The Sun Also Sets

Hayden Reynolds stood at the top of the cliff. It was unseasonably cold because of the wind and the sky was dark with a taunting storm.

She peeked over the edge, watching the water crash onto the rocks and into the sand making it soft-- that was what saved her. There was now caution tape stretching across the entire cliff, tied at either end around trees, like it would stop anyone at all. But right where she stood, it was broken.

A girl about nineteen jumped two weeks ago. She wasn’t lucky—not that she would even think of it like that. They said her body was so mangled by the rocks and waves that she wasn’t recovered for a few days.

Only nineteen and so unaware of the life she could have had. She had friends that mourned, family that wondered what they could have done differently. But was any of it worth it? Nothing means as much in death.

If they wanted to save her, they should have helped her before.

And maybe they tried. Maybe she had a friend like Eric that did everything he could and it still wasn’t enough. But maybe she had a John. The stressor in her life that brought her to this cliff. They said she wasn’t bullied or an outcast, she just couldn’t find the strength to live.

Hayden wished she could speak to this girl, her name Haley. She learned it from Caleb, who knew her as a senior when he was a freshman. Hayden stayed away from the local news ever since her face was the main feature a few months ago.

But she tuned in when Haley Mahoney was the top story. Once again Hayden was brought up, because she was the only one in twenty years to live from that fall… or jump.

“What are you doing up here?”

“You really shouldn’t sneak up on someone up here,” she said, not looking at him.

Eric joined her, sitting down and letting his feet swing over the cliff, “It’s a nice view when you don’t look down.”

She joined him on the ground, “That’s probably why it’s such a popular place.”

“That’s not funny,” he shook his head.

“I wasn’t trying to be,” Hayden shrugged, “It’s eerie up here.”

“So many lost thoughts… cries for help that were never heard. This Haley girl… it’s so sad,” he said.

She stood up and brushed the sand off her butt before holding out her hand, “Want to go on a field trip?”

He nodded his head and followed her back down the trail that the county had tried to make disappear in recent years. They walked a few yards around to the bottom of the cliff—the place where the lonely hearts landed.

“I don’t like this,” Halvo said.

“There’s nothing to be scared of, Eric,” she said as she left the still boy and began walking over the rocks.

They stayed silent for a while before Hayden looked at Eric. He looked sick as he stared out at the water. It was still in the distance but the water crashing against the rocks made it hard to hear.

“Halvo!” she shouted because they were far away. He looked up at her and squinted his eyes, “Have I told you lately that I’m sorry?”

He shoved his hands in his pockets and walked towards her, “I could stand to hear it again.”

She wrapped her arms around his neck and spoke into his ear, “I’m really glad I didn’t die.”

He laughed stoically, “Yeah, me too.”

She pulled away and put one hand on his cheek, “Thanks for being perfect.”

“No problem,” he took her hand, “Now can we please get the hell out of here?”

*
Hayden walked into the house. Eric stopped at the store to get alcohol for a party tonight but when she walked in she wished he was there.

John sat on the couch, the lights off and the shutters on the windows closed.

“This is creepy,” she said, opening the window.

He averted his eyes from the light, “I need to talk to you.”

“Okay…?” she said, sitting across from him.

“Dr. Roberts told me what I need to do.”

“And?”

“She told me about this exercise. You start in the past tense, with the things you liked about each other. Or the things you disliked. Then you move to what you loved and hated. And then finally you move to what you love now, and what you hate now… about each other.”

“And we just take turns?” she asked.

He nodded his head, “You in?”

“What is this supposed to accomplish?”

“Roberts said it will bring closure,” John said.

“Well we could all use some of that around here,” Hayden said, leaving out that she wasn’t sure it was closure she wanted.

They sat in silence, both of them waiting for the other to start. But John knew Hayden, and he knew she could hold out longer than he could.

So he shifted in his seat and leaned back, running a hand through his hair. “I liked when you would hum along to songs you didn’t even know.”

She smiled a little, “I liked when you laughed at my stupid jokes.”

“I liked that when we were kids you always double knotted your shoes because it took you so long to tie them,” he said.

She shook her head and laughed, “I liked when you would give me half of your peanut butter and banana sandwiches in third grade.”

“I liked your laugh.”

“I liked your hair.”

“I liked how well you got along with Eric. I didn’t like that you dated him,” he said sternly.

She took his lead, “I didn’t like that you used to show off girls in front of me.”

“I didn’t like that you never let me drive anywhere,” he said.

“I didn’t like you when you were drunk.”

He shifted in his seat again, “I liked when you didn’t care what people thought.”

“I liked when you sang me to sleep.”

“I liked that you watched baseball with me,” John said.

“I liked that you always wanted to see my drawings and paintings,” Hayden said.

It took him a few seconds before he spoke again. “I loved when you would close your eyes when I was playing you a new song, like you were really trying to feel what I was feeling. And I loved that you always did feel what I was.”

“I loved when you thought I was asleep and you would wrap your arm around my waist and draw circles on my hip bone.”

“I loved that you never wrote in pencil because you said it kept you from making mistakes,” he smiled a little.

“I loved the smile you would give me when I would screw something up,” she said.

“I hated your hair in fourth grade.”

“I hated that you made me feel guilty for mourning Grace.”

“I hate your independence,” John switched to present time.

“I hate that you stopped hugging your mom for four years,” Hayden said.

“I hate the things you said.”

“I hate that you listened to me.”

“I hate your cowboy boots,” she said, her face straight.

He laughed, “I hate that shirt you’re wearing.”

“I hate the four years we spent apart.”

John rested his chin on his hand. His eyes began to water, “I hate that you jumped.”

“I hate that I did too.”

“I love how strong you are now.”

“I hate that you didn’t come see me in the hospital,” she continued.

“I love that you didn’t give up,” John said.

“I hate that you expected I would,” she countered.

“I love your smile, too,” he said.

“I really hate you when you’re drunk,” Hayden said, knowing the repetition would cut him deep.

“I hate that you haven’t told me anything you love about me.”

She hesitated, “I love that you came back to me.”

John took in a gulp of air and his Adam’s apple bobbed dramatically, “Is this where I’m supposed to tell you I love you?”

“You tell me,” Hayden said shakily.

He didn’t respond and Hayden began crying. Not sobbing, just realizing that no matter the things they have said maybe it wasn’t possible. She stood up and wiped her eyes, “I’ll see you later.”

He watched her walk out of the house, maybe out of his life, and never out of his thoughts.

He whispered to the now empty chair, “I hate that I don’t know how to tell you.”

++

Hayden giggled as Garrett hoisted her over his shoulder, “No! It’s so cold!”

He didn’t stop as he ran full speed toward the pool, jumping in and finally letting her go as they hit the water. She surfaced easily, letting her hand sweep through her drenched hair.

“I hate you,” she laughed.

“Love you too, boo,” he smiled.

“Halvo, will you get me a towel?” Hayden smiled.

“No but I’ll hold you until you’re warm,” he winked.

“Here,” Kennedy laughed, holding out a towel.

Hayden climbed out of the pool and took the towel, thanking him. They were all at Jared’s house for a small get together. Eric would be leaving for Massachusetts soon for band practice before they embarked on a headlining tour.

And The Maine was leaving soon after that to Texas to record an album.

So Hayden wasn’t surprised one bit as they all kept stealing glances at her the entire time. But she just enjoyed her time; every once in a while pinching herself and being reminded she was in fact, still there.

John strolled in about two hours late like he always did. Everyone greeted him but he was very obviously out of it. Hayden waited for him to approach her, or smile at her to at least let her know they were okay.

But as the afternoon turned into night and the cold night chill swept them inside she unconsciously accepted that maybe they weren’t okay. Maybe they never would be.

And that thought gave her peace.

It hurt that there was a looming potential that this might be as strong as their relationship will ever be: two people sitting across the room, making occasional eye contact, laughing at the same jokes.

She looked around at all these people that loved her as much as she loved them. They were laughing and adorning near constant smiles and that’s when she realized she owed it to them to live the life she was so graciously granted.

Hayden Reynolds was strong, and for her first time in years she was able to say it. She was strong as an individual, a woman, and a survivor. She didn’t need John or Eric, though either or both would be nice.

Before she could consider what to say she was brought to her feet, raising her drink in the air, “I’d like to say something.”

Everyone quieted down and fixed their eyes on the girl that wasn’t nervous at all.

“I’m sorry that it took me so long to get here. I was unaware of what I was missing. All of you are the best friends I could ask for. Even if you don’t think so you have all helped me get here. I hope you won’t think I’m too mushy, but I just need to say thank you to two people and if I do it in front of the group maybe I won’t cry,” she laughed and everyone joined her.

“Eric,” she looked at him, “I know we already had our moment earlier and we have had this talk before but I have one more thing to say. And I want you to listen well. It takes a certain kind of person to always stand by someone in the mood I was in. I was so awful to you and I’m amazed you stayed. ‘Best friends’ was a loose term before March, but now I really know the meaning.”

She was choking up anyways, “I love you, and I owe you my life. I know I shouldn’t say this, but you made me strong. Without you, there is no way I could have done this. And I know I had to make the decision and I am responsible, but I am eternally grateful.”

He was close enough to reach for her hand and give it an encouraging squeeze. He blew her a kiss.

“And… John.” Her new direction surprised everyone as they glanced back and forth between the two.

“It’s been hard… forming any kind of spiel that would adequately describe how I feel about you. And it changes so much I’m not sure this will come out right. Just know that you proved it’s possible for people to change. And even though the situation hasn’t and some damage is irreparable, I know that we are not the same as just a few months ago.

“You are first love, my first heart break, and hopefully the only person who is able to cut me to the core like you can. Um…” she began to stutter, “I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ll always love you. And if you don’t then that’s okay too.”

John nodded his head solemnly and Hayden began to wonder why she said any of this out loud. Maybe it was because she knew he wouldn’t respond, and that’s what she wanted. She didn’t want to hear the first words out of his mouth—partly because they would hurt, but mostly because she wouldn’t believe them.

She would only believe them once he had actually taken the time to think about what her words meant to him.

Soon everyone began telling stories and talking again about nonsense things. It was getting late and people began leaving just as Hayden noticed John saying goodbye. He hugged everyone except her, and she pretended not to care. He walked to the door, turning back before he opened it.

He waited until he caught her eye, even though it was just for a second. Then he vanished.

She waited for about ten minutes before she said goodbye to everyone. She told Eric she had to make one stop and then she would see him at home.

Hayden drove to where she knew he would be. She wasn’t nervous or anxious, and not even surprised that she wasn’t.

Whether he loved her back or not wasn’t the question. It was if he had the strength to be with her again after all he did. It was a big jump, but if only he accepted that they could do it together things would be different.

The moon was full and provided enough light to guide her up the trail that she probably could have navigated in pitch darkness. She reached the top and sure enough he stood, his body facing the water and hair blowing in the wind.

She didn’t even have to make her presence known before he spoke.

“Did you mean what you said that it would be okay if we didn’t love each other?”

“I would like it better if you did…” she began, “But yeah, it would be okay.”

He faced her, “How’s that?”

She shrugged, walking to the part of the rock that dropped off, her feet over the edge, “I can live without you.”

“Can you?” he asked, peering over the edge and then glancing at her.

She rolled her eyes, slightly offended at what he was suggesting, “There’s a difference between not wanting to live without someone… and not wanting to live.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” John said apologetically.

She continued, “But just because I can live without you doesn’t mean I want to.”

He nodded his head once before reluctantly moving his eyes back to the water, “I can’t believe you jumped.”

“Believe it,” she said, walking away from the edge.

“I also can’t believe that you’re okay now,” he said, facing her.

“I can’t either. In fact I’m not really sure I do believe it. I just kind of have faith that I’ll keep getting better. Maybe I’ll never be great, but I can be better,” she said.

He kicked his feet against the dirt, bringing some of it swirling around them in the breeze, “That’s what our whole relationship has been based on isn’t it? Faith.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… we were just stupid kids when we fell in love. And we both knew it might not work… but we had faith, you know? And then you jumped because you had no faith, and I had no faith that you could be the same. And now we both have faith that we can be… better,” he said.

“I believe that I can,” she said, “And that you can. And that we can. But I’m starting to think you don’t.”

He stayed silent for a while before walking towards her. He held out his hands and she took them. “I love that you believe in me.”

“I hate that you’re so stubborn.”

“I love that you are alive,” he said.

“I hate that I still want you to love me,” she said, tears choking her.

He moved his hands to her face, gently wiping a single tear, “I love that you do.”

“Stop this, John,” she said shakily, moving his hands, “I can’t take it.”

“Hayden it’s been so hard for me,” he paced in front of her, “I hated you for so long I forgot how to love you.”

“That’s not something you forget,” she protested.

He laughed a little, “You’re telling me.”

She sighed in frustration and grabbed his wrist, forcing him to look at her. “I’m sick of it, John. Just tell me, right now. Do you want to give us a chance? I know you’ve already made your decision so just say it.”

And before she had the chance to realize that his lack of response could possibly mean he was only trying to spare her feelings, he kissed her. It was so soft and the way their bodies fell together left her wanting so much more.

He pulled away but stayed close, “I love you, Hayden… I love you more than I could ever pretend to hate you because you are my only one. I’m sorry that I’m not better yet but I hope that you’ll wait with me. Help me, please,” he begged. “I want this to be a happy ending.”

She smiled, nodding her head before she embraced him tightly. He spoke again, “I have faith in us, Hayden. I’m ready to jump.”

Hayden kissed him one more time before grabbing his hand and walking him to the edge while still standing far enough way since they had no reason to mingle with death again. She slipped under his arm and he kissed her head. They looked out at the water and sand that gave them a second chance to live the life Grace couldn't.

And to herself she thought, proud and content—but mostly just strong.

This time, she wouldn’t be jumping alone.