Fat

Father made me go back to school today, even though it’s only today and tomorrow and then it’s school holidays for two weeks. We had a huge argument about it last night. Mother and I agreed that it’s stupid that I go back on the second last day of term but Father won the argument. Father always wins arguments. I could hear my parents still talking about it when I went to bed last night, which ended in someone getting up from their bed and slamming the door behind them as they left the room.

They were both up and eating breakfast already when I got up so I don’t know who slept on the couch last night. Breakfast was a very awkward event. Father’s face looked so crazily angry that I didn’t even try and argue about staying home again, even though that’s what I had vowed to do last night before I went to bed.

He stormed out of the kitchen as soon as his bowl of cereal was eaten and his orange juice drunk. He had put his morning coffee into a thermos thing to take to work with him. He didn’t even say goodbye to Mother when he went out the front door.

I was dreading going to school today much more than I did when the new school year started. I didn’t want to see Lucas. I didn’t want to see anyone.

But what I want never seems to be allowed in my life because the very first person I saw as I walked into the gate was Sammy. And he saw me. And he came over to me. And I walked in the opposite direction.

He called after me, but I just kept walking.

Luckily, the bell rang not long after I arrived at school so I was able to duck into my first class straight away so that Sammy couldn’t follow me. I just hoped against hope that Dustin wasn’t going to be at school today because all I needed was him and his stupid friends smirking at me and laughing all day.

As luck would have it, he didn’t show up for class, giving me some hope that he had taken a few days off to start holidays early. One of his friends was there and they walked past me and called me “faggot” under his breath but that was the only incident that happened until lunch time.

I didn’t want to go anywhere near where Lucas would be, and I knew he would be in the lunch room with his friends. I was heading in the opposite direction towards the music room when I ran into Andi.

“Caleb. Hi. How are you?”
“I-um, I’m okay…I’ve gotta go…” I mumbled.
“Wait! Caleb, please don’t be like this. Lucas, he, well, he’s a mess. He misses you so much, and he’s more sorry than you could possibly imagine. He loves you, Caleb and he made a huge mistake…”

I didn’t know what to say to that. So I just left.

I didn’t want Andi to see me cry, which I did as soon as I entered the music room, and continued to do for the rest of the lunch period. My stomach hurt when the bell rang from sobbing so hard.

I struggled with holding myself together for the rest of the school day. I felt like I was being torn apart: One half of me was saying that I should hate Lucas and never talk to him again, and the other half was telling me to run back into his arms and love him.

I don’t know how much more I can deal with. My mind is hazy and confused.

I don’t know what to do.