You Know Me.

When the game finally started, I was glad I didn't have to do much. My head still hurt and I was still tired from sleep deprivation. Jamie stayed home trying to stay away from all the teasing Brody would inflict on him. As much as I enjoyed watching the games my brother played, I also missed being on the field more often. For a girl, I was quite strong and athletic. I was always around second best with my brothers. We competed against each other a lot but stuck together as much as we could when we played against another team.

When it came time to kick the ball, my mind started flowing like a movie clip. I remembered kissing Jamie and telling him the things he repeated at the dinner table. I remember telling him about my love for sports and telling him I could never be myself around anyone.

He told me I was beautiful and that he wouldn't care who I really was, and that I was the most honest person to him than anyone including his own family. Brody punched my shoulder for good luck when I realized I was in the game. I tried clearing my mind as much as I could. I looked down the field and took a deep breath. When I kicked the ball as hard as I could, my heart started to drop. The ball went where it was supposed to and we won the game as usual.

Everyone crowded around me patting my back as I just stood there listening to the screams and cheers hoping this moment would end. Memories of Jamie helping me in the past, and the times I helped him, came running through me. I have always known he was a good person, but I tried to be like my older brothers and put him a little to shame.

Not very many people liked me in school but some girls have had their fare share of rejection. I played it off like any other guy would; I would ask her out and never show, she would get mad at me and never talk to me again. When I finally got home, I sat in my room and thought for hours.

“Hey you, were having a party later tonight for the winning team. So get ready, I'm leaving in an hour to get the boys.” Brody interrupted.

“Just go without me. I'm not feeling so well.”

“You pansy. Whatever you say. You better show or I will come back and drag you there.” He chuckled leaving my door open as he left.

I decided to talk to my mom for a moment to let her know my little dilemma. I told her I dressed up last night and found a real sweet guy. I told her we kissed and we both can't stop thinking about it. She felt happy for me but also sorry for me.

It had been her idea that I dress up and see the world in a different perspective. She didn't expect things to happen so quickly. She warned me but also told me to do what felt best to me. I didn't know what to do and decided to go out. This time I was dressed as the person everyone knew me as. When I got there, all my brothers were there drinking and hanging out with the team; everyone except Jamie. Jamie was in the kitchen looking into the bottom of his beer cup, still full and untouched.

I hesitated for a moment but did what a normal good brother would. I approached him and poured myself a beer. “Hey bro, what’s up?” I asked.

“Nothing. Just go with Brody and absorb the success with your team.” He said trying to push me away.

“Hey, I'm not here to be rude, and I'm not here to judge.”

“Fine, but you weren't here so you won't believe me.” He replied staring at his feet.

“Try me.” I challenged.

“Well this girl, she is so beautiful. I know I have been obsessing over Brook for so long, but this girl was different. She made everything I felt for Brook look like nothing. She made me smile, she made me feel like somebody. But when we kissed, it was like she knew who I really was. Not just my persona but who I really am. Maybe I shouldn't be obsessing over my first kiss but... I can't get her out of my mind. I came here tonight hoping she would show. But I guess she really doesn't like me.”

“No, I'm sure she does like you Jamie. She probably just didn't know you were here and decided to stay home or something.”

“Who wouldn't know? I'm brothers with the three most successful football players in the state who just won another game. Who wouldn't hear about this?” He chuckled pitying himself.

“Hey, she will show. If she really is how you make her sound, she will come.”

“No she won't. No one ever wants to see me. I'm a loser.” He said throwing his beer on the floor and stormed outside.

I hated seeing him down. I have always hated anyone in my family being sad, but somehow this time was more difficult. This time, it was my fault. I was that person he was falling for and the one he could never have. Another problem was, he was the only one to ever make me feel the way I made him feel. There had to be some way to help him. I just didn't know how.

I tried talking to him again saying maybe she had to leave or something but he didn't think it was possible. With all my encouragements and suggestions, he didn't feel any better. I decided the only way he would listen was if she could tell him for herself. I ran home and tried finding any girls clothes I could find. The only ones I had were the ones I wore last night. Hoping he didn't remember what I was wearing, I decided to get dressed.
I hurried to the bathroom and combed my hair so it was parted in the middle and looked more like a girl hair cut. I found the clip I used last night and put it on my head to make me look more feminine. I took off the gauze from my chest and struggled in putting the black bra on.

I pulled on my jeans and shirt and paused in front of the mirror. I noticed a stain on the shirt so I decided to look through my mother’s clothes. I couldn’t find anything that my brother’s wouldn’t notice and when I was ready to give up, my mother walked in noticing the mess I had made of her wardrobe. “Oh wow, would you look at yourself. You look beautiful Johanna.”

“Um, thanks mom.”

“What are you doing anyway?” She asked picking up some clothes and folding them back neatly.

“Well, this guy I told you about, I need to tell him I can't see him anymore. This shirt is stained and I need a different one.” I mumbled.

“Here, these might be around your size. Please don't stay up too late and be careful sweet heart. Do what your heart tells you. Your father can't hurt you now, so if this is who you want to be, I think you are old enough to tell the truth. I didn't expect you to dive into this whole guy thing so quickly anyway. It was only temporary but you always did find men more interesting than women.”

“Thanks. I think this is what my heart is telling me. This is who I am. With girls, they are so difficult. They cry, they gossip, they spend hours just to do their hair. Having short hair is much easier.”

“Well I guess that’s true. Johanna, it isn't your name or your image that makes you who you are, it's what you feel inside that counts. It doesn't have to be what is easier for you, it is what you feel is the best for you. Just remember that alright?” She said as I put on a white tank top.

I was slightly embarrassed at how much skin was showing until I looked in the mirror, I was slightly impressed. I was excited to show this body I never showed to anyone and was ready to go out one last time to do so. When I arrived at the party, everyone was outside blaring music talking and laughing. It shouldn't be hard finding Jamie, he wasn't the one to be in those type of crowds. He would most likely be as far away from them as possible.