Have Faith in Me

It’d been a year since Jack went missing. The police still haven’t found whoever did it, and everyday Alex’s getting worse. Every now and again, he can’t help but lay in bed all day and cry. He misses his lover. All of his friends try to look happy, but down inside they’re the same as Alex. Just, they try to contain it more. Jack was all of their best friends, more to Alex though.

They’d been together for a little bit over two years the day he went missing. If Jack wanted to he could recite everything that happened that day. He stares at the picture beside his bed, their bed. Never, will Alex ever lay on Jack’s side of the bed. One day, he’s going to give in. Just to smell his scent again, if there is any left. Alex never goes near his bureau, because if he did he’d just get lost in it all.

Jack had missed out on so much. Alex has dyed his hair so many times, so many colors. He just wants to wake up from this dream, with Jack holding him. Sadly, they wouldn’t happen because this is reality. Alex thought that dying his hair would wake him from this dream, it didn’t. Now he’s stuck with purple locks on his head. He liked it, he just wishes Jack could see it.

The band, broke up obviously. No one could ever replace Jack. When Alex, well Alex didn’t tell the fans. Matt did. It was his job, no matter how much it hurt him to do it. By the time he was done explaining, he was in tears, and so was most of everyone else in the near vicinity. If only he could come back, which is less than likely. The thought made Alex even more miserable, the ache in his heart to grow stronger.

Rian, Zack, Matt and pretty much the rest of the crew were worried for Alex. Rian couldn’t imagine if Cassadee disappeared and never showed back up. Alex thought that about Jack, until it actually happened. Today, would probably be the worst day of his life with what’s coming next.

All the sudden, he hears a phone call, and he sees the caller I.D. It says Rian. Well, it can’t be that bad if it’s only Rian, he thinks. He answers the phone with a quiet hello, and hears Rian sigh through the other line.

“Matt called a meeting at his house, for all of us. So, you should stop moping around and get up and be active.” sometimes Rian can be so insensitive, and right now it wasn’t a good time for his insensitivity.

“How would you like it if Cass went missing for a fucking YEAR?” he didn’t even give Rian time to reply and just cut him right off. “Exactly. You wouldn’t be happy, so I’d shut up before my temper runs out.” Alex breathes out, he’s gotten very snappy lately. Maybe it has to do with Jack being missing or…just mood changes. He got his man period? Alex really has no idea, and doesn’t really care because all he wants is his lover back.

“Ok, ok. Well I’ll see you there Alex.” he can tell that Rian is only worried and trying to care about him, but it really wasn’t coming off that way. It was just coming out bitchy, which wasn’t helping the situation. The boy figures that he should get a shower because he probably hasn’t gotten one in a week or two. Yeah, disgusting, he knows. But why do you need showers or looking nice when you have nowhere to go? No one to please?

Alex sets his iPhone down on his cerulean bedspread and sighs. He had to do this sometime. So he climbs out of his bed and feels the ache in his bones, and cracks them immediately. After cracking all the bones possible, he saunters over to his bathroom and turns on the light. It blinds him for a few seconds, but he adjusts quickly. Looking in the mirror, he looks like utter and complete shit. Also lately he’s been hard on himself. Blaming himself for Jack’s sudden disappearance. His cheeks look hollow, deep purple bags under his eyes. Messy purple locks sticking out everywhere on his head, and his eyebrows were starting to look like obese caterpillars, not the regular caterpillar shape they usually have. But as he said before, who does he have to look exquisite for?

Thinking back to the odd color of his sheets. Jack had picked them out, he loved the color blue. And he gave into his pleads to get the weirdly named color.

“Can we PLEASE get the cerulean blue bedspread?!” Jack whined, giving Alex his puppy dog eyes. Now, who could resist his puppy dog eyes? Well, at least the older boy couldn’t.

Fine, but you’re designing the whole room then.” the younger boy’s eyes light up with pleasure, knowing that he won this time. But in reality, Alex really didn’t care what color the sheets for his bed were. It was only his bed…plus it was a nice color anyway, he thought to himself.

“Will do! You know me. I love designing things.” it was no wonder he was gay. Flamboyant. Now, Alex may be gay, but he was a, per say “manly gay”. Jack, on the other hand, was just flaming. Outright GAY. But hey, he loved the kid with all his heart.

The steam from the shower that he put on snapped the boy back into reality. Smiling softly at the memory, he undressed and stepped into the shower. He recalled that he had about two hours before he had to be at Matt’s, so he was going to take his time with this. Once the what felt like boiling water hit Alex, his body shivered and convulsed slightly, but seconds later his body was used to the temperature.

After he shampooed his hair with about three different shampoos, and conditioners, he turned off the water and grabbed his white fluffy towel from the bar that holds the also cerulean blue shower curtain. Alex swears the kid was obsessed with that color…no he just is.

For once, the boy actually didn't know what to wear. Something from Glamour Kills or...he really didn't care. He could look like shit around his friends and they wouldn't even care. So he just put on a pair of sweatpants, a random GK shirt and some Adidas flip flops. His hair, he also didn't really care about either. There had to be some bad news if there was a meeting that everybody had to be at. So why even bother straightening the purple hair, when it'll probably just get ruined anyway.

He'd taken forever with his shower, so now he only had about an hour left until he had to be at Matt's. There's nothing better to do so he goes over to his lime green MacBook. The case was lime green at least. And that was one thing that Jack didn't get in his favorite color. After logging on he signs on to twitter, which greets him with about a couple hundred, maybe thousand of mentions and he doesn't even wanna look at the DM’s. Then he goes to Jack's twitter. Which hadn't been updated in over a year. A lump begins to form deep in his throat and a stinging behind his eyes. This happens a lot lately so it was nothing new. "Why Jack?!" he questions himself quietly, feeling the first warm tear run down his pale cheek. "He did nothing wrong, and some jackass had to take him" this is also usual. The older boy starts out miserable but then it just turns to pure anger. He always questions himself what did Jack do to deserve this? What was SO terrible? Absolutely nothing.

The boy sighs and quickly exits twitter not even bothering to update the fans. Selfish, yeah. But they don't know how Alex feels. Heartbroken and alone. That was pretty much pointless and only used up about 15 minutes of that hour. So he figures he’ll go over to Rian’s and see what he’s up to. The boy forces himself to get up, drag himself to get his jacket and car keys and trudges to the door. His car hadn’t been started in forever, and he’s pretty sure that it’d been collecting dirt and dust. The guys usually come over to his house and seem him, so Alex is lucky he doesn’t have to move anywhere. After running a finger along the hood of the dusty car, he gets in and turns on the ignition. Rian had just moved out of his house recently, so he had to go to Rian’s new condo. It wasn’t that far of a journey so he made it in a few minutes.

When he gets to the door he goes to knock, but then remembers that Rian gave him a key so he casually lets himself in the door. But then he hears an odd noise come from what seems like Rian’s bedroom. It kind of sounds like quiet crying…was Cassadee over or…he doesn’t seem like the one to cry. Alex quietly tiptoes to the younger boy’s room, to only be greeted by Rian faced down on his bed. Indeed he was crying. Only a few times before had he seen him cry, so this was a new thing for him.

“Err…Rian are you okay bro?” the purple haired boy pipes up, biting his lip. Rian quickly sits up and wipes his eyes, trying to make it look like he hadn’t been crying. “No.” from that simple word, his voice cracks and lip trembles, and newly formed tears fall down his face. Alex quickly sits down next to Rian and puts his arm around his shoulder. Rian had ALWAYS been Alex’s shoulder to cry on, his support whenever he’d needed it. Now it was time for Alex to return the favor. “I miss him…so much Alex you don’t even know.” he says, quiet sobs racking his voice. That just made him crack, he couldn’t handle it anymore. Seeing his best friend so torn apart over this, and what he’d been holding in for so long.
“I can’t deal Rian. I fucking CAN’T. Without Jack I’m useless. He was my everything. And still is. Why can’t he come home?!” soon enough there were rivers of tears falling from Alex’s face onto Rian’s tan comforter. He really did feel pathetic for crying so much, but he really can’t help it. By now Rian had stopped crying, the only remains were his red, blotchy eyes and his stained shirt. The younger boy pouted at Alex and pulled him closer, letting him cry into his chest.

“I know he meant everything to you, Alex.” he sighs and puts his arms fully around the older boy and puts his head on Alex’s. “We’ll make it, and we can do this together.” Rian kisses the top of Alex’s head and the boy smiles softly through his tears. Other than Jack being the closest to Alex, Rian had always been the second closest.

“Well I say let’s go to Matt’s and see what this whole thing is about, yeah?” Alex says once he calms down a bit. There’s a look of worry on Rian’s face but it’s gone too quick for Alex to make something of it or ask why.

They decide to go in Alex’s car, when Rian gets in the passenger seat he slumps down and rubs his temples. Alex never realized how much this was affecting the younger boy too. He just never liked to show his emotional side, when Alex on the other hand really didn’t care. All he cared about, of course Jack coming back. But there’s a sick feeling in the bottom of his stomach driving to Matt’s house. Not sick like throwing up, but that feeling that something’s going to go wrong.

Finally, after what seemed like forever to the both of them, the two boys made it to Matt’s house. On the way the silence wasn’t so much awkward, but comfortable. They were both thinking of Jack and what was going to go on at Matt’s. Cars are parked everywhere, in his driveway, on the side of the road. “What the fuck Matt.” Alex whispers to himself quietly, whilst trying to find somewhere legal to park. He can hear Rian chuckle to himself, and points to somewhere that he could park the Escalade.

Once they both get out of the black car, the taller of the two sighs, because he really doesn’t want to face what’s going to happen. Why does Alex always hope for the worst? It sucks being a pessimist. He didn’t think that THIS many people would be here. Well it was the crew included, so, he should be expecting it.

Unexpectedly, Matt greets them at the door with red, tear filled eyes. Thus proving Alex’s bad expectations of this meeting. “You guys should come in.” he says quietly, his lips an unmoving line. The three walk in, seeing everyone scattered on the floor and Matt’s couches. After getting settled in, Matt begins to talk. Rian guesses that they were the last to arrive, so it would be good that they didn’t have to wait. The anticipation was getting to the two boys.

“So, I’ve all gathered you here to tell you some updates with the Jack situation.” he takes a big gulp, his lip quivering and eyes refilling with tears. “The detective in charge of the case, Dr. McKinnon, told us they found Jack’s body in Calvert Cliffs State Park. H-He said it looked like Jack…his throat was slit.” at those words, everyone stayed silent. Impassive looks graced all their faces, and Alex couldn’t even cry anymore. The urge was growing, and he couldn’t suppress the feeling this time. Ever since Jack went missing, he had been over coming with a horrible addiction. Cutting. No one knew, well that Alex knew of, and didn’t plan on telling anybody. Yeah, it hurt his health. But it made him feel better, all his pain go away. He kept a razorblade in his wallet at all times, just in case. For times like this.

Rian is blinking back tears. Zack can’t even form any words. Matt has his head in his hands, crying. Danny, Evan, Grieco and the rest are sitting there with dumbfounded looks on their faces. The silence, other than Matt’s quiet uncontrollable sobs, it’s making Alex go crazy. He can’t take it anymore and runs to Matt’s bathroom, that was in his bedroom. Hopefully no one would come and try and find him, because he didn’t want them finding out about his cutting issue. It’s creepy having to see all the Mickey Mouse stuffed animals everywhere, but at this moment he really, REALLY didn’t give a shit. Alex was just told that his boyfriend, best friend, lover was dead. And never coming back.

That thought just makes him break down, tears finally streaming down his face once he makes it into the light green bathroom. He stares at himself crying in the mirror, his lips turn down into a frown, trembling. Was Jack really dead? How could he leave Alex. He didn’t mean to, of course, but it wasn’t fair. Why would they take Jack?! Why would the killer take Alex instead, he really wouldn’t mind being dead right now. He could be with Jack if he were dead. But Jack wouldn’t want that. He’d want Alex to continue on, living in Jack’s memory. Not to be depressed all the time. To smile at all the good times they had together, not that he was gone.

With shaking hands, he takes out the blade from his wallet. The boy knows he shouldn’t be doing this, but he can’t help it. He couldn’t ignore the urge this time, it was too strong to handle or go away. Red scars were all the way down his arm, some recent and some old. Sadly, the most recent cuts were from a few days ago. Apart from the loud sounds of his sobbing, he hears the doorknob turn as he makes the first deep cut, a trail of crimson blood following.

He’d let whoever was coming into the bathroom catch him. The care wasn’t in his mind at all. Dragging the blade over his skin became a subconscious thought for Alex. A loud gasp was heard throughout the air, and he finally opens his eyes to be greeted by Evan. “Alex!” he says loudly, immediately falling to his knees to stare into his eyes.

“Why’re you doing this to yourself?!” he just shrugs in response, more tears falling down his face at a steady pace. “Someone told me to go find you because the crying was so loud, they didn’t want you to hurt yourself. And you are…look I understand this is hard for you. This is hard for ALL of us. We may not show it, but we’re most definitely feeling it.” Evan starts to get choked up at his own words, but he quickly blinks back his tears, he will remain the only calm, not in tears person at Matt’s house. “Please, stop, you can’t hurt yourself anymore. I’m pretty sure Jack wouldn’t want you doing this, would he?” Alex knows that Jack wouldn’t want that for him, so he drops the blade to the floor and puts his head in his hands. He feels Evan put a comforting arm on his shoulder while he cries to himself. “How about we clean your cuts up?” the younger boy suggests, his voice barely above a whisper. This time Alex nods, pushing himself up off of the ground to meet his glum image in the mirror. His face was red and blotchy, tear trails marking his face. Blood was dripping off of Alex’s arm, he would apologize to Matt about his crimson stained rug later. Evan takes the older boy’s left arm in his hands, and looks up and down his arm. For a bit he just stares, before looking up and asking how long had he been doing this to himself.

“Since Jack had been missing. There’s more on my other arm, and on my thighs.” Alex says shamefully, his voice cracking. Evan just smiles weakly at him, as a thank you for telling him, because he didn’t expect him to tell. After cleaning his arm up and bandaging it, the two boys walk down to the living room, to be greeted with people with their head in their hands, faces pushed into pillows or crying on each other’s shoulders. It was sad how hard they were all taking it. Alex knew this day would come but he didn’t know this soon.

Weeks later, it was Jack’s funeral. Alex didn’t bother wearing anything fancy, only to wear a shirt from Jack’s clothing line, skinny jeans and Nikes. He styled his hair no differently than he would when he’d be on stage, so it was like a normal day. But not really. He had a plan to sing today, so he was bringing along his acoustic guitar, Faith. Yes he named his guitar Faith. There would be a viewing, and Alex suggested to put the younger boy in what he’d usually wear, not some fancy tux. Even if Jack was flaming, he didn’t like fancy things.

The song he chose was Have Faith In Me by A Day To Remember. He called up Jeremy to see if it would be cool if he sang it at Jack’s funeral, and without hesitation he said yes. Alex felt bad without asking to sing it, so he had to make sure it was ok with the band.

There were many people in tears at the funeral, it’s to be expected. His mum was absolutely devastated, May was in tears and Joe was her shoulder to cry onto. He smiled sympathetically in his way, and he smiled back at the boy weakly. It was about to start, so Alex made his way to the front of the church and sat down in his seat next to Evan, Rian on his other side. Since the incident at Matt’s house, he and Evan had grown considerably closer.

“We’ve gathered here on this dreary day because of this young man’s death, Jack Bassam Barakat. He was a loved boy, was in a band All Time Low. He has two loving siblings and a wonderful mother. It’s sad to see him leave, but it was his time.” the priest says into the microphone, standing in front of the casket. Alex can hear Jack’s mum crying very loudly, not even caring. “Would anyone like to say any words about this lovely young man?” the old man with graying hair says. In return Alex raises his hand, and stands up. Matt hands him Faith, and goes up to the stool that was just provided for him to sit on.

“Jack had always been my best friend. Since we met, we were inseparable. I was a new kid, and he welcomed me with open arms. I was the first person he came out to, and he was the first person I came out to. He was my first everything, and I believe I was his first everything too.” people in the crowd awed through their tears, but he continued on with his speech. “He was my lover, boyfriend, best friend, the best brother anybody could have. I miss him, and I…I love h-him so much. Here’s a song, Have Faith In Me, by a band called A Day To Remember. This one’s for you Jack.” Alex says, taking a deep breath and starts to strum the beginning notes to the song.

“Have faith in me
Cause there are things that I've seen I don't believe
So cling to what you know and never let go
You should know things aren't always what they seem

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

I'm going crazy
Cause there are things in the streets I don't believe
So we'll pretend it's alright (pretend it's alright)
and stay in for the night
Oh what a world
I'll keep you safe here with me (with me)

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

They've got me on the outside, looking in
But I can't see at all
With the weight of the world on my shoulders,
They just wanna see me fall

They've got me on the outside, looking in
But I can't see at all
With the weight of the world on my shoulders,
They just wanna see me fall

Have faith in me

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did (Go, Did)
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it (Fall, Meant It)
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you go, and I never did”

By the time he was finished, there were tears all over his midnight blue guitar, and everyone was smiling at him. Everyone was clapping, and then stood up. “Thank you.” Alex says into the microphone and wipes his eyes with the hem of his shirt.

“You did it, bro.” Evan says, coming up to him, smiling. Alex just smiles back and quietly says I know, and set Faith down in her case on the floor. The boys walk back to their seat and watch the rest of the ceremony. It was finally time to put Jack to rest. When they got to the burial site, Alex took a deep breath. This was it, he thinks. In the next few minutes, he would be in the ground.

The ground keepers slowly lower Jack and his casket into the ground, while the priest says some last words. “I love you, Jacky baby.” Alex whispers, throwing red roses into the deep hole where Jack laid. He finally felt closure, knowing he was safely buried in the ground, six feet under. Alex smiles and turns around, thinking and knowing Jack would always be with him, that the younger boy would always love him. Jack would want Alex to move on with his life happily, and that’s just what Alex was going to do.