The Sun Also Sets

Hayden looked into the dull brown eyes of her therapist. Dr. Haley Roberts was thirty-eight years old, married, with two sons. She was friendly, but very professional.

“What was the question again?” Hayden asked.

“I asked you to tell me about your friends.”

“Well,” Hayden started, “There’s Eric Halvorsen.”

“How long have you been friends?” Dr. Robert’s asked.

“Um, since we were four years old maybe? He’s always been my best friend,” she said.

“Anything more than just best friend?”

Hayden shrugged, “We dated in high school for a while. We had a very amicable break-up.”

“So you told me that people here… they judged you. But Eric never did?” the doctor asked.

“No, Eric was always… kind of oblivious. I guess he just really loved me, so even though I made mistakes, it didn’t matter,” Hayden said, realizing this for the first time as she said it to herself.

“He sounds like a person you need to keep in your life,” Dr. Roberts said, “Anyone else?”

“Garrett Nickelsen. He’s kind of like my little brother. It kind of sucks but… our friendship is kind of artificial. We don’t talk about those intense things, but I love the kid.”

“Did your relationship stay the same when it changed with everyone else?” she asked.

Hayden shook her head, “We didn’t talk as much. But when I jumped… he was a wreck. I couldn’t stay mad at him.”

Dr. Roberts looked like she was literally biting her tongue, “Anyone else?”

“Well, I’ve recently started becoming friends with Kennedy Brock, Kelsey’s brother. He doesn’t know anything about my past,” she said.

“Do you plan to tell him?”

“Not if it isn’t necessary.”

“I like the relationship that you have with Kennedy, but you’ll have to tell him at some point,” Dr. Roberts said.

“We’ll see,” Hayden said, really only to please her therapist.

“What about John O’Callaghan?”

Hayden furrowed her eyebrows, “What about him?”

“Kelsey mentioned him here, and the nurses found it important enough to put it in the file. Who is he?”

“He’s not anyone, not to me,” Hayden told her.

“What did he used to be?” Dr. Roberts pushed.

“A friend, okay? We used to be friends and we are not anymore. I do not want to talk about it,” Hayden said firmly.

She shifted gears quickly, “Do you remember the first moment that you thought of suicide?”

It was only their first session, but the questions were becoming harder and harder.

“Sure I do,” Hayden said after a pause.

“Would you like to share?”

Hayden looked at her. She really did want to tell her, she wanted to tell someone. But she honestly didn’t know the answers. Of course she remembered when she first thought of suicide. She did not, however, know why she was depressed, or who was responsible for making her feel this way.

She didn’t think she was depressed, she thought she was rational. And it was not anyone’s fault except her own.

But that is not what Dr. Roberts wanted to hear.

“I first thought of suicide when I realized I didn’t deserve to live.”

“And why didn’t you deserve to live?”

“You read my file, didn’t you? You ran my name through some databases and you know why. Why do you have to ask?” Hayden asked harshly.

Dr. Roberts closed her folder and took off her reading glasses, “It’s not about me understanding why, Hayden. This is about you.”

“I don’t understand how talking about it will change anything,” Hayden said.

“This is a voluntary clinic, you know? If therapy with you is going to be like pulling teeth, then I don’t have to be here. You’re not the only volunteer,” Dr. Roberts said, “But I want to help you. I want you to understand, and for you to be able to do that, I need you to talk to me.”

Hayden bit her lip and contemplated it. It couldn’t hurt, but even when she wanted to say it she couldn’t find the words. She finally spoke with tears in her eyes, “I didn’t…I don’t deserve to live because I took someone else’s life.”

“You didn’t take that person’s life on purpose, did you?”

“Of course not,” Hayden said, “But it was still my fault.”

“Has anyone else ever told you that?”

“Pretty much everyone,” she said, tears slowly falling down her cheeks.

Dr. Roberts sent her a warm smile, “I think that’s enough for today. You did really, really well.”

Hayden forced a smile, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“First, we need to discuss your list of the people you can leave with,” she said, “I added the three you told me about. If there is ever anyone else you want to add, just let me know.”

Hayden understood what she was trying to do, but she dismissed it with a polite smile, “I will.”

++

John woke up to Eric opening the blinds of the window directly across from his bed. He groaned and turned over on his stomach, burying his head in the pillows.

“Wake up!” Eric yelled.

“Go away,” John ordered.

“It is five o’clock in the afternoon. You’ve been sleeping for almost twenty four hours!” Eric said.

John sat up, looking at his cell phone and seeing it really was five o’clock, “Wow. That’s like, amazing.”

“I hope you’re hungry,” Eric said, “My mom invited you for Sunday dinner.”

“Pot roast?”

“She always makes the best for you,” Eric mumbled angrily, “Take a shower and get dressed.”

John did as Eric said and got ready quickly. Halvo drove them to his childhood home.

On the way there they passed John’s parent’s house. He hadn’t been there in years. Before he and Eric moved in to their house he crashed with anyone who would take him. It wasn’t that he was angry at his parents; he actually really missed them. It was just too hard with all the memories the house held.

And all the memories that the Reynolds’ home right down the street held made it easy to stay away.

They arrived and John knocked lightly on the front door before opening it.

“Halvorsens, I’m home!” John yelled, smiling.

“Well, hello John O’Callaghan,” Mrs. Halvorsen smiled, hugging him.

“Hi mama,” he said, holding her tight.

“Hi mommy,” Eric said.

“Have you two been eating?” she asked, patting John’s stomach, “Dinner is almost ready, you two watch the game or something.”

They sat down in the living room and watched the baseball game on the television. It wasn’t long before they heard someone bound down the stairs.

“John!” she squeaked.

He looked up and saw Leah Halvorsen walking to him, a smile on her face. He grinned and stood, lifting her off the ground in a tight hug.

She had long brown hair and classic good looks that she got from her mom, making John wonder if she and Eric were even related.

“I missed you!” she said.

He set her down, “Jesus, how old are you now?”

“Fifteen,” she smiled, “Almost sixteen.”

“Hey, Lee,” Eric waved, “Yeah, nice to see you too.”

She rolled her eyes and looked back at John, “How have you been?”

“Pretty great,” he told her, “How about you?”

“I’ve been good! Just finishing up sophomore year,” she said as she sat down next to Eric; John followed suit.

She was so beautiful now. Leah was just like his little sister, and it made him slightly sad that he didn’t get to watch her grow up.

“Kids, dinner is ready!”

“Where is Mr. Halvo?” John asked when they got to the table.

“He should be here soon,” Eric’s mom said.

The group dug into their food, making small conversation. John loved Eric’s family, they were so together and they just loved each other. He used to come over every Sunday for dinner.

“How is Hayden?” Eric’s mom asked when the conversation lulled.

“I think she’s doing a lot better. She’s happy to be out of the hospital, at least,” Eric said.

John tried to stuff his mouth with food so that no one would ask him questions. He thought he was saved when Mr. Halvorsen joined them, apologizing for his tardiness.

But he wasn’t.

“John, have you gone to see her?” Mrs. Halvorsen asked. He knew what she was doing. She was playing dumb, and she knew that John wouldn’t explode on her. He would answer politely, because she had been like his second mother growing up.

“Mom,” Eric said, hushing her.

“No..uh,” John began, wiping his face with his napkin before beginning, “I actually did, on her birthday.”

Eric looked at him, “You did?”

“Yeah, um, I told her happy birthday. I left right after because she looked tired, but yeah,” John said.

“That’s great, John,” she smiled.

“Why is it great?” Leah asked.

“Lee…” Now it was Eric’s dad doing the hushing.

“No, I mean, seriously, why is it a good thing that he go and see her? He has a right to be angry,” she said rationally.

“Watch it, Leah,” Eric said carefully, looking at his plate.

“I get that she’s your best friend, Eric, but so is John. You could be sympathetic to that. I mean... I’m still angry about it and I shouldn’t be, I know. But she doesn’t deserve to be talked about at our dinner table,” she said.

“Leah.” Eric said loudly, the sound of his fork hitting his plate making a loud sound that forced the rest of the table to fall silent. “Stop, okay. Just stop. You’re instigating this and you don’t even know the half of it. We all mourned and you have no right to hate this girl because it was not her fault.”

“I know it wasn’t her fault, Eric. But look at your best friend,” she said, pointing at John, “Look at his face and see that he is not the same. How can you speak so highly of her when it is obviously killing him?”

Eric glanced at John, and John wasn’t sure what to say. He gave him a quick look before looking down. Eric shook his head and threw his napkin down, getting ready to stand.

“Four years ago I told Eric that if he chose her I wouldn’t be his friend any longer. But he did it anyways. And I’m glad he did because if she didn’t have him she probably would have just tried again. And that’s not closure, right? Her death wouldn’t help, not me anyways,” John said.

Everyone looked at him with sad eyes, and Eric sat back down.

“I’m sorry for what happened to you, John,” Leah said.

“Thanks,” he said, “I don’t want you guys to hate her just because I do. I used to want that, I used to despise that Eric loved her still. But it’s just too overwhelming. I love you like my sister, Lee, and I don’t want you to feel the way I do.”

“I’ll try,” she said, holding out her hand. He rested his atop it and Mrs. Halvorsen smiled reassuringly.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief that this family dinner didn’t end with everyone running off. They all finished their food and continued to make conversation. When dinner was over and Eric’s mom refused any help with the dishes, the three youngest of the group sat in the living room.

“Eric, I need your help,” Leah said.

“Okay?” he laughed.

“I need to get permission to go to a party tonight,” she stated, “It’s at my friend Kellen Graham’s house.”

“Does she have an older brother named Kyle?” John asked.

“Yeah, I figured you would know him. He’s providing the alcohol,” she said quietly.

“Oh hell no, you’re not going to that,” Eric said.

“Come on! I don’t want to lie to our parents,” she said.

“Why would you tell me this?” Eric said, squirming around like he couldn’t sit still with the thought of it. “Isn’t it a school night?”

“We’re on spring break,” she said, “John, any ideas?”

“I don’t know, Lee, Kyle was a bad kid when we knew him. But if you really wan-”

“No!” Eric cut him off.

John rolled his eyes, “If you really want to go tell them you’re going to spend the night at Kellen’s. That’s not a lie.”

“And what about when they ask if her parents will be home?”

“You say her older brother will be there the whole time. Also not a lie,” John smiled, pleased with himself.

“Thanks, John oh! I’m going to go get ready,” she said.

“We’re probably leaving,” Eric said, standing. He put his hands on either side of her face, “Call John if you need a ride home because you’re plastered.”

She laughed, pushing him away and moving to hug John, “Thanks.”

“Be safe, okay?” he said.

“I will,” she said, pulling away, “I pray for you every day, John.”

“Me too, kiddo,” John said, ruffling her hair.

She begrudgingly hugged Eric goodbye before running upstairs to get ready.

“Did you really mean what you said about being happy that I’m such a good person?” Eric grinned.

“I’m pretty sure I didn’t say that at all,” John laughed.

“You looove me!” Eric said, hugging him, “Awe.”

He pushed him away, rolling his eyes. They said goodbye to Eric parents and thanked them once more for dinner, promising they would see them next Sunday.

Eric drove them home and when they approached the street John was so familiar with Eric spoke up, “You want to stop?”

“Not today,” John said.

“You really went to see her?”

“Yeah, um, it was just kind of impulse,” John said.

“Sounds like a big step to me,” Eric said, “This is good, right?”

John nodded his head, not wanting to upset his best friend by disagreeing. John didn’t feel any better. He was still angry. Maybe he didn’t harbor a grudge towards just hearing her name, and he didn’t spend all of his time anymore wishing that she would get what she deserved.

But he was still mourning and it still wasn’t fair. He was still furious that God had taken an innocent life, and that Hayden had played a part.

Life wasn’t fair, and neither was death.