Find Me On My Better Days

It had been two weeks since Zacky had moved. I didn’t know where to, and the guys wouldn’t tell me. I was devastated, and each day was a fight just to get up in the morning. Finally, Matt had enough and drove me to a psychiatrist. It was a waste of time. I looked down at the prescription in my hand and sighed loudly. I wasn’t depressed, I just had a broken heart. When Johnny had told Brian and Matt about what he and Zacky had said to each other, they seemed surprised that I wasn’t mad at Johnny. Johnny had practically made Zacky leave town, but I loved Johnny too much, needed him too much as well. He was my best friend and I knew he did it to protect me. I guess I would’ve done the same thing for him. If I could, I would’ve sacrificed my life and happiness, as long as he would be safe and happy. He was more than a friend; he was a brother, a lover, best friend and soul-mate. I could never be mad at him.

I sighed and got my medication. Anti-depressants, huh! I didn’t need those. Not really. I just needed Zacky. I was on my way out from the pharmacy when I heard someone say his name.
“You’re pregnant with Zacky Vengeance’s child?!” I peaked around the corner and saw Gena and a dark-haired girl. The dark-haired girl turned around, and I saw Michelle. I sniffled and they both looked at me. Michelle’s face was a mix between shock and compassion, while Gena was really enjoying this.
“Yes, I am. And I think he’s going to marry me, he really wants a child, you know.” She smiled viciously and I left the pharmacy with Michelle shouting after me. I got in the car, fired up the engine and drove out from the parking-lot. I saw Michelle stand alone, her phone in the hand, being all hysterical and dramatic. I wanted this miserable life of mine to end.
I almost drove on red light, but I decided not to. First of all, it was a big chance of me surviving the car crash, secondly, the person who would drive into me might would’ve been killed. And I didn’t want that. I saw a trailer drive in front of me. It would’ve killed me, but still... The driver could’ve been hurt. And I didn’t want to kill myself, that would be the easiest way out of this mess, and it would also prove the psychiatrist right. That bastard was not to have that pleasure. Fuck no! As the light turned green, I put the pedal to the floor and wasn’t sure what to do. I could just leave. Never go back to stupid Huntington Beach ever again, or I could stay and pursuit a life filled with happiness. I sighed and kept driving down the speedway, lost in my thoughts.

Without Zacky I didn’t want to live, and I most certainly didn’t want to see him and Gena and their child. Just the thought of it made me sick, so I pulled over and threw up. What was wrong with me? I wasn’t pregnant, why did I keep on throwing up? Maybe it was because of the so-called ‘depression’? I got in the car and found the meds, swallowed two pills and drank half of my bottle with water. I needed to forget about Zacky and perfect Gena. I went to the beach and sat down in the sand. I was glad I had put on a bikini this morning; I needed to feel the cold water, needed to feel it gently touch my skin, needed it to make the numb go away. As I slowly walked into the ocean’s cold - yet welcoming - embrace, I knew what to do. I had to try to move on. Zacky would be there for his child, he wasn’t the person to walk away from a pregnant woman. He was a man of honour and he would be there for Gena and the baby. After some time, I think he would’ve taught himself to love Gena. He would never hate his child, no matter how disgusting the mother was, I knew how badly and how much he loved and wanted children of his own. What hurt the most was the fact that Zacky wanted it with me, and I would never be able to give it to him. He had ran away from me, instead of staying with me, fighting for – and with me. It wasn’t exactly helping that the guys had kind of pushed him away from me, but they thought they were helping me. They had only made it worse. I could never tell them this and they probably wouldn’t understand it anyways. They were too caught up in their new upcoming album. I couldn’t blame them; Avenged sevenfold was really hot these days. I sighed heavily and swam out to the ocean. Once again, I was far away in my own thoughts.

I didn’t realize how far I had swam, until my leg got hooked into something, and forced me under the water. When I reached the surface again, gasping for air, I saw that I was about three hundred feet away from the beach. I panicked, which made everything worse. I was dragged under the surface again, unable to get up again. My head started to ache, in lack of air, and I knew that this would be the end. My vision went blurry, I saw black spots, and I knew I was on my way to faint. If I fainted I knew I would die. I kicked off one last time, and this time I reached the surface. The air burned, and I took several deep breaths, didn’t care about how much it hurt. I screamed out as loud as I could, somebody had to be on the beach? But no. I saw dark clouds closing in, and I could hear the thunder. I stopped to fight for survival, and let the dark and cold water close around me. I had no reason for living, why had I fought? The guys would take it hard in the beginning, but after a while, they would understand that it all would be easier without me. I had been nothing but a burden since day one. I closed my eyes, only to find that I was unable to open them again. My last thoughts before everything went black, was that I hoped I never would open them again. I pictured Zacky’s face, smiled and said out loud: “I love you.” Then I breathed in the cold, dark sea water.