Fat

I managed to escape from Jake at lunch today. I just had to get rid of my lunch. It was pizza from the canteen. I could just feel the oil and fat churning inside of me. I had to get it out.

Without telling Jake I was going anywhere, I jumped out of my seat and bolted for the bathroom. I heard him call out: “Caleb? Where the f*ck are you going so fast?”

I ignored him and kept running towards the building holding the ceramic dish that would soon be splattered with my lunch. I ignored Dustin when he and his group started yelling things I didn’t hear as I ran past them. I pushed through a group of kids who looked to be from Year 7 and finally found myself in the bathroom. Alone.

I went to the furthest stall away from the door and bent over the bowl. I didn’t even hesitate. I just shoved my fingers down my throat until I gagged and bile started rising. It scares me how easy it is to do now. I threw up everything in my stomach until there was nothing left. I sat on the floor of the bathroom for a few minutes, catching my breath and hugging the toilet bowl so I didn’t collapse or faint.

Then he walked in.

He went straight to the sink and washed his hands. I just stared. Gosh, he’s so gorgeous. I still can’t believe that he bothered to save someone as disgusting and pathetic as me.

Once his hands were clean he turned to grab some paper towel to dry them. He spotted me then. I was panting and pale and sweaty from vomiting. His eyes widened.

“Hey, are you okay?” he said.

I just nodded, and tried to stand up. I failed miserably, and fell back to the floor. He came over to me, and grabbed me gently under the arms. It must’ve been a struggle for him to lift up someone who’s probably twice his weight, but he didn’t show it as he lifted me and helped me over to the sinks, where he picked me up slightly and sat me on the counter. He went to flush the toilet and came back a second later.

“You were vomiting? What’s wrong?”
“S-stomach bug” I lied. I didn’t look him in the eyes.
“Ah, that sucks. Stomach bugs are awful, but at least they don’t last too long.”

I nodded. I couldn’t say anything. I looked up at him through my hair. He really is spectacular.
He smiled, and my stomach lurched. But not in a bad way; it’s hard to explain. I can’t understand it.
He was staring at me for what seemed like forever before his eyes kind of lit up.

“Oh! Oh my god, you’re that kid from the other day. Sorry I had to run off in a hurry, I had to get to the office to get my timetable changed before class started. I’m Lucas, by the way.”

Lucas. What a perfect name, for a perfect man.

“What’s your name?”
“C-C-”
“Caleb! Why the f*ck did you just leave, man? Been looking for you everywhere” Jake found me.

I still couldn’t speak. So Lucas did.

“He was throwing up. He’s got a stomach bug”
“Huh, that’s weird, you didn’t look sick when you ran off…”

Lucas frowned, and Jake did the same. I hid behind my hair again.

“Caleb?”
“I-I’m sick, okay? Just…just leave me alone” I shouted, making two sets of eyes widen.

I ran out of the bathroom. I cried in an empty classroom for what seemed like hours. I missed both my afternoon classes.

I ruined a friendship. If I wasn’t so stupid, I could have had two friendships, if Lucas wasn’t talking to me just because he felt sorry for me. Now I have none.

I’m so stupid. I’m so stupid. I’m so fucking stupid.