The Sun Also Sets

“Tell me about your family.”

Hayden shifted uncomfortably in her chair unintentionally, “I haven’t really spoken to them since…”

“Since what?”

She sighed, “The accident.”

Dr. Roberts smiled at her willingness not to avoid the issue, “Is that your choice or theirs?”

“Communication is a two-way street isn’t it, doctor?” Hayden questioned.

“You have a little brother, correct?” she asked, flipping pages up on her clipboard.

“Caleb. He’s almost sixteen.”

“Were you close?” Dr. Roberts asked.

“Very,” she said, “I guess we got along better since we were farther apart. He was basically like my best girl friend before he was too old to listen to my ranting.”

“So it would be safe to say that you two were more friends than siblings? I mean, friends as in you could talk about things,” she asked.

“Well, he was only eleven when Grace died. We couldn’t have crazy deep conversations or anything, but he was always pretty good at giving advice,” Hayden said, laughing a little at memories of Caleb telling her that Eric was acting stupid, or that John needed to get his act together.

“So why do you think you two haven’t spoken?”

“My parents,” she replied shortly.

“They have that much control over him?” the doctor asked.

“Well when you’re as young as he is it’s kind of hard not to be so impressionable,” Hayden said.

“Maybe he has more control over it then you think, Hayden,” she said carefully.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that you shouldn’t let Caleb get off so easily. He is old enough to know that he has a choice to talk to you. He’s just not making that choice,” Dr. Roberts said.

“But-”

“No, Hayden. This is a part of your therapy. Along with realizing things aren’t your fault, you have to accurately pin the blame when it is someone else’s fault,” she said sternly.

Hayden didn’t like hearing what doctor Roberts was saying, even though she could admit she was right. All of these years she blamed her parents for not letting Caleb come around her. It was true when he was a kid, but right now he had no excuse.

He had seen the news when she jumped, he had heard the questions people at school asked, and he did nothing. It was his fault for shutting her out. She didn’t do anything wrong.

“What about your parents?”

“What about them?” Hayden asked carelessly.

“Let’s start with your dad,” she said, “What was your relationship like?”

“He was a good dad. He just worked a lot. But he always remembered our birthdays and got us presents when he went out of town. But I guess the biggest problem was that he was not present,” Hayden said, “So because of that he never really knew me.”

“How did your mom and dad interact?”

“My mom was definitely the dominant personality. It was her way or no way. I guess he just loved her a lot,” Hayden shrugged.

“Your mother was a drinker right?”

“She never wanted to be a mom. She just didn’t care, so she drank,” she said.

“So you resent her for that?”

“I suppose,” Hayden said, “I had to kind of take care of Caleb when he was growing up.”

“You shouldn’t hold those grudges, Hayden,” she said.

“I know,” she said, slightly sad, “But why did they cut me out of their lives? Mr. and Mrs. O’Callaghan have been better to me than they have and I killed their daughter.”

Dr. Roberts cringed at her use of the words, “You didn’t kill her. And honestly? Your parents, mother specifically, was looking for a way to leave you long before the accident. Some people just shouldn’t be parents.”

Hayden nodded her head, not saying anything. She was almost pleased with herself. She was able to accept that the misfortunes in her life weren’t her fault, and it felt good.

“Good job today, Hayden,” Dr. Roberts said as she packed up her things, “But don’t think you got away from talking about John again.”

“Well, technically I did,” Hayden said, moving from a chair to her bed.

“See you later,” she said before leaving her room.

Hayden lay back on her bed, stretching out. It had been a week since her interaction with John at the park. She felt better. After she and Kennedy had kissed he left. He was going out of town with his family until the next weekend; they had talked every day so far.

The phone directly hard wired from her room to the front offices rang and she answered it.

“Hayden,” the woman on the other line spoke, “There’s two young men at the front desk here for you. One says he is your brother and the other a friend.”

Her heart started beating faster and her voice was shaking as she spoke, “Um, yeah they’re good.”

She waited impatiently at the foot of her bed. She expected the friend to be Eric. Maybe he had finally made Caleb feel so guilty he talked him into coming.

But when her door opened she didn’t know which emotion to feel. Her heart was swelling with love for her brother and anger for the man behind him. She tore her eyes away from John and looked at Caleb.

His brown hair was choppy and styled messy atop his head. He wore cargo shorts and a plain white tee, his muscles almost bulging out of it. He was good looking and standing next to one another she knew they looked alike.

“Hey,” he said quietly.

She wasn’t sure what to say. She couldn’t read his body language or see if he was uncomfortable, because she didn’t know him. But her heart decided for her and before she knew it she was jumping into his arms and burying her face in the crook of his neck.

Hayden was crying, the happy kind of tears that hadn’t come in a while. Caleb held onto her tightly like he would never let go, and she didn’t care.

Finally he set her down and she kept her hands on his shoulders and laughed, “You’re so big now!”

“You’re not!” he laughed with her, “Is is possible that you’ve already begun degenerating?”

She rolled her eyes, “Wh-what are you doing here?”

“I figured it was about time I got my butt here,” he said, “John offered to drive me.”

Hayden finally looked at the man with his hands in his pockets swaying awkwardly from foot to foot. He focused his eyes on them.

“I’ll wait outside,” he said.

Once Hayden and Caleb were alone Caleb spoke, “You look great.”

“So do you,” she smiled, “What took you so long?”

He let out a breath and sat next to her on the edge of the bed, “I was scared to see you. I thought you’d be mad.”

Her first reaction was to lie and tell him she wasn’t angry at all. But she was, and she wasn’t going to deny it, “I am pretty angry, kid. Four years is a long time to ignore someone.”

“I know,” he said sadly, “It’s just… mom and dad. They got better. They started treating me like I was actually their son and… I was selfish, I am selfish. I didn’t want them to get angry at me for keeping in contact. When you came to my thirteenth birthday party… remember that disaster? I didn’t want it to happen again.”

Hayden shuddered at the thought. She had gone to his party, barely giving him his present before their mother-- drunk already—started screaming and calling Hayden names. She left in tears, and that was the last time she saw her family.

“They’re better, huh?”

“Somewhat,” he said, “They don’t talk about you anymore. I can tell dad misses you. I caught him crying when you were on the news. And mom… she drinks more. Not just for no reason, she does it because she realized she lost you. She only does it at night when she thinks I’ve gone to sleep.”

Hayden’s eyes filled with tears at the thought of her dad crying over her, but then she realized that she was angry at him, too, “They made a choice, Caleb.”

“I love you so much, Hayden. And I’m sorry it took me so long to say it,” he said.

“I forgive you,” she told him honestly.

They stayed quiet for a while, “Hayden, why did you do it?”

She drew circles on the bed comforter beneath her, “Because I didn’t think I deserved to live.”

“Why not?”

“Because Gracie died,” she said.

“That wasn’t your fault,” Caleb said, “And I never thought you would be so stupid.”

“Caleb…”

“No, Hayden,” he said, “You used to be so strong. I looked up to you because every time mom would forget your soccer games or forget to make us dinner you didn’t complain. You knew that it wasn’t our fault and we moved forward. But now all of a sudden because John says some things you fall apart.”

“It’s hard to explain, Caleb. And even harder to understand. All I can tell you is that I’m at a better place now. Not at the best place, but its better,” she told him.

“Killing yourself could never be the right move,” he said, “Would Grace have wanted you to end your life when she never got that chance?”

“No…” Hayden said.

“We have to make her proud,” he said, “It’s all we can do.”

Hayden nodded her head, “I’m trying.”

“Some of my friends were at the park last week… when you and John got in that fight. They said it got pretty loud and they heard some things that he said. Leah had to lock me in my room so I didn’t go beat his ass,” Caleb said.

“So how can you be okay coming with him?” she asked.

He gave her an unexpected smile, “It’s kind of reverse psychology. I figured maybe if he knows that you have people like me, Eric, that guy Kennedy that Halvo told me about… he would realize that you’re not going to back down so easy.”

“You’re a good little brother,” she smiled.

“Making up for lost time,” he told her, “I love you, sis.”

She smiled at him and squeezed his hand, “I love you too. I got you a birthday gift. That’s coming up, right?”

“Two weeks,” he said, “I’ll probably see you before then.”

“I don’t care,” she laughed, “They’ve been taking up a lot of room.”

She opened up her closet and used her feet to roll out multiple sports balls. Caleb gave her a questioning look as he surveyed the soccer ball, basketball, baseball, football, and even a hockey puck. “What are all these?”

She gave him a sad look but chuckled nervously, “I didn’t know what sport you played now, so I figured it had to be one. I was going to have Eric ask Leah before I sent it to you.”

They both stood in the silence, the tension slowly dissolving. It wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable, every word was just stained with the sadness of having been apart for so long that it was becoming too much.

“I’ll tell you what,” he said, “I’ll come back for my gift sometime before my birthday.”

“Good,” she gave him a weak smile.

“I should go,” he said. Hayden only now remembered John was still here.

She walked him to the door and hugged him once more, “Thanks for coming, little brother.”

“I’ll see you soon,” he said.

“Are you going to tell mom and dad you came?”

He paused for a moment, “Yeah, I am. And then I’m going to tell them that I’m going to see you again and again until you’re better, because that’s what families do.”

She smiled, “Sounds good.”

He opened the door, “By the way, its basketball, soccer, and baseball.”

She nodded her head, “Don’t get any girls pregnant.”

“Got it,” he laughed before he took a step out.

“Ready?” Caleb asked John.

He looked at Hayden and then to Caleb and the younger boy nodded his head, “I’ll wait in the car.”

Once Caleb was far enough down the hallway John spoke, “He called me up and asked me to take him. He was really anxious to see you.”

“Am I supposed to thank you or something?” she asked.

“I was just trying to be nice. I didn’t come here to fight so don’t ju-”

She cut him off and spoke quietly, “Thank you.”

He looked at her, surprised before he talked again, “He seems to have turned out to be a pretty good kid.”

Hayden didn’t understand why he was trying to make small talk, but she went along with it, “I always knew he would.”

“I’m sorry about that day in the park.”

“Right,” she rolled her eyes, knowing it was just a matter of time before he stopped beating around the bush.

“I am, Hayden. I said some things that were horrible and you don’t deserve that,” he said.

“Damn straight,” she nodded her head.

“I’ve been thinking about getting some help. You know like… professionally,” he said.

“Good,” she replied, “I know some good therapists if you need help.”

“Hayden… do you want to get some coffee or something sometime? We could talk. No fighting or anything. Just a talk,” he said.

Hayden didn’t really have to think before she spoke. “That’s not a good idea right now, John. I’m doing really well right now and I don’t want that ruined again.”

“So maybe in a while?” he asked.

She shrugged, “John, while you were apologizing you admitted the things you said were horrible and I didn’t deserve them, but you never said that you didn’t mean them.”

“Hayden…”

She spoke to keep him from saying something that would make her weaker, because right now she felt stronger that she had in years, “So until you can admit that, we don’t have anything else to talk about.”