Find Me On My Better Days

I stared at him for a couple of minutes. He stared back with hope in his eyes. When he realized I wasn’t going to say anything, he got up from bed and walked to the bathroom. I could hear the shower, so I got up and found one of his boxers and an oversized t-shirt. I walked down to his living room and sat down in the loveseat. I curled my legs up under me and supported my head on my knees. Why couldn’t I just have told him that I love him too? I wasn’t going to cry – I felt numbness spread in my body, and I realized I was back at the beginning. But now I understood why I felt this numbness, it was because I was frightened of love. I pushed everything and everyone away from me, the only person I couldn’t push away from me was Johnny. Maybe I should call him and get him to come and pick me up? No. I couldn’t do that. I’d already ran away from Zacky once, I didn’t want to do that. I wished I had told him. I sighed, and didn’t notice the shower stop. I laid down in the couch and closed my eyes. I tried to see long into the future, I tried to picture it with someone. I could see myself smiling and kissing a man. Who was this man? I was about to find out when someone threw a towel on me.
“What the?!” I exclaimed, Zacky had startled me by throwing the towel on me. He didn’t even smile, he just looked at me, his eyes were emotionless.
“Want me to drive you home now?” I couldn’t read his expression, nor his eyes. I knew I had hurt him, but what could I do? If I told him I loved him now, he would believe it was just because I didn’t want to hurt him. And who could really blame him? I knew I would’ve reacted the same way as he did. So I just nodded and gave him a weak smile. He didn’t smile back, it seemed more as if he was trying to ignore me.
“Your clothes is in the bathroom.” He turned and went out the door to start the car.
The ride home was awful. I hated it. He didn’t look at me once, didn’t say a word, and he just nodded when I said goodbye. I stood in the driveway and watched him drive away from me, watched him leave me. But I couldn’t do anything, could I? Before I knew it I was running after his car. I don’t know if he saw me, he turned around the corner, and by the time I was there, Zacky’s car was gone. I cursed and started to walk home, slow. I needed some time to think about what I was going to do. I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. By the time I reached my house, I was more confused than ever.
**Two days later**
“Brian! I don’t want to tell you, mkay? Now, accept it!”
“You have to tell me, Jenna! He’s being a pain in the ass, not only does he ask about you every fifth minute, but every time we do mention you, he gets angry and doesn’t want us to talk about you! So tell me what the fuck happened between the two of you? I thought you loved him?” I remained quiet. I didn’t want to tell Brian how stupid I had been. After a while he sighed and rolled his eyes.
“I won’t leave until you tell me. Actually, I’ll call Matt and Johnny and tell them to get their asses over here, and be a pain in the ass for you.” I shot him a glare, and he laughed.
“Do that. Let’s see who can keep out the longest.” I smirked. I had lived with Jimmy for three years, I had been there when he was drunk, I could handle everything. Brian left my bedroom to call the guys. When he left, I felt my smirk vanish. I missed Zacky so much. I had tried to call him, but he didn’t pick up, I sent him loads of texts and I even went to one of their band rehearsals. He had ignored me completely. After a quarter or so, I heard the front door open, and someone ran up the stairs. The bedroom door was forced open, and Johnny and Matt jumped up in my bed. They promised to leave my bed if I got up and took a shower. According to Johnny, I smelled as if I was the Grinch or something. I murmured some unpleasant words and stepped into the bathroom.
When I’d finally taken a shower, someone knocked on the bathroom door. I was irritated and frustrated and decided to open the door in nothing but a towel so small, it barely hid my more private parts.
“What?” I hissed. But when I opened the door, I got shocked. In front of me stood Zacky.
“Here. They told me to find you some clothes.” His face didn’t express anything. It was devastating to see that he already had forgotten about me. I lifted my hands to my face, not thinking about that I had to hold up the towel. I couldn’t understand why I suddenly became a bit colder, and why Zacky started to breath rapidly. I removed my hands and understood what had happened. I blushed and tried to cover myself with my hands. I looked up to see Zacky’s reaction. He wasn’t even looking at me, he looked away.
“I-I’m sorry”, I stuttered, “I, uhm, I’ll just take these and get dressed fast. Sorry.” I grabbed the clothes and shut the door. Zacky was over me. Apparently he didn’t love me, he’d just said he did. Maybe it’s for the best I didn’t tell him I loved him? I got dressed and walked down the stairs when I got a new shock.
Zacky stood in my living room and made out with a tall blonde. She was gorgeous. Her blonde hair was shoulder short, her face was covered perfect with makeup, she had the most beautiful green/brown eyes and of course a perfect tan. I coughed, letting them know I was there. Zacky and his girl turned around first, I knew that the other guys thought this was awkward, I could sense it. The bimbo shot me a glare and pulled Zacky down to her, kissing him passionately. When they were done with their make out session, she smiled viciously. Brian made a face, which caused me to laugh. The smile disappeared from the face of the bimbo, and Zacky looked rather.. Uncomfortable. Johnny got up from the couch and seized my arm.
“Bye.” He said, and dragged me outside, and pushed me inside his car. ‘What the fuck?’
“Let’s go to my place.” Was all he said when he got in the car. My front door opened, and I could see Matt and Brian. They didn’t look confused, they were followed by Zacky and the bimbo – they both were extremely confused.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know he’d bring her. Brian called me and Matt, and we called Zacky.”
“You knew about her?” I said. My voice was calm, but a storm was running through my veins. He looked over at me, nervous, but when he saw my calm face he just nodded.
“Yeah. He met her at the bar two days ago.” Two days ago? That must’ve been the day he’d drove me home. Now I knew why I hesitated with telling him I loved him. Now I knew why I was so afraid of loving him in general. It was because I couldn’t trust him. Fuck.