Fat

Mother came into my room this afternoon. I was sitting in my bed watching a movie. It seems to be the only thing I can do that doesn’t make me dizzy.

She sat on the edge and looked at me. I paused the movie. She said “Lucas was just on the phone, Caleb. He really wants to talk to you but I told him you didn’t want to talk. He’s worried about you.”

I just sniffed. Hearing his name makes me sad.

“Maybe you should try and work this out? You know I’m not a fan of your relationship with him, but I know you’re both hurting.”

I didn’t know what to say. I know that I’m hurting, but I don’t know about him. He could get a new boyfriend easily if he wanted to. I couldn’t. He was the first boy to ever look at me romantically and probably the last.

I was so stupid to end things with him. Even though he cheated, I still should have stayed with him because he was the only boyfriend I could ever get. He’s perfect – gorgeous and nice and smart – and I screwed it all up.

And now I’m going to be alone forever because I’m stupid and ugly.

I didn’t say any of this to Mother. She eventually left and I switched off the movie. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. I struggled to breathe I was crying so much. It gave me a headache.

Why does this have to hurt so much?