10 Reasons Why I Love You
one and only.
I was a hopeless mess before I met Zachary James Baker. I could feel the madness wrapping its black hands around my heart, tainting it with its poison and digging into the fragile folds of my veins. My mind was askew with uncertainty, and as every day passed by I became more and aware of the fact that I was becoming insanity itself, and that my entire body was being painted black by the poison.
I felt as though I had become the mantra of death, because my soul had been sucked from my body and I was nothing more than I lifeless vessel that was left gasping for every breath. But my heart refused to give in, and it clutched at the last threads of my spirit that were so desperate to escape. My heart screamed to hold on, to not let go and to keep fighting. But my mind was louder, and it screamed to disappear so that I would be condemned to darkness forever.
It didn’t help that I didn’t know why. I didn’t know why the madness had chosen me, and I didn’t know what I had done to deserve it. I didn’t understand why my world had been painted grey by Mother Nature herself, and why my soul was so desperate to leave my body. Wasn’t I good enough? Had I done something wrong that led me to deserve this?
I was embarrassed by my own disability to enjoy the life I had been blessed with. I was ashamed of my weaknesses and horrified at the fact that they wouldn’t go away. I thought that I would pass through life unnoticed, and that I would remain unnoticed for the rest of my life.
But I didn’t, because somehow, he noticed me.
It started out as a crinkled post-it note shoved into the bottom of my locker.
01: You’re beautiful.
My heart thumped wildly in my chest, and my crystalline eyes automatically darted around the locker bay, searching for the person that had placed the neon paper into my locker. A deep scarlet hue flooded my cheeks and I subconsciously closed my fingers around the paper, clenching it tightly with folded ivory fingers.
My first thought was that it was a joke. That someone had placed it in my locker as a prank; as a way of tearing me down and ripping my confidence to shreds. The writing had been scrawled down in messy script, right in the middle of the paper and with a heart doodled at the side.
A frown formed on my lips, my heart beginning to slow its pace. It had to be a lie, because when it came down to it, I wasn’t beautiful. I was a mess, and although I smiled and laughed like I was happy the sparkle in my eyes couldn’t hide my insecurity.
But still, I hung on to the hope that whoever it was that wrote the note was seeing a side of me that my vision had been impaired from seeing. That maybe I was beautiful, and that someone out there really thought that.
Because really, hope was all I had.
It was three days later -- at the end of the week that I received the next note. It was written on a ripped piece of loose-leaf paper, which had been scribbled on with black marker and decorated with messy smiley-faces.
02: The way you smile at whatever book you’re reading as though you’re part of it too.
The message confused me, and my eyebrows crinkled up in thought. What were the numbers for, and how did this person know me that well? How did they see all of the little things that I couldn’t see, and why were they writing them for me?
My hands crinkled around the paper, pushing it to the back of my locker as a small flush filled my cheeks.
A piece of red streaked through my heart, breaking away the blackness that had painted it. And without realizing it, a small smile formed on my lips.
A week passed and there was no sign of another note, and although I would never admit it I couldn’t help the disappointment that clenched around my heart.
Pushing an errant strand of my red hair away from my eyes, a sigh left my lips as they trailed across the locker bay. My classmates were buzzing around me with smiles on their faces, and in that moment I had never felt more out of place. I felt as though I was a black blob standing in between streaks of colour, and that no matter what I did I could never become one of them.
I tried to smile at a girl that walked past and a sneer of response crept onto her ruby lips. Slightly shaken, I backed towards my locker, turning away from the groups of people with a trembling heart.
Pulling it open, I shoved my books inside before blowing out a deep sigh through my mouth and slamming it shut. Allowing my eyes to flutter shut for a second, I took in a deep breath to soothe myself and stop my clamoring heart from racing.
There was a tap on my shoulder and I turned around, flinching slightly when I came face to face with a pair of emerald eyes. Raven hair hung in thick strands over his glowing eyes, and there was a smile on his lips that were dotted with snakebites. His skin was dark in comparison to mine, and his body was built in a way that made me seem petite. “This fell out of your locker,” he said softly, and my widened eyes dropped down to his hands.
Seeing the familiar handwriting, I snatched it from his hands and took a step back, my heart racing erratically in my chest. My back banged against the metal of my locker and I winced slightly, flushing darkly as he grinned at me with pearly-white teeth. “You okay?”
Breathing in a calming breath, I shoved my hair away from my face and nodded briskly. He smiled at this and nodded his head before giving me a friendly wave and walking away, leaving me staring after his retreating back.
Uncurling the scrunched-up paper with shaking fingers, I looked down at the writing that was there.
03: The way you blush when someone talks to you.
A small smile tugged at my lips, and my heart warmed slightly as I buried the paper into my pocket. The smile never leaving my lips, I turned and walked away down the hallways, ignorant of the people buzzing around me.
Two months passed, and at least once a fortnight I would find a little note in my locker, scribbled on a scrunched piece of lined paper and decorated with hearts and faces. Every time I did a smile would find its way onto my lips, and every twinge of doubt that crowded my mind would fade until I was no longer frightened. It didn’t matter to me that I didn’t know who the writer was or even for sure whether it was a joke or not, but the scribbled words became a replacement for the negativity that seemed to be anchored into my brain.
9: The fact that you stay strong even though you don’t feel like that.
10: The smile that sits on your lips when you read these notes.
After the tenth note, no others came. They stopped completely, and I was left waiting anxiously for another one to appear to appease my lowering mood and confidence. They had become the source of my happiness and the antidote for my insanity, and without them I was slipping lower again, haunted by the thought that whoever it was had given up on me.
Why had they found me special in the first place? I didn’t get it at all, and most of all, I didn’t get why they had given up.
Placing my lunch on the grass in front of me, I sighed softly as I shielded my pale-blue eyes away from the blaring rays of the sun and tilted them towards the ground. A warm breeze brushed over my shoulders and I shivered slightly at the sudden change, pushing my hair behind my ear as I licked over my lips.
I let out a small yelp as I felt something hit me in the face, and a flush immediately filled my cheeks as a groan of frustration left my lips. My eyebrows were furrowed in annoyance as I searched for the offending object, my mouth forming into a frown as I noticed that it was a little paper airplane made out of newspaper.
Picking it up with steady fingers, I pulled the wings down so that the words inside were exposed to me, and a small smile danced onto my lips when I noticed the familiar scrawl.
There are more than ten reasons that I could tell you, but in all honesty I’ve run out of guts to say them. Instead, I’m going to tell you the truth.
You’re beautiful; when you smile you make my heart race and when I see you in the hallway I always want to kiss you. I want to kiss you because you seem so damn miserable when everything in me screams that you should be happy.
You don’t know me. At least, I don’t think you know me, but you should know that even without watching you break down I’ve fallen in love with you. It wasn’t impossible. I wasn’t scared. Because honestly, Kayla, you made it easy.
Those were the ten reasons why I love you, but if you let me I could list hundreds. I could write them all over your walls, just so that you would remember that there’s someone out there who cares.
Smile if this note makes you happy. Please, smile for me. Because if you do I’ll come over there and I’ll tell you the truth to your face, and you can choose to scream abuse at me or accept the fact that I like you. Because Kayla, there are hundreds of reasons why I have fallen for you and I can think of none that could keep me away.
“You’re smiling.” It was a short statement, spoken in a low, hesitant voice, and it sounded in my ears as though I was hearing for the first time. And I knew that it was the truth, because there was a grin on my face and there were tears in my eyes, and my heart was racing like it never had before. Because my world had been dabbed with colour, and I was slowly realizing that it had not been insanity that had grasped my mind in its fingers. It had been doubt. I wasn’t broken.
Looking up, I smiled slightly when I met his wide green eyes, which were slightly unsure as they stared into mine. He was right; I barely knew him at all, but through his notes and his smile I realized that he was the person that had opened my eyes again, and allowed me to see the world as it truly was. “I am,” I said quietly, my cheeks flushing darkly as I steadily held his gaze.
He took a seat beside me, running his fingers through his hair as he sent me a crooked grin. “You should smile more often,” he grinned, his emerald eyes sparkling like diamonds as he watched me.
Hesitantly, I placed the paper beside me and reached out for his hand, intertwining my fingers in his. He looked startled by my forwardness, but he squeezed my hand slightly to let me know that he appreciated the affection. “I think I will,” I smiled.
I felt as though I had become the mantra of death, because my soul had been sucked from my body and I was nothing more than I lifeless vessel that was left gasping for every breath. But my heart refused to give in, and it clutched at the last threads of my spirit that were so desperate to escape. My heart screamed to hold on, to not let go and to keep fighting. But my mind was louder, and it screamed to disappear so that I would be condemned to darkness forever.
It didn’t help that I didn’t know why. I didn’t know why the madness had chosen me, and I didn’t know what I had done to deserve it. I didn’t understand why my world had been painted grey by Mother Nature herself, and why my soul was so desperate to leave my body. Wasn’t I good enough? Had I done something wrong that led me to deserve this?
I was embarrassed by my own disability to enjoy the life I had been blessed with. I was ashamed of my weaknesses and horrified at the fact that they wouldn’t go away. I thought that I would pass through life unnoticed, and that I would remain unnoticed for the rest of my life.
But I didn’t, because somehow, he noticed me.
It started out as a crinkled post-it note shoved into the bottom of my locker.
01: You’re beautiful.
My heart thumped wildly in my chest, and my crystalline eyes automatically darted around the locker bay, searching for the person that had placed the neon paper into my locker. A deep scarlet hue flooded my cheeks and I subconsciously closed my fingers around the paper, clenching it tightly with folded ivory fingers.
My first thought was that it was a joke. That someone had placed it in my locker as a prank; as a way of tearing me down and ripping my confidence to shreds. The writing had been scrawled down in messy script, right in the middle of the paper and with a heart doodled at the side.
A frown formed on my lips, my heart beginning to slow its pace. It had to be a lie, because when it came down to it, I wasn’t beautiful. I was a mess, and although I smiled and laughed like I was happy the sparkle in my eyes couldn’t hide my insecurity.
But still, I hung on to the hope that whoever it was that wrote the note was seeing a side of me that my vision had been impaired from seeing. That maybe I was beautiful, and that someone out there really thought that.
Because really, hope was all I had.
It was three days later -- at the end of the week that I received the next note. It was written on a ripped piece of loose-leaf paper, which had been scribbled on with black marker and decorated with messy smiley-faces.
02: The way you smile at whatever book you’re reading as though you’re part of it too.
The message confused me, and my eyebrows crinkled up in thought. What were the numbers for, and how did this person know me that well? How did they see all of the little things that I couldn’t see, and why were they writing them for me?
My hands crinkled around the paper, pushing it to the back of my locker as a small flush filled my cheeks.
A piece of red streaked through my heart, breaking away the blackness that had painted it. And without realizing it, a small smile formed on my lips.
A week passed and there was no sign of another note, and although I would never admit it I couldn’t help the disappointment that clenched around my heart.
Pushing an errant strand of my red hair away from my eyes, a sigh left my lips as they trailed across the locker bay. My classmates were buzzing around me with smiles on their faces, and in that moment I had never felt more out of place. I felt as though I was a black blob standing in between streaks of colour, and that no matter what I did I could never become one of them.
I tried to smile at a girl that walked past and a sneer of response crept onto her ruby lips. Slightly shaken, I backed towards my locker, turning away from the groups of people with a trembling heart.
Pulling it open, I shoved my books inside before blowing out a deep sigh through my mouth and slamming it shut. Allowing my eyes to flutter shut for a second, I took in a deep breath to soothe myself and stop my clamoring heart from racing.
There was a tap on my shoulder and I turned around, flinching slightly when I came face to face with a pair of emerald eyes. Raven hair hung in thick strands over his glowing eyes, and there was a smile on his lips that were dotted with snakebites. His skin was dark in comparison to mine, and his body was built in a way that made me seem petite. “This fell out of your locker,” he said softly, and my widened eyes dropped down to his hands.
Seeing the familiar handwriting, I snatched it from his hands and took a step back, my heart racing erratically in my chest. My back banged against the metal of my locker and I winced slightly, flushing darkly as he grinned at me with pearly-white teeth. “You okay?”
Breathing in a calming breath, I shoved my hair away from my face and nodded briskly. He smiled at this and nodded his head before giving me a friendly wave and walking away, leaving me staring after his retreating back.
Uncurling the scrunched-up paper with shaking fingers, I looked down at the writing that was there.
03: The way you blush when someone talks to you.
A small smile tugged at my lips, and my heart warmed slightly as I buried the paper into my pocket. The smile never leaving my lips, I turned and walked away down the hallways, ignorant of the people buzzing around me.
Two months passed, and at least once a fortnight I would find a little note in my locker, scribbled on a scrunched piece of lined paper and decorated with hearts and faces. Every time I did a smile would find its way onto my lips, and every twinge of doubt that crowded my mind would fade until I was no longer frightened. It didn’t matter to me that I didn’t know who the writer was or even for sure whether it was a joke or not, but the scribbled words became a replacement for the negativity that seemed to be anchored into my brain.
9: The fact that you stay strong even though you don’t feel like that.
10: The smile that sits on your lips when you read these notes.
After the tenth note, no others came. They stopped completely, and I was left waiting anxiously for another one to appear to appease my lowering mood and confidence. They had become the source of my happiness and the antidote for my insanity, and without them I was slipping lower again, haunted by the thought that whoever it was had given up on me.
Why had they found me special in the first place? I didn’t get it at all, and most of all, I didn’t get why they had given up.
Placing my lunch on the grass in front of me, I sighed softly as I shielded my pale-blue eyes away from the blaring rays of the sun and tilted them towards the ground. A warm breeze brushed over my shoulders and I shivered slightly at the sudden change, pushing my hair behind my ear as I licked over my lips.
I let out a small yelp as I felt something hit me in the face, and a flush immediately filled my cheeks as a groan of frustration left my lips. My eyebrows were furrowed in annoyance as I searched for the offending object, my mouth forming into a frown as I noticed that it was a little paper airplane made out of newspaper.
Picking it up with steady fingers, I pulled the wings down so that the words inside were exposed to me, and a small smile danced onto my lips when I noticed the familiar scrawl.
There are more than ten reasons that I could tell you, but in all honesty I’ve run out of guts to say them. Instead, I’m going to tell you the truth.
You’re beautiful; when you smile you make my heart race and when I see you in the hallway I always want to kiss you. I want to kiss you because you seem so damn miserable when everything in me screams that you should be happy.
You don’t know me. At least, I don’t think you know me, but you should know that even without watching you break down I’ve fallen in love with you. It wasn’t impossible. I wasn’t scared. Because honestly, Kayla, you made it easy.
Those were the ten reasons why I love you, but if you let me I could list hundreds. I could write them all over your walls, just so that you would remember that there’s someone out there who cares.
Smile if this note makes you happy. Please, smile for me. Because if you do I’ll come over there and I’ll tell you the truth to your face, and you can choose to scream abuse at me or accept the fact that I like you. Because Kayla, there are hundreds of reasons why I have fallen for you and I can think of none that could keep me away.
“You’re smiling.” It was a short statement, spoken in a low, hesitant voice, and it sounded in my ears as though I was hearing for the first time. And I knew that it was the truth, because there was a grin on my face and there were tears in my eyes, and my heart was racing like it never had before. Because my world had been dabbed with colour, and I was slowly realizing that it had not been insanity that had grasped my mind in its fingers. It had been doubt. I wasn’t broken.
Looking up, I smiled slightly when I met his wide green eyes, which were slightly unsure as they stared into mine. He was right; I barely knew him at all, but through his notes and his smile I realized that he was the person that had opened my eyes again, and allowed me to see the world as it truly was. “I am,” I said quietly, my cheeks flushing darkly as I steadily held his gaze.
He took a seat beside me, running his fingers through his hair as he sent me a crooked grin. “You should smile more often,” he grinned, his emerald eyes sparkling like diamonds as he watched me.
Hesitantly, I placed the paper beside me and reached out for his hand, intertwining my fingers in his. He looked startled by my forwardness, but he squeezed my hand slightly to let me know that he appreciated the affection. “I think I will,” I smiled.