Killing Me Slowly

Everyone gathered together in the middle of the cabin. “Man, it’s so good to see you, Cas” Melissa smiled at me. “Yea, seriously” Dean added.

“Are you alright?” I asked.

“Yea, perfect timing, Cas” Sam said.

“I’m glad I found you…I come with news”

“Yea? What?” Brittney asked with a kind of sweet, curious tone.

“I firmly believe Crowley is alive”

“Yea, ya think Kojak? Well, Bobby what do ya think bout Cas saving our asses again?” Dean asked. “I think I owe you an apology” Bobby said to me.

“Why?” I asked, even though I already knew why. “We’ve been hunting Crowley this whole time…” Sam started. “And keeping it from you…” Brittney added, timidly.

“We thought you were working with him”

“You thought what?” I tried to sound incredulous.

“I know. Crazy right?” Dean said and Melissa smiled lightly. “It’s just…we thought maybe you torched the wrong bones…it doesn’t matter. We were wrong” Bobby said.

Ya know, you .could’ve just asked me” I said. “We should’ve. And we never should’ve doubted you” Melissa said.

“We can only hope you can forgive us” Dean said and they just stared at me with light looks…anticipating my next words.

Wonders never seize. They trusted me again. But it was just another lie.

“It’s forgotten” I smiled. “Thanks” Dean said. “Yea, thanks, Cas” Sam said and now Brittney was grinning.

“It is a little absurd though” I said.

“I know, I know” Bobby sighed.

“Superman going to the dark side. I’m still just Castiel”

When I said that, my eyes were on Melissa’s and her smile dropped slightly and I think I saw some...pain in her eyes…I didn’t know why though. “I guess we could just put away the kryptonite, right?” Dean said as I looked at him.

“Exactly”

Of course I didn’t realize it at the time…but it was all over. Right then. Just like that.

I trudged in with determination, toward Crowley, ready to just rip his head off for trying to kill them. “You sent demons after them?”

“You killed my hunters, why cant I kill yours?”

“They’re my friends”

“You can’t have friends. Not anymore. My god, you’re losing it”

“I’m fine” I insisted…but I think it was more to convince myself.

“Yea…a picture of mental health. Come on, you think I don’t know what this is about?”

“Enlighten me”

“The big line. The Winchesters and the sisters still buy it. The good Cas, the righteous Cas. As long as they still believe it, you get to believe it. Well I got news for you kitten, a whore is a whore, is a whore”

I shoved him up against the wall, causing a big indent in it. He was startled. “I’m only going to say this once. If you touch a hair on their heads, I will tear it all down. Our arrangement. Everything. I’m still an angel. And I will bury you” I threatened…and then I was gone.

I asked myself what was I doing with this vermin…as if I didn’t already know the answer. Raphael was stronger than me and I wouldn’t survive a straight fight…so I went to old friends for help.

I saw Dean raking the leaves, outside his house, on a chilly autumn day and I made myself intangible so he didn’t even know I was standing a few feet behind him. Then, I saw Melissa come outside, but she stopped when she got out onto the deck to just watch him rake. I think she saw what I saw. She saw he was broken…damaged…and I know she was too…but she put him first. And Dean was trying to be strong…not showing what he was feeling…that he was missing his brother and his best friend, because he knew it would hurt Melissa to see him like that…so he kept it together for her…but she saw through it and saw what he really was feeling…sometimes, I wonder if she can really see what I’m really doing….

But watching them both, I stopped. Everything they sacrificed…and I was about to ask them for more.

“Castiel. Angle of Thursday…it’s just not your day is it” Crowley said, appearing behind me.

“What are you doing here?”

“I want to help you, help me, help ourselves”

“Speak plain”

“I want to discuss a simple business transaction”

“I want to make a deal”

“With me…” He didn’t object. “I’m an angel you ass. I don’t have a soul to sell”

“Well, that’s just it, isn’t it. That’s all of it. The souls. It all comes down to souls in the end, doesn’t it?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m talking bout Raphael’s head on a pike. I’m talking bout happy endings for all of us. Come on, just a chat”

“I have no interest in talking with you”

“Why not? I’m very interesting…come on. Hear me out. Five minuets. I’ll make it worth your while” I contemplated it.

I looked back over my shoulder to see Melissa walk down the steps and over to him. He looked up at her, almost questioning what she was doing out here, but without any words, she just took the rake from him, let it fall to the ground and she made him wrap his arms around her in a hug. It didn’t seem like it was something he wanted…from just seeing him rake, he looked like he wanted to be alone…but as soon as she was with him, he hugged her so tight, I almost couldn’t see her anymore in his arms and I could see him try to fight some tears in his eyes. But, she encouraged them. I turned away and walked off with Crowley before he could make some kind of joke. I knew he was about to but he knew better than to do it in front of me, right now.

I was no fool, I knew what Crowley was and what he did, but I was smarter than him. Stronger. I see now that I was prideful. And in all likelihood, I was a fool.

I looked around and saw a few thousand dreary-looking people standing in line. “Where are we?” I asked him. “You don’t recognize it, do you…it’s Haiti’s. New and improved, I did it myself” he said, proudly.

“This is Hell” I said.

“See, the problem with the old place is that most of the inmates were masochists already. A lot of ‘thank you, sir, can I have another hot spike up the jacksy?’ But just look at them. No one likes waiting in line”

“What happens when get to end of line”

“Nothing, they get right to beginning. That’s efficiency”

I just started to walk. “You have four minutes left”

“What are you planning to do about Raphael”

“What can I do except submit or die?”

“Submit or die? What are you, French? What about resist?”

“I’m not strong enough and you know it”

“Not on your own you’re not…but not on you’re own. Lot of your angels swooning over you. Gods favorite. Buddy boy you’ve got what they call sex appeal”

And for some reason, I thought about Brittney and Melissa and how they would pretend to ‘flirt’ with me to make Sam and Dean jealous…and I do think it made them feel inferior because as Crowley said, I had sex appeal. Then, I started to remember when Melissa tried to teach me how to flirt…and you can only imagine how that went…I wasn’t aware how badly memories hurt though before I met these four.

Then, he proposed the idea of starting a civil war in Heaven which was the craziest thing I’ve ever heard…and especially being around Sam, Dean, Brittney and Melissa, I’ve heard plenty of crazy things. To my ears, that was him asking me to be the next Lucifer…but his argument was very convincing. The amount of power it would take to start a war would be more than anything…but Crowley said he knew how to find purgatory. He said he needed expert hunters to get it, but I told him we needed to leave Melissa and Dean out of it. They were retired and needed to stay that way….

This plan was going to take months and I needed help right at that moment…so he offered me 50 thousand souls from Hell to bring to Heaven. I had to consider this plan. If I didn’t, it would be the apocalypse all over again. Everything I worked for…everything Dean, Sam, Melissa and Brittney worked for…it would’ve been for nothing. So I agreed.

I wish I could say was clean of pride of that moment…or the next. There was going to be no apocalypse. I made that very clear to all angels. They were either with me or with Raphael. And so went the long road of good intentions…a road that brought me here.

“Castiel, we need you for a little pow wow down here, so come on down” I heard Dean call.

I showed up to them and they were still at the cabin. “Hello”

“Johnny on the spot” Bobby said.

“You’re still here”

“Yea, we had to bury the bodies” Melissa said as she had her arms wrapped around her body and her voice was quiet…fragile even.

“And we found a little whiskey” Dean added before I could question her on it. “Thanks for coming”

“How can I help?” I asked. “We have a new plan” Sam said. “We think we have a new way to track down Crowley” Brittney added. “What is it?" I asked as I stepped forward.

“It’s you” Bobby said and he through down a match which sparked a circle of flames around me. I was trapped in a circle of holy fire.

“What are you doing?” I asked as I jumped slightly, looking around me. “We’re gonna talk” Dean said.

“About what? Let me go”

“About superman…and kryptonite” Melissa said, shrugging, trying to find some kind of power in her voice.

“How do you know what I said?” Bobby asked. “How long have you been spying on us?” Sam asked. “You know who spies on people, Cas? Spies” Dean said.

“Alright wait, I don’t even know what you mean” I said, feeling flustered.

“What about this demon crap hole? How is it so next to godliness clean in here?” Brittney asked. “How exactly did Crowley trick you into burning wrong bones?” Bobby asked.

“That is hard to explain. Just let me go. Let me out and I can…” I tried, feeling overwhelmed by their questions and the trapped feeling the holy fire was giving me at the same time.

“Cas…” Melissa spoke and I froze. “Please just look at me…” she started so I forced my eyes up to meet hers. “You have to level with me and tell me what the hell’s going on…look me in the eye and tell me you aren’t working with Crowley, Cas” she said and I saw she was letting a little bit of her weakness show.

I couldn’t tell her that, though. Earlier, when Melissa was trying to convince Bobby, Sam and Brittney they were wrong about me, she said everything I did for them…but there was also everything they did for me. So, lying to her face like this wouldn’t have been right…I couldn’t do it. I stayed silent…and seeing how hurt she was…the way she looked at me…like I stabbed her in the back…not just figuratively.

“Son of a bitch” she muttered and shook her head. “Let me explain” I tried again. “You’re in it with him? You and Crowley have been going after purgatory this whole time?” Dean raised his voice.

Looking at him was just as worse. He looked at me like he didn’t even recognize who I was…like I was some stranger to him….

“I did it to protect you! I did it to protect all of you!”

“Protect us how? By opening a hole into monster land?” Sam asked. “He’s right, Cas. One drop got through and it was Eve and you wanna break through the entire dam?” Bobby asked.

“To get the souls. I can stop Raphael. Please, you have to trust me”

"Trust you? How the hell are we supposed to trust you now, Cas?” Brittney asked, but her voice was still light.

“I’m still me. I’m still your friend. Brittney, Sam, I'm the one who raised you both from perdition” I told them. They all looked at me in shock. “What?” they breathed out.

“Well no offense, you did a pretty piss poor job of it” Sam said. “Wait…did you bring us back soulless on purpose?” Brittney demanded and Sam’s expression changed, thinking the same thing she was now. And then they were all wondering it.

“How could you think that?”

“Well, I’m thinking a lot of things right now, Cas”

“Listen, Raphael will kill us all. He’ll turn the world into a graveyard. I had no choice”

“No, you had a choice” Melissa said, monotonously. “You just made the wrong one” Dean added.

“You don’t understand. It’s complicated”

“No, actually, it’s not. Why else would you `keep this a secret, unless you knew it was wrong?” Melissa questioned.

“When crap like this comes around we deal with it, like we always have. What we don’t do is we don’t go out and make another deal with the devil” Dean said, forcefully.

“Sounds so simple when you say it like that. Where were you when I needed to hear it?”

“I was there. Where were you?”

I thought about the two of them outside together and how Melissa grabbed another rake and started to rake the leaves with him…but it turned into the two of them getting side tracked as Jesse came running outside and they all just ended up jumping around in the leaves anyway.

Yea, he was there…they were both there…but they were living their lives with their son…and I didn’t have the right to just take it away from them.

“You should’ve come to us for help, Cas” Melissa said, lightly.

“Maybe…” But, then the cabin started to shake a little and we could see black smoke swarming around outside. “It’s too late. I cant turn back now. I cant”

“It’s not too late”

“Damn it, Cas, we can fix this!” Dean insisted.

“Dean, it’s not broken!” I yelled back. I could feel them getting closer and closer. “Run. You have to run now” They didn’t. “Run!”

So, then Sam took Brittney’s hand and led her out the door as Bobby followed and Dean put a hand on Melissa’s back to lead her there, but they both stopped and turned to look at me and I just stared back at them for a moment before they both took off out the door.

Seconds after…Crowley came walking in. “My, my…playing with fire again?” he asked.

I didn’t respond, so he used a hand and pushed down the flames so they vanished and I stepped out of the charred circle. “If you touch the Winchesters, Melissa and Brittney…”

“Please. I heard you the first time. Nary a hair on their heads. Plus I think thy proved my point for me. It’s always your friends isn’t it in the end. Try to change, try to improve ourselves, always our friends who gotta claw into our sides and hold us back. You know what I see here? The new god and the new devil working together here?”

I spun around to face him with a hard look. “Enough. Stop talking. Get out of my sight” I said, stiffly.

He analyzed my look. “Wow. Glad I came. You’re welcome by the way” He started walking toward the door. “Ya know, the difference between you and me…I know what I am. What are you, Castiel. What exactly are you willing to do?” And then he was gone.

~~~~

I went to Bobby’s. Dean and Melissa were sleeping side by side on his couch in the living room. They were sound asleep with his front to her back and his arm was around her, keeping her close to him. They almost looked like two puzzle pieces. But then my presence awoke Dean…I would’ve expected Melissa to feel me here and awake instead but she seemed to be dreaming. And she just didn’t want to wake up. When Dean saw me, he almost jumped, but he was careful not to move Melissa.

“Hello, Dean”

“How’d you get in here?” he demanded, looking at the blood symbols all over their windows.

“The angel proofing Bobby put on the house…he had a few things wrong”

Then, I waited patiently as he began to shift in his spot, untangling their legs and climbing over her, careful not to wake her or move her too much. She stirred a little, but then she just turned over and fell back into her deep sleep.

“Why are you here?” Dean asked me.

“I want you to understand”

“Believe me, I get it. Blah, blah, Raphael, right”

“I’m doing this for you, Dean. I’m doing this because of you”

“Because of me…you gotta be kidding me”

“You and Melissa are the ones who taught me freedom and free will…” I started to say with more force. “Lower your damn voice” he snapped his voice at me as his eyes went to Melissa.

I glanced at her, but looked back at Dean as he pointed to his ears and then at her. I understood. Dean ran a hand over his face in frustration. “You’re a friggin child, ya know that? Just because you can do what you want doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want”

“I know what I’m doing, Dean”

“I’m not gonna logic you, okay? I’m saying don’t just cause. I’m asking you not to that’s it”

“I don’t understand”

“Next to Sam, Melissa, and Brittney, you and Bobby are closest things I have to family. You are like a brother to me. So if I’m asking you not to do something, you gotta trust me man”

“Or what?”

I saw he was taken back by my two simple words…he wasn’t expecting them…he didn’t want to hear me say them…I didn’t want to have said them….

“Or I’ll have to do what I’ll have to do to stop you”

“You cant, Dean. You’re just a man. I’m an angel”

“I don’t know. I’ve taken some pretty big fish”

I looked down for a second…and then I looked back up at him. “I’m sorry, Dean”

“Well, I’m sorry too, then”

~~

Well, that’s everything. I believe it’s what you would call a tragedy from the human perspective, but maybe human perspective is limited, I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you, father, one last time…am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path? You have to tell me. You have to give me a sign. Because if you don’t, I’m gonna…I’m gonna do whatever I must.