My Everything

Chapter 16: To Tell Or Not To Tell That Is The Question…

The next morning I woke with a pounding headache. Looking to my beside table I saw a glass of water and two aspirin. Juliet was so good to me. I laid there for a second remembering my party. Juliet had done a really good job. I jolted up remembering that I had almost told her how I felt. I had almost told her everything. Everything. I almost told her that I loved her. It scared the shit out of me, it had been a long time since I had been scared to say I love you. I had fallen in love with someone knew in two months, was that natural? To move on so fast? If I was truthful with myself I would say that I fell in love with her the night we met but I wasn’t ready to go that far. Then I remembered something Mike had told me earlier in the week.

**Flashback**

“Mike I don’t know what to do. She leaves at the end of the week. I really don’t want her to go. I can be myself around her, she likes my kids, she pays attention to them. I just don’t want to see her go.” I said looking at him from my seat on the couch. Juliet had decided to spend the day with Emi and Takisha, having a girls day. Mike and Tre were both over at my house.

“Do you love her Bill?” Mike asked bluntly.

“What?” His question had taken me by surprise. It was one I didn’t expect. Of course this is Mike we’re talking about.

“Do you love her?” Tre asked repeating Mike’s question. Both of them were looking at me waiting for an answer. I looked away from them and out the bay windows overlooking the front yard, I looked down at my hands before sighing. “Bill?”

“I don’t know guys…at least not for sure…I know that I like her a lot. I like her enough not to want to see her leave…I don’t want her to go. I want her to stay here with me.” I replied looking between Mike and Tre.

“Well man, I’m not sure what to tell you. I don’t know exactly how to help you.” Mike said plainly. “I mean the only thing I could suggest would be to listen to what’s in here.” Mike put his hand up to my heart. “And not what’s in here telling you to run away.” Mike said putting his finger on my forehead.

“His brain?” Tre asked, breaking up the seriousness. Sadly he was seriously asking the question.

“You’ve been talking to my mother?” I asked jokingly. Mike smiled but shook his head. Leaning back into the couch cushion he spoke.

“Yeah, actually. That was what she said she thought you should do. I actually agree with her. It’s probably the one thing that won’t steer you in the wrong direction.” He smiled, a goofy smile but I knew that he absolutely believed what he was saying.

~Follow my heart…like it was that easy. What if my fucking heart doesn’t know what it wants? ~ I thought to myself before nodding my head agreeing with Mike’s logic.

**End Flashback**

~Follow your heart~ I thought before getting up, taking the aspirin and walked downstairs to see what Juliet was doing.

I walked quietly down the stairs into the opening between the living room and the kitchen to find Juliet and Joey laying on the floor playing cards. I stood there quietly watching them.

“Damn, you won again Joe! How do you do it?” She asked Joey.

“Dad taught me a few things.” Joey said. I grinned knowing he was right. I had taught him a few cheats for many a game.

“So he taught you to cheat at cards?” Joey shook his head. I need to teach him a difference between when to lie and when to tell the truth. Right then he should have lied. Joey looked up and caught my eye. I raised my finger to my lips keeping him quiet. He looked from me to Juliet before he spoke again.

“Do you love my dad?” He asked it so suddenly I think the question caught Juliet off guard.

“Wh…wh…what?” I knew she was shocked and was trying to figure out what to tell my fourteen year old son.

“Do you love my dad? Cause I think he loves you.” Joey said this time catching me off guard. How could my young son see something that I had only just figured out?

“How do you know that?” She asked setting her cards down. At this movement for her I backed up and turned the corner just inside the kitchen and sat on the floor with my back against the wall.

“The way he looks at you.” Joey paused and seemed to be thinking. “He looks at you the way he used to look at mom before they broke up. I think you love him too.”

“Really now.” She said quietly. I had to strain to hear her.

“Yep. You treat dad normal…all the other girls we met…ever only liked him cause he was famous. You like him cause he’s a person not a celebrity. You pay attention to Jake and me. Mom’s new boyfriend always ignores us when we are with mom. You don’t smile like you do with dad with anyone else. Do you love him?” He asked again after his long explanation. I leaned into the wall wanting to know the answer to this important question. She went silent for a few moments.

“Joey…I…I don’t know. I’m still a little confused about it. I do know that I like your dad more than I’ve ever like any other guy, maybe I do. Love takes time, and it’s certainly not easy. I’ve never had anyone really to love me, for me, for who I am except my Aunt Karla. So I don’t have that much experience.” She said neither confirming or denying that she loved me or even had feelings for me.

“I love you Juliet.” Joey said before I heard him get up. Juliet had her back to the kitchen so I chanced a peek. I saw Joey go over to her and give her a hug. She spoke into his small shoulder and I could barely understand her. But it was crystal clear to me.

“I love you too, Joey!” She sat there hugging him back tightly. I knew without a doubt right then and there that I loved Juliet. Nothing could change that. I just was having a hard time getting it into words to let her know. At the same time I could feel the doubt lingering in the back of my mind.

I heard them moving around, I sat back against the wall hoping against all hope that Juliet wouldn’t walk in.

“What are you gonna do?” Joey asked standing up with Juliet.

“I’m going to go upstairs and pack. I need to go back home for awhile.” I remembered then that today was her last day. She was leaving in the morning. “I need time to think.” She replied.

“Will you be back?” Joey asked. I held my breath.

“I don’t know Joey, I don’t know. I hope so.” Was her reply, I silently thanked her for not lying to my son. The next few minutes were followed by silence before I heard a set of footsteps going up the stairs and a pair coming towards the kitchen.

“Sorry dad…I tried.” Joey said looking down at me. “ I tried hard.”

“I know Joe. I know. Where did she go?” I asked making sure she had gone upstairs before I attempted to sneak out of the kitchen.

“Upstairs to pack.” He answered looking said. I stood up and went out to the living room. I didn’t realize that in such a short time that Juliet had worked her way into all of our hearts. “I’m going to my room dad.”

He paused at the bottom of the stairs, “I think you should try dad. I know you want her to stay too.”

I stared after my son from the recliner. It amazed me how insightful he was for such a young boy.

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I walked into my room and started packing my clothes, leaving out a sleep outfit for tonight and an outfit for tomorrow. In the week I had lived here I had made myself a home of sorts in this room. I was comfortable here, this I knew. I also knew that I loved Billie and his kids but I was unsure of his feelings. I just needed some time away, some time to think. I needed to talk to my aunt. She always knows the answer to everything.

I packed until evening. I hadn’t heard anything from Billie, even though I knew he was downstairs. I could hear Joey in his room next door, Jakes room was silent, he was spending the weekend at a friends house. I zipped my bag closed. Turning around, I was going to put my bag by the door, I found Billie Joe standing by the doorway.

“Don’t go!” He said not moving from the door.

“Billie…” I started but stopped. I didn’t really have a good argument for leaving. I just knew I need time.

“Stay Juliet…you know you want to.” He stepped towards me and took my bag from my hand and threw it by the door. He touched my arm. “I want you to stay.”

At this statement I almost agreed to stay but I stuck to my guns. “Billie, it’s not that I don’t want to stay its just that I don’t know what I want. I don’t know for sure where I need to be, where I want to be… I need some time to figure this out.” I said waving my arms to include everything us including him.

“What is there to figure out…I feel something between us. There’s a chemistry. You can’t tell me that you don’t feel it too. It’s been there since we met.” He said taking a hold of my other arm pulling me towards him until there was about an inch between us. “You can’t run away from everything.”

I looked up at him. He thought I was running away, I felt myself getting defensive and a little angry. “I’m not running away, Billie Joe! I’m trying to figure out what I want, and who I am. I have to do that before anything else. I’m twenty-five years old, I need to find out what direction I want my life to take. You of all people should understand where I’m coming from.”

He looked down at me for a few minutes before sighing. “ I don’t want to see you go. I don’t want to watch you walk out that front door.”

“Why?” I knew that I shouldn’t ask it would just make him clam up about his feelings but I needed to know exactly why he wanted me to stay. My heart skipped a beat.

“What?” He asked taking his eyes from mine and looking away. I reached up and turned his face back towards mine. I could see the doubt swarming in his eyes, but I also saw another emotion that I really hoped he would share with me. Something I wasn’t quite sure he would.

“You don’t know, do you? You don’t know why exactly you want me to stay, do you? See that is exactly why I have to go. We both need to figure out what we want.” I said letting my hand fall from his face. I reached for his hand which he gave to me freely. I looked up at him and lifted my face up and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips. “I need this Billie. Please understand.”

“Fine.” He replied before he dropped my hand and abruptly turned and walked out of the room. I stood there for a few minutes, staring at the spot he had just been. I felt my heart break.

I didn’t know exactly how long I had stood in that same spot staring into space before I heard a light knock on the door. I looked up to see Mike standing in the doorway. Immediately I felt the tears spring into my eyes. I think Billie just broke my heart. Mike saw the tears and came into the room and hugged me. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

I knew that he knew but he was giving me a chance to explain my side. I was sure that he had already talked to Billie and knew what he thought of all this. “We argued about me leaving.” I sniffled hugging Mike tighter.

“Jewels, he’s just scared that you won’t come back.” He put his chin on the top of my head. “He’s afraid you’re going to leave him forever…He doesn’t want to be hurt again.”

“Why though? I never said I wasn’t going to come back. I just said I didn’t know.” I said looking up at Mike.

“He’s afraid that once you get home that you’ll miss it so much and realize that you don’t need him as much as he wants you too.” Mike said letting me go and leading me over to the bed to sit.

“Whatever that doesn’t make any sense. I haven’t done anything to make him think I don’t want him. Or that I don’t need him. I mean I love him.” I looked up at Mike my eyes wide. I had just said it out loud. Hearing myself say it made it even more true in my heart. Then I could understand Billie’s logic. Mike sighed.

“Well, guys in love do really stupid shit.” Mike stated before groaning his eyes widening.

“What?” I asked my eyes widening as well. He had just told me the Billie loved me too. No was in love with me.

“Shit.” Mike said as he ran his hand through his hair. He looked at my shocked expression. “I wasn’t supposed to say anything, but since I already have. I might as well explain.”

“What did Billie say?” I practically demanded. Neither of us realized that Joey was still in his bedroom next door listening intently through the wall.

“I just spoke to him downstairs. That’s why he doesn’t want you to leave. He loves you. He doesn’t want to let you go, but at the same time he doesn’t want to hold you back. He doesn’t want to watch you walk out the front door and out of his life and have the chance that you might never come back.” He explained watching my face for a clue as to what I was thinking.

“Why didn’t he just tell me?” I asked the tears back in my eyes, a few falling over the edge. “It would have made this so much easier.”

“How so? You didn’t tell him either.” Mike pointed out. At this he was right. I hadn’t told Billie how I felt either. So I couldn’t blame him.

“He basically told me last night. Everyone kept interrupting.” Mike looked down sheepishly. “I didn’t want it to be all drunken talk to I didn’t mention it. I was waiting for him to see if it was true.”

“Jewels, he’s a guy. We already have a hard enough time telling a girl how we feel that’s just expecting too much. We don’t normally do that. He did that once with Adrienne and look where he’s at.”

I looked at Mike tears still falling down my cheeks, “Fifteen years of marriage is what he got, two great little boys and I’m not Adrienne.” I said standing up and making my way to the door.

“Where are you going? Mike asked a bit fearful.

“I’m going to find out the truth.” I said. Mike groaned and followed me out the door.

“Has anyone told you how stubborn you are?” He asked.

“Yes, my Aunt.” I replied before making my down the stairs. Mike was still following me closely.

*************************************************************

“How long?” I heard her ask from the stairs. I could see that she had been crying and I immediately felt guilty. That was not my intention to make her cry. I looked behind her to see Mike shrug.

“What?” I gave her a confused look. I wasn’t quite sure what she was talking about. Mike stood there gesturing trying to help me out.

“How long?” She asked again before turning to glare at Mike, who was still half way through gesturing. “Don’t help him!”

At her words it all came together, Mike had told. God sometimes he was worse then Tre. She knew I loved her but she wanted to hear the words come from me. I was just too scared to say them. I must have took too long answering because fresh tears welled up in her eyes. She turned around and looked at Mike. “Guess you were wrong.”

I knew then that I had fucked up. Big time. She ran up the stairs and slammed her bedroom door shut.

**************************************************************

The next morning when I woke up the house was quiet. Joey was still in his room asleep, Jake had got back last night, so he was asleep in his bed. I listened for any sign of Juliet. I went to her room and looked in, no sign of her. I knew then that I had really fucked up. Her room was spotless. All her stuff was gone…She was gone….she had gone back to Missouri and I didn’t know whether or not she was coming back.