Fat

I’m in hospital. This is the first time I’ve been allowed to use my laptop since I woke up, and that was a while ago. Apparently I was asleep for 3 days. They had to put me in an induced coma because I was seizing. Mother and Father came home and I was sitting in my bed with my laptop on my lap and seizing. Mother took me to the hospital. She told me when I woke up that the nurses nearly had a heart attack when she carried me in (although how she managed to carry me, I don’t know). She said it was because of how “skinny” I was more than anything else, but I don’t believe her. I wasn’t skinny then, and I’m definitely not skinny now. I’m still fat, but they keep making me eat all this horrible food to make me put weight on. I hate it. But they said I have to eat it and not throw it up. They said I have anorexia and bulimia. Mother nearly cried when they told her that, Father just frowned, and I heard him say later to Mother when he thought I was asleep that “boys don’t get eating disorders”. Father is right; I don’t have anorexia or bulimia. I was just on a diet. They’re making things up to make me eat and keep getting fat.

When they made me stand on a scale a day after I woke up, I fought with them, but they insisted I look for myself. I think the scale was rigged, even though they said it wasn’t. It said I was 30 kilograms. There is no way someone as huge as me could be that light. They said I really was that much “underweight”, and that caused the acute kidney failure and congestive heart failure. I don’t know what that really means, but I don’t think it’s very good. The kidney failure is what was making me seize, the doctors told me.

The doctors told me I died for 2 minutes, too. The seizing made my heart stop and they worked hard to get it restarted. That was when they put me in the coma. I was working so hard to stay alive that I would’ve died if I didn’t have any help. Or something along those lines. I don’t really listen much; it makes my head hurt with all their medical terms and that.

I have to stay at the hospital for another month, so they can monitor my health and eating habits. They said that usually people with anorexia and bulimia are allowed to recover at home with therapy sessions, but because of the severity of my kidney and heart failure I have to stay in hospital for a while. It sucks. It’s so boring here, but at least I’ve had visitors.

Jake’s been in to see me a few times, about twice a week, usually. Andi, Mel and Sammy came in once not long after I woke up.

Lucas has been in everyday. At first I didn’t want to see him because I was embarrassed and guilty about how I’d acted towards him, but Jake told me that Lucas didn’t care about anything except how I was feeling and how sorry he is that he didn’t notice my eating disorders sooner.

When I finally let him come in, I told him that there weren’t any eating disorders to notice so there was no need to feel bad, but he didn’t pay any attention to what I said. He just keeps apologising and apologising. I don’t want him to feel bad, but I can tell he does. He helps me take my medication, and holds me when I cry, which is often.

I want him to kiss me, but he hasn’t. Not since before I went into hospital, before he found out about how horrible I am.

Maybe he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore. I wouldn’t blame him if he doesn’t. I’m just a pathetic mess and I don’t deserve someone like Lucas.

The nurse is making me get off the computer now. She says I need rest. I am quite tired, and I want to be awake when Lucas comes and visits me after school. So, I’m going to go to sleep now. Maybe he’ll kiss me this afternoon…

I doubt it though. He doesn’t want me anymore…