Close Your Eyes and I'll Kiss You; Tomorrow I'll Miss You.

Ryan finds out that he’s been unconscious for almost a month. He finds out that if he hadn’t woken up when he did, they might have pulled the plugs that were keeping him alive. He finds out that Jon’s death saved his life. He finds out that if he hadn’t dragged Jon out of the battle, that they both would have been in the explosion that killed tons.

He finds out that everyone in his hometown thought that he was dead for two weeks before someone came back to tell them that he was, in fact, still alive. The first people that run through his mind are his father, Spencer, and Brendon. Brendon. Brendon thought that he was dead. And Ryan just wants to get home and be with him. But he can’t leave; not yet. They won’t let him go yet, no matter how badly he wants to. Apparently he still has injuries, but as far as he’s concerned, he’s fine and ready to leave. The gash that’s still healing on his head, it’s more like a scratch compared to the pain of not being able to go home.

The only thing good about staying where he’s at is the guy that stays in the bed next to Ryan. Mike Carden, another injured soldier with a broken leg and tons of scratches and bruises who brings Ryan ice cream every time he gets himself some. And maybe the free ice cream is another good part, too. But mostly Carden, who Ryan has found to be extremely nice and easy to talk to. When they finally decide that Ryan can go home, Carden gives him his home address and telephone number and makes him promise that he’ll write, call, or visit. Ryan promises that he will, and then he’s out of there as fast as he can get out.

~*

Coming home is weird. Ryan knows it’s weird. It’s weird for him and it’s weird for everyone else. He knows that to everyone else in the neighbourhood, it’s like seeing a ghost or something. And he feels like a ghost. He feels like he’s back from the dead because, in a way, he kind of is.

His father cries when he hugs him. He’s never seen his father cry, but he doesn’t even question it. He has to fight not to cry himself. Spencer doesn’t even say anything when he sees Ryan. He just runs to him and hugs him like he’s never hugged anyone before. And Ryan returns the hug. Seeing his best friend just makes him so much more thankful to be home. The only thing that could make it better would be….

“Spence, where’s Brendon?” are the first words that leave Ryan’s mouth. He feels bad, a little bit, because he’s seeing his best friend for the first time in months and the first thing he asks for is another person, but he’s sure that Spencer will understand. He’s sure.

But Spencer’s face falls and he looks at Ryan sadly and Ryan has no idea what’s going on.

“What?” he asks in response to the way Spencer is looking at him.

“Ry…. I’m sorry, I don’t know how to tell you this, but….”

“What? What’s going on? Where’s Brendon?”

“We haven’t seen Brendon in…almost two months. No one knows where he is.”

“What?” he gets out, feeling as though his heart is being ripped out of his chest. The whole reason he wanted to come home so quickly, not that he didn’t want to see his dad and best friend again, but the love of his life…no one even knows where he’s at.

“I hate having to be the one to tell you this, Ry,” Spencer laments sadly.

“What happened?”

“I…let’s sit down,” he says, and they both take a seat on Ryan’s bed -- still the exact same way he left it months ago, because even though his dad had thought he’d died, he didn’t have the heart to start clearing out his room before he’d found out that his son was actually still alive.

“Spencer, what happened?” Ryan asks again. And Spencer sighs, swallowing, and looks up to meet Ryan’s gaze. He doesn’t know where to begin and he doesn’t know how much to tell Ryan because he doesn’t want to hurt him so badly after just getting home.

“Shortly after we thought you died…when Brendon and I were walking home from the funeral they had for you…we…got into a fight--”

“About what?” Ryan asks.

“That’s…I…it…it was, um…you know, it doesn’t matter right now. I don’t even remember,” he lies. “But we had this argument and then Brendon went home and…I don’t really know what happened after that. But I went to his house a few days later to apologize and his mom answered the door. And she told me that Brendon had run away. I don’t know why or what happened, but his mom was completely distraught and she was crying and said something about how she had made a huge mistake or something, I don’t really know. But neither of his parents know where he went and…I don’t know either.”

“Well, we have to find him!” Ryan says.

“Ryan, I don’t…I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“What? Why not? Does he even know I’m alive?!” he asks, and Spencer shakes his head.

“I think I might have an idea of where Brendon went, but--”

“Where? We have to find him, Spencer!”

“Ryan. Brendon…. The reason we got in a fight…Brendon cheated on you, Ryan.”

The look that came across Ryan’s face was enough to make the anger that Spencer had felt toward Brendon come back at full force and he regretted even thinking about apologizing to him. He felt like shit having to tell Ryan about this, and he hadn’t planned on letting him know, because it was the last thing he needed. But he knew that he had to know.

“Ryan, I’m so sorry,” he says, “You shouldn’t have to find out like this, especially right when you get back, but…you need to know that…he’s just not worth trying to track down.”

Ryan doesn’t reply. He just stares straightforward, past Spencer, with an unreadable look on his face. He can’t believe it. Doesn’t want to believe it. There’s just no way that his Brendon would do something like that. At least, that’s what he thought.

~*

Brendon thinks that he might be Pete’s boyfriend now, but he’s not really sure. They haven’t actually discussed it, but whenever he’s around, Pete is always practically latched onto him in some way. They have sex a lot, even though Brendon has to be under some influence before he can do it, and he’s pretty sure that Pete has introduced him as ‘his boyfriend’ to other people. But they never actually did discuss it. And Brendon still hasn’t smiled once since he moved there. And he’s almost certain the Pete has sex with other people when he’s not around. But he doesn’t mind being Pete’s boyfriend, he decides.

It keeps his mind off other things.

Mainly Ryan.

He passes through his mind a lot, but never for long. The only time Brendon will allow himself to think about Ryan for an extended amount of time is at night when he’s alone in his bed, shortly before falling asleep.

The thoughts of Ryan usually lead to thoughts of Spencer, as well. And thoughts of his parents. He’s not even sure how long it’s been since he’s left home, but he can’t help but wonder if his parents even miss him. If Spencer misses him at all.

Nights when he’s alone in his bed usually lead to unshed tears making their way out and restless sleep.

He prefers nights when he’s not alone in his bed, no matter how much he hates the alternative.