The Sun Also Sets

*READ AUTHOR'S NOTE*

John spun the small circle of silver on the table in front of him, watching it spin endlessly like it was a children’s toy.

“Do not tell me you’re going to propose.”

He actually laughed out loud before snatching the ring off the table and stuffing it back in his pocket, “I don’t believe in marriage.”

“So what’s the ring for?” Dr. Roberts asked.

“It’s more symbolic, I guess. Of the love I used to feel. I wanted to marry her,” he said quietly.

“Why don’t you believe in marriage?”

“I used to believe in it…” he said to himself, “But now I think it’s just stupid to believe one person is meant for another.”

“Why?”

He sighed, “Do you believe in soul mates?”

“Sure I do,” the therapist said. John figured she was lying and only saying so to keep him talking.

“So what about Grace’s soul mate? What’s going to happen to him?” he asked.

“I can’t answer that, John,” she said, “You know that.”

“I hope he’s happy,” he mumbled.

“Who?”

“God. He hurt so many people, even strangers. All for what? Nothing,” he grumbled.

“I don’t agree,” she said, “You know I don’t do religious counseling, but he didn’t do this for nothing.”

“What did he do it for? Please don’t tell me you can’t answer that,” he begged.

“Think about yourself before the accident. I mean, close your eyes and relax.”

John did as she said and pictured himself years ago where he was most comfortable: at the park with Hayden.

“How do you feel?”

“Happy… it’s a nice day outside and Hayden is wearing my favorite dress,” he said.

“Why else are you happy?” she pushed.

He hesitated for a moment, “Because I’m with the girl I love and we’re not fighting.”

“So you’re happy… because you’re not unhappy?” Dr. Roberts suggested.

He nodded his head, “I suppose.”

“Picture yourself right now. Still happy?” she asked.

He opened his eyes, “Just content.”

“Content because you are, or because you’re not exactly dissatisfied?”

“Content because I am. I’m more… at peace,” he told her honestly.

“Close your eyes again,” she directed, “Back then, did you know who you were? Did you believe the things you do now?”

“You mean about life?”

“Sure,” she replied.

“I was completely clueless back then,” John said.

“Clueless to what?”

He thought for a moment, “I took life for granted. I guess that’s why I was so mad when Hayden tried to kill herself.” He opened his eyes again, “She had a choice and Grace didn’t. I mean, I still understand it and I’m not mad anymore.”

“So would you say that Grace’s death taught you how to live?” the doctor asked.

“Not until recently,” he said. “I used to be okay with hating Hayden forever. But if she were to die without me considering anything, I would have never recovered.”

Dr. Roberts smiled, “I like where this is going John.”

“I still don’t know how to love Hayden,” he said despondently.

“But you know how not to hate her,” she said.

“Isn’t loving someone because you don’t hate them the same as being happy that you’re not unhappy?” he countered.

“No,” she said, “Unless you’re telling me that you love Hayden.”

“So what if I do?”

“Then I guess you don’t hate her,” she smiled.

John shook his head with a laugh, “I don’t hate her.”

She straightened in her seat and put her pad of paper out of reach, “Then I think it’s time for a new approach.”

++

Hayden took in a deep breath as she stared at the last names printed on the glass door in front of her. She was familiar with the medium sized building, but she was so nervous.

She walked in to the law firm and was instantly met with the fiery red hair of the receptionist. Her face was shocked before she covered her mouth with her hand. It looked like tears were forming in her eyes.

“Hayden,” she whispered, moving to hug her.

“Hi Dani,” she said, “I missed you.”

“John said he was getting a new assistant but they didn’t tell me it was you! Oh, baby you look wonderful,” the old woman said.

“Just think of me as another employee,” Hayden shrugged as she put her bag down, “You need coffee?”

“Why don’t you go ask John if he needs anything?” she suggested, pointing to his office like Hayden didn’t know.

She walked down the hall to his door, passing her father’s on the way. She wondered if he was there, but didn’t dare to go in.

Hayden knocked on the door before entering, smiling at the man behind the desk.

“Assistant reporting for duty,” she said.

He grinned, “Have you seen that old man across the hall yet?”

“Does he know I’m here?” she asked.

John shrugged and then spoke, “Go see if Eric’s dad needs anything, I’m good right now.”

She did as she said and walked shakily down the hall. Hayden was completely lost to how her dad would react when he saw her. Their last interaction had been minimal and before that he told her that she had to find another place to live.

Of course she wouldn’t have to wait long; she was bound to run into him soon. As she walked by his door she stopped. Who was this new person she had become? If she cowered around trying to avoid this man had she really made any progress?

So she knocked on his door, her heart beating faster as he mumbled for her to come in. His head was down and his glasses were on the bridge of his nose as he read over paperwork. The sleeves of his button down shirt were pushed up to his elbows and he looked exhausted at nine in the morning.

Finally he looked up at her, the exasperated look turning into one she couldn’t read.

“Hi, dad,” she said simply, her voice not shaking.

He stayed silent, just staring at her. She swayed from the ball of her foot to the heel before speaking again, “I just wanted to tell you I am John’s new assistant. But if you need anything let me know.”

She turned to walk away but he spoke abruptly, “No.” Hayden looked at him as he stood, “I mean, no, don’t go.”

As he stepped closer she noticed his wrinkled face and tired blue eyes. His shoulders were broad and tight, leaving him with a permanent look of discomfort. He looked worse than she had ever seen him.

His eyes were slowly filling with tears and she didn’t notice hers had too until they spilled over. Finally he embraced her, basically pinning her arms against her side. He buried his face in her neck and cried.

She was crying too but she was obviously comforting him as he sobbed. He pulled away after some time but kept his hands on her shoulders, moving the hair out of her eyes. “I am so sorry.”

His whisper gave her goose bumps. “For what?” she asked.

“For everything,” he said.

“Let’s sit?” she suggested.

He nodded his head and they sat down on the couch that had once been in their living room. They sat a good distance apart and it was obvious he was dying to keep her close, just to insure she couldn’t leave again.

But she didn’t know what to say. She had planned to at least come up with a few talking points in her mind before this meeting. She had run over it millions of times but never expected it to be so emotional. After all this time she still expected the man who kicked her out.

“Do you hate us, Hayden? Your mom and I?” he asked quietly.

“I don’t hate you. I don’t understand you…. But I don’t hate you,” she said.

He nodded his head like he understood, “I didn’t know that things were so bad for you. I always thought that if you needed us you would come home, so when you did it yourself for so long… I thought you were okay. We would have helped.”

“I needed you, Dad. Not mom, just you. I needed you to stand up to her and you didn’t,” she said, “Caleb is not your only child.”

“I regret every single day that I didn’t try to call you or see you, ever since you were a kid. Your mom… she just didn’t understand the blessing you were,” he said, “You are my daughter, Hayden. When you were a baby I couldn’t keep away from you.”

“Why did it change?” she asked.

“Because the day Caleb was born I realized that you couldn’t be my favorite, and I tried to over-compensate and then I got lost in him just like I did with you. And it’s my fault, I know. The day I found out you jumped… it was the worst day of my life.”

“Why?” she asked.

“You and Caleb… you’re the loves of my life. These past years, I knew we lost you but I just expected that some day it would return to normal. But if we lost you forever, I would never live with myself,” he choked out.

“I don’t want to live like that anymore, Dad. I want you to be in my life,” Hayden said.

“You don’t have a choice, baby,” he squeezed her knee.

“What about mom?” she asked.

He sighed, “You need to go see her. You must.”

“I think I can help with that.”

The two turned to the woman in the doorway with tears in her eyes at the sight.

“Hello Camille,” he said.

“Peter,” she breathed, “Hayden.” She walked towards them and softly caressed Hayden’s cheek, “Come to dinner at my house tonight. All of you… everyone.”

Hayden looked at her dad, “Do you think you can get mom to come?”

He nodded his head, “If I can’t, Caleb can.”

Camille smiled and moved to the door so they wouldn’t see her cry. But before she left she repeated her pleading that she gave when Hayden was in the hospital. “And Hayden, bring my son. Bring him home.”

++

John hadn’t been back to his house in years. He had seen his parents at the dinner a few days ago and had talked to his mom on the phone every day since. It was getting easier, and it was hard for him to imagine cutting them out for so long.

He walked into his childhood home, smiling at the familiar smell and look. Of course, his mom had remodeled almost everything. It was probably her way to cope.

“Hi, baby,” Camille greeted, hugging him.

He kissed her cheek, “Need help with dinner?”

“No, no,” she shook her head, “Everyone should be here soon. Dad is on his way home from work.”

“The house looks great, Ma,” he told her.

She hugged him again, “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me, too. I’ll go wash up,” John said.

He walked down the hall to the bathroom, but when he passed by her bedroom door he stopped. The posters of celebrities from magazines that used to decorate the outside of the door were gone.

He opened it slowly, half expecting the room to be completely empty.

Instead there was the same bed with the same purple comforter. The same desk with the same pink lamp. No more posters, but still a bulletin board with pictures of her friends and family.

In the corner there was a box filled with just stuffed animals. He opened it and took out one that he had given her for her seventh birthday. He sat down on the bed and tossed it in his hands, smiling lightly.

“John!” she screamed.

He bolted into her room like he was ready to jump into any kind of action required. “What is it?” he asked, out of breath.

“I can’t sleep,” she frowned, moving over in her bed.

He sighed, “Aren’t you getting too old for this?”

She smiled a little, “I’m only five. Will you sing to me?”

He nodded his head as he sat on the edge of her bed, “Only if you sing with me.”

She nodded her head and lay on her side to face him as he began the classic tune.

”Unforgettable… that’s what you are.”

She sang now, “Unforgettable, tho’ near or far.”

“Like a song of love that clings to me,” he cooed. “Never before has someone been more…”

“Unforgettable,” Grace sang beautifully, making John smile at the voice they had both inherited from their mom, “In every way.”

“And forever more,” he sang as she echoed him, “That’s how you’ll stay.”

He moved to lay parallel to her as they sang in unison, “That’s why darling, it’s incredible, that someone so unforgettable… thinks that I am unforgettable too.”

John kissed her nose, “All better?”

“You’re a good big brother, Johnny,” she said.

“Shh, you’ll ruin my reputation if you talk like that. But I love you, Gracie,” he kissed her forehead.

And she had already drifted off to sleep, leaving John smiling at his younger sister lovingly.

He felt the other side of the bed sink down and turned to see Hayden, giving her a small smile. Eric stood in the doorway.

Hayden and John still hadn’t spoken about her declaration yesterday. And right now all of the awkwardness vanished, because John just needed his friends.

Halvo moved to sit down next to John, resting his hand on his shoulder and patting it slowly. John reached for Hayden’s hand and squeezed it, and for the first time in years they were all connected under one commonality.

Because right now, Grace’s death wasn’t correlated with Hayden’s attempt or John’s hatred, it was only a sad reminder of a life cut too short. Soon Leah and Caleb joined them in the small room.

It was still silent as Caleb reached for Leah’s hand and she rested her head on his shoulder. No one needed to say a word, because each one was saying their own prayer and thanking God for the years they had been blessed with.

Once Camille called for everyone to come to the table they all came out of their trances and walked together down the hall, all of them friends and family, thankful for what they had.

Hayden walked out into the living room and stopped when she saw her mother, beautiful and put together, nursing a glass of wine as she chatted with Mrs. Halvorsen.

Caleb grabbed her hand, “You ready?”

“Yeah,” she let out the breath she was holding.

“Ma,” Caleb said, bringing her attention to her kids.

Her smile faded, “Well, hello.”

“Hi, mom,” she said.

Soon their dad joined them, as if he knew they needed some moderation. And that’s when Kara figured it all out. She finished the wine left in her glass.

“So this was your plan, huh? Get me in a place where you thought I wouldn’t freak out?” she whispered.

“Kara, Hayden has gone to great lengths to insure she made it through. What kind of parents would we be if we didn’t respect that?” Peter shushed.

She raised her voice now, “I told you that I never thought of her as my daughter!”

Everyone was looking now.

Caleb grabbed his mom’s wrist, making her look at him, “Mother, Hayden is your daughter if you like it or not and she is my sister. I love her and she is going to be a part of my life. If you’re not okay with that than you can leave.”

She scoffed at him, “All your life I tried to protect you from her because I am a good mother to you, son. She is a loser. She is the worst thing we ever did.”

“Do not bring me into this, Kara,” Peter said, “I refuse to let you say those things about my daughter.”

Kara rolled her eyes and looked at Hayden who had been standing with her head bowed. “And what about you? You think you’re going to be able to push your way back in?”

“I just wanted a chance, Ma. To show you I’ve changed and maybe see if you can love me again,” she said sheepishly.

“I never loved you. You ruined my life, my marriage… everything. I always knew you were capable of such damage,” she slurred.

Tears spread in Hayden’s eyes but before she could respond she felt an arm resting on her shoulder.

“Kara, how can you look at this beautiful girl and even try to deny her the love she is asking? You are a head case and you are not welcome in my home ever again,” Camille said. Everyone seemed to have gathered behind her. Camille was holding her arm, keeping her steady. Halvo had his hand on her back, comforting her.

Everyone else was behind her, physically but mostly figuratively.

“Sounds great,” she spat, “Let’s go Peter, Caleb.”

“I’m staying,” Caleb said.

She rolled her eyes, “Fine. Peter?”

He stood literally in the middle of Hayden and her mom, looking back and forth between. Hayden cried now, “Just go, Peter. I know your loyalties.”

He winced at the use of his first name coming from his daughter’s mouth before staring into the ugly brown eyes of the woman he didn’t know. He sighed and walked towards her. Hayden buried her head in Eric’s shoulder and cried.

But then she heard words she didn’t expect from her father to her mother, “Here’s money for a cab. I’ll sleep at the office tonight.”

She scoffed before walking furiously out the door. Once she slammed it behind her Peter gathered Hayden in his arms, “I’m so sorry, baby.”

He set her down and she kissed his cheek, “Thank you.”

And as she looked around at all the people that loved her she realized they were all she needed. Her mother would never be more than just a title, and she didn’t need her. She had people who loved her.

“Let’s eat, shall we,” Mrs. Halvorsen suggested.

Hayden smiled as everyone walked past her, giving her encouraging smiles and hugs. But she was really only waiting for one person.

John walked towards her with his hands stuffed in his pockets, fiddling with the ring still in his right. She brushed her hair behind her ears and smiled lightly. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed her forehead.

“What was that for?”

He shrugged, “Because I’m proud of you.”

“I guess there’s not always a happy ending,” Hayden said in defeat, obviously not only talking about her mom.

He gave her a strange look before pulling her close again. He became increasingly aware of the new approach Dr. Roberts suggested, the symbolic ring in his pocket, and the tattoo on his wrist. But mostly he remembered his little sister, and the happy ending she never got.

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that, Reynolds.”