Just Say You're Not Into It.

Why? Why? Why? Why?
I took another sip from the bottle I was now clinging to like it held the answer to life.
Why the fuck did I kiss Logan?
This would ruin his and Kendall's friendship.
Which in turn, would fuck up the hockey team.
Which in turn, would fuck up Kendall's life.
Which in turn, would fuck up everything.

And then the idea hit me like a ton of bricks. I'd promised myself I'd never do it again. I promised. But, I had to be punished for this, right? I was fucking up everything for everyone. I finished off the bottle. and contemplated my next move. It was simple really. I took the now empty bottle and cracked it against my nightstand, shattering it into smaller pieces. I held one of the jagged- edged pieces of glass in my hand.

"Allie? Are you okay? What the hell just broke?" I heard Kendall's voice through my door. I swallowed hard.
"I'm fine. Just dropped my glass." I replied, trying to place false honesty into my voice.
"Do you need help cleaning it up?"
"No, I'm okay."
"Well, I'm going to bed, You know where to find me." I could almost hear the smile in his voice.
"Goodnight Kendall. I love you."
"I love you too, Dri." I could hear his footsteps fade as he walked farther away from my room. I looked back down to the broken shard in my hand, and slowly but surely, I pulled my dress up, exposing the skin on my hips.

I pressed the glass against my skin, tearing it open and leaving a thin trail of blood as I pulled it across my abdomen. I bit my lip, stifling the cries that were sure to follow. Hot tears dripped down my cheeks, as I repeated the previous action, eventually corseting my sides entirely. I had to keep it a secret. God, if Kendall found out. If anyone found out, really, I'd be fucked. I know my mom would send me away. No questions asked. I laid on my floor in a drunken stupor, the blood drying against my skin. I couldn't feel anything anymore. I stared blankly at my ceiling, my dress still pulled up, now fully exposing my stomach. I sighed. Between being drunk, and the energy it took for me to be so upset, I just wanted to take a shower and go to sleep.

I grabbed clean clothes, and headed for the bathroom, only to run into a very drunk Logan. We both stood there in silence, awkwardly staring at each other before he spoke.
"You're bleeding." He pointed at the blood that was now seeping through my favorite dress. I made a quick move to try and hide it.
"What happened?" I tried pushing past him, but he wouldn't allow it. He simply grabbed my wrists. Subduing me with one hand and raising my dress with the other. Then he saw them. In all of their bloody glory, he saw them. Quantities of lacerations covering my skin. He looked at me wide eyed.
"We need to talk." He said pulling my dress back down to its normal state.
"No, Henderson. We don't." I snapped my wrists away from him and made a run for the bathroom, knowing I'd be safe from his drunk questions and concerned eyes.

I stood in the shower, letting the water wash the bloody evidence away. I couldn't shake Logan out of my head. Kissing him, was the biggest mistake I could've made. I sighed, knowing that was a bullshit lie. Yes, I have feelings for Logan Henderson. I've just been in denile about them, trying to save his friendship with Kendall, Carlos and James. I almost laughed to myself, realizing this was the second night in a row I'd faced the difficult task of a drunken shower. I was quicker to get out this time, pulling on a pair of sweats and a tshirt James had left in my room ages ago. I threw my dress in the washer, praying the blood stain would come out. I was surprised when I found Logan sitting on my bed.

"Uh. I know you slept in here last night, but I kinda want to be alone."
"Well, I'm not leaving you alone." I raised my hands to massage my temples, trying to remain calm.
"Please, Logan." I didn't like Logan when he was drunk, he was proving to be far too persistent.
"Why? So you can fucking cut yourself again?" That pushed me over the edge.
"You don't know fucking anything, Henderson. So why don't you just shut your fucking mouth and leave me the fuck alone?" Logan stood up, and made his way towards the door, but instead of walking passed me, he pulled me into a tight hug.
"I promise, I won't tell anyone. Just please talk to me." I shook my head. How do you explain to someone, they're the reason you're hurting yourself? Exactly, you can't.