Just a Stranger on a Bus

I had no idea who she was. I’ve never seen her before in my life. I was coming home from work when I first noticed her. The day was dark and it was gloomy. She was standing at the bus station with two friends. She seemed happy. I didn’t really take any special note of her, just that she was there, moved out of my way and said she was sorry. I thought she was just another teenager loitering. She didn’t give me a second glance and so we parted.

I was on my way home from work as I mentioned and when my bus came to the station, I got on without a second thought about anything except for dinner. As I sat in the front of the bus, I stared out the window. I watched as the people walked by, noticing their dumb clothing and their equally dumb conversations. Someone sat down across from me and I glanced over, just to acknowledge them. It was the girl from before. She had headphones in and was staring at the ground. Her long hair was around her shoulders and her body was hidden by a ratty grey sweater. Her long legs were covered in jeans and she wore blue Chuck Taylors. She looked sad. I watched her and her brown eyes danced as they stared at the people climbing aboard the bus.

Her face was slender and beautiful. She looked older than I guessed she was. She was probably 17 judging by her clothing but the way she stared at people, the way her eyes were half closed suggested she was so much older. I saw her sigh. The long breath moved through her body like a wave moving onto the shore. She met my eyes and looked away quickly. She seemed to be upset. She seemed to be alone. She looked down at the ground at my feet, probably just trying to avoid looking at anyone. I wondered what she was thinking. She looked out the window and I glanced around before moving next to her. She looked at me briefly before turning her attention back to the world outside.

“Can I ask you a question?” I asked.

“Sure,” she replied, her eyes finding mine. She tried to seem happier; more rational and less depressed.

“Are you alright?”

“What?” she asked. I understood that I was a stranger and it was odd for someone you don’t know to ask you that.

“I’m sorry if that was rude or creepy. You just looked upset. One of my friends was upset and he killed himself. I don’t know you and I don’t know your situation but I know that someday, whatever this is, will seem dumb and you just need to wait for that day.” I didn’t know why I said it to her but she just stared at me before looking away.

“I’m fine.”

“Why don’t I believe you?” I asked.

“Many people don’t,” she said with a sad smile. I looked at her and I could see the edges of her eyes turn glassy.

“What happened?”

“It’s too complicated.”

“Can I have a shorter version?” I asked. She looked at me. Her mouth was pressed in a hard line and she was swallowing whatever tears were forming in her throat.

“I feel sad. I look at people and wonder why I don’t feel like that.” She looked at a few of the people on the bus. “I feel so alone. Ever since…well. I just feel more alone than I did a few months ago.”

“Oh?”

“I feel empty. I feel like….I feel like something is wrong with me and I don’t know what.” She looked away, brushing away the tears that ran down her cheeks. I stared at her and she stared at her hands. Tears, crystal-like and small, fell onto her hands. She sniffled, a small sound that seemed childish. “I feel lost,” she said. “I feel like I don’t know who I am. And I’ve been feeling like that for a while. I feel something is missing.”

“Do you believe in God?” I asked.

“God and I don’t get along. I believe he is up there,” she said. “I just don’t think he is listening to me. Seventeen years of being an adult and all I ask,” she pressed her lips together to stop a sob while more tears fell down her cheeks onto her grey sweater. “All I ask is for someone, anyone, to help me and to make me feel complete.” She wiped her nose and licked her lips. My chest was tight. I felt sick. “I don’t know who to turn to,” she said, her brown eyes blurred by her tears. I could barely look at them. I wanted to cry with her. “I am so…so alone.” She said. “In a room full of friends, I feel like a stranger,” she said. “I can’t look at the boy I liked for months without feeling like I’m not worthy. I don’t thi….” She began to silently sob. Her mouth was covered by her hand. “I don’t think I’m good enough for…for anyone…” she said into her hand. I glanced around and saw people looking at the ground. They were listening to her. “I can’t….I can’t help but feel broken. I can’t h…” she covered her eyes with her hands. “I have nothing to offer anyone and I don’t want to be forgotten. I’ve been left behind so many times and I can’t handle it again. God….” She drew a shaky, deep breath. “God is supposed to love all of his children. He’s supposed to bring them happiness. Why am I only 18 and feel like I can’t go on another day? Why am I burdened with things adults don’t even have to handle? Why did God make me so miserable? Why am I so alone? What part of his plan involves my unhappiness?” I saw people begin to cry, I heard people sniffle. She wiped her faces and drew deep breathes.

“I’m sorry,” I said softly. My throat was tight and my stomach lurched. She nodded a little and offered me a smile.

“Eventually,” she said. “I’ll find some way to forget. Hopefully,” she said looking around. “Hopefully it’ll be soon because I really can’t handle much more.” She began to cry again and sucked in shaking breathes to stop tears from spilling onto her sweater. I took her hand and squeezed it gently.

“You will be able to move on soon.” I assured. She nodded and looked out the window.

“I wish God would make me a bird so I could fly away from here. I hate it here. So much pain…but I’m sure that’ll follow me, even if I did leave.” She smiled at me and rose.

“I’m sorry,” I said again. She nodded and offered me a smile.

“Thanks,” she said as she turned around. I walked up to her and hugged her. She needed it. She hesitated but hugged me back, patting my back gently.

“Please don’t give up on God. He’s trying. He hears you now and he will do his best to help you.” I handed her something and when she looked down, I smiled. She looked up at me and I looked at the door. “Your stop,” I said. She started to say something but I turned her around and helped her off the bus. I waved to her and she held up a hand, giving me a small good bye. I sat down again and smiled to myself. I could just see her staring at the paper in her hands.

“God is like you; just a stranger on a bus trying to get home.” I watched the world move around me once more and sighed. She was a girl who needed help and I had no way to help her. I sighed to myself and as I got off at my stop, I walked toward the sea wall. I walked through the bright white door and pondered on how I could help that girl and other people like her.