Close Your Eyes and I'll Kiss You; Tomorrow I'll Miss You.

By the time he reaches the house, he’s just in time to hear the news. He already knew, but hearing it spoken out loud is like the heaviest blow to his heart that he’s ever felt in his entire life. His vision is blurry with unshed tears and he just barely sees as the two men in black suits walk back to their black car and then Spencer is beside him and Ryan’s dad is just standing in the doorframe watching the two men leave, barely even noticing that his son’s closest friends are there.

It’s the worst nightmare he’s ever been in and he can’t wake up.

He doesn’t think that he’s ever even seen a grown man cry before, but the fact that Ryan’s dad is in tears is completely undeniable. And he just stands there, breathing heavily because he just ran down the street and because he wants to wake up but he knows he can’t because he knows that he isn’t dreaming. He feels like he’s going to throw up. He can feel his heart thudding in his throat heavier and heavier with each beat and it’s like he’s just waiting for something to come up. He’s only ever known one other person who’s died before. He’s felt this kind of pain, but this time it’s intensified by millions. This time, it’s Ryan.

Ryan Ross. His first kiss, his first boyfriend, his first love…everything to him. He. Was. Everything. To him.

And now he’s gone.

Gone.

The word repeats itself over and over again in his head and he can’t stand it. He breaks down right there, right in front of Ryan’s dad’s house, right in front of Ryan’s dad. But he doesn’t care, and neither does Ryan’s dad because he’s breaking down, too. And Spencer is crying and trying to be strong, but he’s finding it way too difficult.

~

When Brendon goes home, he goes straight up to his room and closes his door and doesn’t say a word to anyone. His parents don’t have to ask what’s wrong. Everyone in the neighbourhood has already heard. That doesn’t stop his mother from trying to talk to him, though. He’s crying into his pillow when he feels the weight on his bed shift, and he doesn’t have to look up to know that his mom is sitting next to him.

“Baby, I’m so sorry,” she says in a soothing whisper, and she places her hand on Brendon’s back. “I know how difficult this has got to be. It was horrible when you had to go through losing William, and now this…. And you and Ryan were so close.”

Brendon just cries harder because his mom has no idea just how close they really were.

“I went over to George’s earlier to give him my condolences. Poor man’s a wreck. He said that it was an explosion that did it. That it killed dozens of them.”

“Mom, I don’t wanna hear this,” Brendon says, his words muffled by his pillow.

“I’m sorry, honey. I just wanted you to know that it wasn’t just him.”

“It was just him that I cared about.”

~*

Brendon doesn’t leave his room for two days. He only comes out to use the bathroom, and goes right back in. He doesn’t eat and he hardly sleeps. He spends most of his time rereading most of Ryan’s letters and crying.

He finds out that most of the bodies of the killed soldiers are either too destroyed to be identified or missing completely. It makes him feel sick. He pukes twice thinking about it. He doesn’t care if his parents notice that he’s taking Ryan’s death harder than anyone else is. He’s past the point of caring about much of anything.

He overhears his mother on the phone a lot, either with Spencer’s mom or Ryan’s dad. The two woman decided to help Ryan’s dad with a memorial service because they could both tell how hard he’s taking his son’s death, and of course, they still kind of pity him for being alone.

It won’t be a traditional funeral because they either can’t find or identify Ryan’s body, so there will be nothing to bury. Brendon is still dreading it.

His mom comes up the night before and sets out a freshly ironed black shirt and black pants for the next day. The sight makes his insides lurch because he knows that by tomorrow, all of this will be real. The bad dream will be over and it will just be bad reality. He’s not sure if he’s ready.

The ‘funeral’ is the worst hour of his entire life. He’s sure of it. He manages to not break down. He manages to stay there with a face of stone, just staring ahead, unable to accept the fact that he’s at his boyfriend’s funeral. When it ends, he declines the ride home with his parents and decides that he wants to walk home with Spencer instead. They’re mostly silent except for sniffles that come every few seconds until Brendon decides to speak.

“I hate this,” is all he says.

“I know. Me too.”

“I can’t…I just…I can’t believe he’s gone.” The pitch of his voice gets higher as he starts to cry as he speaks, but Spencer thinks nothing of it.

“I can’t either,” Spencer replies, speaking in a whisper. “I’ve known him since I was four, y’know? I always thought we’d be best friends for the rest of our lives. That we would get married at the same time, have kids at the same time, all of that stuff.”

“I wanted to marry him….”

“I know.”

“God, I was the worst boyfriend ever,” Brendon says, suddenly sobbing.

“No, no, Brendon, you were a great boyfriend!”

“No,” Brendon shakes his head, his steps ceasing as he runs his hands over his face.

“Bren, stop putting yourself down, you were--”

“No. Spencer, you don’t…you don’t understand, okay?”

“What are you talking about?”

“I cheated on him. On Ryan. I cheated on Ryan,” Brendon spits out, sounding so disgusted with himself, and Spencer stares at him, in shock, anger, and something else that Brendon can’t read.

“You what?! When the fuck…what?!”

“At that party,” Brendon says, sobbing now. “I didn’t know…I didn’t know what I was doing. And he gave me something, acid, I think and, and I mean, I realized what I was doing before…before anything serious happened, but--”

“Who?!”

“…Pete.”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. Brendon, what the fuck is wrong with you?!” Spencer yells, and it isn’t the reaction that Brendon was expecting, and he doesn’t know how to respond, so he just cries harder. “Your boyfriend, the one who gave you everything, goes away for a few months and you start fucking guys you don’t even know?!”

“I didn’t fuck him, Spencer! I stopped him before it went that far!”

“Still! That’s not the point! The fact is, is that you weren’t true to him, but I can guarantee that if it were the other way around, Ryan would have been nothing but true!”

“Spencer, I didn’t mean to! Would you please just listen to me?!”

“I am listening to you and that’s the problem! God, you disgust me right now! What if Ryan hadn’t died and he came back and somehow found out? What would you have done then?”

“I don’t know!”

“God, who are you?”

“Spencer, please,” Brendon sobs, just wanting him to stop.

“I can’t believe you! I can’t believe what I’m hearing right now!”

“I’ve beaten myself up so much over all of this, please, Spencer, I realize what I did wrong!”

“I really don’t think you do. If Ryan had found out, you’d be lucky if he kept you around. He was way too good for that kind of treatment. I always knew you’d end up hurting him.”

“What are you talking about?!”

“I never really liked you, you know. I only put up with you because Ryan liked you so much. I didn’t trust you, especially not with my best friend. He was like a brother to me, you know. I would have done anything to protect him. You would have broken his heart.”

“Spencer, take that back. Please take that back!”

“No. You know, why don’t you just move to the city already? There’s no one here for you anymore. Go be with your new friends. Go be with Pete.”

“Spencer, why are you doing this?!”

“I don’t want to hear your voice ever again, Brendon,” Spencer says, venom dripping in his voice, and he walks away, leaving Brendon still standing there, crying and feeling like complete and total shit.

~*

He falls asleep with an old letter and a photograph of himself and Ryan clutched in his hand. His face is streaked with tears from the entire day and if his eyes were to open, they would be completely red. When his mom comes up to talk to him, she sees him sleeping and sighs, thinking that she knows what he’s going through. She runs her hand through his hair and eases the picture and the letter away from him. She pulls his blanket over his body and goes to set his beloved paper and photo on his nightstand, but a phrase of words in the letter catches her eye.

I love you.

She furrows her eyebrows slightly, and reads the entire letter.

Brendon,
I’ve never missed home more than I do right now. And I’ve never missed you so much in my entire life. I can hardly go a single day without someone I know dying. I hate it. I want to come home. I don’t want to be here anymore. I never wanted to be here to begin with. The only thing that gets me through the day anymore; the only reason I run as fast as I can to get away from bombs and bullets is knowing that as soon as this war is over and as soon as I’m out of here, I get to see your face again. I get to hear your voice and I get to touch your skin and I get to hold you and fall asleep with you in my arms and everything will be perfect once again.

I don’t know what else to say. I can only tell you how much I miss you so much and everything else that is happening is just things that I’m trying hard not to think about. I love you. I don’t want to wait any longer before I can tell you that in person again.

-Ryan

Her breath is caught in her throat and the photograph of the two boys falls from her other hand to the floor. She feels sick. Sick and shocked and angered and disgusted and disappointed and way too many other emotions. She doesn’t want to wake her son right now; she’s still sympathetic even though she knows more than she ever thought she would. So she just runs out of the room, one hand pressed over her mouth, the other still grasping onto the letter.