A Watercolor Life

“Jesus, calm down. It's not like he proposed or anything.” Chan was leaning on the car window, counting the passing red cars. She also drew a small heart on the condensation her breath left on the window pane. “Just a dinner.” She glanced at the redhead. “Simple, right?”

Lary was looking straight ahead, not paying much attention to the younger girl. Her mind was racing. She wasn't in a relationship, then why did she feel so... guilty? “I guess.” Of course she guessed, she didn't even know what to think anymore.

“You really like him right?” The car veered a little bit to the right. “Fuck! Lary!”

She mumbled back a lame sorry and paid more attention to the road. Chan was on her nerve's ends. “Just, be careful, okay?” She didn't know if she meant dinner of driving. It suited both perfectly. But of course the girl had more to say. Didn't she always? “Keep it professional. And you have to tell Seungho. Wait, you two are together, right? As in, he did ask you to be his girlfriend... right?”

“...” The car came to a halt in front of a red light. Chan had already lost count of the red cars.

The girl sighed again and mumbled a small 'jesus' under her breath. “That just makes everything so... so... ugh I forgot the word. What means something you don't know where it ends or starts?”

“Confusing?”

“No, it's more like... uncertain. I don't know. Look, you have to put some boundaries here. It's obvious you feel something for lip-doted Korean boy here. And he knows it. God, why are relationships so complicated?” She stared hard at Lary.

She glanced at the girl and frowned. “What about you and Mir? Don't be a hypocrite now.” Chan shifted in her seat, her temper rising.

“Yeah, well. It wasn't this complicated. And yes I am being a hypocrite. Life sucks, too, did you know?” She was getting defensive. “Forget it. Anyway, just tell him. If I know something, it's that not telling someone makes everything worse. True story.”

“Well, well, Chan. Do I hear a past anecdote coming on?”

She snorted. “As if. Let's just leave it with me being observant.”

“As if! You can't even remember what people wear!”

“That is so not important.”

The car turned left. “Alright. What did you eat for dinner yesterday?”

“You know, I kind of hate your right now. No more questions. Anyway, I didn't mean that kind of observation.”

Lary snorted. “Yeah right. You're just angry because your argument is invalid.” Chan didn't even grace that with an answer.

“There's my apartment, the white building on the right.”

“Pretty.”

The girl snorted. “Liar, liar, pants on fucking fire.”

Lary scowled. “I was just trying to be nice. Apparently, you don't appreciate my efforts.” She sniffed with indignation.

Chan just smiled. “It's okay. I still love you.” She fell silent until Lary stopped the car, she turned to the older girl. She grinned. “Good luck with Rain. By the way, what's your number?” Lary gave her her phone number and grumbled about rude teenagers nowadays.

“Oh, you know you love it, Za.”

“Kiss my ass.”

“Just tell me when.”

The redhead flipped her off. The girl just laughed it off and walked away. So much for a friendly goodbye.

Lary felt the mood in the car shift, and her concerns and problems started to haunt her once more. She decided to turn the radio on yet, much to her disappointment, an MBLAQ song started to play. She liked their songs, sure. But it just wasn't what she needed at the moment. Still, she needed something to drown her thoughts. And now that Chan's unrelenting chatter and rambles were missing, she was left with this empty silence. She just felt terrible.

She felt even more terrible when she remembered she didn't have Seungho's phone number. Or Chan's. There were moments in life, she deduced, where she pretty much proved to the Universe how unorganized and messed up she can be. That moment was one of them. Everything was eating her alive. She didn't even know what song was playing when she felt the first tear fall. It didn't matter. It never did. It couldn't.

- - -

The dress was beautiful. She was scared. She was nervous. Baggy sweaters and loose blouses were one thing. Dresses were another. She would pull here and there, cursing the designers for their lack of human anatomy knowledge and constantly wonder why it never felt like the dress was fitting right. Ever. It wasn't a cocktail dress -heavens forbid- but a summer dress with flower prints. She liked the dress, she really did. It was a small momentum she bought in Mexico. It was like a glove back then, this beautiful white Christmas wrapping that made her glow. But now- now it was loose. Part of her rejoiced in that, practically jumping up and down and pointing at her body and saying 'I win.' Yet another part of her was going into a panicked state because that was her only dress to begin with. She wanted to raise the middle finger to the cosmos and call them out. Assholes.

She couldn't do more than change into something else. She opted to wear a long, prairie, beige and grey striped skirt with frills on the front, that cut a little shorter than the back. Her light blue blouse was loose enough for comfort and tight enough to give her some shape, 3/4 sleeves folded up just above her elbows.

She was definitely not convinced with the idea, but that was the only thing she could do. And, anyway, it made her hair color pop out if she said so herself. But that did not chase away the demon that gnawed at the pit of her stomach. She wanted to call Seungho and tell him. She needed to tell him. But there was no way to localize him.

Life was such a hardcore bitch at times.

And the more she thought about it, the more it bothered her. Because even if this was a professional meeting, it did not feel that way. It felt wrong. And the more she felt that, the more she wanted to get it over with. Rain's sudden charm and seduction felt intimidating.

She regretted it even more as she waited for him. Her stomach churned and her heart ached. She wanted to go back inside, take off her boots and cry on her coffee and paint stained couch like the girl she was deep inside. But instead, she grabbed her purse and hugged it close to herself. And somehow she felt better that way. Just a little.

The sky was abnormally cloudy, and the weather was somewhat chilly. She sighed and observed how her breath danced and finally evaporated into nothing. She couldn't stop fidgeting, couldn't stop wondering, couldn't stop thinking. She wanted to close her eyes and already find herself in the restaurant, paying the check. The thought of having a formal dinner was... was... it was too much. She wanted to cry. Because the guilt was consuming her. She owed Seungho so much, and this... this was the way she was repaying him? Screw professionalism. It felt wrong and that was all that mattered. That was all she felt.

Yet, nothing caused her so much anxiety as the sight of that black BMW. She felt her self-consciousness gnaw at the back of her mind. She smiled and tried to turn her anxiety and nerves into this over-exuberant ball of eagerness and happiness. Her hands wouldn't stop playing with the frills of her skirt, but she didn't even notice.

God, what have I ever done to you? Do I owe you money, did I cuss you – oh god, I'm so sorry for that! I'll never do that again if you just spare me this one-

“Ah, good evening Larythzza.”

You. Officially. Suck.

She thought about what she told Chan that same evening. She should have sacrificed those lambs. Because now- now she was staring at the incarnation of a black haired Adonis who was wearing a low v-cut shirt that made his figure look absolutely ravishing. She felt like the cool night suddenly got replaced by the Arabian summer. Her cheeks burned with sudden embarrassment as he hugged her and kissed her cheek like any gentleman should. She giggled.

“Hmm, what's wrong Lary?”

Huh?

“Oh! Um, nothing. You just reminded me of how my cousin looked like... at his... his... high school graduation.” She felt her face go from mild embarrassment to fool blown shame. She opened her mouth, about to correct herself and at least inform him that her cousin was very handsome. But her reply was cut short with his booming laughter. She just smiled.

That's right Lary, just fuck this over.

“You're so cute.”

Or not.

When they were both safely seated, he started the car and looked over at her. She felt like she was being recorded by cameras and that she was taking part in a romantic scene. He made her feel like she was the main protagonist of his life. It was bizarre. She was so used to Seungho's way of driving a car. Normally, when he started the car, he would have this absolute face of concentration. It was so adorable, because he'd finally get the car out of the parking space and finally, finally, acknowledge her; even though he never took his eyes from the road. She would joke around about it. Sometimes she'd squeal and tell him to watch out for the poor dog that just crossed the street. She could still remember the way he spooked and veered left, almost colliding into a car. At first, he didn't find it funny, until somehow he finally laughed and grumbled something about getting back.

But Rain was different. He would turn on the car and stare at her while doing it. Then, while he was driving, he'd constantly turn to her and glance at her. It was uncomfortable. She felt even more self-conscious. It didn't help that he'd just drive with one hand and rub his chin with the other while looking at her. It was, with all honesty, getting her real anxious. And it took her more will than she'll ever admit to not bite her fingernails. She needed to distract him before he drilled a hole into her forehead with his stare.

“Where are we going?”

“Oh, you'll see.” His sultry voice was too much and she felt her stomach clench. This was even more uncomfortable than she thought. All she could manage was a mediocre smile. Yet, her smile completely died when she saw a familiar restaurant logo illuminate the street they were approaching.

“You... like Mexican food.” She didn't know if that was a question or a statement. All she knew was that the color on her face was going from tomato to bleach.

“Is that a problem?” He glanced at her and gave her a troubled smile. “I didn't know what kind of food you liked, so I assumed you liked Mexican food.” He looked sincerely worried, so Lary smiled at told him that it was okay. But really, it just made everything even more fucking awkward.

Way to go, God. Way to fucking go.

The fact that she tripped and landed on Rain while she exited the car didn't help. Feeling his arms as she tried to regain her balance didn't help. His low chuckle didn't help. And her blush just pretty much fucked it all over.

“Come on, we have a reservation at nine.” His amusement was more than evident, but he didn't comment on it any further. In fact, he was chivalrous enough to lead her into the restaurant. It all felt like everything she had wished at the age of seventeen. And yet, it didn't feel as good as she thought it would. If she was anything, she was honest, and at that moment she was openly ogling his rear because damn it that was the most she deserved in situations like these.

When she sat down on the table -which already has the champagne waiting for crying out loud- and she noticed all the open stares she received, she could pretty much picture the headline of the magazines tomorrow. She wanted to crawl into a hole. Not even Rain's reassuring smile could reassure her. The ordeal simply tripled when he started to ask her questions. And the tell-tale flash of lights that she could've sworn she saw.

“What do you think about the Korean government?” He took a decent sip from his champagne.

She downed it all with one gulp.

Are you fucking kidding me?

“It's... okay.”

They were both waiting for their respective orders to arrive. Lary had ordered some enchiladas, while Rain played it safe with some meat. She was getting awfully nervous with the questions Rain started to throw at her. They ranged from politics to her infancy pet.

“Favorite color?”

“Uh... blue?”

They didn't, for a fact, have enough champagne to drown her confusion.

“Where did you grow up?”

“Mexico. You?”

He hummed. “Not telling. Next question, are you an MBLAQ fan?”

“I didn't know what it was until they... you... hired me.” She felt partially embarrassed by that. Rain simply smiled.

“I do hope my slaves didn't bother you that much.”

She choked on her drink.

“I heard what Joon did. Not much of a gentleman, right?” He was slicing up another piece of meat, while Lary tried to breathe. “Don't worry, I took my time to punish him for that.”

Sweet mother of god.

She felt her face go blank. There were many methods of punishment racing through her mind, but one involving no shirts and ropes was teasing her terribly.

“Er.... punishment?”

Play it smooth.

“Yes, I had to call him into my office.”

Real smooth.

“Well, the rest I can't say. But rest assured, he won't repeat that incident any time soon.” He winked.

He fucking winked.

GodIfuckingloveyourightnowohgodmyovaries.

Finally, when they reached dessert and Lary was on her nerve's ends with all the stupid questions he asked. But perhaps she spoke a bit too soon. “I was wondering, where do you see yourself in five years?” He wiped his mouth and stared at her expectantly.

“I'm sorry Rain.” He had awfully insisted her to not call him mister or anything formal. It made everything a little bit more awkward. “But this sounds like an interview.” She tried to make it sound like a harmless joke by laughing at the end.

“Ah, and what if it was?” He laughed, too. But it somehow didn't go along with that serious stare he was giving her.

Wait what?

He chuckled and waited her to reply. She looked down at her ice cream. “An interview for what exactly?” She was starting to get angry and impatient. Sure, everything had been all laughs and giggles at the beginning, but after he started to question about her monthly income, her future dreams, and two of her most obnoxious habits, it just started to unnerve her.

“Larythzza.” He started.

“Call me Lary.” She insisted.

“Lary, if you don't mind me asking. What do you look for in a man?”

She gingerly put down her spoon. “You... you really want the list?”

He smiled brightly. “There's a list? Well, let's hear it.”

“Big, luscious lips, bright eyes, great laugh, tight body, great voice, sexy accent, and a good appe... tite... uh.” She suddenly noticed how Rain's smiled morphed into a full blown grin. Blood rushed to her face, and she wanted to swallow every single word she said. Instead of blabbering that list, she simply could have said Seungho's name. She was so embarrassed.

“That really sounds familiar.”

She felt her blush triple. Rain, pushing aside all his quirks and weird questions, was a very nice guy. But she couldn't see herself past the point of kissing. Or groping. And she had to be real here, she wasn't a sixteen hormonal controlled girl that could base a whole relationship on physical attraction. He was definitely not a friend. Perhaps a known acquaintance that knew a lot -more than he should, actually- about herself. Yes, that described him perfectly.

“Rain?” She asked softly, looking at her plate and praying for all its worth that he wouldn't laugh and blow away her courage.

“Yes, Lary?”

She looked up at him and breathed in deeply. “I'm confused.”

He stared at her intently. “Actually, you should be.”

The fuck?

She decided to go all out on him. “You keep asking me these strange questions, and then you tell me this might be an interview, and this whole dinner is really, really, really confusing me.” It took her more effort than she'd ever admit to not curse.

“I thought Chan was going to tell you... Ah, well. It's time to be serious.” His carefree grin suddenly... dropped. All that was left was this strict face that reminded her of her teachers back in High school. It was, to say the least, overly intimidating. She felt her back go straight, tiny voices in her head screaming danger.

“Tell me what?” She was starting to get irritated. But underneath all of that, she was oddly scared.

Rain looked at her right in the eyes. “You're falling in love with one of my students.” She stopped breathing. “And you're not the first.”

What?

“He told me. I was the first to know. I didn't really punish Joon for kissing you, but for betraying a brother.” He paused for a brief moment. “I just wanted to make sure he wasn't being fooled. I've seen my boys suffer from a broken heart. I needed to see with my own eyes and really see if you were different.”

She certainly couldn't breathe.

“You're really sweet Lary, but I've been thinking. Can you really handle it? Can you really live and know the media will be behind your back every moment? Can you handle the lies that will be spread about you?” His merciless questions struck her one by one. Rain leaned back on his chair.

“Well, can you?”

She had no time to think, reason, or wonder. “I could, just for him.”

He narrowed his eyes.

“That's not good enough.”

She felt like crying. Her throat bubbled with anger and indignation and confusion. “Of course it is! How can it not be fucking good enough? Fuck... for him... I'd do the impossible.” She was getting angrier, her tears brimming with the sentiment. “I don't care what the fucking media will say, I don't care what the fans will think. They can go suck it for all I care. All I care is what he will think. In fact, I don't fucking care what you think.” Her breaths were deep and uneven, the back of her throat collapsing under an unnamed pressure. How dare him telling her that it wasn't enough.

And that's when he smiled.

“You really are what Seungho says.” He was back to his perfectly amiable way. She felt partially stupid for being all riled up. And at the same time, she was angry at him for being so chill. “Very different from the other girls.”

Other girls? She had to swallow back a few french words.

“Listen, Lary. And listen close.”

She looked at him in the eyes.

“Take care of him.”

With that, he gave her another dazzling smile and called for the check, not once giving her a chance to reply. She felt all kind of responses accumulate on the tip of her tongue. She finally gave up and decided she wanted to go home. After the waiter came back and told them to have a nice day, Rain stood up and waited for her.

“By the way, I deposited the check yesterday.” That sly grin definitely made her want to slap him on the shoulder and tell him a few colorful things. But she was a bit too confused to tell him properly. She simply thanked him and smiled, only to instantly frown when he headed towards the exit. She followed and looked down at his ass. Well, at least some part of him still remained equally charming.

“Oh! Lary, forgive me, but I won't be able to drop you off on your apartment.”

She blinked.

“I'm sorry.” He smiled sheepishly and hugged her quickly before stepping away and walking towards his car. “Don't worry, he'll drop you off instead.”

Wait, who's he?

She really wanted to kick his nut sack now. Well, not really. No. But she had no money, and she didn't even know how to get to her apartment from the restaurant. And she definitely did not know who 'he' was. She felt helpless. Even more while she observed how the car shrunk from her view and finally disappeared. She felt like crying all over again. He abandoned her, just like that.

It just made no fucking sense.

She turned towards the restaurant’s entrance, ready to ridicule herself and ask the manager for the taxi number, when she saw a man pacing back and forth on the side of the parking lot. She squinted at the silhouette and found it vaguely familiar. The man was grabbing his head with both his hands, his breaths coming out in uneven clouds. He caught sight of her and rushed right towards her. She immediately glanced at the restaurant and back at the figure.

She stared at him with owlish eyes.

“Se... seungho?”

He stared at her with sudden alarm.

“What did he say?”

“You're he?”

He was on the verge of having a panic attack now. “Lary, listen, please.” He was out of breath, his hair a tussled mess. “What did Rain say?”

She was too shocked to really understand anything. “That... you were going to drop me off?.”

“Only that?” He looked like he was about to loose his mind. “Nothing else? Shit. Shit.” She had never heard him swear, and her concern only tripled when she saw how he grabbed his hair and tried to articulate words that he did not have. She grabbed his shoulder and tried to calm him down, but he wasn't going to have any of that.

“Please, Seungho. Calm down.” He was looking everywhere but her eyes. And then, she remembered. Those ambigious words. “He told me... to take care of you.”

And that's when Seungho stopped fretting and fussing and worrying. That's when he looked at her with absolute joy and sheer happiness. That's when he grabbed her shoulders and hugged her until she had a hard time breathing. He was laughing, that beautiful sound echoing in her ears.

“He... he said yes!”

He grabbed her face as if she were made of porcelain, his eyes searching something he couldn't seem to find. “He said yes. He said... yes.” His cheeks were red from the cold, his hands like icicles, his breath a small gust of warmth on her cheeks. She tried to ask him what was happening, but she didn't get the chance.

He kissed her.

It was passionate and hard, and it made her feel like the world was collapsing and they only had ten seconds left of life. He pecked her lips again and again, laughing and caressing in between. He hugged her close, so close she could smell his favorite cologne, and held her there until his breathing calmed down.

“What did he say yes about?” Lary whispered against his shoulder, too scared to ruin the moment, but too confused to continue.

Seungho finally seemed to get himself together. He lightly pulled her away and traced a thumb across her flustered cheek. “Lary,” he said equally quiet, his puffed breath warming her lips and nose.

“Will you be mine?”

She stopped breathing and thinking and wondering. Her lips parted and her breath escaped with mute shock. She stared at him, her insides bubbling with a sensation she had never felt in her life. She felt tears gather at the corner of her eyes, and she chocked on her breaths. She never thought. She never thought that this.

“When haven't I been?” Her hiccup was small and quiet, her blubbered words enough to make him hug her closer and kiss her head. She felt too overwhelmed with nice feelings and happiness to talk, her joyous tears and heart-felt laughs muffled on his shoulder.

She wasn't confused anymore.