The Sun Also Sets

Hayden had the same dream every night she was in the hospital. It started out as one of those dreams where you’re falling, but you shake awake right before you hit the ground. She had learned the reason for that was that your body was so highly energized throughout the day; your nervous system didn’t know what to do, so it sent small firings to your brain.

But Hayden couldn’t understand, because every day for the last week she lay still. She had no energy. So that sensation of falling had to be something else. She figured it was her body retaliating in the form of keeping her from sleeping, just because she put it through hell.

When she was finally able to sleep she dreamed of the day she tried to kill herself.

She had been so close. She was drifting in and out of consciousness for hours. Her body was strewn about rocks, but her back was resting upon the wet sand. Every few seconds she would feel the mist of the waves crashing against the rocks.

Her body was hidden. Sometimes, even, for the moments she was awake, she heard people’s voices walking past. She hoped they wouldn’t find her even in her dazed state. At least that way, there was still a chance she would succeed.

When she heard the screams of the young couple that had found her she realized she hadn’t made it. They told her it would be okay, that help was on the way. They were so kind to her, probably because they didn’t realize she had jumped, not fallen.

Minutes later she heard the paramedics and police surrounding her, terrified mumbles filling the air. The EMTs said not to touch her, the police asked her who did this to her. They spoke to her sweetly and carefully, that is, until someone recognized her.

The Phoenix metropolitan area wasn’t that big. Over four million people weren’t anything when you grew up with them. They knew everything about you, and so once they identified the girl at the base of the cliff, suddenly everyone understood.

They whispered that the way she hit the ground and where she hit had saved her. They had never seen anyone live after that jump, she was the first. She was twenty-two years old, and a person she went to high school with was a fresh recruit from the police academy.

As the paramedics got her to breathe again and tried to find the best way to move her she caught his eye, he shook his head and she swore she heard him scoff.

Details became more vivid in dreams.

She was thankful, though, because in the dream, she didn’t feel the pain she felt that day. It was her only way to focus on the things she didn’t notice before.

Her police friend was named Cameron. She heard them ask questions about her. How old was she? What was her motive? Did she have any family to call?

He answered all of them, with correct answers. They hadn’t spoken in four years, but somehow he still knew. They didn’t even bother to ask her. Her eyes were drooping, but still open. She was coherent enough to understand.

People treat you differently when they have learned you tried to take your own life.

While in the ambulance, Hayden’s body went into shock. She began convulsing and sweating. One of the EMTS kept his hands on the sides of her face, looking into her eyes and telling her to stay calm.

Finally they sedated her, and the EMT began speaking to her. He was probably in his mid-30s. He had a wedding ring on his finger and he was clean cut, with a smile that probably would give anyone else hope.

“What hurts?” he asked.

“Everything,” she replied, her voice raspy.

“You’re lucky to have lived,” the man said.

She only stared at him. Lucky? Failing at suicide was lucky? For who?

As the dream came to an end she would see other patients in the hospital as they rushed her to emergency surgery. A nurse would tell her that God had a plan for her; a doctor would promise that she would wake up.

And a surgeon, he would ask her if she had anyone to call.

She would say no, and as he nodded his head and put a breathing mask over her face, she would wake up.

So, eventually, she stopped trying to sleep.

“Hayden,” Eric said, bringing her back to reality, “When was the last time you got some sleep?”

“Define sleep,” Hayden responded.

He rolled his eyes, “More than an hour’s worth.”

She shrugged, “Maybe three days ago.”

“You can’t keep doing this to yourself,” he shook his head.

“It’s not exactly a choice, Halvo,” she told him.

He nodded his head, “I gave your phone number to Kennedy.”

“Why?”

“He asked,” Eric shrugged, “He’s a good guy.”

Hayden and Eric stayed silent. She closed her eyes while he flipped through a magazine.

“Woah!” he exclaimed, “Scarlett Johansen is divorced!?

She laughed, “You didn’t know?”

“I’ve been sitting here watching you scowl while I could be pursuing the girl of my dreams!?” he said.

“Ryan Reynolds was too sexy for her anyways,” Hayden said.

“How dare you,” Eric scoffed.

“I miss our movie nights,” Hayden frowned.

“Oh boy, I can’t even remember the last time all three of us had one of those,” Eric said.

“About four years ago,” Hayden said.

“There is no way in hell we are watching The Notebook, again,” John said as he sat down on the couch.

Hayden inserted the movie into the DVD player. “My house, my movie.”

“No way! You made us watch The Notebook at my house last month,” Eric protested.

“Yeah and you made me watch Rambo three weeks in a row!” she said as she sat next to John on the couch.

As the opening credits rolled, Eric stuffed his face with popcorn before throwing a few pieces at Hayden.

She laughed and threw them back, and in a matter of seconds the three were having an all out popcorn fight. When all of it was out of the bowl and on the floor the three just laughed.

“What am I going to do when you guys go on tour?” Hayden frowned.

John wrapped his arm around her and kissed her cheek, “You’ll come with us, silly.”

“One, I’m going to Arizona State in the fall. Two, I doubt your bands will always be on the same tour. I know I’m awesome but I can’t be in two places at once,” Hayden said.

“Well, first- don’t go to college. Two, looks like you’ll have to make a choice between your two favorite men,” Eric stated simply.

“I’m the boyfriend. I obviously win,” John gloated before looking at Hayden, “Right?”

“Well I’m the best friend! I’ve known her longer,” Eric said.

“You’ve known her for like, two years longer and you ignored her for those years because she had cooties!”

“I did not!” she defended.

John patted her head, “Okay, baby.”

“Hayden, make your decision,” Eric ordered.

“This isn’t fair,” she protested, “I love both of you.”

John opened his mouth to speak but Eric beat him to it, “John, do not say that you win because you’re sleeping with her. That’s irrelevant.”

John laughed, “I’m pretty sure that’s the only argument I need.”

“I was her first kiss,” Eric said, “And her first boyfriend.”

“I was her first love, that totally trumps first kiss!” John said. The two were face to face, scrambling their brains for past memories to bring to light, while Hayden sat literally right in the middle of them.

“Well, Hayden told me she loved me yesterday,” Eric said, causing John to roll his eyes.

“So?”

“And we totally banged it out right after.”

“We did?” Hayden stepped in, laughing. She looked at John, “He’s a pathological liar.”

John wrapped his arm around her, “All the more reason to pick me.”

“I don’t like this,” she frowned.

“If you don’t pick me, Gracie will never forgive you,” John said.

“That’s not fair! You can’t bring your baby sister into this,” Hayden said.

“Yeah, John, you jerk. I would never do that to you, Hay. Even though Leah will hate you, as well,” Eric mumbled.

“I’m not going to pick either of you,” she said, folding her arms over her chest.

“Fine!” Eric exclaimed, “John and I will just continue our bromance without you!”

John laughed at his best friend, “Sorry, babe, he’s right.”

“I’m going to go make more popcorn,” Eric stated before leaving the room, proving he really did have the attention span of a five year old.

John looked at Hayden before gripping her waist and pulling her onto his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck.

“So just between you and I,” he whispered, “You pick me, right?”

She smiled, leaning her forehead against his, “Always.”

It gave Hayden shivers that that was one of the last good memories she had of John.

“Hayden Reynolds?” a nurse questioned from the door.

“The one and only,” she replied, causing Eric to snort a laugh.

“You have mail,” she stated, handing her three letters before leaving the room.

The first was from the county, “I owe four thousand dollars for the ambulances and police aide,” she told Eric.

“That’s a bunch of crap. Aren’t they supposed to serve the community?” Eric asked.

“It says that since the damages are my fault, they’re my expense,” she said.

“I’m sorry, Hay. If you need money or something…” he trailed off.

“Thanks, Halvo,” she said, moving on to the next letter from the bank. She didn’t want to borrow money, especially from Eric, but it was slowly becoming her only option.

“Oh good, in all this chaos my parents still haven’t stopped charging me for court loans. Awesome,” Hayden said.

“You’re behind on your payments?” Eric asked.

“Apparently,” she spoke, ripping up the letter.

“Hayden…”

“No. They can suck it. If they refuse to come visit me, or call me… ever, they can wait until I can at least walk for their money,” she said bitterly, opening up the next letter.

It was written on lined paper in a handwriting she didn’t recognize at all. Out of the envelope also fell a small magnet reading Everything is bigger in Texas.

Dear Hayden,

Hey! Hope you’re doing well. Eric gave me your phone number but I didn’t want to text, just in case you were asleep or something. Plus, this way you don’t feel pressured to write me back anytime soon.

I decided maybe we could get to know each other. You seem so lost, and I think I can help. Not like a therapist, but like a new friend. Pretend I don’t know anything about you, and it shouldn’t be that hard pretending you know nothing about me.

My name is Kennedy Brock. I’m twenty-two years old from Arizona. I have a little sister named Kelsey, and a brother named Kaden. I joined The Maine a few weeks after you stopped all contact with them.

I love my family. We’ve all become much closer in the last six years ago. I won best smile in my senior class. I have a girlfriend named Kristen. I was originally going to give this stupid magnet to her. But after meeting you, I figured you might like it better.

I used to sing in a band, and I honestly loved it. But playing guitar is my passion. I like to write music but I still don’t show very many people. I’m kind of shy in that way, I guess.

Please write me back. Tell me about yourself. Just random stuff . You need this, Hayden. Don’t think about my connection to John, or where you are while you read this.

I didn’t always used to be this way. I know you kind of resent me for being happy. John told me to not get involved with you; that you were too detrimental. But it only made me more intrigued. You used to be friends with my friends, Hayden. So that tells me that you didn’t used to be like this either.

Somewhere down there, maybe it’s really deep. It’s probably hidden by this depression you have surrounding your heart. But I know there is something good. I’m not saying I want to fix you, I’m just saying I want to help you.

Be an optimist, remember? Talk to you soon.

-Kennedy.

Hayden closed up the letter, a smile on her face. “What are you smiling about?” Eric asked.

She shrugged, “So, Kennedy is a good guy, huh?”

“He’s great. Seriously, if I was a girl I would even think about dating him before we did it,” Eric said matter-of-factly.

Hayden shook her head, “I did not need to know that.”

“Just saying,” he mumbled.

Hayden held out her hand, “I love you.”

He cocked his head, a confused smile on his lips before he held her hand, “You too.”

“I’m going to try to sleep,” she said.

Eric nodded his head and Hayden closed her eyes. She began to plan out what she would write back to Kennedy. She thought of random facts about herself, and eventually she almost forgot where she was.

And for the first time in days, she found herself drifting to sleep.