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Healing
Heal
He dragged the blade over his flesh; he let his tears fall like a waterfall not caring how weak he was being. He watched as the blood rose to the surface of the wounds like lava rising from beneath the earth.
He enjoyed the sensation it brought him. He enjoyed the feeling he got when the cold metal touched his skin and told him it would take away his pain. How could a person have so much regret, guilt and depression stand it?
He needed to feel the pain, when the blade ran across his flesh forcing blood to the area to protect it. He needed to feel blood rush out and pour over his skin. His desire for self inflicting pain grows with each passing day.
Every day it gets worst for him. Since the death of his mother; his father drinks to the point where he goes on rampages. He lost his job and now he and his two siblings forced to take any job that would take them just to cover their everyday needs. To him through he felt as if trying was too hard now.
He had been recently fired from his job after an outburst for something he didn’t do. He couldn’t control his emotions anymore. The depression got to the point where mood swings happened often. He didn’t mean to at first, but now he wants a giant brick wall to form around him.
His ‘best friend’ Johnny been trying to hack him for the past year, but it hasn’t worked? He won’t let anyone see what goes on in his life. He never pretended he was okay; he just let everyone see that he’s upset, but who would really pay attention?
Johnny always says he cares, but does he really? He lives in house three times bigger than his, he drives a Cobra R; he gets an allowance of two hundred bucks a month. His dad was the last person to care about him. He had been the victim of so many drunken beatings that he had lost count.
He didn’t care. He didn’t care if he flunked out of school, because he wouldn’t live through senor year anyway. He didn’t care if his only friend left him. He lost the two things he had wished to never leave him. From a dream life, that be became a nightmare; he wanted it back.
He longed for his mother, for her smooth velvet voice that assured him with hope. He longed for her to wrap her arms around him when he would cry, and sing his favorite songs to him. His mother was there for everything. She helped him with getting his first guitar and his first bike. She never judged him even when he told her he was gay. She was one of the only ones to care.
But what he longed for most was his ex-boyfriend, Matt. He didn’t care that he cheated on him with three other girls, and told him that he wanted an open relationship. He didn’t care when he told him he’d leave him if he didn’t stop acting like a ‘little emo girl.’ The one person he thought was suppose to care betrayed him, and yet he stilled longed for him back.
He wanted strong muscular arms wrapped around his body and hearing him whisper, “Let me get this motherfucker for you.” when he saw someone messed with him in hall. He longed for those kisses they shared. What he wanted most was to felt loved by someone who wasn’t in his blood-line.
The day his mother died he remembers bawling in Matt’s arms, and how every time he managed calmed down it would start back up moments later. He remembers how Matt whispered, “Let it out, don’t hold it in.” he remembers how his eyes stung so bad that Matt would place butterfly kisses on them.
Why did he still live in the past? Was he not capable of turning the page? Or was his book about how he fell so quickly? Not one person picked him up and no one was there to tell him how they were going to make it better. They let him fall. They wanted to see if he could get up just to laugh at him as he fell again.
He stared up at the clock and it flashed ‘9:22 AM’ he sighed and debated whether just to sit there or go back to bed and get some sleep. First semester was over and the holidays were soon approaching. Not like they did anything for them. There was no tree, no gifts, no joy, no dinner, and no family. It was a pointless holiday to him.
Lucky his dad just took off to Vegas, leaving him there with only his siblings. Johnny kept asking him to stay with him for the holidays, but he didn’t want to ruin they’re joy. He didn’t want a penny to be spent on him. He was alone on his birthday, Christmas and New Years, but he wanted it to be like that. He made his way over to his unmade bed and collapsed.
Dong!
Loud barks filled his eardrums and he didn’t bother getting up. He would just lie there and wait for the barks to die down. He heard the barks quiet and the door opening up. He sighed, and threw a blanket to where he was sitting: since he forgot to cover up his mess. He pulled the covers to his neck and closed his eyes.
Knock! Knock!
“You there, Zack?” a voice asked, the door slowly opening up. His chocolate eyes lay on the boy across the room, “I’m sorry for just barging in like that, but I couldn’t get a hold of you.”
“That’s because we don’t have the money to pay our bills.” he explained quietly.
Footsteps made their way over to the bed, “I know it’s hard, but listen. I want to help.”
“You can leave now.” he turned over facing the white wall in front of him now.
“Why do you shut me out like that every time? I tell you I’m here for you, and you snap at me. Tell me, Zacky. Don’t you trust me?” the boy asked.
He slowly turned over, green eyes locking with chocolate, “No.”
He narrowed his eyes at the green eyed man, “You don’t? Well let me tell you this, Zack. I trust you with my life. Hell, I would even take a bullet for you. What did I do to lose your trust?” he crossed his arms over his chest.
“You never had it. Now leave.” he explained.
“Don’t need to be a bitch. What are you hiding from me? Still hung up over Matt? He’s the quarter-back! Can’t you see he dumped you for the head cheer-leader! He led you on and hurt you. It’s time to move on.” he sighed, “I’m sorry.”
He faced the white wall once more, “Leave.”
“I thought since I haven’t gotten anything for your birthday that I would take you somewhere fun. But forget it. I can see you don’t want a friend.” he explained, making his way out the door.
“I want to die, Johnny!” he screamed. His eyes widen to what he just said, and buried his face into his pillow.
Johnny turned back around slowly and his gaze fell on Zack. He felt a pinch of guilt in his chest, realizing he hadn’t been a good friend. He sighed and walked over to his friend, “I’m sorry.”
“Go away!” he yelled.
“Zack… I’m not going to leave.” he explained.
The green eyed man glared at his bed sheets. He couldn’t find any words to tell the younger man. He was lost. He just busted. He was erupting slowly like a volcano and he didn’t want to more to happen.
“Well Matt’s an asshole. I know you don’t want to hear this, but he betrayed you while you were together. I overheard him talking to his buddies about how he used you. I don’t think you should be with anyone like that. You need to heal.” he said.
Johnny moved over to the bed and pulled the older boy into a hug. It had been the first time in a while where he actually felt loved. He enjoyed the feeling let his body sink into the touch. He wrapped his arms around the younger man. A grin broke free on his face.
“I’ll stop cutting and start healing.” a promise to himself and his only friend.
Maybe there was hope and a future for him after all.
He enjoyed the sensation it brought him. He enjoyed the feeling he got when the cold metal touched his skin and told him it would take away his pain. How could a person have so much regret, guilt and depression stand it?
He needed to feel the pain, when the blade ran across his flesh forcing blood to the area to protect it. He needed to feel blood rush out and pour over his skin. His desire for self inflicting pain grows with each passing day.
Every day it gets worst for him. Since the death of his mother; his father drinks to the point where he goes on rampages. He lost his job and now he and his two siblings forced to take any job that would take them just to cover their everyday needs. To him through he felt as if trying was too hard now.
He had been recently fired from his job after an outburst for something he didn’t do. He couldn’t control his emotions anymore. The depression got to the point where mood swings happened often. He didn’t mean to at first, but now he wants a giant brick wall to form around him.
His ‘best friend’ Johnny been trying to hack him for the past year, but it hasn’t worked? He won’t let anyone see what goes on in his life. He never pretended he was okay; he just let everyone see that he’s upset, but who would really pay attention?
Johnny always says he cares, but does he really? He lives in house three times bigger than his, he drives a Cobra R; he gets an allowance of two hundred bucks a month. His dad was the last person to care about him. He had been the victim of so many drunken beatings that he had lost count.
He didn’t care. He didn’t care if he flunked out of school, because he wouldn’t live through senor year anyway. He didn’t care if his only friend left him. He lost the two things he had wished to never leave him. From a dream life, that be became a nightmare; he wanted it back.
He longed for his mother, for her smooth velvet voice that assured him with hope. He longed for her to wrap her arms around him when he would cry, and sing his favorite songs to him. His mother was there for everything. She helped him with getting his first guitar and his first bike. She never judged him even when he told her he was gay. She was one of the only ones to care.
But what he longed for most was his ex-boyfriend, Matt. He didn’t care that he cheated on him with three other girls, and told him that he wanted an open relationship. He didn’t care when he told him he’d leave him if he didn’t stop acting like a ‘little emo girl.’ The one person he thought was suppose to care betrayed him, and yet he stilled longed for him back.
He wanted strong muscular arms wrapped around his body and hearing him whisper, “Let me get this motherfucker for you.” when he saw someone messed with him in hall. He longed for those kisses they shared. What he wanted most was to felt loved by someone who wasn’t in his blood-line.
The day his mother died he remembers bawling in Matt’s arms, and how every time he managed calmed down it would start back up moments later. He remembers how Matt whispered, “Let it out, don’t hold it in.” he remembers how his eyes stung so bad that Matt would place butterfly kisses on them.
Why did he still live in the past? Was he not capable of turning the page? Or was his book about how he fell so quickly? Not one person picked him up and no one was there to tell him how they were going to make it better. They let him fall. They wanted to see if he could get up just to laugh at him as he fell again.
He stared up at the clock and it flashed ‘9:22 AM’ he sighed and debated whether just to sit there or go back to bed and get some sleep. First semester was over and the holidays were soon approaching. Not like they did anything for them. There was no tree, no gifts, no joy, no dinner, and no family. It was a pointless holiday to him.
Lucky his dad just took off to Vegas, leaving him there with only his siblings. Johnny kept asking him to stay with him for the holidays, but he didn’t want to ruin they’re joy. He didn’t want a penny to be spent on him. He was alone on his birthday, Christmas and New Years, but he wanted it to be like that. He made his way over to his unmade bed and collapsed.
Dong!
Loud barks filled his eardrums and he didn’t bother getting up. He would just lie there and wait for the barks to die down. He heard the barks quiet and the door opening up. He sighed, and threw a blanket to where he was sitting: since he forgot to cover up his mess. He pulled the covers to his neck and closed his eyes.
Knock! Knock!
“You there, Zack?” a voice asked, the door slowly opening up. His chocolate eyes lay on the boy across the room, “I’m sorry for just barging in like that, but I couldn’t get a hold of you.”
“That’s because we don’t have the money to pay our bills.” he explained quietly.
Footsteps made their way over to the bed, “I know it’s hard, but listen. I want to help.”
“You can leave now.” he turned over facing the white wall in front of him now.
“Why do you shut me out like that every time? I tell you I’m here for you, and you snap at me. Tell me, Zacky. Don’t you trust me?” the boy asked.
He slowly turned over, green eyes locking with chocolate, “No.”
He narrowed his eyes at the green eyed man, “You don’t? Well let me tell you this, Zack. I trust you with my life. Hell, I would even take a bullet for you. What did I do to lose your trust?” he crossed his arms over his chest.
“You never had it. Now leave.” he explained.
“Don’t need to be a bitch. What are you hiding from me? Still hung up over Matt? He’s the quarter-back! Can’t you see he dumped you for the head cheer-leader! He led you on and hurt you. It’s time to move on.” he sighed, “I’m sorry.”
He faced the white wall once more, “Leave.”
“I thought since I haven’t gotten anything for your birthday that I would take you somewhere fun. But forget it. I can see you don’t want a friend.” he explained, making his way out the door.
“I want to die, Johnny!” he screamed. His eyes widen to what he just said, and buried his face into his pillow.
Johnny turned back around slowly and his gaze fell on Zack. He felt a pinch of guilt in his chest, realizing he hadn’t been a good friend. He sighed and walked over to his friend, “I’m sorry.”
“Go away!” he yelled.
“Zack… I’m not going to leave.” he explained.
The green eyed man glared at his bed sheets. He couldn’t find any words to tell the younger man. He was lost. He just busted. He was erupting slowly like a volcano and he didn’t want to more to happen.
“Well Matt’s an asshole. I know you don’t want to hear this, but he betrayed you while you were together. I overheard him talking to his buddies about how he used you. I don’t think you should be with anyone like that. You need to heal.” he said.
Johnny moved over to the bed and pulled the older boy into a hug. It had been the first time in a while where he actually felt loved. He enjoyed the feeling let his body sink into the touch. He wrapped his arms around the younger man. A grin broke free on his face.
“I’ll stop cutting and start healing.” a promise to himself and his only friend.
Maybe there was hope and a future for him after all.