Fat

My chest felt a bit better this morning. It was still a little bit uncomfortable but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been last night.

Mother asked me if I wanted anything from the supermarket before she went. I asked for green tea, and she frowned, but didn’t question it. I’ve never really been one to have hot drinks at home, so I guess it was a little weird. She left soon after and I went into the bathroom for a shower.

I made sure that I stayed facing away from the mirror as I took my clothes off. Doing that has become routine because I don’t want to see what I look like. It’s bad enough that I can feel my body while I’m washing myself. I get nauseous thinking about it.

The bathroom scale mocks me. When I get out of the shower and start to dry myself, it always catches my eye and I feel like it’s laughing at me. It knows how much weight I’ve put on.

Usually I manage to have a shower and get dressed without seeing myself but today was different. I just finished off a bottle of shampoo and brought it out of the shower with me so that I could throw it away. I forgot about the mirror sitting just above the bathroom vanity and I glanced up just as I put the bottle down. It was just a fleeting look but it was enough for me to see myself properly for the first time. I stood in front of my mirror, mesmerised. I knew I had put weight on, but not that much. I’m hideous.

Bile rose in my throat the more I looked at myself. I threw up violently into the toilet and then I started to cry.

I cried so hard that I couldn’t stop. I could barely breathe. Everything hurt as I gasped in breaths. My mouth tasted terrible from the vomit. My head throbbed and my eyes stung. I was a mess, sitting naked on the bathroom floor next to the toilet. I wished I could just drown myself in it so all of this could be over.

I’m not sure how long I stayed like that but I snapped out of it when I heard the front door slam, telling me Mother was back home. I didn’t want her to find me like I was so I dragged myself up off the ground and flushed the toilet before I got dressed.

Mother called up the stairs to me to come down and I did, after I splashed my face with cold water and swished some Listerine around my mouth to take the vomit taste out. Then I plastered a smile on my face. She didn’t seem to notice anything was wrong. She just chattered on about something trivial for a while before I was allowed to leave and go back upstairs.

We had steak and chips for dinner, since the meat was on special. I only ate the steak. And then I threw it up.

Father didn’t turn up at home after work until about 11 o’clock. I was sent upstairs when he came home. Mother and Father were fighting because Mother had cooked a steak for him and he didn’t even tell her he wasn’t going to be home for dinner. He got so mad he threw the plate and stormed out of the house. I came downstairs again to find Mother kneeling on the floor picking up the large pieces of the plate. I got her the dustpan and brush and she thanked me. “You’re a good kid Caleb” she said, smiling sadly. I hugged her when she had finished cleaning, but only for a second. We aren’t really a huggy family.

She looked at me funny as I pulled away from the hug but I ignored it and left to go back upstairs for bed.
“I love you Caleb” she said. “Don’t forget that okay?”
I nodded. “Love you too, Mum” I replied, slightly confused. She sounded sad.

I wonder what she would say if she found out I was on my diet again. Probably not “I love you”.