You Know Me.

I woke the next morning with the same clothes I wore last night. The house was noisy down stairs where everyone was getting ready for breakfast. I looked at the clock next to me finding it was 11:00am. Breakfast was at ten. I wasn't exactly looking forward to breakfast so I was glad I missed it. I got up and messed my hair so it looked the way it always did. I took of my mothers old tank top and threw on a t-shirt and my pajama pants. I left the bra on hoping no one would see anything through my baggy t-shirt.

I slowly made my way down stairs where everyone sat quietly. Brody's head hung low probably from a hangover, Jamie was watching TV, and Charlie was helping mom with clearing the table. Dad was most likely at work as usual, but he already knew everything about me. Sarah had just got off the phone and sat next to Charlie to bug him. My mother told him just about everything.

“Morning sleepy head.” My mother greeted. “I tried waking you up but you wouldn't move a muscle.” She smiled.

“Since everyone is here, could you all please come to the table for a moment? We have something we would like to tell you.” She asked as she sat me down next to her.

“My show just started.” Jamie mumbled not interested in what I had to say.

“Jamie, get over here.” She ordered.

He then plopped his feet on the floor and slowly dragged his feet to the table not looking at me even once. He took a seat as far away from me as possible. “Mom, are you pregnant again?” Brody asked.

“No, just listen up. This will be hard to understand so listen carefully.” She said now looking at me hoping I would start.

I paused not knowing exactly what to say.“Okay, well you already know that I was adopted. The truth is, my mother never wanted me since the moment I was born, and my father.. well he raised me and physically abused me since as long as I can remember. I was taken to foster homes but he always found me and took me home with him. Being raised by a man, I was brought up like one. In living here, I had to change my name, and also change my identity so he would never have a chance of finding me again.” I took a deep breath and leaned back watching my hands.

“ It was my idea to change my name and all that stuff, I just couldn't deal with ever seeing my father again. So my real name is not Jefferey or anything close to it. My name is, Johanna Alexis Mackenzie. I was eight years old when I came here and changed my identity to more of a masculine side. Charlie knows because he was there, and Brody was off somewhere in school then, so no one knew my.. real self but the one's that were there when I was adopted. Jamie was at school, and Sarah wasn't born until a month after.”

Things were silent for a moment until Brody broke the silence. “Johanna? You.. you're a girl?” He asked confused.

“Yes. I have been for a long time. Just picture me as a more 'tom boy' figure.”

“I never said anything, Johanna because I accept you for who you are. I don't care about who you are or how you want to be. You will always be my brother or my sister.” Charlie replied.

“I know Charlie.” I smiled at him.

“So you were the girl at those parties! Now things sort of make sense.” Brody smiled.

Jamie slouched looking away from everyone probably becasuse he wasn't comfortable with the fact that he kissed his once called brother. “It's all good bro, I totally get why you did this, I may not ever let you off the hook for it. But like Charlie said, your family, and we accept everyone under this roof.”

“Thanks Brody. That really means a lot to me. This family will always be dear to me and I don't ever want that to change.” I smiled back.

“I have a sister? That's awesome!” Sarah laughed.

“Well now that we have that settled, does anyone have anything else to say?” My mother added.

Everyone shook their heads and headed off to watch TV or anything else they did around the house. I sat at the table watching as Jamie's expression never changed. He then pushed in his chair and walked up to his room. I hated seeing him this way and I needed for him to understand. I followed him not noticing anyone was watching me.

“Wait, isn't that the girl that Jamie... Never mind.” I heard Brody whisper from behind me.

I stopped in front of Jamie's room and tapped lightly on the door letting myself in. “What do you want?” He asked lying on his bed staring at the roof.

“I just want to talk.” I replied.

“I don't want to talk, I had enough for the day thank you very much.”

“Please Jamie, just hear me out.” I waited for any objections and continued when none came.

“ First of all, I want you to know that the other night, that was real. What I feel for you, is real. If it wasn't for you, I would still be hiding all of this from everyone.
You would still be trying to get that girl you have been trying to get for so long, that be both know, isn't good for enough for you. I would also still be pretending to be someone who I found out I can't be anymore. I just wish you can understand why I did this. I want you to understand that.. these feelings, I didn't expect. If I had expected them, I would have been open about who I really am a long time ago.”

“I'm trying to understand Johanna, I really am. I just don't know what to think. I don't know how to understand.” He said looking at the wall.

I sat myself on the edge of his bed thinking of ways to help him understand why I couldn't tell the truth to the most trustworthy brothers I had. Well adopted brothers. I didn't feel like Jamie was my brother anymore. He was more than that. When you meet someone, they usualy get stuck in the friends zone, or they think of each other as siblings, or they become more. When I was young, it took a while to get into the friends stage and to even become a sibling to Jamie. Now I wanted more from him.
My heart felt like it was right, and my blood told me the same.

“Would this help you understand?” I asked as I put my hand on his showing him an uneven bump in the knuckles of three of my fingers.

Now he was looking at me studying what I was showing him. “These were one of the first ones he gave me. My father, he smashed a cupboard door on these three fingers when I was looking for some food. This scar right here behind my ear was when he hit me in the head with the phone receiver.” I said putting his fingers on each scar.

“This big one on my shoulder blade is when he pushed me down the stairs and I fell onto a shoe rack.” I explained as I slid his hand up the back of my shirt. He was now leaning next to me as I explained some more.

“This one on my hip was when he kicked me with his steel toed boots when I was sick. This one on my ankle was also when he kicked me. I have lots of scars from kicking.” Tears started flooding my eyes as the memories burned from my words.

“This one right here by my heart, was when he kicked me when I was sleeping. He kicked me and kicked me over and over. This time was the worst. He cracked five ribs and this one right here broke and almost punctured my heart.” I cried putting his hand on the big toe shaped scar under my breast.

I could hear him gasp as the warmth from my body traveled to his hand. His chest was now rested on my back as he wrapped his arms tightly around me. I held onto his arms as I cried even more. “I'm so sorry Jamie. If there was anyway I could make this easier, I would do it in a heartbeat.” I cried.

I could hear him struggling to keep himself from breaking down with me. “No Johanna, don't. I'm so sorry that this ever happened to you. For you being here as my brother, I am thankful.”

“How are you thankful for me lying to you?”

“Because you prevented yourself by being found by the one person who could hurt the person I care about the most. You made it so your own father could never hurt you again and so we could be a family. And in some weird way, it brought us together two-three nights ago. I may not accept or understand this completely, but I understand enough. I'm just so sorry this happened to you. I swear if I ever see him, I will personally kill him for ever putting even a finger on you.” He said sniffling from tears that erupted from his sensitive exterior.