The Sun Also Sets

“So why do you feel like you need to kill yourself?”

“Because my life is worthless. I tried to work things out and it didn’t work. I’m at my last resort.”

“You want to hear a story?” Hayden asked. She didn’t wait for the teenager’s answer. “One year ago on this exact day I felt just like you did.”

“So what did you do about it?” the boy, Cameron, asked.

“I jumped.”

“You’re the one that lived…” he spoke like it was a true revelation as he put it together.

“Cameron, there is always someone who cares. You kill yourself, and your parents will cry. They’ll wonder what they did wrong. Your friends will feel guilty, like there was something they could do. You will make other people feel the way you do right now. Do you want that?” she asked.

“No,” he replied hesitantly.

“Just… hold on for me. Please. This is only the first session. I can help you,” she said earnestly.

“I want to be helped,” he let a tear slip. Hayden squeezed his shoulder encouragingly. “Thanks, Hayden.”

“No problem. I’ll see you next week,” she said, leading him out. “Cameron, when you think the world has written you off… just know that you’re wrong.”

He nodded his head and gave a weak smile before walking off. Hayden sat back in the chair she was provided. Before she could even think about how much this date meant to her, or for her, her phone was ringing.

“Hello?”

“Can you come home?” John asked, “I need you.”

“Sure,” she said, “Everything okay?”

“I’ll see you in a bit,” he said shortly before hanging up. She walked out of the office, waving goodbye to the other workers. She had been participating in a voluntary counseling program for suicidal teens for the past few months. Usually the kids were sent by their school counselors or therapists and didn’t want to come.

But she had had enormous luck. She became friends with the kids, she was their confidant. And conversely, it helped her cope.

Hayden drove to her home quickly. She entered and sighed when she saw that none of the boxes that had been sitting around for days had been unpacked.

“John?” she called into their new home.

“In the living room,” he answered.

She joined him in the room. His hair was a mess from his stressful fingers running through it. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know where to put it,” he said flatly. Hayden looked to where he was pacing and saw a drawing she had recently done of Grace. “I mean, I’m trying to find the perfect place but every time I look at it I just… I lose my train of thought.”

Hayden sighed, walking behind him and wrapping her arms around his torso. She stood on her tip toes and spoke in his ear, “Calm down, baby.”

John exhaled slowly and closed his eyes, moving his hands to hold hers. “I hate this day.”

“Me, too,” she whispered.

He turned around and kissed her forehead before pulling her into a hug, “Thanks for being here.”

“Right back at you.”

And that’s how it had been. For nine months John and Hayden grew stronger together. Some days were setbacks, the days that one of them was reminded of the horrors of the past they were trying to forgive themselves for.

John usually had them more often. It made sense, of course. But after a while he stopped pushing Hayden away. He was getting better at talking about it, and it was obvious in the simple way he could use Grace’s name in regular conversation or recall fond memories of her. They were getting better, finally together.

But today would make it five years since both of their lives changed. And one year since Hayden thought that life wasn’t worth anything.

Hayden reached down and took the large picture, thinking for a moment before pointing above the fire place, “That looks good, right?”

He smiled gratefully, “Yeah, it does.”

She pinned it up and she and John stepped back. She snuck under his arm and they looked up at it.

“God, she was beautiful,” John commented.

“A heartbreaker for sure,” she said.

There were boxes around them and no other decorations in the freshly painted house. “I can’t believe you’re going to leave for tour while I have to move all of our stuff in.”

He smiled, “Perfect planning, right?”

She rolled her eyes and wrapped her arms around his waist, “Did you want to go to that party at Halvo’s tonight?”

He shook his head, hugging her. He rested his chin atop her head, “No. I would really just like to stay with you.”

Hayden and John walked to their bedroom that only had a mattress on the floor with a sheet on it. They lay on the bed apart from each other, staring up at the ceiling.

“I miss her so much,” he said simply.

“I know, baby,” she soothed.

He let a few tears fall and they stayed silent for longer. Finally, they were mourning.

“What do we do now?” she asked, still looking at the ceiling. She was unsure if she should get closer to him, hold his hand. She always worried it would make things worse, thought it hadn’t in several months.

He turned his head to look at her but didn’t make much other movement, “Do you want to marry me?”

She turned her head too, laughing a little and then regretting it, “What?”

He propped himself up on his arm, “I’m serious, Hayden. Let’s get engaged.”

“This is not a very traditional proposal,” she sat up.

“Is anything about us traditional?” he smiled weakly.

“Have you been thinking about this or are you just making it up as you go?” Hayden asked.

He sat up excitedly, taking her hands, “I want to marry you. I want to have kids and I want to name our daughter Grace. I want you to get your degree and become a therapist while I keep touring. I want to have a house with a pool in the backyard. I want to be with you.”

“John…” she attempted to slow him down but he kept going.

“You know that if we would have stayed together we would have been married by now anyways. Let’s start this life.”

Her heart was beating so fast and she felt light headed. One thought kept running through her mind and she wished that she could be happy like she should.

But instead she was only terrified. Terrified that she would say yes and down the road he would have such a large setback that this would all be a mistake.

“Are you sure about this, John? Do you think you’re strong enough?” she asked bluntly.

He sighed sadly. “I know that you had to train yourself to stop trusting the words I said, but right now it’s different. I am different, and so are you,” he paused, “I don’t know how to say it because it sounds cliché… but I need you.”

“I need you, too,” she said, tears in her eyes.

“Say that you’ll marry me,” he whispered.

She inhaled slowly, smiling through some tears, “Yes. Yes, I will marry you.”

He kissed her sweetly. They lay back together and again their thoughts drifted to Grace.

But as John slowly traced his fingertips over the tattoo on her wrist she got goose bumps. Their promise of forever would always be true, and maybe—just maybe—they could finally make Grace proud.

And they would keep their promise to each other, for each other—through the memory of her.