I Threw It up to Keep It Down

I wouldn't say the accident was our fault, but it doesn't seem fair to place the blame on them either. The streetlights looked dimmer than usual as they shone pools of light over the rain-slicked road.

I've never been superstitious or anything, but something tells me it was fate that attracted our vehicles to each other like magnets on that gloomy October night. Mother Nature brought the thunderstorm, but even blaming her didn't feel right.

Whatever the cause, the collision resulted in a huge shock, as if I hadn't gotten a taste of how cruel life could be in the last few months.

There was no denying that all of us had hit rock bottom within weeks of each other; whether it was one of us dragging the rest down or the fact that we did everything together, it was hard to tell. What I do know is that it's hard to pick somebody up when you've fallen down too; we were all on the ground.

To be more specific, we were rolling around on the floor and laughing; it's a lot harder to stand up when you're laughing. You can always just stay down, but even that gets old and basic human needs kick in. Besides, whatever it was that was making you laugh isn't all that funny anymore.

It all started on March Break, during that one good party thrown by the guy who had an older sibling to buy him booze, and parents who couldn't care less. We liked to call that kid Matt. He fell first, but dragged Nicki down with him. Or I guess you could say she "fell" for him.

Nicki was my best friend. She was older than me, and she'd tested waters that I'm sure I'd drown in. Needless to say, I brought her to Matt's party, just in case I needed her.

I'd never been to a real party, and the alcohol got to me. When I say "got to me", I mean I couldn't open my mouth without spilling my guts. This kind of gut spilling wasn't sharing secrets either, unless my secret was the contents of my stomach.

Regardless, I walked home and decided to let Nicki stay so as to not ruin her fun too. Without me there to look after, she had a few drinks. I probably would have too.

A few became a lot, and she got smashed. Matt took her keys, although I'm sure she had no intention of driving home.

I didn't know what happened that night because I wasn't there, although I may not have remembered even if I had been.

Long story short, Nicki left the next morning with her keys…and Matt still attached to them apparently; after that night they were inseparable. It was a bit out of character for Nicki to suddenly be so head-over-heels for a boy, but I was happy for her, like a best friend should be. I didn't realize Matt was dragging her down a cliff – a rough tumble down to a river with currents much to strong to swim against.

Nicki didn't love Matt, she loved the drugs. She loved the ecstasy they tried at that March Break party.

When I found out about the E, I was pissed. What do you do when your guardian angel starts to care about nothing but having drugged-up sex with her boyfriend? Let me tell you, there's not much you can do. I'd try and keep her from seeing Matt…but that was before I met his best friend.

Josh and I were more alike. Our addictions didn't involve substances, at first anyway. We'd get high together, but that was weed. And weed was nothing. As far as what we were addicted to, we didn't smoke, snort, or even shoot…we binged and purged.

Having someone to share my eating disorder with was heaven. Nothing to hide, and I didn't ever feel alone. I knew that if someone found out, they'd find out about him too and there was a strange relief in that. Lastly, I didn't have to take any crap from Josh 'cause no one likes to be a hypocrite.

I guess being bulimia buddies was innocent enough. It didn't surprise me that I was so attracted to him either, since we had something so important in common. We fell in lust, and lust was all we seemed to need.

Josh, Matt, Nicki, and I didn't do cheesy double dates or anything, but we were all really close. I'd long since forgiven Nicki for trying E, because I was so grateful to have met Josh.

A strange relationship, that it was. When we weren't eating or taking turns with out heads in the toilet, we were fooling around.

One day, while doing the latter, I saw them. They were tiny holes, but I knew what they were for. I figured Josh avoided showing me his arms because of some mild self-mutilation, a few scratches was a common thing these days. I didn't know he was hiding heroin tracks.

Matt and Nicki knew. They did more than just "know", the trio had matching dotted lines along their veins.

I was angry, but the funny thing was that I was angrier at them for excluding me than actually shooting heroin. I didn't need to beg to join them in this, and soon we were a fucked up quartet.

Somewhere between heroin and crystal meth, rock bottom came. We refused to believe it at the time…how could you hit rock bottom when you were flying so high? But that was just it.

So I guess with Josh behind the wheel of my van, and Nicki driving her car with Matt in the passenger's seat, the scenario wasn't all that unlikely. Considering all four of us were way too high, as usual. With adrenaline pumping, it's harder to find the brake pedal. I remember laughing when I saw headlights coming our way through the rain pouring over the windshield.

Now as I stand here wrapped in a towel, numb from the cold and overall trauma, I can't think of anything but the deafening sirens all around me. I wish I could miss the three friends I lost. I wish I could miss my boyfriend, or even his baby that I was had been carrying, but all I can remember are three excuses for one more hit.