Beautiful Lie

I stood back as Bring Me the Horizon's set roared on. As hard as I fought to control it, my attention constantly strayed from the stage to the crowd standing backstage. I searched it several times, my gaze always pausing on Tom as he stood there with his arms crossed. I was surprised he'd ignored me. I'd never thought he'd do it. Hell, I didn’t think he’d be able too. I guess I was wrong.

The only time I'd heard his voice since this morning, it was simply him asking about his guitar tech. I'd tried to block out the disappointed thoughts. They were way too strong to control. I couldn't escape them.

I tried to avoid looking at him. I didn't want to give him the wrong impression. I'd asked Jona what was up with him. He hadn't answered, simply said let it go and concentrate on setting up.

"'Ey, wha's eatin' yeh?"

I looked over my shoulder. Josh stood there with his arms crossed. I looked away.

"Nothin'," I lied.

"My ass," he replied. "Why so glum?"

"Leave it, Josh," I muttered, staring at the scene unfolding on stage.

"Nope, stress is the las' thing yeh need so talk," he refused as he stepped between me and the stage.

"Jerk," I groaned. "Not righ' now, alrigh'?"

"Yeh're talkin' later whether yeh want to or not," he warned. "We clear on tha'?"

"Crystal," I agreed, walking around him and getting closer to the stage.

I stayed far from the group. I stood by the curtain and watched the kids in the audience mosh. It was quite a sight. Oliver was finally sober enough to perform properly. He did really well, on pitch the majority of the time and getting the audience going even when speaking. Accents do that, I've learned.

I hummed along as they played Crucify Me, bobbing my head lightly. My gaze followed Jona as he moved along the stage, wondering why he went from telling me his photographer was interested to telling me to leave the boy alone.

I shook the thoughts from my head, my eyes moving to Tom. He was looking back at me. I fought back a smile. Not necessary. He turned away the second our gazes joined.

Bring Me the Horizon was almost over. I'd have to go out again. I moved to where the other techs were. I had to fill in for Dean. I had no clue why. He just hadn't shown up to first set up and I had a feeling he wouldn't show up now. He didn't.

They played their last song and bid the crowd farewell, walking off stage. Tom walked past me, not even acknowledging when he knocked into my arm. I ignored the tightening in my chest, staring at Jona's guitar intently as I picked it up along with Lee's. I brought the equipment backstage before going out and checking if he needed any help. He looked up at me, contemplating as he worked before nodding and handing me the snare.

I carried the piece off and returned, grabbing some cymbals to take off. He didn't say anything, just grabbed a piece too. I followed him off stage and glanced at Jona worriedly. He shook his head at me, shrugging. I could tell he knew what was going on. He wasn't telling me.

I sighed, finishing with Tom before working on my band’s equipment. Set up took about twenty minutes. We left the stage, sweaty from the lights and humidity. I wished the guys luck, smiling at Josh as best as I could.

"After," he shouted over the screaming crowd. I nodded, rolling my eyes.

I took the time I had during their set to find Jona. I searched the entire venue, even went down to the bar where the majority of the jackasses chose to harass me. He was nowhere to be found.

I sighed, heading for the exit to check outside. He was probably out having a cigarette. I exited, accurate in my guess. He was sitting on the curb. Sadly, Tom was next to him. I considered turning back but couldn’t shake the need to talk to him. So I crept forward quietly. I paused a few feet away, their conversation reaching my ears.

"Yeh seriously think tha's the problem?" Tom asked him. "I mean, wha’ if she's jus' not interested in me? I shouldn' bother tryin' again. It's no' like it'll change anythin'."

"Yeh're kiddin' yehself, Tommy," Jona answered, chuckling. "Give it a little time, 'kay? Try talkin' in a couple o' days."

"An' if she still hates me?" Tom countered. "Wha' then?"

"Let 'er go, I guess," Jona shrugged.

"Can I?" Tom sighed, burying his head in his hands.

"I don' know. We'll wait an' see, I guess," Jona replied.

"An' if I can't?" Tom asked, looking up at the guitarist.

Jona was silent for second. He seemed to be searching for the right words. I used the pause to sink farther into the shadow of the building, sitting down quietly as I waited.

"I don' think yeh'll 'ave to," Jona admitted. "She'll come aroun'. I think there's more to this than 'ate. She can't still be pissed over the photographs. I don' think she 'ates yeh."

"Tha' doesn't mean she likes me, though," Tom replied. Jona chuckled.

"Yeh wan' my opinion on tha'?" he asked, looking at the tech.

“Yeh,” Tom confirmed, rubbing his face.

“I honestly think she jus’ needs time,” Jona replied.

“She’s ‘ad time!” Tom retorted.

“The firs’ time yeh ever met ‘er officially, she was givin’ yeh shit for takin’ photographs of ‘er,” Jona reminded, shoving the boy playfully.

“Wha’s tha’ gotta do with it?” Tom frowned.

“Yeh’ve seen her, haven’ yeh? She’s clearly unimpressed by those stunts,” Jona answered.

“But wha’ does tha’ have to do with anythin’?” Tom repeated.

“I don’ know,” Jona shrugged. “Listen, Tommy, yeh like ‘er then give ‘er some time, alrigh’? She’ll come around.”

“An’ if she doesn’? Wha’ then?”

“Quit being so God damn negative, would yeh?” the guitarist snapped, hitting the boy up the back of the head.

“I can’ ‘elp it, Christ!” he snapped. “She’s drivin’ me fuckin’ crazy! Sometimes she seems interested other times I feel like she’d willingly rip me to shreds!”

I flinched at the boy’s choice of words, guilt flooding my chest. That was definitely not what I’d intended. Maybe when we first started talking but...that’s the last thing I felt right now. I stared at the pitch black pavement, pressing my back against the wall. I kept to the shadows as the two continued to talk about me.

Finally giving up, Tom got up and walked down the road. Jona watched him go. I heard him say something, looking back to see him get up and walk back inside. I waited a few minutes, making sure he didn’t come back out.

I got up slowly and edged along the wall before heading toward the sidewalk. I could see Tom’s silhouette in the distance, sitting on the curb with his head bent. I frowned, disappointed in myself.

I kept walking, slow at first. My thoughts were racing, offering up reasons as to why I shouldn’t be headed that way. I ignored them and kept on track. I slipped closer and closer, ears and eyes on high. I didn’t want to make too much noise. That’s when I noticed it.

It got stronger the closer I got. I tilted my head, confused as I slowed my pace. The sounds grew as I approached, muffled whimpers becoming clearer. My jaw dropped slowly as I strayed from my original path, shocked by this. I fell back into the shadows, hand covering my mouth as I stared at the boy. He let go quickly, his shoulders shaking as he hid his face.

“Why?” he breathed, looking up at the sky. “Why do yeh always do this to me? Am I not fuckin’ worthy? Why?!”

I stood back as he shouted at the sky, tears filling my eyes. This was because of me. All the crap he was dealing with right now...I’d brought it on.

I looked away, gnawing at my lip as I stifled my sob. He wouldn’t want me to see him. He wouldn’t want to know I was here watching him. I walked down the alley I’d hidden in. Tears slid down my face, anger flaring as I cursed myself. I hated hurting people. I definitely wasn’t happy about this at all.

I got back to my bus and dropped down on the front step, burying my face in my arms as I let it all out. I screamed and ranted, cursing the heavens at the top of my lungs. I fucking hated this place. I hated the life I was forced into. I hated myself for screwing up the last time, realizing too late. I hated what was wrong with me. I hated seeing Tom cry. I hated being the cause of it.