Close Your Eyes and I'll Kiss You; Tomorrow I'll Miss You.

“We’ll end up getting there by foot before someone stops to give us a ride,” Spencer grumbles, walking along the side of the road with Ryan, both of them with their thumbs stuck out for passing automobiles to see.

“As long as we get there eventually,” Ryan says. Spencer disagrees with the entire trip, but at the same time, he does want Ryan to get what he wants. So he’s putting up with it and hoping for the best.

“Look! A truck! I think it’s slowing down!” Ryan exclaims, and Spencer looks over at the semi-truck that is, indeed, slowing to a stop for them. They both peer up into the windshield to see a black guy puffing on a cigarette and gesturing for the two to get in.

“You first,” Spencer says, and Ryan nods, bringing a foot up to the step below the door, hoisting himself up, opening the door and climbing inside, Spencer following.

“Where you headed?” the man asks.

“The city,” Spencer answers.

“I’m heading right through there so I can get you the whole way,” he tells them.

“Thank you so much,” Ryan says.

“The name’s Travie,” he says.

“Ryan.”

“Spencer.”

“Nice to meet you both. So what are you headed off to the city for?” he asks, and Ryan glances at Spencer briefly and back to Travie.

“Searching for someone.”

“Searching for someone?” Travie repeats, raising an eyebrow.

“I, um…it’s a long story.”

“We got a long drive.”

~*

“Gabe, you gotta do something about Brendon.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s depressed.”

“I know. That’s not hard to figure out. But it’s expected, isn’t it?”

“It’s been over two months. I’m really worried about him.”

Brendon is laying on the couch where he’d fallen asleep shortly after he and Victoria had had their conversation, shortly after both Alex and Pete woke up and left to go home. He’s only half paying attention to Gabe and Victoria’s conversation because despite the fact that it’s about him, he just doesn’t care enough to listen.

“Haven’t you noticed that he’s almost always fucked up on something these days? And he hardly eats -- he’s gotten so skinny. He never sleeps….”

“He’s sleeping right now,” Gabe points out, because he’s not aware that Brendon actually is awake and half listening to them.

“I think being with Pete is just making it worse,” she continues.

“You’d think that a little sex would cheer someone up.”

“Jesus Christ, Gabe. Just because you know absolutely nothing about how it feels to be in love with somebody--”

“I don’t know how it feels to be in love with someone?”

“No. You’re all about sex and physical attraction, you never care about emotions, not yours or anyone else’s.”

“See, that’s just complete bullshit,” Gabe snarls. “I know way more about love than you think I do.”

“Oh yeah? Who was the last person you truly loved? For them, and not for the sex they gave you,” Victoria challenges, and Gabe falls silent. Brendon wishes he could turn his hearing off because he feels rude listening in on this. He knows Gabe’s answer to the question. He’s known it since the first day he met Gabe. He could see it in his eyes. The way he looked at her, it was the same way that Ryan used to look at Brendon.

“That’s none of your business,” Gabe responds. “But I’ll tell you one thing. The girl I’m in love with, I’ve never had sex with her.”

“Well, isn’t that a pity?” Victoria says sarcastically.

“You tell me,” Gabe mumbles, but she doesn’t even catch it.

“Jesus fucking Christ, guys. Why all the yelling so early in the morning? Some of us are hung over, you know.”

“Actually, that’s just you, Ryland,” Gabe says, and his voice seems calmer, almost as if pretending that what just happened didn’t even happen.

“You’re probably right. But still. No yelling in the morning.”

“It’s already almost noon. Not really morning anymore,” Victoria points out.

“Well…. Whatever. Hey, are we going to that thing at that place tomorrow night?” Ryland asks.

“That thing at that place. Of course, Ryland. Of course we’ll be going to the thing at the place,” Gabe says, and Brendon doesn’t even have to see him to know that he’s rolling his eyes. He’s glad that the conversation is no longer about him or unrequited and/or oblivious love.

“Come on, man, you know what I’m talking about.”

“Yeah, yeah, I do know what you’re talking about. And yes we’re going. Of course we’re going. It’s only one of the most important rallies so far. Why the hell would we not go?” Gabe answers.

“I don’t know, just making sure.”

“You know, I think I should probably split, guys,” Victoria says. “I have shit that I gotta do today.”

“You’ll be back later, though, right?” Gabe asks.

“More than likely.”

“Of course she will be. When is Vicky not here?” Ryland laughs.

“Exactly,” she concurs. “Peace out for now, though.”

~*

“Alright, so let me get this straight,” Travie says, glancing away from the road for a moment to look over at Ryan. “You leave to go to the war, you die, but you’re not really dead, but your girl thinks you’re dead, and when you come back, she ain’t there, so you go looking for her?”

“Yeah, pretty much,” Ryan nods.

“Damn. Goddamn, that is some intense shit. That’s some like, romance movie stuff right there.”

“Yeah, I guess. If I find…her, that is,” he says, having thought it best that he retell the story as a straight man that left his girlfriend for the war, rather than a gay one having left his boyfriend.

“I hope you do, man. I really hope you do.”

“Thanks.”

“That’s gotta be rough, though. For both of you. I know what it’s like to get your relationship fucked over in an unfair way,” Travie tells them. “I had a girl, the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Katy. Absolutely perfect. But her parents didn’t want her seein’ me because I’m black and she’s a white girl from a strict, religious, white family. They sent her off to some all-girls college miles and miles away. Just to get her away from me.”

“Wow. I’m sorry about that,” Spencer mutters, looking at him.

“No, no, don’t be. Her parents can’t control her forever. And every penny I make goes towards the money I’m gonna use to run away with her.”

~*

“Hey, man,” Gabe says, poking his head into Brendon’s room, and Brendon glances over. He’s laying on top of his bed and before Gabe interrupted him, he’d been smoking a cigarette and staring up at the ceiling. He welcomes Gabe’s interruption.

“Yeah?”

“Hey. I wanted to talk to you,” he says, coming into Brendon’s room, closing the door, and making his way towards Brendon’s bed, sitting down on it and looking down at him. Brendon figures that Gabe is doing what Victoria had advised him to do. He figures that he knows what this is about.

“Yeah?” he says again.

“Um. Well…. Look, Brendon, we’re all really worried about you. And when I say ‘all’, I mean Victoria, Ryland, Nate, Alex, and myself. Mostly Victoria. She’s really taken a liking to you, you know. She cares about you a lot. As do the rest of us, but her especially. I think she feels the closest to you. But whatever, that’s besides the point. But really, we all care about you so much and seeing you like this, it just…it’s shitty, man. I have absolutely no clue what you’re going through right now, and I wish I did so I could try and I help you out, but I don’t, but I want to help you anyways.”

Brendon doesn’t say anything. He just stares up at the ceiling like he’d been doing before, but there’s a twinge of pain in his chest that he hasn’t felt since before he stopped feeling.

“And I mean, we haven’t even known you that long, but I’ve known you long enough that this isn’t you. That you’ve become like, this total shell of what you used to be. You used to be this fun, outgoing, funny guy and now you’re just…I don’t even know. And shit, maybe this is all our fault, if we’d never taken you to that party, then you and Pete would have never--”

“It’s not your fault. It’s nobody’s fault but my own,” Brendon cuts him off, still staring at the ceiling.

“No, see, that’s what you’ve gotta stop doing! You have to stop putting all of the blame on yourself. You made a few mistakes but everyone makes mistakes, man! You can’t dwell on what you did wrong for the rest of your life. And you can’t lower yourself to put up with shit that you don’t even want. And by that, I mean Pete. You’re not happy with him and he’s not even trying to make you happy. You shouldn’t be with him. And the guy actually used to be my friend, but seeing how he treats you like you’re just another one of his fuck-toys really makes me kind of hate him.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Brendon mumbles.

“It does matter, Brendon!” Gabe insists. “Even if you think it doesn’t matter, it does. I’m so sorry your boyfriend died, I really, really am, but would he really want to see you like this? Completely miserable and in some type of not-even-relationship where you’re being taken advantage of? Now, I never met Ryan, but I’m pretty sure that he wouldn’t want that, okay?” Gabe stops talking as soon as he notices that Brendon’s eyes are quickly filling with tears, one of them slipping from the corner of his eye and sliding down the side of his face.

“I miss him, Gabe,” he whispers, barely even audibly. “I miss him so fucking much.”

And then he’s sobbing, letting out emotions that he’d been trying to numb away for so long. Gabe pulls him up into a sitting position so that he can wrap his arms around him, letting him cry into his shirt, rubbing his back, not trying to calm him or make him stop, just letting him get it all out.

“I never got to say goodbye. I thought he would come back. I didn’t think about what would happen if he died and then it happened and I ended up in this fucked up mess of a life and I just want to go back to how everything used to be,” he cries, his words muffled by Gabe’s chest. “It’s not fucking fair.”

“I know. It’s not fair,” Gabe agrees.

“And I hate Pete. I hate him. I hate him so much. I don’t want to see him but he does things and gives me things that make me stop feeling and he makes me forget for a while, but I hate him so much. He doesn’t care about me, he never did. I fucking hate him.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to see him anymore, okay?”

“But he’s your friend.”

“That doesn’t matter. You’re my friend, too, and even though I’ve known you for a shorter amount of time, I care about you way more than I care about that jackass. He doesn’t need you. And you need to be away from him.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Bren, what are you sorry about? You don’t have anything to be sorry about.”

“I don’t know,” Brendon shrugs, pulling out of Gabe’s hug and wiping his wet eyes and runny nose with the back of his hand. “I’m sorry for making you worry?”

“You know, Victoria’s the main one that’s worried about you.”

“You should go for it with her. I think she has feelings for you, too,” Brendon tells him, and Gabe looks at him, confusion in his eyes.

“What? What do you mean?”

“I know that you like her.”

“What? I don’t….no. I don’t like Victoria,” Gabe stammers out, shaking his head.

“You’re right. You don’t like her. You /love/ her,” Brendon says, and he grins in a teasing way, and it’s the first time he’s actually smiled in months.

“That’s not! No!” Gabe insists.

“It’s okay. I won’t tell her. I promise.”

“There’s nothing to tell anyways!”

“If you say so.”

“You’re smiling,” Gabe says, smiling as well, and Brendon can’t tell if he’s just changing the subject, or if he’s actually really happy that he is smiling.

“You’re right. I am.”

Gabe hugs him again, holding him tightly against his body, and Brendon welcomes the gesture, closing his eyes and just letting his head fall onto Gabe’s shoulder. They stay that way for a while, not even speaking before the hug is broken and the pull apart. Gabe looks down at Brendon, glancing over the teardrops stuck to his eyelashes before landing on his eyes. They both lean in at the same time, lips coming together.

It’s not a romantic kiss, it’s just a kiss. But it’s full of caring, which is something Brendon hasn’t felt in a long time. And even though he knows that it’s nothing more than that, it’s the best feeling he’s felt for a while.

It doesn’t even last for more than a minute, and they pull apart, and it’s not awkward or anything because they both know that it was nothing more than friendly.

But they both look over at the open bedroom door where Victoria is standing looking shocked and outraged at what she must have just walked in on.