Someday She'll Know Who I Am

She stood there, cigarette in between her two fingers, looking out at the street. It was late, and she needed to go home, but she still just stood there outside the bar, music from inside muffled out here, and I looked at her, but she didn't even glance over for a second.

She exhaled smoke, and it curled up into the sky. She stumbled down the sidewalk, and I watched her, wondering if maybe I should follow. Make sure she was okay.

I mean, it would be nothing new to me.

Her name was Nicole. I'd known her since preschool. Her parents were friends with my parents since they were in high school, and when we were born only a few months apart, they were ecstatic. We went through years of being forced on "play dates" and going to each other's birthday parties, but I never liked her. I don't think she liked me, either.

She was in my class every year in elementary school. She was the "goodie goodie" with her chocolate brown hair and big brown eyes, and her nice clothes, and brains. Everyone adored her. Boys, girls, teachers. It was like that in middle school, too.

But sometime in the summer before high school, everything fell apart. It was the typical high school tragedy sob story. Her parents split up because her Dad was having an affair with some rich skank (not saying her parents weren't already rich. They were absolutely loaded), her first boyfriend from middle school dumped her, and her big brother who she adored left for college across the country. No one heard from her after that until the first day of school.

She showed up with her brown hair dyed almost black, her eyes coated in eyeliner and mascara, heels that made her almost taller than me, a mini skirt, and a skin tight shirt. I think she was trying to show everyone it didn't hurt her. She was still unbreakable.

She left behind all her friends, and quickly filled the slot of "popular girl". She went to parties, got wasted, stumbled in the door of her house and her Mom would just sit there, and not say a word, and Nicole was totally okay with it.

I guess, somewhere in between stupid childhood rivalries and that first year of high school, I sort of started... admiring Nicole. She didn't care what people thought of her, she was smart, she was fun. Everyone wanted to be around her. All the boys wanted to be with her. She didn't even glance at any of the nice guys ways, though. At least, unless they were in her circle of friends. I had no fucking chance. I always said to myself, though, when I got somewhere with my life, she would realize I'd been there along. That she loved me.

The defining moment of when I started falling for her, though, was when we were sixteen. There was this huge party, and for some strange reason, I was invited. I got there late, but just soon enough to see Nicole, wasted out of her mind, pack of cigarettes bulging from her pocket, and a guy with his hands all over her.

That wasn't the thing, though. She looked up, and she looked so scared, and lost, and the little girl I knew that had straight A's in middle school was begging for a way to get back.

After that, I started going to all the parties same as she did, and when she was too drunk to stand, I was the one who drove her home, sneaked her in the window so no one saw, and made sure no one took advantage of her.

Of course, she never recognized it. I didn't even think she knew my name. All I got out of it was a few appreciative smiles from the other side of the cafeteria, or a glance my way walking to class.

On graduation day, I was standing back after all the diplomas had been handed out, waiting for the crowd to clear so I could go see my family. I stood there, in my stupid looking graduation gown, staring at the ground when she walked up to me. I thought maybe, at first she had confused me with someone else, but she came right up to me, and pressed her lips to my cheek, pulling away with a genuine smile that I hadn't seen since middle school. "Thanks, Nick."

"What for?" I asked her quietly, in total shock.

"For... everything."

Some buff guy with huge arms called her name, and she ran over to him, waving goodbye at me with a smile on her face. He wrapped his arm around her, and that was the last time I saw her.

She was just that popular girl that didn't seem to know I existed, and she was that girl that everyone liked, and I was that skinny kid who she never even saw, and she was that high school crush you didn't think you'd ever get over, and that was it. Years later, and I hadn't even thought about it.

That is, until now.

A few weeks ago, I came to this bar, and there she was. The same girl, just a bit older. Just a bit more confident. Last I heard, she was going to some preppy college in California, but there she was. She went Friday, and Saturday every single week, and for some reason, I found myself going too, and looking out for her. Old habits die hard, I guess.

Just like high school, she still didn't notice me. I went there, had a few drinks, watched her lose her mind (in a non-stalker way, I swear to god), and then went home. I liked to think it was mere curiosity, or maybe holding onto something from my past.

Nicole stumbled around the corner, and disappeared from my sight. That was alright, though.

She'd be back tomorrow.

--

I sat on the bar stool, playing around with my phone, bored out of my mind. Eric was supposed to meet me here so I wouldn't be alone, but he bailed, so here I was.

I felt sort of creepy going to the bar every night she was there, glancing over at the most popular girl in my grade all through high school, wondering if I'd ever grow a pair and actually go talk to her. I felt really weird seeing her, but I was... curious. I wanted to know where she'd been. What had happened since high school.

She had been sitting a few bar stools down from me last time I saw her, about ten minutes ago, giggling and flirting with some broad-shouldered douche bag, but when I looked over, taking a sip of my first and most likely only drink, she wasn't there anymore. Not odd, I guess. I mean, she couldn't sit there all night, but I scanned the rest of the place, and didn't even see her.

'Maybe she left...' I thought to myself, turning around and trying not to think about it anymore. It just seemed odd. She just got here. Why would she leave already?

I turned again, looking over at the hallway that led to the dirty public bathrooms, and the first thing I saw was previously mentioned broad shouldered douche bag, and when I looked closer, him shoving Nicole against a wall. Roughly.

I went still, and watched.

I could see Nicole open her mouth, her lips moving the words "Don't touch me." "Fuck off", etc, etc, etc.

Then, he fucking pushed her.

I could tell he was drunk, and I could also tell she was too, but she was scared. I saw that more, and without even really thinking about it, I got up and went over there, pushing the douche bag off of her.

I could already tell this wasn't going to go good. He looked like he worked out every single day, whereas I looked like... a scrawny pathetic wimp. He looked at me, angry and wasted, and I took a step back.

"Leave her alone, okay? Fuck around with someone who's willing."

Nicole was pressed against the wall, her chest heaving, and her eyes wide. The guy started advancing on me, and I was fucking terrified, but I just grabbed Nicole's hand, and took off running like a bat out of hell.

We stumbled out onto the sidewalk, and her knees buckled. I held her up, panting, and she looked up at me gratefully. "Thank you."

"No problem." I smiled nervously at her, trying to catch my breath.

"I was... I was scared." She said, her words kind of slurred. She leaned on me for support. "I don't think... I don't think I should go back in there today."

"No. No, you shouldn't." I said breathlessly, leading her a bit farther away. We walked down the sidewalk.

"What's your name, by the way? You know, cause you saved my life probably and all."

She didn't remember me. Go figure. "I'm Nick Santino. We went to high school together."

She squinted at me, and tilted her head. "We... did. Nick Santino. I remember you, I think."

I smiled weakly and just looked away.

"How have you been, Nick?"

"I've been good. I'm in a band." I shrugged. "What about you?"

"Fucking great. Dropped out of college, no job, not that I need one, I just party. It's good. Real good." She giggled and rested her head on my shoulder. I stood totally still.

"I see."

"Yup."

"Look, Nicole, do you want me to drive you home?"

She grinned at me. "I'd love that."

My heart was beating in my ears. For some reason, I felt like I was in high school all over again, with that rush of the popular kid paying attention to you. It was really, really weird. "Alright. My car is this way."

She followed after me, her hand still in mind. I noticed how soft her hands were just before we reached the car.

She got in the passengers seat, leaning her head against the back of it almost immediately.

"Where do you live?" I asked. Only after did I realize how sort of creepy it sounded.

She started giving me directions. The place wasn't too far from here, which is probably why she always went to this bar. It was actually within walking distance. Of course, I had no problem with driving her. None at all.

We got to her house, and she undid her seat belt with shaky hands, and opened the door. "Thanks, Nick. Really. I appreciate it." She smiled at me.

"It's no problem. Really."

"Do you go there often, or...?"

"Yeah, yeah. I do." Now I do .

"Guess I'll be seeing you around then." She got out of the car and was about to walk away, when I called her name. She turned and came back over to the car, tilting her head at me. I grabbed a pen from the glove box, and grabbed her hand, writing my number on it.

"If you ever need me for anything, call me, alright?"

She looked down at her hand, then looked back up at me, smiling. "Will do. Night, Nick." She waved goodbye, and ran off, hugging herself, and I saw her disappear through the front door.

I just sat there in the car for a minute before driving myself home, just thinking.

She didn't even know me. In the morning, she will probably have forgotten.

And she didn't give a damn.

--

Surprisingly, she did remember. Or at least, she pretended to when she texted me the next morning. She might have just read the number on her hand and been trying to figure out who it was, but if that was true, she was pretty convincing otherwise. None the less, we were in contact, and that was awesome.

We started talking a lot. I would go to the bar on the nights she was there, and we would talk, and then she would would run off and find someone better, but it was still alright with me.

Some days, I would go over to her place for a little while, and she would talk to me about who she'd hooked up with, or what she'd been drinking, and I would just sit and listen, and I noticed every time she would be talking, she's smile and giggle, but her voice sounded empty. There was nothing in her eyes. She looked... gone.

Of course, I couldn't ask her what was wrong. I did once, and she said something along the lines of "Nothing, my life is perfect", which I didn't know how to argue with. I worried about her, though. I just didn't know what to do, or if anything even needed to be done.

Our little friendship had been going on for weeks and weeks, and yet that's all. It was just the same little conversations, and her leaving me behind when she saw a hotter, more socially acceptable guy. I was sort of didn't mind though. I was awestruck by her, and the way she didn't give a shit about anything, and just did what she wanted.

I didn't really care about how she treated me until the night of her birthday.

She hadn't really talked about her birthday the week of it. She mentioned it a few times, how her friends were coming to the bar and they were all hanging out. She didn't mention me coming, and she didn't invite me, but I didn't really think anything of it. I went anyways.

I saw her standing there with all her friends. I recognized a few of them from high school. They were the popular kids. Nicole looked beautiful. Her hair was down and wavy, and she looked happy for once. I didn't even really think about it. I just walked over.

"Hey, Nicole."

Her laugh faded and her face fell. At that moment, I realized coming here was a bad idea. I took a step back.

"Hi Nick." She said quietly. I could feel the eyes of her friends judging me. I was so out of place with all of them. I was covered in tattoos, while they all looked like they stepped out of some sort of American Eagle ad.

"Happy Birthday." I said sheepishly.

She smiled weakly. Her friends started whispering amongst themselves.

"Well... I'll, uh... go." I turned and started walking away.

"Nick! Wait! Nick!"

Nicole chased after me, and grabbed my shoulder. I spun around and looked at her.

"Don't leave." She said. "Please."

"I don't fit in with you guys, Nicole." I said, shrugging my shoulders. "I'm okay with that."

She looked at me, then desperately back to them. "You could, though. I want you too."

"I'm not changing for you Nicole. You're a cool girl, but I'm not turning into some other dude just to hang around with you and your friends. I don't care what you think of me, in all honesty."

She frowned, and just nodded. "O-Okay..."

I smiled at her as she started walking back to her friends. I waved, and left the bar, not sure if I was going to come back or not.

--

It had been about a week and a half since Nicole's birthday. I hadn't seen her, or heard from her. I texted her a few times, but she didn't reply. Part of me was sad about it, but the other half sort of felt like it was just a matter of time.

Nicole had always been like that. She had no idea who anyone was besides her popular friends, and people who belonged with her, and everyone else just didn't exist. Me included. She was only nice to me for the free rides and someone to brag to.

I didn't even mind, though.

One of the reasons I liked her so much was the way she didn't give a shit. She drank, she smoke, she walked around like she was better than everyone else. Those weren't necessarily good things, but the confidence she had in herself was. Everything about her I was really, really interested in.

It was just stupid, and I was aware, but, there is always that weird appeal for that one person who is terrible for you.

I was sitting alone at home, thinking about all of this, and as if on cue, my phone rang.

It was her.

I hesitated for a moment, feeling the phone vibrate, seeing her name and picture light up my screen... then I answered it.

"Hello?"

No words. I heard a splash of water, something falling to the floor and scattering everywhere. Someone crying.

That was really all I needed to jump up from the couch, and run to the car.

--

I knew it could be nothing. Hell, it probably was nothing. She pocket dialed me and I misheard, but still, I didn't want to take a chance. I drove to her house as fast as I could.

Her car was in the driveway when I got there, so she was most likely home. I got out of the car and ran to the door. I knocked, but no one came to the door. I tried the handle, and the door easily opened. I stepped gingerly into her house, closing the door behind me. I heard the sound of running water, and started down the hallway.

Then, I heard the crying again.

"Nicole?" I called hesitantly. "Nicole, are you here?"

The bathroom door the open a crack. Water was leaking down the hallway.

I ran to the bathroom, and saw Nicole sitting there on the floor, totally naked, crying, with a bottle of sleeping pills on the ground, pills scattered all over. The water was from the bathtub, with all the drains plugged.

It didn't really take long for me to figure out what was going on.

"Nicole, are you okay!?" I crouched down beside her, grabbing a towel from the rack and wrapping her in it. "Nicole!?"

"Leave me alone, Nick. Okay?!"

I shook my head, and held her chin so she would look at me. "Nicole, you called me."

"I dropped my phone... it musta hit your speed dial number..." She mumbled.

"What are you doing?"

"Can you please just leave, Nick?"

"Nicole!"

She jerked away from me. "I'm just... so... sad all the time." She choked out. "I just want to die sometimes, Nick. I just..."

I just looked at her, shocked. I had no idea she had been anything but happy. That was all she ever made herself seem.

"I'm just empty. I don't care about anything, or anyone, and I'm just... nothing. I just didn't want to do it anymore." Nicole hugged her knees to her chest. "But I couldn't do it, Nick. I couldn't do it. I didn't take the pills."

"Why would you do this? You're beautiful, and you have... everything."

"I only have those friends because they're too shallow to give a fuck about my problems. So I can fake it flawlessly. That's why I was so... horrible to you since I saw you at the bar a few months ago..." She sniffed, and turned her head so I couldn't see her face.

I frowned. "You weren't horrible to me."

"Not to your face. I said shit behind your back. Told my friends.... You could see things they couldn't, and you barely knew me. It scared me."

I looked down at the water covering the floor, unsure what to say.

"It's been like this for as long as I can remember. That's why I do what I do. Nobody can see you're sad when you're too wasted to stand, right?" She laughed weakly. "That was how I did it."

I didn't hesitate this time. I just wrapped my arms around her, held her close to me, and let her cry, and tell me everything. Tell me how used to felt, and how worthless, and how she'd felt like this forever, how she wanted me to stay. I listened, and I wiped away her tears.

"I was really stupid Nick. You've always been there when I needed something. Ever since high school, and I never even... noticed you."

"It's okay." I whispered, pushing her wet hair from her tear stained eyes. "I'm not going anywhere now."

Nicole, the girl who didn't give a damn about anyone but herself tried to kill herself tonight. I was the one that found her. I was the one that held her as she told her secrets. Somewhere I never thought I'd be, ever.

I always told myself that someday she'd know who I was. Someday she'd know who I am.

I couldn't even wrap my head around it. It all seemed so surreal. I had nothing to say, so I just pressed my lips against hers, and let her tears stop.