Always Something More

Today was a new day. That’s what I told myself basically every day when I was in Michigan. Every day was a new start, you had new options, and you could choose a new path, you just couldn’t fret about the past.

The night before with Kennedy, kept me up all night long. I had all these emotions running through me. I was angry at Kennedy who didn’t know the whole truth, I was ashamed of myself, I wish I didn’t blow up at Kennedy, and I felt alone.
I grabbed my phone and pressed in the familiar number, as I waited I got up and went to the bathroom, and looked at myself in the mirror.

“Good morning Rae Rae” everything that had happened the night before disappeared, a smile formed on my lips and I was at peace. “Good morning to you too, how are you on this beautiful day?” I said cheerfully.

“It’s good I’m on my way to the bank then I have to go have dinner with some family later on tonight. How about you? You sound a little down.” I could hear the cars honking, and driving way to fast.

“I’m ok. I went out last night and bumped into Kennedy and then we went out to dinner and”
“wait Kennedy is your ex boyfriend?” Andy was a good listener he just sometimes got the facts mixed up. “No that’s Garrett, Kennedy was my best friend, anyways” he let out a soft ‘right’ “we were in the car waiting for the restaurant to get us a table and we had this long talk and ugh Andy I wish I was home with you, I’m just sick and tired of all these old feeling and memories coming back to me.” I let out a sigh, I just wanted to be back home where everything was stress free.

“What did you guys talk about. And I wish you were home also, I really do miss you Rae.” The way he said that made it so much hard to be away from him, I was really falling for this boy. “well we were talking about this concert that me and john went to a few years ago and on the night when he was dropping me off he kissed me, and Kennedy knew about the kiss because john told him and Kennedy was all ‘he loves you not your sister’ and I was like ‘no he doesn’t’, not anymore at least so it doesn’t even matter.”

“I don’t know what to say that will make the situation better, but maybe there was a reason for Kennedy to tell you this, maybe john still wants you” I started to get mad “Yeah John did WANT me but not anymore. I’m just so done its not why I came here.” I turned around and went back to my room and collapsed on my bed.

“Ok I’m sorry let’s just not talk about it ok. But you must of went back home for something.” He was right there was something, maybe there wasn’t a legit reason why I went home but something told me to come back home. “All I know is that I want my friends back.” “I know you do, just stay strong, and I’m always here for you.” I could hear the smile in his voice and it made me feel a little bit better.

“So the other night, me, Jackie, Lauren and Jake went to that diner by the school…” Andy kept talking but I tuned him out when I heard some footsteps and voices.

I opened up my door and Garrett was coming up the stairs he looked up at me with wide eyes “oh uhh s-sorry, J-John is in the bathroom so I thought I could use the one up here” I gave him a small smile “oh yeah go ahead.” He walked passed me and I leaned my head against the door frame and kept watching him.

“Rae? Are you there? I hear your breathing so I know your there? Helllo earth Rae?” I totally forgot I was still on the phone with Andy “oh sorry I got distracted for a moment.” I totally missed his story “were you listening to my story?” “No I’m sorry say it one more time?” at that moment I didn’t really care for the story.

“well me the girls and Jake went to the diner we always go to you know, and we went after this party that one of Laurens friends were throwing, and let me tell you the party was way crazy, Jake was picked designated driver and everyone was hungry so we went…” there was a knock at my door, so I opened it up so see Garrett standing on the other side. I put up my index finger telling him to hold on for a moment.

“Andy I gotta go, I’ll call you later.” I hung up the phone and looked back at Garrett who was looking down at his shoes. “What’s up Garrett?” there might have been a hint of attitude but I didn’t mean it. “I wanted to talk, do you want to go on a walk?” I was unsure if I should go or not, after last night I wasn’t sure anymore. “Yeah let me get my shoes.” He turned around and went back downstairs, I put on my shoes, took another look in the mirror and fixed my hair. I headed down stairs and saw Garrett waiting for me by the door “alright let’s go!”

“so where are you going to college?” we had so much to talk about and I didn’t want to get to know each other all over again “Garrett,” I stopped walking but he didn’t notice and took a couple steps forward. He turned around and looked at me with the saddest eyes. “Rae, what you did hurt me. If you wanted to be with john you should of broken up with me!” I loved Garrett he was my first serious boyfriend, I didn’t want to hurt him, I didn’t mean for any of it to happen.
“I’m sorry Gare” I said it softly but he still heard it “Rae you’re not sorry, if you were sorry you would of stayed, you would of called you would of tried to at least fix this mess, that’s what the old Rae would of done.” I lifted my arms in the air and let them fall to my sides “Garrett don’t you think I felt horrible after what happened? I broke so many people’s hearts and respect. Arizona is no longer my home, no one wants me here, not even my father.” A stream of tears were going down my face. “I’m sorry for everything I did, it was wrong on all levels but no one knows how it feels like to be Carmen’s sister. I always come in second on everything. I might look pretty but she’ll look beautiful. “ I put my hands over my face and left out a sigh. “Garrett I’m truly sorry. I’d do anything to go back and not do it. I’m just sorry.” I turned around and started to walk away.
“That’s not fair Rae.” Garrett called out at me, I turned around with an angry face. “ What’s not fair?” he walked closer to me “you can’t play that card on everyone” he said as he shook his head “you can make everyone feel bad for you. I’m sorry you feel like your second in your life, you were always number one in my life but now your last on my list.” He said that so harshly I was taken back.
I was shocked as to what he was saying. I didn’t want to hear this anymore. I understood what I did was wrong but I didn’t deserve this.
“I’ll be honest, I was in love with you but ever since the day I saw john I fell in love with him. I’m sorry for putting you through that pain. You didn’t deserve it.” That came from my heart as cheesy as that sounds, I really meant what I just said.
“Just save it Rae” I didn’t have anything else to say, there wasn’t anything else to say so I started to walk away again. “Whatever Garrett, nice talking to you.”
“ You know Rae, Arizona isn’t your home anymore so maybe you should leave.” He yelled out to me but I kept on walking, all I did was lift my hand in the air and flipped him off.
I went down to the pond and no one was there to interrupt me and my thoughts.
I sat on the wood log that still had all the engravings we made so many years ago. It had all our names on it, some inside jokes and a few pictures. I traced my finger around some of them, thinking of the memories I had of them. I didn’t realize I was crying so hard. I had been gone for 2 years and no one cared that I left. Sure maybe they were upset at first but they got over it quickly, I shouldn’t have came back home and made everything worse again.
My dad and I might have been on bad terms but he still wanted me to come home and for some reason that was a good enough reason for me. I knew what I was getting myself into, I knew I would have all these confrontations, I knew everything wouldn’t just go back to how they use to be but I still came home.

I stood up and walked to the edge of the water. The moon shining over the calm water, it made everything seem so peaceful. I stopped crying by now but I could only imagine how puffy and red my face must have been.

I stripped down to my mismatching underwear and bra set and went for a dip. The water felt amazing, it wasn’t too cold or too warm it felt great. I just floated around and looked up at the sky looking at the stars. I thought about going to college in a few months, and then my mind wondered to Andy. I wish he was here right now with me. I was comfortable with myself when I was around him, I knew how to let go a just be free, just like how John made me feel.
Of course my moment to myself had to be disrupted “Rae?” I heard the splashing of
someone coming into the water and I knew who it was.

“Hi John” I said it exhaustingly. I turned towards him and gave him a soft smile.

“What’s wrong?” he said like he actually cared. “What do you think? Being back in Arizona sucks. Everyone hates me. I’m either alone, or I’m out and being yelled at by someone. I’m just tired that’s all.” I ran my hands over my face and closed my eyes. All I wanted was quiet and to be alone.

“well there’s reason why everyone hates you and is yelling at you” I don’t know why but tears once again were starting to form in my eyes. I turned around so john would have to see me cry. “I know! Ok. I don’t need to hear that right now. I’ve had enough from Kennedy and Garrett in the past two days. I don’t need to hear you right now.” My voice cracked and I was sniffling. John grabbed my shoulder and tried to turn me around “hey I think if anyone is upset it should be me you know?” that was it, I couldn’t take hearing what john had to say.
I started to walk passed him but the stupid water made it hard to walk fast. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me to him, I tried to pull away but he was stronger. “ I’m sorry, just stay please it’d be nice to have someone to swim with again.” He looked down at me with a cute smile. “I’ll stay as long as we don’t talk about the situation. If you really need to talk, I’ll fit you in to scream at me for tomorrow.” He nodded his head and let go of me.

We swam around, he asked me around the past two years, graduation and college. We were civil again, well for the moment. It felt nice to have a normal conversation that didn’t end up with me crying.

“We’ll I think I’m going to go, it’s probably late, I’ll see you tomorrow so you can yell at me.” I flashed him a sarcastic smile and left. “Rae just hold on for one second please.” I turned back around and nodded for him to keep talking. “I am mad ok. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you. But like I said the other day, when I think about what happened that night, it makes me laugh. Big whoop you broke Garrett’s heart and you and your sister aren’t talking, I mean you need to talk to them and fix everything but you’re still my best friend even though you played a mean trick on me.” He gave me a smile and I nodded my head and started to leave.

That’s all I wanted to hear, was someone in a way accepting my apology but like he said he had the right to be upset with me. “John” I called back to get his attention “I don’t deserve what you just said. How can you think it’s funny. You shouldn’t be here talking to me all peaceful. You should be yelling at me and giving me what I deserve.” It just boggled my mind that he was taking everything so calmly

“Rae you know me and you know that I don’t hold grudges. I don’t want to be in a fight or be mad at you. Yeah you do deserve my harsh words, but I’m not going to give it to you because what happened, happened. I’m still with Carmen, the band is doing amazing, you seem like the past two years have been great for you. So now it’s a whatever topic. I could care less.” He said it sternly but he meant it because he cared and wanted to get through this. Everything he said was right. My life was great, when I was in Michigan and his life was great. The past was the past. And today was a new day.

I was speechless, I nodded my head and smiled that’s all I could do. With one last wave I turned around and left. I gathered my clothes, I looked behind me at John who was staring at me, he gave me a wave and a smile that told me everything would be ok.