Fat

Today, I’ve been with Lucas for 3 whole months; the longest relationship I’ve ever been in (and the only one). He picked me up for school this morning and as soon as I got into his car, he immediately attacked me with kisses. They were mostly on my neck which tickled me and made me squirm. When he was done with my neck, he kissed me long and hard once on my mouth, said “I love you, baby. Happy anniversary” to me, and then pulled away so he could start the car and drive us to school.

I was still bright red by the time we got there and parked. The way my boyfriend makes me feel is just ridiculous. Happy, nervous, embarrassed, scared, squirmy, loved, fat, hopeful, confused, jumpy, optimistic. Those are only some of the things I feel when I think about Lucas. And they’re all jumbled up inside of me and a lot of the time, I don’t know which is the most prevalent.

Lucas spent all the time he could at school holding my hand and giving me cuddles all day. Obviously he couldn’t while we were in class, but in our breaks he was always touching me one place or another. When he was sure that people (not including his friends and Jake) weren’t looking at us, he’d steal a kiss and I was happy to give them back. He also kept whispering in my ear that he really wished that we could spend the afternoon and evening together and that he wasn’t happy that his parents were making him study. I told him that it was okay; I don’t want him getting in trouble off his parents and I want him to do well in his final year of school, even though he says he couldn’t care less about it. I care though. I know he wants to be a model, and I know that he’s good enough to be a model, but I also know that modelling doesn’t last forever so it’ll be good for him to have something to back it up with. But then again, if I keep working hard at school like my father wants, I’ll hopefully be able to support him when I get a job and move away from home and in with him. Although somehow, I don’t think my father has me being with a man in mind when he forces me to study. Well, the joke will be on him. I love Lucas, and besides, Mother is accepting of my relationship and will support me. And so will my friends and Marissa. She phoned me up the other day, asking how things were going with Lucas and my “recovery from my eating disorder”. I told her things were going well with Lucas. I didn’t answer about anything else and she didn’t bug me about it. She probably knows that I needed to lose the weight anyway. It just sucks that I keep putting on weight. I hate it. I just want to stay skinny. I have realised that I was actually skinny before. I was looking at photos that the doctors took of me when I went into the hospital when I got home from school this afternoon, after Lucas and I spent about 15 minutes kissing in his car and he put his hand in my pants and did the same thing he did the other day. It meant that I had to change as soon as I got inside and thankfully Mother didn’t come up to my room until after I was finished and much less red than I was when Lucas was doing it.

Mother still noticed I was red and shaking though, but just let a small smile escape and thankfully didn’t say anything. She just took the photos of my out of the envelope and we looked over them for about an hour. At one point, I looked up, and she was wiping a tear away, so I gave her a hug and said “I’m sorry, Mum”. It was actually the first time I realised that I was really skinny then. Not now though. I weigh 53.5 kilograms now and my tummy is pudgy again. I hate it. But I am not going to throw up for Lucas’ and Mother’s and Jake’s and Marissa’s sake. I know that they love me and it hurts them when I throw up, even though it makes me feel better. I haven’t thrown up since the 4th of March, but I’ve wanted to. Every day. It’s only thinking of Lucas that stops me.