he would go to his dad’s house which really meant my house. My dad opened our home to him, we had an extra bedroom and that became his room for when he came over. He had his own clothes in there and whatever else he needed.

Kennedy knew all my secrets, I told him about my crush for John and he also knew my plan on moving back to Michigan he just didn’t know when I was going to leave mainly because I had no clue when I was going to leave. He tried so hard to keep me home, he tried convincing me that running away wouldn’t solve anything but he still understood that I had to do it for me.

I told the boys that I wanted to go freshen up and possible take a nap. Only my dad responded with an Okay and a smile. It took me a second to turn around. I looked at the three boys standing there. They were all so important in my life at one point and now I didn’t even know who they were anymore.

I opened my door to my room and it was exactly the same; clean and organized. You could say I have O.C.D, I was very orderly. I liked knowing where everything was and having a mess made me stress out. I looked over and saw a black sweater hanging off of my computer chair. I held it up and it was defiantly a guy’s sweater from American Apparel.
I opened up my luggage and put all my clothes in my drawers or hung them up in my closet. I placed my laptop in front of my big bay window on my desk. I quickly changed into jean shorts and a graphic tee.

As I pulled my comforter down, my sheets were all messed up and it seemed like someone had been sleeping in my bed. At that moment I didn’t really care because sleep was taking over my body and I just needed a small power nap to fix me up.
Do you know what the worst thing is about having wood floors? It’s that when they get old they get creaky and when someone is walking on them you can hear them creak. I opened my eyes and saw a black silhouette tip toeing over to my computer and grabbing the sweater. I wanted to say something or make a noise to tell them that I was wake but I had no power.

I got out of bed soon after that and smelled something delicious coming from the kitchen. I walked down there to see my dad in front of the stove stirring a pot.

“Hi” I softly said as I was fixing my hair into a pony tail.
He turned around and gave me a smile “hey, how was your nap?”

“It felt weird to be in that bed again but I gotta say it’s more comfortable then my bed in Michigan. But it was good”

“that’s good to hear” after that he turned back to the pot and put some spices in and stirred more. “Dinner will be ready in about 20 minutes” he turned back to say.
I nodded my head and started to feel my stomach rumble. “Sounds good. Umm where’s Carmen?”

“Carmen went with the boys and will probably sleep over there like she usually does”

“who does she stay with?” I said curiously

“Kennedy and John got an apartment and everyone usually crashes over there” he said nonchalantly

“Oh right, that sounds fun” a part of me felt left out. I should be over there hanging out with them, but I knew if I went I would be unwelcomed and probably kicked out. I wondered if Carmen and John were still together. He didn’t go after her when she stormed out. I bet they were, they were a cute couple I have to say, I wish I was her, he treated her so well and I wish that was me. I bet they slept in the same bed, curled up next to each other with his arm around her.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when I heard my ringtone go off. I looked down at the screen and it was Andy from back home. He was a boy that I had been seeing for a month or so before I came out here.

“Hey Ands” I said happily. This kid was something. He was tall, long wavy dark hair and the most amazing smile. He always sang to me and played the guitar. He was super funny and always knew how to cheer me up. “How are you?”

“Hey girly girl I’m doing good. Wishing you were here.” he chuckle and told me how much he had missed me even thought it has only been a few days since I last saw him.
We talked about my flight here and the crazy airport. I told him how the weather here was super hot and it wasn’t anything I missed. I also told him about how my sister reacted. But I left out the part of seeing John and Garrett. I really didn’t want to get into it at that moment.
I had told him about my life and when I first told him he was shocked but he was still there for me. Sometimes it was hard for me to talk to him because it seemed like his life was so easy. In some ways I envied him and wish I had his life.

He told me how he just got back from a lame party that someone we knew threw. He told me how two of our good friends Jake and Ryan got into a huge fist fight because Ryan’s girlfriend slept with Jake and it got out of hand so Andy just left the party.

“I should take a road trip and come down to Arizona for a week or so. Wouldn’t that be awesome?”

How did I answer this? Yes I wanted to see him and I missed him but he couldn’t come to where I use to live, he can’t see all the drama that I’ve stirred up. “I’m not sure. I’m not saying I don’t want you to come down its just I haven’t been home in a while and I don’t know. Maybe in August or something. Hopefully all the drama has died down by then”

“Ohh right umm yeah that sounds fine. I totally understand” he didn’t sound right. It sounded like he didn’t trust my answer.

“But I do want you to come down. I miss you. And I could use one of your famous bear hugs” he agreed and laughed. He did give amazing hugs, and I wasn’t a hug person.

“Well I should probably get going I had a long day. Call me tomorrow?” I knew I should probably be getting off soon before my dad called me down for dinner.

“Yeah I’ll call you around the same time tomorrow night. Good night.”

“Goodnight.” And that was that, we hung up and I stayed in the living room for a few and just smiled to myself. Andy was one of my good friends. We were in the same homeroom and gym class so we became friends instantly. We only recently started to go out together alone and we flirted way more. He was also going to Michigan State University which I was thankful for because I hated making new friends alone.

Dinner was delicious; I had forgotten how good of a chef my dad was. Throughout dinner we made small talk. I told him about graduation, and my plans for college.

“And your mother?” I heard worry in his voice. “How is she?”

“She’s um she’s good. You know her, she’s a workaholic.” He just nodded his head and looked at his plate of food. “There were moments where I got really lonely in the house, but I usually had my friends over”

He seemed intrigued by that “friends huh? What kind of friends”

“well I usually had my friends Lauren, Jackie and my friend Andy” I said the last part a little softly hoping he didn’t but he was a dad of course he heard.

He looked up at me “Andy is a boy I’m guessing” he put down his fork and had his full attention on me

“Yes dad he’s a boy but just a friend there’s nothing more.” I really didn’t want to talk about this with him now. So I quickly got up and started to clean up.
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After the kitchen was cleaned I took off and went for a walk around my neighborhood. As I walked through the familiar area I realized that Arizona was just another state, it didn’t hold anything for me anymore. I had screwed up everything and no one wanted me here.

I walked a couple more blocks trying to get to the pond that we use to hang out at when I was younger. I was walking closer to an apartment complex and heard a loud but muffled music being played I looked up and it seemed like a little party was going on. I smirked to myself and remember the very few parties I had gone to in Arizona. I kept on walking and saw the same car that was in my driveway earlier, of course they would buy an apartment so close to my house.

I kept on walking but all I could think of was what John and my sister were probably doing. I should have been there, hanging out with all my best friends, and just being a teen.

I finally got to my destination and it was exactly as I remembered. The swing set that filled so many memories of me and John coming out here to talk. I went on a little path and the same huge wood log was there and someone was sitting on it. I couldn’t tell who it was because their hoodie was up so I decided I shouldn’t interrupt them and should leave. As I was turning around I stepped on a twig and made it crack I only hoped that whoever was sitting there didn’t hear it.

I was walking away now and I heard them starting to walk towards me. I was hoping they weren’t some sick serial killer.

“You know what you did was horrible and no one wants you here” it sounded like they had been crying, their voice was cracking.

I stopped and I truly didn’t want to deal with this now. “I’m sorry ok,” I threw my hands up in the arm and let them fall to my side “I don’t know what else to say. What do you want from me?” there wasn’t much to say besides sorry. And I ran off. I didn’t want to do this.