Close Your Eyes and I'll Kiss You; Tomorrow I'll Miss You.

His first night home, Ryan can’t sleep. He’d heard about how it was hard coming home from the war and just going back to normal, including normal sleeping habits because it was so hard to think of anything but the war, but he’s not even thinking about the war. The war isn’t on his mind at all. That’s not what’s troubling him. What’s troubling him, what’s on his mind is Brendon.

He can’t stop thinking about him and how he’s not here. Ryan is almost positive that Brendon is the reason that he made it through the war alive. Brendon was the reason he wanted to make it through the war alive and now he’s finally back home and he doesn’t even know where Brendon is.

He makes the decision at two in the morning, according to the clock in his kitchen as he’s writing a note to leave for his father.

“Dad,
Don’t know when, but I will be back.
-- Ryan.”

And then he’s out his front door and he knows that this might be a huge mistake, but he won’t let himself think that. He reaches Spencer’s house, and he’s thankful that they live in a secure enough neighbourhood where people don’t feel the need to lock their front doors, because he’s able to just let himself in, being as quiet as he possibly can. He doesn’t want to wake Spencer’s parents and make them think he’s breaking in or anything.

He makes it to Spencer’s bedroom and then he’s next to him, shaking him awake. When Spencer opens his eyes, he’s obviously very shocked to see Ryan sitting there.

“Ryan, what are you doing here?” he asks groggily, sitting up in his bed.

“We have to find Brendon,” Ryan says.

“What?”

“We have to find Brendon. I have to find him. You said you had an idea of where he might be, Spencer, we have to find him!”

“Ryan, it’s…what time is it?”

“It was around two when I left my house. Spencer, come on. We have to find him!” Ryan pleads, and Spencer looks at him for a long while, still looking rather sleepy and disoriented.

“Ryan, he’s in the city. We have no way to get there. If he’s still even there, that is.”

“We’ll find a way to get there. Spencer, I have to find him. I have to see him again. I don’t care what he did when I was gone, I love him and I have to see him.”

“Ryan, he cheated on you.”

“I don’t care. I mean, I care, but if I can find him then it’s something we can talk about and work through, but I can’t just sit here knowing that he’s out there somewhere and having all of these unresolved feelings and…. Spencer, I need him.”

“You just got home. You just found out about the whole cheating thing. I know you’re upset about it but Ry, you can get over it. You can get over him, I know it, you just need time.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about, do you?” Ryan asks him. “I love him, Spencer. I can’t just get over him just like that. The entire time I was gone at war, the only thing that got me through every day was the thought of coming home to Brendon. And then I get home and he’s not here? Do you know how hard that is to deal with? I didn’t ask to get sent to war, okay? I never wanted to kill people or watch people be killed. Do you have any idea how hard it was to watch someone I knew get killed every single day? I had to watch the best friend I had made in the army /die/ right in front of me. And you know what? He had a girlfriend waiting for him at home and his girlfriend was pregnant with his child and he will never get to see his girlfriend again and he’ll never even get to see his baby and it’s not fair to him, Cassie, or the baby and it’s only because he died. But guess what? I /didn’t/ die. I’m alive. I lived to get to see the person that I’m in love with again, but he’s not here. And I…can’t not see him. Because without him, I might not be alive. I might not have ran as fast as I did to get away from things, I might not have tried to stay alive.”

“The Brendon that you left, Ryan, he’s not the same person as the Brendon he is now. He’s changed, you know.”

“And so have you! What happened to the Spencer that would help me out no matter what? I need your help more than ever right now and you’re trying to convince me otherwise?”

“Everything has changed since you left, Ryan. Nothing is the same anymore. You remember how hard it was when we found out that we lost William because of the war? It was even harder when we thought that we’d lost you. And it got even harder when Brendon told me that he cheated on you. Do you know when he told me? When we were walking home from your damn funeral, Ryan. You won’t believe me when I tell you that he’s not worth looking for--”

“No, I won’t,” Ryan agrees. “Which is why I’m looking for him. With your help or not.”

“How do you plan on finding him?”

“I really have no idea. Which is why I hoped that I would have your brain to help me out. But, if you refuse….” he says, standing up from Spencer’s bed and walking towards the door.

“Ryan….”

“You know, it’s really sad how much this war has done. It’s torn everyone apart. Do you remember how great everything was before it started? When you, me, Brendon, and William were inseparable? Now William’s dead, Brendon is lost, and us…what are we? We’re surely not best friends like we used to be. Because I used to be able to count on you.”

“Ryan,” Spencer says again.

“And I have absolutely no idea where I’m going or how I’m going to manage this, but I’m going to find Brendon. And it’s not too late for you to help.”

“Ryan, you’re still my best friend. And as much as I really don’t approve of this…goddammit. Fine. I’ll help you.”

~*

It’s early in the morning, seven or so, and Brendon is awake and already fucked up. He can’t really make it through the day anymore without some sort of high. His bed is being occupied by Pete, Victoria and Alex are both passed out on the couch, and Gabe and Ryland are still asleep in their own beds. So, Brendon is the only one awake, sitting on the floor in the living room, joint between his fingers.

He’s staring out of the window when he feels fingers on his shoulder. His first thought is that it’s Pete, but then he realizes that the touch is too soft, the fingers too delicate, so he looks up to see Victoria standing above him.

“A bit early for that, don’t you think?” she asks, nodding towards the joint, and Brendon just shrugs. Victoria sighs, moving and sitting down right in from of Brendon so that they’re facing each other.

“I’m worried about you, you know. You hardly talk, you hardly eat, I haven’t seen you smile in ages, even when you’re stoned -- which is almost all the time now. You know you can talk to me, right?”

Brendon shrugs again, taking another drag from the joint.

“See? You’re nothing like the happy, outgoing Brendon that I knew before. And I know you’re going through some really tough times right now, but we’re here for you, you know?”

“Yeah. I know,” Brendon mutters.

“Are you happy with Pete, Brendon? Does he treat you alright?”

“He treats me fine,” Brendon answers in a soft voice, avoiding the first part of the question, which Victoria notices and she sighs.

“But you’re not happy with him?” she asks, and Brendon just shrugs, looking out the window again.

“No,” he whispers. “I’m not.”

“Then why are you with him?”

“Because…,” Brendon says, trying to find a reason, an answer to why he /is/ with Pete. “Because he takes my mind off of other things.”

“Ryan,” Victoria says, and Brendon nods.

“It still hurts too much to think about him. And even when I’m not thinking about him, it still hurts. I’d rather not feel at all.”

“So you get fucked up,” Victoria supplies, and again, Brendon nods.

“It’s just…easy,” he says. “An easy way to forget all of my stupid problems.”

“Your problems aren’t stupid, Brendon. You lost your boyfriend. You’re allowed to be upset about that.”

“I don’t want to be. I don’t have the right to be. I cheated on him when he was still alive. When we were still together. I shouldn’t be allowed to be upset. I was a horrible boyfriend.”

“Brendon, you weren’t a horrible boyfriend and you need to stop beating yourself up about what happened that night. You can’t do anything about it now. The only thing you can do now is try to accept what happened. But you’ll never be able to accept it if you don’t let yourself grieve over it.”

There’s a long silence while Brendon smokes, staring out the window, avoiding eye contact as Victoria watches him with worry etched on her face. It makes Brendon guilty, making her worry. He doesn’t want to do that. He doesn’t want to cause anyone any worry at all.

“You should dump Pete,” Victoria says, and Brendon looks at her and shakes his head.

“That wouldn’t really solve much.”

“You said that he’s not making you happy.”

“He’s not making me unhappy, either,” Brendon lies.