Me vs. Myself

All I wanted in this new day, was to change. Be me. But I had started off wrongly.
“Come on, Joana! Quickly, before I…”
I ran off the bathroom, before I was forced into doing it.
I used to be a pacific girl, and was, by far, the most calm from my class… now, such thing was a far away past, and I didn’t know that face of mine. At least, when I was in school. Sure, I had good marks (if I had bad marks, I was done), but, outside, it was almost as if I had a big signboard with neon’s that read “Dangerous! Walk back!”. It was a bit frustrating, but I didn’t care. Except when people messed up with me; then, I’d use my force.
Due to my situation at home, I signed secretly in boxing lessons. My strength was rising, and a lot. Now, I knew how to defend myself very well.
I arrived school just in time, just to avoid any trouble. I went directly to the class, to the last table, right beside the door. It was test… I knew everything, as always, but, still, no one wanted to came sit next to me, not even if it was to cheat on the test.
I finished the test in twenty minutes, and the teacher let me leave.
As soon as I left the classroom, I found problems… the kind of problems I wished weren’t actually problems.
I had waiting for me a pretty group of boys. One of them, a boy particularly rebel, and enough of nuts to make my head spin, even if he didn’t know. The biggest problem was that he was the one who was coming to mess with me, because of his stupid girlfriend, which told him I had threatened her. Not that I minded of doing that, but I hadn’t.
“So… I heard that you threatened Catarina…” he said, with his powerful and extremely sexy.
“I have quite an idea on who told you that, but I haven’t done anything. Believe me, I wouldn’t bother at all, but I didn’t” I answered, firm, despite of the fact that, inside, I was melted.
“You know, but, right now, I believe her more than I do to you, you know? She’s the one who’s my girlfriend” he stressed.
That last sentence hit me more than one thousand punched that I could take from anyone. It hit me in such a way, I became furious.
“I don’t care, believe what you want. Wanna protect her? Come here, and we see who’s the one getting it. Right now, I wish she was dead. Half of my problems would disappear, including one: YOU!” I yelled at him.
The crew that was with him whistled before my furious sentence, and, mainly, from my face’s expression. However, he just stared at me, as if he could gaze behind my mask of fury.
And maybe he actually saw how broken my heart had stayed, how much my eyes needed to let go of a tear, how much I wanted to run really far away from there, to stay alone… But that was impossible, he didn’t even know me, he couldn’t see those things. But, the true is, he turned around and left; which his friends puzzled.
“Hey, Rodrigo, where are you going?” They screamed, while running to catch him.
I stood there, by the door of my classroom, watching him leave. Maybe I had scared him. Maybe he didn’t want to hit me. Maybe he had gotten upset by me saying I wanted him to disappear. It was all a big ball of ‘maybe’, and I couldn’t decode it.
I didn’t have more classes in the morning. It was one of the advantages of going to university, there were less subjects I had to attend, and, luckily, today I only had two classes.
I went home, in the hope of having a little bit of peace. Well, I could keep dreaming.
I closed the door, and was walking towards my room. However, I was grabbed by an arm I knew way too well, and I feared it.
- Home, already? Are you skipping classes, Joana? You think you just can fool me like that, is it? IS IT? – My father screamed, although he was right beside me.
We lived only the two of us, since my mom had abandoned us, right after I was born, and even though my father had looked for her eternally, he never found her. That’s what made him who he was today.
- No, dad, I had a test and the teacher… - I never got the time to finish it.
He started off with a simple, yet painful slap. But then, he kept going, started to punch me, and I couldn’t complain. If I complained, it would be worst to me.
- YOU MUST THINK YOU DECEIVE ME, GIRL! YOU MUST THINK I’M STUPID, NO, BASTARD? – He yelled at me, while beating me up. I hoped no one was listening. – NOW, GET OUT OF HERE, AND GO TO SCHOOL!
He finally dropped me, and I fell on the ground, defeated. He looked at me angrily, once again, and kicked me in the stomach one last time, with me leaving home afterward, hugging my belly. I didn’t let one single tear slid through my eyes, whilst I was near home.
I went to a alley near my university, and leaned onto the wall, crying, while I felt the bruises form through all my body, including my face. My lip was busted, and I was bleeding, not only from the lip, but also from my leg. It hurt as hell, but I couldn’t go to the hospital. I couldn’t do anything. I was impotent. I couldn’t move.
Sat down, leaned over the wall on the alley, I was crying, with my knees next to my chest and my arms around my legs. Stupidly, I was wearing shorts and a tee-shirt, whereat, in less than nothing, all me wounds would be exposed to the world.
I felt observed, but didn’t even care. There, no one would recognize me.
I took a look at the wounds. My leg was bleeding massively, whereby I took off my jacket to stanch the draining blood. And left all my bruises on my arms showed off.
I was a mess. First, the boy that, unfortunately, had conquered my heart, had broken it, even without knowing. Then, my dad had hit me, again. And if I was having a truly unlucky day, somebody had heard it.
- WHY? – I screamed, not knowing if I was talking to whoever that was up in the sky (God, Ala, Zeus, somebody…) or if I was trying to make my mom listen. Listen for once.
I was eighteen by now, and still, I was impotent towards my violent father.
By now, my mom was thirty-six, should be married, with her life all made, a good job, many children… excluding me, of course. I wish I could find her. I just wanted to be able to talk to her, hug her, even if it was only once.

I’ve been on that alley until lunch time. I had to go home, to cook my father’s lunch. I was more controlled, and went home, breathing deeply.
I arrived right on time, and went directly to the kitchen. I cooked some rice and two steaks, and put it on the table. My father got home on the right time, and sat right down on his chair in front of the table, and started eating. We didn’t speak whilst all the lunch, and as soon as we finished, my father went to work. I had to hurry too, ‘cause I had to go change my clothes and make a bandage on my leg. A big one.
I washed the ware quickly, and went to the bathroom, to pick up cotton, ethylic alcohol, and a big-sized bandage. I then went to my room, stripped my shorts and my tee-shirt, and started disinfecting the wound. At this point, disinfecting it didn’t hurt anymore, since I was so accustomed. I hurried up, and dressed up a pair of leggings and a long tee-shirt. I dressed up my black leather jacket and paved my black converse all stars. I was wearing all black, so no one would approach me (as if it would ever happen).
I left home, with some time left, but I couldn’t stay there any longer. I arrived university at a glance, and went to sit near the entrance of my classroom. Unfortunately, Rodrigo plus his crew of hulks came to me. I had my face turned to my right, to hide my busted lip and the big bruise on my right cheek.
Rodrigo headed to me.
- You know, Catarina told me that, this morning, after I left your side, you went to her and threatened her again. That, this time, you even pushed her. How is it gonna be? Are we going to have problems?
- That’s impossible – I answered him, not turning my face.
- Oh, really? And why, then? – He asked me, not as furious as he was in the morning, but yet angry.
I didn’t reply to him, sighing sadly.
- Do you mind answering me?
- That’s my business – I told him, without looking at him.
- Are you freaking out, girl? Do you mind looking at me when I speak to you? – He demanded, and came to me, turning my face to him. He walked back, surprised, and, then, kneeled in front of me, while his colleagues laughed.
- Ah, ah, ah! What, you messed up with someone and couldn’t defend yourself, was it? – They mocked me, while laughing.
However, Rodrigo was looking at me as if he understood, and knew, what had happened.
- What? – I asked, while, involuntarily, a single teardrop fell.
He gazed at my lip and my face, and, far away, we both heard his girlfriend screaming for him. But he didn’t care.
- It was your father, wasn’t it? It was you that were crying, on the alley, today, weren’t you? – He questioned.
- I don’t know what you’re referring to – I answered, trying to hide from him what he knew already.
- Really? – He said to me and, without me being able to stop him, he lifted up my leggings on my left leg, showing off the bandage I had there.
- How do you know? – I whispered, crying involuntarily. He wiped my tears away, and hugged me.
- I heard everything. And then, I saw you on the alley. I’m sorry I distrusted you – he spoke on my ear, sincerely. I cried again.
- It’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with it. But it’s better if you go to Catarina, she must be pissed off.
- I don’t care, she’s been lying to me this whole time, I don’t want nothing with her anymore.
- Really? – I said, amazed and surprised.
- Really.
- What’s going on, here? – Catarina asked, who had reached to us.
Rodrigo turned, but, much to my surprise, held my hand.
- What does that matter, to you? We’re over, you’ve been lying to me all this time. It’s over – Rodrigo replied.
- What? She just turned your head around already?
- No, but I saw her. It was impossible she had threatened you. She was at home.
Catarina got muddled for a fraction of second, but then recomposed.
You know, she told you that, but she can be lying – she answered, brightly (or as she thought). Then, she smiled at me, presumptuous.
- She didn’t tell me anything, Catarina – Rodrigo replied, glancing at me.
- Then, how do you know? – She questioned, in the edge of losing control.
- I was with her – Rodrigo lied to her, with such credibility that even I believed. He was a great actor.
Catarina inhaled suddenly, shocked, and, this time, I was the one smiling presumptuously. But, immediately afterwards, I understood the reason why he had his hand on mine. Acting. All acting. Well, now it was my turn to act. I had to pretend that I understood that he was only acting, I had to be strong. And I was. I didn’t let Catarina see my concussion. I kept smiling.
- You… two? WHAT? – Catarina entered in a hysterical state.
- YOU THOUGHT WHAT? THAT I WOULD NEVER DISCOVER YOU WERE LYING TO ME? WAS IT? – Rodrigo got very nervous, got up, and started having a big fight with Catarina. I wasn’t paying attention, all I could think of was my huge headache.
Even though I hadn’t hit my head anywhere, I felt like I couldn’t stand its weight anymore. It was getting worse as the screams turned louder, and I didn’t know if I could handle it any longer. I was aware that Rodrigo and Catarina were fighting in screams so loud the whole school could possibly hear, but, either way, I decided to call him.
- Ro… drigo… I’m… not… okay. – I said, whispering. He looked at me, as I fainted. I was ready for the darkness, but the pain pierced on my chest so hard, that I inhaled hardly. However, when I exhaled, I couldn’t contain myself. I knew Rodrigo was observing me…
- AH! – I screamed, exhaling the air I still had. I fainted whilst seeing Rodrigo yelling for me, shaking the hand Catarina had put on his arm to get his attention.
I fell to the side, literally, and only woke up inside a car. Scared, I started to hyperventilate, but Rodrigo appeased me, caressing my arm. I looked at him, confused, and he smiled at me briefly. Without thinking, I got my hand up to his face, and caressed him back. He leaned on my hand, and I smiled at him. I really liked him, although he didn’t know.
- You know, your eyes tell me a lot about you – he said to me. I widened my eyes. – Such as, that, right now, you’re immensely happy for touching me, but afraid that I find something deeper.
I couldn’t talk, since my breath wasn’t controlled yet. He looked at me fondly.
- And, while you were swoon, you talked about your life. You told me all your life.
I looked at him, shocked, and totally embarrassed. He had discovered my whole life, and I wasn’t even awake to moderate my words. I turned down my face and my eyes, totally blushed.
- Don’t worry, you weren’t brute or something like that. In fact, you told me that in a way that almost made me believe you were awake. But you were so serene, that I was sure you weren’t.
I looked at him again, directly in the eyes, trying to make him understand my question.
- You wanna know what I meant with that, isn’t it? – I nodded, and he smiled.
- It’s just that, when you’re awake, I feel you tense, and always with a pain craved on your heart. However, when you were swoon, you were so serene, so… pacific. You were as if on the outside of your life, for a moment. You were outpouring, and so calm, that I thought that I now knew how to make you feel like that… - When he took his hand off of my arm, I dismayed a bit. However, in the next instant of turning the fifth on the car, he put it on my face, making me smile slightly. He looked directly in my eyes, making me lose my breath.
- You’re beautiful, you knew, Jo? – He told me, surprising me by giving me his own nickname. Then, I started on a mourning of crying that should be forbidden.
- He left me cry, without making any questions, without asking me to stop. He left me lean on his arms, as soon as he parked the car. I didn’t have any idea on where we were, but, also, I didn’t care. Suddenly, I stopped crying.
- I’m sorry. I didn’t meant for you to be this way… sorry – he said, sadly. I was still hugging him, and, when I tried to get back, he didn’t let me.
- It’s not your fault – I answered, with a weird voice, due to the crying. – It’s just that any boy said that to me before… and… it’s a delicate subject. The thing is when my father, you know… when he beats me… he doesn’t just beat me… he, also, sometimes… hum… possesses me – I explained, letting some tears slid down my face. – And he says that it is my fault, for being so… beautiful and… sexy… and… - I couldn’t finish properly. I started crying again.
It was really strange that a guy was touching me. I didn’t allow, due to what happened to me. However, whilst I was hugging Rodrigo, I felt good, safe. But his embrace was, now, a cold one, and he didn’t breathe. I looked up, and saw his jaw was thick.
- Rodrigo? Are you okay? Rodrigo? – I called him, trying to make him look at me. I got away from his hug easily, and put my hands on his face. – Rodrigo? What’s up?
He didn’t answer, he just stared at the deepest place of my eyes. Even his eyes were frozen. He wasn’t okay.
- Your father, what? – He asked, tense.
- He… well… which part didn’t you understand? – I questioned him, trying to keep calm and firm.
- The part that he shouldn’t do that – he said, exhaling furiously.
I looked deep in his eyes. He was… mad… because of what my father did to me? I caressed his cheek softly.
- Everything’s okay… I’m accustomed… Shuuu… Easy… - I appeased him, whilst he was shaking from the anger, literally. But it didn’t work. He was still frozen. There was only a way to unfreeze him… I went for the dive with my head, but it didn’t go very well.
I grabbed Rodrigo’s frozen face, shut my eyes, and enclosed his lips to mine. However, after a second of the joining of our lips, I got away. Yes, he wasn’t frozen anymore, but I had formed a bubble in the car seat. I started shaking, crying, moaning… I was in panic.
- Easy… Shuuu… You didn’t need to have done that… Shuuu… - Rodrigo was saying, while I rocked my body back and forth. – Joana, shall we go inside, please? – He asked me.
- Go inside where? – I questioned, more curious than panicking.
- Joana, sorry for this, but we have to go to the hospital. That headache you had wasn’t normal, you were really in pain. And don’t worry, after this, I won’t let you go back home, you’re coming to live with me… - I looked at him, wide eyed. – if you don’t mind, of course – he finished, towards my look at him.
I inhaled and exhaled. Wasn’t this my dream? Spend quality time with Rodrigo? Be able to see him every day, without being for him asking me if I had threatened Catarina? I closed my eyes for a moment, and I imagined. Me and him in the same house, every day. In the same room. In the same bed… I stopped there. I didn’t want to go further than that image: we were laying side-way, gazing into each other’s eyes, caressing each other’s faces, above all the blankets, dressed up, simply like that. Nothing more, nothing lesser. It was all I needed. It was all I wished.
- Of course I don’t mind. But we have to go pick up some clothes for me…
- No problemo, – he said, trying to make an Italian accent – I already dealt with it. It’s in that bag, back there. Now, shall we go in?
I nodded, and got out of the car. We went inside the hospital, and, I don’t if luckily or unluckily, there weren’t many people. I was attended almost immediately, and they sent me to do an X-ray. I waited in the doctor’s office, with Rodrigo holding my hand, while she went to pick up my X-ray.
The doctor finally arrived, and, for what I understood, she didn’t bring good news.
- Miss Joana, right? – She questioned.
- Yes… but you can call me only Joana – I asked, concerned. Rodrigo squeezed my hand gently. I sighed.
- I’m doctor Raquel, and the new I’m bringing to you isn’t the best. Luckily, it wasn’t too deep, but this… uff… You, missy, had a cranial traumatism. Did you hit your head anywhere, lately? – The doctor asked, as I got back up from the shock. Rodrigo stared at me, waiting for my answer.
- I… I didn’t hit my head anywhere – I stated. Rodrigo looked at me in an almost mad way, not liking what I had said. – But… my father… well, he… uff, he hit me pretty hard yesterday, and I fell on the table, with my head. Could it be from that? – I asked. The doctor hadn’t taken her eyes from my X-ray, but when she heard what I said, she looked at me, worried. On that moment, she opened her eyes so much, that I actually thought they would jump out of her eyelids.
- Oh, my God. Your father did that to you? – She asked, alarmed. I nodded with my head, slowly. – Have you talked to the cops already, honey?
- I preferred to not do it, and I liked if you didn’t as well. I already managed that subject. Please, don’t say really a thing. I already made up a solution, don’t need to punish him as well. You promise to not say a thing, doc? – I asked.
For as much as my father was violent, I still liked him, and I didn’t want him in jail. I didn’t want him encaged. I was already used to it, there was no bigger deal…
- But, sweety… - the doctor was saying.
- Please. – Rodrigo asked, and, finally, received a nod in response. I squeezed his hand, thanking him without any words.
- Well, then, the only thing I can do right now is recipe you some pills, in case the pain gets back – she wrote something down on a paper. – Here you have it… and… be careful.
- Thanks, doc, and don’t you worry, I’ll be alright.
We left the office, and Rodrigo took me to his house. He never got closer than the least distance needed to hold my hand. He understood I didn’t feel comfortable with proximity. Fortunately, he understood everything in me.
- Rodrigo…
- Yes? – He replied to me, as we entered his house.
- Tell me about you – I looked around, at an organized and pretty apartment. He took me to his room. – You live alone? – I asked him, when stating that there was only one room in the whole apartment.
- Yes, I rented this apartment ‘cause it is closer to our college. What do you wanna know about me? – He questioned, making me a sign so I would follow him to the bed.
He sat at the end of the bed, but I lied down on it, and pulled him to lay next to me. He, apprehensive, didn’t resist, though. We lied down, looking at the ceiling, and I held his hand.
- Tell me everything.
We spent a lot of time lied down in the same position, while he told me about how his brothers used to “idol him”, as his mother hugged him every morning before he went to school, whilst he still lived with her, how his father had taught him how to play guitar… we talked about the days when he dreamt of being a big music star, the days he acted towards his school, the days he acted towards his family… he told me how he was blind until he met me, at how futile he was and how he didn’t value his family, his friends, his life… We talked about everything that bothered him, concerned him, saddened him and cheered him up.
Then, we both fell into the night’s silence… yes, it was already night when we finished our chat… He had described every single detail his mother, his father, his sister, his brother, and even his cat that he had left in his house in Gaia.
I was tired of being in the same position, so, I turned to look him directly. He turned his head in my direction, and, then, copied my gesture, and we both stared into each other’s eyes. He reached his hand to my face, slowly, to caress me. This time, it was me that copied him. We were exactly like I had figured us, in the car. And I didn’t want to move so early. And I didn’t. Until…
- Ouch, my head – I complained, when I felt a little poke on the head.
- Fortunately we already bought your medicines… Come on, I’m gonna make something to eat, so you can take your pills – Rodrigo told me, smiling.
He got up from the bed, and I followed him, totally against that idea. We went to the kitchen, where he prepared some fast, yet delicious, mixed eggs. I smiled at him, when I finished eating.
- Thanks, it was great.
He smiled and, just like a truly cliché from a romantic movie, he took something out of my lips. I leaned my face to his hand, and smiled. He was everything that I always wanted. And that with never change. Of that, I was pretty sure.
- Is your head still hurting too much, Jo? – He asked, smiling to me. I nodded, slowly, and he got away.
Meanwhile, I sat down, starting to get a bit dizzy… he came in, and saw that I wasn’t okay. He picked me up and went to lay me down on his bed. He then took my pills and a glass of water, and was about to leave the room…
- Where are you going? – I asked, sleepy. He smiled.
- I’m gonna sleep on the couch. I don’t wanna bother you – he replied, still smiling at me sweetly.
- It bothers me more to know that you’re gonna sleep in the couch, so uncomfortable…
- My couch is very comfy! – He answered, making both of us laugh. After that, he got closer to me. – Do you really want me to stay here?
I was so sleepy that I was only able to nod, and to see him lay down next time. We were both with the clothes we had worn, but I didn’t even care. Just to make sure he didn’t leave as soon as I was asleep, I grabbed his arm. I had this flaw that made me wake up at the slightest of the movements, which meant that, if he left, I’d wake. And if he went to sleep on the couch, I’d go too. I wouldn’t let him stay away from me.
One Month Later…
Fuck! I had left the thing that made me happier in my father’s house – my journal. This month had been so confused and romantic, despite me and Rodrigo still never kissed, that I had forgotten completely about my journal. But, today, I had to go home, to pick it up… I didn’t know if I would find my father, but I didn’t even care. I needed that journal. I had a lot to tell.
I prepared mentally, in case my father appeared, when I went to his house that afternoon. I didn’t say a thing to Rodrigo, I didn’t want to worry. But I was afraid. I seriously hoped not to find my father. I would even pray, if I needed to.
We were in the car, when Rodrigo noticed my distant looks.
- What’s up, Jo? You’re not okay – he said, while he made the last curve before the college.
It was a good thing that I had already though of the chance of him noticing I wasn’t okay.
- I just randomly remember of what I was before you even noticed me… I was thinking on how I liked you, and you seemed to not even see me… - I answered, telling a half-true. I was really reminiscing about what I was before him noticing me; the lie was that I was thinking about the abuse I received, and not in my eternal love for him.
He stopped the car, captivating my attention.
- I am here, now, and you know that I’d never leave you, even if you killed someone… You’re everything to me, and I will NEVER give up on having you by my side, you’re the only reason I live for, I’ll die for, I breath for. I love you, Joana Cunha Almeida. And I don’t want you to think more about the past, ‘cause that won’t happen again; the past won’t haunt you anymore.
I was with my jaw on the floor of the car, towards his “speech”. He really loved me. Having this reveal brought tears to my eyes. My expression was truly contradictory: I smiled wisely from ear to ears, and cried like a nascent. From the outside of our little sweet moment, it could seem comic, but I didn’t actually thought that had any humor, at all. I was overwhelmed and sad.
I was marveled with the power that had been sent through the words that had left Rodrigo’s perfect lips. And I had a big stick at my heart at the same time, for have lied to him, and made that confused feeling show upon his face, and his heart.
- Rodrigo Filipe Reis de Sousa, that was simply beautiful. So deep that I don’t even know how to reply to your so unique words. There’s only a way… and that way is saying “I love you”. Because yes, I love you with all my heart, with all my soul, unconditionally and eternally. You’re everything to me, too. Because I love you.
My words were simpler; however, Rodrigo had the same reaction that I had towards his words. He cried, slightly, and smiled, openly.
- That’s all I need to hear to be happy. I love you – he replied, in a groggy tone, due to his former tears.
- And I love you too – I told him, in a low tone, due to my own cry.
I the meanwhile, he started the car engine again, and, as we both recomposed, in the silence of the cold morning, he drove again to the college.
We arrived and spitted up, each one going to our own class. I left a little bit earlier, so I wouldn’t have to lie more to Rodrigo, and went directly to my father’s house. I was on my way praying to all the Gods I knew, so he wouldn’t find me. And, fortunately, it seemed to work. No one was home.
I went to my room, in a hurry, to pick up my journal. Now that I had it with me, it looked almost as if I was safe from a shipwreck.
I didn’t want to take too long, but I couldn’t resist but cook my father his last meal. I would do some simple mixed eggs, but, at least, I’d leave him fed up.
While I sliced some of the ingredients, I thought at how I could be so stupid at the point of standing there cooking a meal to someone whom treated me below dog. I didn’t even tried to find any justification to that fact, ‘cause I didn’t even had any time. I was just about to do the final cut in one of ingredients, when I heard the door lock being turned, and the door moving. I turned around, letting the big knife I had on my hand fall to the ground, not hitting my foot by an inch.
My father slammed the door, and came in my direction with heavy paths and a dangerous and brutal look on his eyes. He slapped me. This time, it hurt. For the first time, I felt the physical pain. I had stayed so many time far away from my father, that my body wasn’t softened by the frequency of the abuse. Now, I felt all the pain that he wanted to impinge me. He kicked my belly, and I, helpless, kneeled in front of him. He grabbed me by my hair, and lied me on the ground, putting himself on top of me, next.
- You don’t even know how much I missed you, Joana – he said, in a violent and desperate tone.
He started putting his hands under my shirt. It was on that moment that I understood.
This battle I was in wasn’t between me and my dad. Neither between my dad and is anger for life. This war was between the ‘me’ that accepted what my dad used to do to me, and the ‘me’ that wanted to end up with that, once and for all. It was on that moment that I understood that I had to make the choice that would write my destiny: would I accept it, or end it?
My father had already taken off my shirt, and was going down on me. I closed my eyes, and, instinctively, grabbed the knife that I dropped on the ground when he came in. When he heard the noise, he pulled up his body, and, at the first opportunity I had, I plunged the knifed right in the place where his heart was. I took it off, and, instinctively, plunged it back, until he fell on the ground. Blood splashes covered my nude body, but my hand kept in his instinctive act of knife my father. But I had to put an end on that.
I was covered in blood, and my hands looked like they were bleeding, too. I dropped the knife, terrified, and put my hand on my head.
“What have I done? WHAT HAVE I DONE?” I screamed, crying and looking at all the blood on the ground, on my dad’s body, and on my body.
I passed my hands over my face, chocked with what I’ve done. I had killed my father. I HAD KILLED MY FATHER!
In panic, I got up, staggering, and went to the phone. I should call 911, but my father was already dead, anyway. I decide to call Rodrigo.
“Hello? Jo, where are you? Are you home, already?” Asked Rodrigo, on the other side of the line.
“ I killed my dad” I whispered, not believing in those words, yet.
“Joana, are you alright? Have you had a nightmare?” He was getting worried.
“I KILLED MY FATHER, RODRIGO! And it’s not a nightmare… I came home to pick my diary, and decided to make him lunch, one last time… and he appeared, and hit me… and was going to rape me… and I couldn’t take it...” the tears start falling in pairs “Rodrigo, tell me this didn’t happen… tell me that you’re in our bed with me, sleeping, and that this is just a dream… please, Rodrigo… please.”
There was a strange scary silence on the other side of the line.
“Don’t do anything, I’m coming over there” Rodrigo said to me, chocked.
I was almost sure I couldn’t wait. I called the cops.
“911, what’s the emergency?” Asked a woman, with a nice voice, on the other side.
“I… killed my father” I answered, trying to control the tears.
“I’m sorry?” She asked, scared.
“I’ve just killed my father” I answered, in panic. “Please, do something…”
“Hum… tell me your address, the cops are on their way.”
I gave her my address, and waited five minutes. The cops arrived before Rodrigo. They knocked on the door.
“Police!” They yelled, from the other side.
I ran to open it, and I stayed in front of the door.
“You can arrest me. I already know what awaits me. I confess. I killed my father” I burst in the height of my crying. I have never cried so much in my whole life. Never ever.
The cops got a bit sensitized, and one of them came to me, to handcuff me, while the other went to the kitchen.
“Well, the coroner will need to be careful, this body took a lot knifing” said the one who was in the kitchen. I cried even more.
“Yeah, we talk about it later” ordered the one who was grabbing me. “Miss, you’re arrested for your father’s homicide. You have the right to contact a lawyer, and have the right to only one call.”
He slightly pushed me, and I started to leave the house.
Rodrigo had just arrived, and, when he saw me being taken by the cops, goggled his eyes a lot. I figured he was afraid of me, but no; he was afraid for me.
“No, please! It was in pure defense! Joana, no! I love you! I will take you out of jail, my love. My love…” He screamed, while he saw me passing through.
I didn’t offer resistance to the cops. I didn’t have reasons for that. Jail was the only place where I, a killer, should be. The words that Rodrigo said in the car invaded my mind. “And you know that I would never leave you, even if you killed someone”… “Even if you killed someone”… “Killed”…
I started crying, again, already in cops’ car.
When we got to the police station, they took me into an interrogatory room, where I wrote my confession. I didn’t even need a judgment. I was obviously guilty.
They took the confession to a judge, which, by chance, was available, and he locked me in prison for ten years. My sentence had been reduced, since it was in pure defense. Still, it was a very long time. I’d lose ten years beside Rodrigo locked in a cell. But I deserved it. I should have never let my instinct act. I should’ve held on, like I had done all the other times before.
By a fluke, the only one of the day actually, my cell was individual, which meant I wouldn’t have a cell partner. I felt good about it. That way, I wouldn’t have to justify towards anyone.
I spent the rest of the day on my tiny cell, crying. When it was advanced night, I fell asleep, between cold salty tears.
I woke up, in the morning, with the sound of a door unlocking, and thought “NO! NOT AGAIN!”.
I had dreamt all night with the monster I had became, and, consequently, woke up startled and tired. I looked at the entry of the cell, and it was open.
- Your bill was paid. You can go free – the guard told me. – Retract your belongings and clothing in the entrance. Sincerely, you, missy, didn’t deserve to be here. With what… son of a bitch was doing, you had all the right to take revenge. Go enjoy your youth, ‘cause you still have a lot to say – the guard added, smiling.
For as much as I deserved to be there, I didn’t like that place. The cells were cold, and the beds were rough. Everything was very monotone, and I had only been there one afternoon.
I ran to the entrance, and went to change my clothes. I couldn’t stand to be inside that orange suit for much longer.
After I was done, I went to see who awaited me… and, surprise of surprises, only Rodrigo was there.
- I can’t believe you took me out of there… Rodrigo… - I was thanking him, in what I supposed was a lovely way.
- But I… - he was saying, but I cut him off with a kiss that I had been saving for a whole month, waiting for the right time. And it had come.
- My love, it wasn’t me who paid your bill – he told me, when we ended our kiss.
- What? – I asked him, scared.
- Easy… I found someone who deserved that right better than me, and who could actually do it… Joana, babe, this is your mom, Beatriz Cunha Machado.
- Mom? – I questioned, when a woman like me showed up, smiling shyly.
- Joana… sweet daughter of mine – she told me; I ran to hug her. – Sorry I left, but I couldn’t handle it anymore… Your father worn me out… he beat me, like he did to you. If I only knew he would discharge it on you, I would’ve never left. I’m not asking for you to forgive me, I only want you to know that I didn’t want this to happen.
- I forgive you, mommy. I missed you.
- And I missed you, baby doll.