The Sun Also Sets

“Wake the hell up, Hayden.”

She pretended to be asleep still. His voice was just so harsh, as was the light. She hadn’t spoken to anyone since she arrived here. Her left wrist and right ankle were broken, among dozens of other sprains and fractures, and her face was so mangled; she could tell by just the way it hurt.

“I know that you’re awake,” he said before she felt the air on her face as he huffed down on the chair beside her bed.

Hayden opened her eyes slowly, staring at the ceiling and refusing to look at him. “I got your note.”

She didn’t reply.

“Stop shutting me out,” Eric snapped, standing up.

She finally looked at him, “Don’t yell at me, Eric.”

Her voice was so quiet and fragile, it sent shivers up his spine. This wasn’t the girl he knew. But before he could feel sympathy, he was angry.

“I’ll yell at you all I want,” he replied, “What were you thinking?”

She let out a bitter laugh that scared Eric half to death, “What do you think?”

“I think you’re an idiot. Are you kidding me? Killing yourself, Hayden? Great idea, you sure know how to solve a problem,” he rolled his eyes.

“Go away, Eric,” she seethed.

“No! I’m the only friend you have. Do you realize that? No one is coming to visit you. You’re in the psych ward, for God’s sake,” he said, his hands on his hips.

“You think I don’t know!?” she shouted as best she could, “You’re really asking me why I tried this?”

“I should be enough!” he yelled at her.

“Having one friend that is only here three months out of the year isn’t exactly enough!”

He let out an exasperated sigh as he sat beside her again, “It’s been four years.”

“I am aware. Did you think it was just coincidence of the day I jumped?” she asked.

“I called John,” he said quietly.

She felt a pain in her stomach as she did whenever she heard his name, “Did he jump for joy? Or write a wonderful song proclaiming how he felt?”

Eric stared at his feet as he tapped his foot against the linoleum anxiously, “He didn’t say anything. Not one thing.”

“That surprises you?” she asked.

“I haven’t called him to tell him you’re alive. He thinks… he thinks you are…” Eric couldn’t even say it as tears formed in his eyes.

She looked at him, for the first time feeling guilty. She held out her hand to him, and he looked at it, taking it after a pause.

Hayden ran her thumb over the top of his shaking hand, “I’m sorry.”

He looked at her, “When I found out… I-I lost it, Hay. I didn’t know what I would do without you.”

“I can’t take it anymore, Eric. I know people are over it, but I’m not. I don’t deserve to live,” she said. She knew it was cliché to say things like this. It wasn’t her fault, she couldn’t have prevented it. She had heard all these things for the last four years, and they never meant anything.

“You have me though, Hayden. I never gave up on you, and I loved her as much as anyone else,” Eric said, “It’s not your fault that no one else knows how to forgive.”

“Then why do I feel this way?” she asked.

“You know I can’t answer that,” he said sadly.

A tear slipped down her cheek, “I wish you could.”

“Every day, baby,” he said, kissing the top of her hand. “Hayden?”

“Yeah?” she questioned.

“You don’t deserve what’s happened to you. But you deserve this,” he said, moving his hand to lightly trace over the bandages on her face. “You did this to yourself.”

She nodded her head, but her heart was screaming that he was wrong. She didn’t do this to herself. It was his appearance the night before, his actions, and his words. Eric had no idea; he couldn’t know. It would break his heart before he even admitted it, before he masked it with anger.

“I checked you into a rehab clinic downtown.”

She snapped her head towards him, immediately feeling the soreness, “Why?”

“Because you need help,” he replied.

“How will they help me?” she scoffed.

“You’re an adult, Hay. I can’t make you do anything, but I can beg you,” he said.

“Don’t bother, Eric,” she said, making it seem like it wouldn’t affect her, but only saying it so that he wouldn’t do it.

But he did anyways, “You’re my best friend, Hayden. I love you with every inch of my heart, and I want you to do this. I’ll cancel tour, I’ll quit the band if I need to stay here, but please, please do this for me.”

She looked at his tear filled eyes and shook her head. He always had her in the palm of her hand, and he knew it all too well. “I’ll give it a shot.”

He smiled softly, “So do I need to quit the band?”

She saw the look on his face as he slightly pouted and she couldn’t help but smile the best she could, “I guess I can’t let Justin down.”

“Hey, there’s another person that would have missed you. Nick too!” Eric said encouragingly.

She smiled and clutched his hand tightly, whispering, “Never enough.”

He took in a breath and brought her hand to his face, kissing it softly, “I’ll fix this.”

“You can’t always make things better, Eric. We’re not seven years old anymore.”

“No, we’re twenty two. And you’re acting like you are in high school,” he said, “I thought things were getting better.”

“I’ve gotten really good at lying,” Hayden said.

“You’ve always been good,” he laughed, “Don’t forget about your fake boyfriend from California in seventh grade.”

She rolled her eyes and let out a laugh, “Shut up.”

“So, about John…” he said slowly.

Hayden closed her eyes, “I’m really tired.”

Eric sighed, “Don’t run away.”

“What is there to say, Halvo? He didn’t respond, right? You act like it’s unexpected,” she said.

“You know I talked to the people at the center. They said most people try to kill themselves not only because they hate their lives, but because they wanted to make a statement. Who were you trying to make a statement to?” he asked.

“Go away, Eric,” she said firmly.

He sighed, “I already know. I just wanted to hear you say his name,” he said. Eric leaned forward and kissed her forehead, “Go to sleep, sweets. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

Hayden nodded her head and watched her best friend since age three walk out the door. She closed her eyes but didn’t sleep. She felt like she had been sleeping for days, which was mostly true.

She suddenly thought of how her hospital bills would be paid for. Her mom and dad would definitely not, and she had no funds saved up. She didn’t even want to think about having to borrow money from Eric.

Her mind was stuck on her parents, her old friends. Had they heard? Of course they had. She was sure she was all over the news, and when she turned on the television she was proven correct.

… young girl found at the base of the infamous Suicide Cliffs is said to be in serious but stable condition. Family members claim to have had little contact with her for years. If you remember four years back, Hayden Reynolds was-”

She turned it off, not wanting to hear anymore from these people that claimed to know her life. She closed her eyes, feeling disgusting inside her own skin. She couldn’t even take her own life without failing.

Hayden wanted to throw up every time she closed her eyes because it was on a replay of three faces, two of which she couldn’t stand to look at before her stomach pulled into a tight knot.

So she focused on Eric Halvorsen, the one boy that had never let her down. He was honest with her and he was sweet to her, the perfect best friend anyone could ask for.

Once, when they were five, she proposed to him. He threw dirt on her brand new dress and ran away. Since that day she knew it would never work.

But she wished it would. She wished he loved her, and most importantly Hayden wished that she loved him. Everything would be so much easier.

But she didn’t. She thought she had at some point, but she realized now she had only loved one boy in her life.

The same boy that she couldn’t even look at without wishing she hadn’t failed.

“Hayden Reynolds?”

She turned to the high voice at the door, finding a girl just a few years younger than her, wearing a dress that fit her tightly, and her hair curled perfectly.

“Yeah?” she responded.

“My name is Kelsey Brock; I’m volunteering with the rehab and recovery program at Mountain View. Eric called us and asked me to come talk to you,” she smiled.

“Of course he did,” Hayden replied.

The girl walked to Hayden’s bedside, “You went to Coronado, right? I think I was a freshman when you were a senior.”

Hayden nodded her head, not really wanting to make small talk in her current state with a girl much too smiley for the psych ward.

“Um, you might know my brother, Kennedy? He is in a band with John O’Callaghan and Garrett-”

“I don’t know him,” Hayden said, interrupting her. She knew Jared, Garrett, and Pat. She had heard of the guitarist joining them, but had never been introduced.

“Oh, well never mind. Anyways, I hear you’ll be transferring with us soon,” she said.

“I’ve heard that too,” Hayden replied shortly.

“You know I think you’ll like it there,” she said.

“You’re a just a volunteer, right? That’s pretty screwed up of them to send you,” she remarked cynically.

Kelsey shrugged, “I used to know some people there. I’m practically an employee.”

Hayden didn’t respond. It was awkward and the reason Kelsey was here was for a conversation she didn’t want to have.

“I just want you to know that when you get to the center, I’ll be your friend. I know you probably don’t care, but I do, and when you realize that, I’ll still be there,” she said confidently.

“I have all the friends I need.”

“You have one friend, Hayden, and he’s only home three months of the year,” Kelsey retorted.

“How do you know so much about me?” she asked.

She shrugged, “I’m close with the people that you used to be friends with.”

“Right,” Hayden said.

“Well, I’ve got to be going. I’ll see you in a few days,” she smiled warmly before leaving.

Hayden groaned, itching her arm where the IV was connected. The pain medication pumping through her veins made her feel sick. Going to a recovery program was useless. She had been dealing with this for four long years. She majored in psychology in college for God’s sake.

She was depressed, simple as that. No psychiatric treatment would help. She wasn’t in denial, she never really had been. She knew when things got so screwed up and why, she even sought help on her own. No one knew she had been seeing a therapist steadily over the past four years.

Dr. Parks did help her. He helped her realize that she shouldn’t blame herself, and that she should move on and make new friends. He taught her these things, but she didn’t, not for one second, believe him.

And now she sat here, alone in an uncomfortable hospital bed within the psych ward. The creatures that crept around gave her strange looks through her open room door. They scared her. She didn’t belong here, she knew that much.

But Hayden couldn’t even lie to herself. She did belong here. She was nowhere near the magnitude of insane most of the people here were, but yeah, she belonged.

She had been through the five stages of grief before, obviously never reaching the last or else she wouldn’t be here.

So here Hayden lay, amid denial and anger, not sure she had ever left that space between.