Fat

I haven’t really felt like writing lately. As soon as I come home from school, I’ve just been going to sleep. I’m just so tired, all the time. I haven’t eaten anything except a few plain crackers every day since my date with Lucas on Saturday. I didn't throw up that fettuccini carbonara, because Lucas bought it for me. It still made me feel bad though.

Lucas and Jake and Andi and Mel and Sammy (Daniel and Alex haven’t been sitting with us this past week. Lucas says that some weeks they’re not seen at all at lunch time. He thinks they go off to have sex. I don’t know where they would go though. Anyway, I don’t really want to think about it) have tried to get me to eat at lunch but I can’t. It just makes me feel sick. Food just repulses me now. Now that I have a perfect boyfriend, I need to look good, so food has to repulse me until I'm skinny.

Speaking of perfect boyfriends; things are going pretty well with Lucas. He’s really nice and for some crazy reason, seems to really like me. He kisses me a lot, which makes me blush a lot. Sometimes he puts his tongue in my mouth. Yesterday, I put mine in his. His mouth tastes nice, but that could have been because he had just eaten a spearmint. He always eats them. I don’t know what it tastes like otherwise. He says that I taste nice though. I bet I don’t though. I bet he’s just saying it to be nice. He’s too good to me.

Mel keeps saying disgusting things about Lucas wanting to have sex with me and do “other” things with me. I don’t know what she means by “other” things, but I don’t think Lucas wants to have sex with me. Nobody would. He would throw up if he saw what I look like under clothes. I haven’t lost any weight. I keep looking in the mirror and I think I’m actually getting fatter. All I can see is blubber and fat. It makes me cry. I’ll never be good enough for Lucas.

He lies to me though, sometimes. He keeps saying I’m looking too skinny, that I need to eat. He told me to do a Body Mass Index test. He said he thinks I’m underweight. He’s lying. I didn’t do a test either. I don’t want to know that I’m too fat. I already know that.

Oh, I feel so dizzy and tired, even though I’m sitting in my bed. Lucas called me earlier and told me to sleep, because he could hear me yawning. He joked that he was boring me. He wasn’t. I told him I’m always tired.

He said, “Hmm…Cale, maybe you should see a doctor? I’m really worried about you. You’re so frail. I feel like I’m about to snap you every time I hug you. How much do you weigh?”

I told him I didn’t know.

He just said “Hmm” again, and “Okay, Cale. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? I’ll pick you up at the normal time. Bye, baby”

I wonder why he kept “Hmm”ing.

I’m going to sleep. I’m so tired…