Fat

I’m really tired right now. Lucas called me last night at about 8 o’clock and we spent a long time on the phone and then an even longer time talking online. So I went to bed at 2:30 this morning. I know Mother would be furious if she found out that I stayed up so late last night talking to my boyfriend when I was going to see him at school today so I’m just going to keep that little tidbit to myself.

But anyway, Mother said it was fine for me to go into work with Lucas on Thursday so we talked a little about that: about what I’d get to see them do, how the photo shoots come into place behind the scenes, hair and makeup and all that stuff, and even seeing the models changing clothes in between takes, which will be super hot. Oh, gosh, did I just write that? I think Jake and Mel’s dirty minds have been getting to me a bit. I keep thinking about Sunday night, when I saw Lucas’ perfect body without clothes on for the first time and it makes me feel funny in my stomach and sometimes somewhere else too. That really freaks me out because I don’t really know what to do when that happens to me. I kind of just have to wait until it goes down, but it’s still really awkward…

Speaking of Sunday, Lucas and I talked about that as well, mostly about what happened between us after dessert. He told me that he knows I feel a bit uncomfortable about it now but that I shouldn’t worry because 1: he said I have a “beautiful body” (lies) and 2: that we don’t have to do anything else until I’m ready to.

I think that’s a bit unfair on him because I’m sure he gets frustrated sometimes by the lack of sexual contact. I mean, he’s 18, he’s already had sex before and done blowjobs and stuff like that and now that he’s going out with someone who’s only just had their first kiss with him, he’s bound to want more.

But when I started to say all of this, he told me to shut up and that he’s perfectly content to wait until I’m ready for anything, because he loves me.

He’s so sweet. I love him, too. How did I manage to find such a perfect boyfriend? And how does he manage to stand such a flawed, ugly and disgusting boyfriend?

It just doesn’t make sense. But I’m glad that he does stand it. I don’t know how I’d be now if I didn’t have Lucas in my life. He’s wonderful.

And now I’m going to bed, because I’m exhausted and Father is telling me to put my light out and to “get off that blasted computer”. I should definitely do as I’m told; otherwise he’ll probably take it off me and go through it. No way is that happening! Bedtime!