A Watercolor Life

“That’s pretty neat.”

No, no, no. Dear god, please no. Za learned one thing after suffering through a whole week with those boys, and that was that whenever someone talked to her while she was drawing, shit would start to get real. After she had to suffer through Seungho’s lecture on respect and self-control, she had opted to lock herself in a spare room in the studio and peacefully work under the shitty illumination. So far, she had avoided crisis perfectly. She even learned that if you stepped aside and pretended you were a wall, neither Chan or Mir would notice you. But this, she was not prepared for this.

“Hi, Joon.” She suddenly found that the shading around Thunder’s crotch was fascinating and in dire need of further inspection. She started to accentuate the shading, only to notice that she made it look like he had a boner. She slapped another sheet on it. “May I help you?”

That leering smile was definitely worth a moan or two, but she steeled herself. This was a test of self-control, and like Seungho depicted in his graphic demonstrations, she had to clench her thighs and say ‘no’ to his… to his… swaying hips. Who the fuck walks swaying their hips, oh no, she knew it. He was trying to seduce her, even if the notion was incredibly dumb, because who would ever want to seduce her and besides she had this terrible rash on her-

“Right. I need to breathe.” She lightly pulled away from the desk, dabbing her forehead with the back of her hand. Was it just her who was burning up alive, or what? Joon was like ice, cool iced lemonade just waiting to be drunk full. She wouldn’t mind, she actually liked- why was he leaning on the desk? Holy crap on a cracker.

“Joon?”

He licked his lower lip and mumbled a husky ‘hmmm?’ before trailing his fingers over the scattered sheets, unburying all of her sketches and lightly tapping an unfinished drawing. He easily lifted the sheet, his smirk splitting into a Cheshire grin. Za gave him an owlish stare, her fingers twitching and playing around with her short sleeve. He was appreciating the wide detail she placed into his abs, she knew. She also knew she wanted to grab a knife and end her humiliation. When his eyes looked back at her, she shrunk. Or attempted. Her body seemed to curl into itself, her breaths uneven and deep. This boy carved out of alabaster by the hands of gods itself, staring at her with such a seductive stare- she could not move, react, or even breathe. But even when her attraction ran deep within her mind, she felt panic rise in her throat. She didn’t want this. He was already circling around the desk.

“Don’t be shy.” His lips were slightly parted. “I won’t bite.”

She backed up.

“Unless you want me to.”

Her fingers curled around the chair behind her. She couldn’t feel anything but her pounding heart, her legs numb and unresponsive. He was too close. In fact, she had never had him this close. His rich cologne was confusing her mind, just like his almond eyes were drowning her.

“I think…” She couldn’t look at his face. “I think…”

His nose was on her neck, his fingers delicately trailing the back of her neck. She was breathing too deeply now, and her mind felt faint and muffled. Her pulse was right beneath his fingertips, and she softly groaned as he moved closer, his hand boldly grabbing her hip.

“What do you think, La-ryth-zza?” He kissed her neck, suddenly pulling her closer and nipping her collarbone. She felt a sigh escape her lips, but at the same time, she fisted his shirt and abruptly stopped him from getting closer. She could feel a sensation of wrongness crawl up her spine, and she had committed too many wrongs in life to ignore it.

“This isn’t…” He insisted with another nip. It instantly sent a shiver go down her body, but she responded by lightly shoving him. “Wrong. This is wrong.” Her breath hitched when he gingerly ran his lips over her jaw line, pressing them against her ear.

“Hmmm, what do you mean?” The way his lush lips moved against her ear made her want to stay and runaway all the same. “You want me. I want you.”

She was pressed against the wall.

“This isn’t wrong.”

She moaned when his fingers ran up her abdomen. He licked her neck and continued to kiss his way upwards.

“This – is- right.”

His lips rested against her ear again, his tantalizing breath softly whispering her seductive nothings. She couldn’t breathe. She needed out. And her breath ran short once she looked away in order to keep her lips away from his.

“I need to pee!”

She shoved him aside and bolted towards the door, shamelessly ripping it open and tearing down the hallway. Her pulse was pounding in her head, her breaths ragged and disheveled. She felt her legs scream with exertion, but at that point, she didn’t know what was what. Everything ached. Even her heart ached. In fact, that was the strongest ache of them all. That suffocating pressure that snaked around her chest and extended to her throat, spilling through her mouth and tears. She didn’t know why she was running. She didn’t know why she was crying. She didn’t know why she was hiding.

She just didn’t know why.

Her hands locked around the doorknob, and she shyly pushed the door open, peeking into the dark maintenance room and shutting herself in. In this room, she would hide until it was time to leave. In fact, she didn’t want to think about that. She just wanted to feel her knees comfortably snuggled against her cheek as her soft hiccups echoed around her. Nothing made sense. She had been on the verge of making out with a top pop idol and all she wanted was to bail. It was eating her alive.

Until she remembered.

She reached into her pocket, pulling out a wrinkled napkin with hastily written Korean words. It read: ‘Goodjob! Sleep well. See you tomorrow xoxox’. She cried even harder. What happened in that confined office was exactly what she had wanted for years and years. But it wasn’t right because he wasn’t there.

He wasn’t who she wanted him to be.