Social Suicide

The elevator reached the floor they were headed to with a bit of a jerk. Billie had been lost in thought and the jolt of the floor somehow got him so off balance that he had to grab for a hold on the wall to keep himself standing.

"You okay?" Wes asked.

"Yeah." He blinked a few times and readjusted his bag on his shoulder and switched the handle of his rolling bag to his other hand. He didn't make eye contact with him. "I just need some more sleep."

"How'd you end up asleep on the couch up front anyway?" Tre asked from where he was leaning against the wall in the back of the group.

"I woke up early and was going to talk to Mike, but he got on the phone so I closed my eyes and woke up when the bus pulled up here."

"Worried about the LA shows?" Tre asked, "You know LA loves us."

"No," Billie said and scratched his face. He needed to shave, but he knew he'd get a chance to in a minute. He'd have a whole half-hour to take a shower and get breakfast before they had to get to some interviews. He couldn't believe that it was only six am. He needed more sleep.

The hallway on the floor that they were on went out to the left and the right. Billie paused once outside, knowing that most of the floor was probably reserved for their group. "Where am I?" He asked Wes.

"Hopefully you know where you are, or you're in bigger trouble than I thought," Wes said with a laugh.

"Come on," He said, "I'm not in the mood to play games. Where the hell is my room?"

"At the end of the hallway," Wes said.

"Thanks," Billie mumbled and started down the hallway with the others.

An elbow in his ribs got his attention as they walked off the elevator and down the hall. "Billie, you have a visitor," Mike's voice said from next to him.

At the end of the hallway, next to a room door sat Jackie, Indian-style on the floor listening to a Walkman. She didn't see him and it gave him a perfect opportunity to watch her. Her head rocked along to the music as she sat sprawled out in jeans and a T-shirt. Her bag was next to her on the floor, an arm thrown over it and her hand was tapping out the beat played from the drum.

She looked so relaxed and happy and he wondered if he could keep up the act for her. He needed her to know that he was glad that she was there, although part of him truly wished that he could run away from there.

When she finally saw him she looked up and smiled at him. She pushed herself off the floor, taking the headphones from her ears and stepped towards him, waving to Wes over Billie's shoulder.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

She bit on her lip nervously and if he didn't know better he thought he saw tears form in her eyes. She didn't usually get emotional and he wondered why she would look so sad all of a sudden. He realized it then. His voice had come out all wrong. He hadn't meant to sound like he was dreading the fact that she was there early, although he really was worried about her being there.

"I thought that our plan was still on for me to come out here and visit you for a few days." Her voice shook and he wanted to grab her up and hug her, but he knew that that kind of outburst wasn't going to work well for him.

"No, no," he said. His hands left his bag and the other bag slid to the ground. He approached her and slid his arms around her easily not wanting to make a bigger deal of things. He hugged her, but it almost felt unnatural to do so. He felt tears come to his eyes, not because he was glad to see her, but because he felt horrible, like he was cheating on her. He had tried to be faithful to her, but he felt that even thinking about someone else constituted cheating in his eyes.

"I mean what are you doing here so soon? I thought you weren't coming until lunch time?"

"Well I couldn't wait so I came out on the flight last night." She seemed really happy to see him and he felt horrible for not being so excited to see her. "I got to the hotel about two hours ago."

"Why didn't you go in?" he asked looking at the door.

She laughed. "Next time I'll know to show up when you do."

"What happened?" He asked, "Was someone rude to you or something?"

"No, but I actually had to sneak up here. They wouldn't let me up on the elevator since your security crew hadn't arrived yet so I had to bribe some hotel staff member to let me sit up here and wait for you."

Billie looked down the hall and saw that everyone was already in their rooms, where he should have been. He looked at his watch then up at her. "That's not a good start to your career Miss Lawyer."

"Whatever Rockstar," she said and hugged him tightly.

Billie gave her a side-look. He began to feel his heart drop even more from feeling guilty. Willa had always called him that.

"Ready to go in?" he asked.

"Yeah," she said and grabbed up her bag.

"I hate to run out on you," Billie said as he stuck the key in the door. "But I have an interview and only have a half hour so why don't you take a nap or something and we can meet up later. I think Sarah is going to come by later so you can wait around here and catch a ride with her over to the venue this afternoon. I told you the schedule for the show didn't I?"

"Yeah, it should be the same as the last show I went to right?"

"Uh, yeah." He remembered back to the last show she'd been to. It had been a while, but the schedule during show days was always basically the same. They did interviews in the morning, a sound check, a meet and greet then the show then back to the hotel or a party afterwards.

"I'll call up Sarah a little later and make plans with her and I'll jump in the shower after you leave."

"Sounds good to me," he said, "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

"Yeah. Of course. I know that your schedule is crazy and I don't want you to change up your day just for me. I'll see you tonight after the show I'm sure."

They went into the hotel room and Billie immediately threw his bag on the bed and unzipped the bag and pulled out his shaving kit and his shampoo and stuff. He watched her throw her bag onto the bed next to his then she sat down on the queen-sized bed and slid out of her shoes.

"Have fun, I'll be back in a minute."

"Don't worry about me. I know that I'm early and I came prepared," she said and pulled a book out of her bag.

"What are you reading now?" he asked.

She looked at the cover of the book then looked at him, showing him the book like she was Vanna White. "It's the history of Ruppik, Miller, and Vincent's firm."

"What?" His eyes went wide and tried to remember if those names sounded familiar. He'd heard her talk so much about firm names that she'd applied with that it was hard to keep them all straight.

"I got the job I applied for," she said.

"Really? The one in Connecticut?" he asked and dropped his things onto the bed. "When did you get your results back?"

"The firm did a rush order on the results. They called me last night and that's why I got on the plane earlier. I couldn't wait to come out here and tell you."

He scooped her up into a hug. "I'm so proud of you sweetie."

"Thank you," she said and kissed him. "This does mean though that I'm going to be a little busy. You're not going to be the only business one in this family. I told them that I needed some time off to be with you, but I'm going to start work at the end of the month."

"So you're going to be in Connecticut?" he asked with a sigh. Somehow he didn't like the way she used the word family. He knew that she was joking around with her comment, but he didn't feel like she should be using that word that far into their relationship. It wasn't right.

"Well yeah," she said then frowned. "Go take a shower and get going. We can talk about this later."

"You sure?" he asked.

"Yeah. You need to go," she said.

"I'll be out in a minute and we can make plans for tonight."

"Sounds good to me."

*****

"Where is your jacket young lady? Did you even bring a jacket?" Spanky asked as they were heading out the door.

"No," she said. She wore long pants, running shoes and a T-shirt over her bulging stomach. She wanted to look good for her reemergence into Billie's life, but she felt ugly no matter what she did or how she dressed and wearing a jacket just would make her look frumpier.

"Willa." His tone was accusing as if she knew better, but wasn't following up to the orders she'd been given earlier about wearing warm clothes.

He'd given her a lecture that morning about minding him that afternoon. He'd told her that if he thought that things were getting out of hand that he was going to pack her up and take her home. He said he didn't want any protest if it came to that and she promised that she would follow his orders and take care of herself the way he wanted her to.

"What do you want me to do?" she asked. She waved her hands up and down along her body. "None of my jackets fit me anymore. I mean look at me. I'm as big as a house. Besides, it's not that cold."

A laugh filled the air, "Honey, you're pregnant, not fat."

"I've never been this big before," she said looking down at her stomach. "I shouldn't have ever let myself get pregnant."

"That's horrible to say Willa."

"No it's not," she said, "Look what it's gotten me. I'm alone with no chance of modeling again."

"You've always got me," he said.

Willa blinked. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. I know you've been a big help to me, but I wish Billie was here."

She began to break down and to crazy and Spanky tried to change the subject by sliding a hand down her bare arm. "You already have goose bumps. I'll get you one of my jackets...and I expect that you will wear it," he said. He handed her keys to the car and said, "Wait for me out there okay?"

"Yeah," she rolled her eyes, "Like I'd dream of driving away without you."

Spanky seemed to humor her strange mood and didn't make a comment back to her, although she could see him itching to do it. When she hadn't been pregnant he would come back at her with comments, but in her condition he seemed to think that he couldn't talk or joke with her the way he previously had. "Can you get in the front seat by yourself?"

"Yes Spanky." She patted him on the shoulder and shoved him back into the house. "I'll be fine out here for a few minutes on my own. My belly and I can get in the car alone."

"You sure?"

"Yes," she said and started down the pathway to the driveway. The car was already out of the garage and waiting in the driveway since Willa couldn't get into the thing when it was in the tight fitting space where the car was kept at night.
"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" a voice said.

"Jesus!" Willa said covering her heart with her hand. She hadn't expected anyone to be there. Most of the neighbors kept to themselves and no one usually bothered her when she went out of the house in the mornings.

"Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you like that."

"What are you doing here Brennan?" she asked pushing her sunglasses up further on her nose as she walked down towards the car. She saw his car on the street and couldn't believe that he had the nerve to come over and talk to her. The last time they'd seen each other she'd made it clear to him that she didn't want him around her, but he didn't seem to get the message.

She glanced over her shoulder to see where Spanky was. It had become an action that was normal for her. Whenever she was outside of the house she looked for him and made sure that he was in earshot if not at arm's length. She knew he was coming out right after her so she didn't worry about facing Brennan alone, but he still made her nervous.

He tried to look calm, but she could see him looking over her shoulder as he approached her. "I thought I'd come over and say hello to you and my future child." His smile could curdle milk it was so sour looking. She cringed and thanked god that the kid really wasn't his. She didn't need that kind of torture in her life.
His hand reached out for her stomach and she pushed it away angrily.

"Don't do that!" she yelled, "Brennan you know full well that this kid isn't yours. I've told you time and again that I don't like you coming around here."

"What's going on out here?" Spanky said walking up. He puffed out his chest a little and she watched him trying to look meaner than he usually was.

"Nothing," Brennan said. She'd never seen him look as scared as he was right then. He even backed away from her a few feet when Spanky walked up.

"Then if nothing is going on I suggest you leave."

"You'll be sorry for this," he said and backed away when Spanky took a step towards him. "I mean it Willa. Billie isn't going to come and save you this time. I know that he hasn't talked to you since you told him you were pregnant. He's not going to swing in like a prince charming and save you."

"I don't need to be saved!" she screamed at him as her arm came around and protectively held her stomach. Tears welled up in her eyes as she prayed that what he'd said wouldn't come true. She needed Billie and she needed him to save her a little. Even if he didn't take full care of her she needed to know that he would be there if she called. "I don't need anyone's saving!"

"Come on sweetie, get in the car and let's get out of here." He put an arm around her and led her towards the door. She nodded and wiped her face as he led her there.

Spanky helped her into her seat, making sure she was buckled up then slid his black jacket that he'd gotten for her over her lap. "Calm down hon. It's not good for you."

"Leave me alone," she said sadly.

"Hey now," Spanky said with a firm tone, "Just because that asshole showed up doesn't mean you can talk to my like that."

"Screw you Spanky," she said angrily. "I need to be angry about this. I need him to know that it upsets me when he comes around and I don't need you acting like a parent to me all the time. I have two and that's all I need right now."

"Jesus," he sighed and shut her into the car.

Willa watched him walk around the front of the car then waited as he crawled in beside her before he started the SUV and put it in reverse. His silence was killing her.

"I'm sorry," she finally said as they got onto the freeway and got stuck in traffic heading south towards the city.

"Willa, it's okay," he said and patted her leg. "I know that this is all really stressful for you, but you have to remember, I'm not here to try to trick you or hurt you. I was hired to protect you and now I'm sticking around because you've become my friend. I don't expect us to be buddy-buddy, but I do care about you a lot and I worry about you so humor me a little when I try to take care of you. Okay?"

"I'm just tired of being babied," she said. "When I first met Billie I was this tough girl who didn't let anything bother me and now it seems like I can't go through anything without bursting into tears or needing someone to lean on. It's a horrible feeling and I hate it."

"Willa, it's okay to lean on people some times."

Spanky's voice really had been a comforting thing for her in the past few months, but now he seemed annoying. She wanted to believe that what he said was true, but she also knew that she was tired of leaning on people so much. She needed to have a tough attitude if she was going to get through all this, especially today and dealing with Billie.

"You have to know that no one gets through the day without needing someone else."

"Yeah well I'd love to say that I don't need anyone," she sighed, "but the truth is that I do. I just hate to be too over dependent on just one person."

"I think once you settle this stuff with Billie you'll feel a lot better. You need to get that off your mind so you can deal with everything else."

"I need to not only get that off my mind, but get him out of my life."

"If you tell him that this kid is his, I don't think that he's going to walk away from you. He may be stupid when it comes to certain things, but family isn't something he takes lightly."

"Well I don't want to be his family. I just want him to know." She stared out the window at the slow traffic and bounced her leg a little trying to get the tension out of her system. She didn't need this stress right now. It was hard enough just to get through the day.

One thing was for sure that day for Willa. Billie Joe Armstrong was causing more trouble than she thought he might be worth.

*****

Spanky called Wes on his cell phone when they went to park the car. Traffic had been crazy around the coliseum, but at the security gate Spanky explained who they were and they were let into the parking lot and told to drive to the next security gate where they would get a special parking pass.

After a short walk across the already half full back parking lot Willa and Spanky were escorted to the backstage area of the coliseum.

"What's up girly girl?" Wes asked with a smile.

"Nothing," she said.

"How's that baby of yours?" he asked looking at her stomach with a smile. She'd never seen him look so happy to see her. He never had been rude to her in the past, but now it seemed like he was being over friendly.

"The baby is fine. I'm due next month and let me tell you, you should be glad you're a man and can't have kids. This is a pain in the ass."

"Yeah right," Wes said, "But you love it."

"Yeah," she rubbed her stomach.

"You ready to go see the guys?" Wes asked as he pulled out two laminated passes for them.

Willa put her pass around her neck and nodded. Her smile faded and her heart rate went up and she felt almost scared of the next few moments of her life.
Willa couldn't help but to notice a few stares as they walked the halls. She wasn't sure if it was because who she was or the way she looked, but she didn't like it and she tried to hide herself by curling an arm around Wes's arm and one around Spanky's arm.

"You okay?" Wes asked.

"I'm fine," she said with a laugh, "I'm not going to give birth today so you can stop trying to baby me."

"She hasn't been out in a while," Spanky said.

"That vacation of yours must have been good." Wes rambled on a little, "You look like you've been getting a lot of rest and that tan you're sporting makes you look a lot more like a Californian than I would have thought."

"Vacation?" she smiled, "Moving three thousand miles, getting a new job and carrying around a kid for eight months is hardly a vacation."

"I pity you," Wes said over her head to Spanky, "I remember when my sister had her last kid. Thank God I was on the road and couldn't be reached. My brother in law said he was going to kill her because she was so moody. They love my niece and all, but the nine months waiting for her were hell."

"Oh stop it," Willa said and gave his arm a squeeze. "You know that you'll love me and my kid when it's born."

"Have you told Billie yet?" Wes asked in a lower tone of voice than he'd been speaking in before.

Willa's head snapped up from where she was watching the floor as they walked. She stared hard at Spanky. "You told him?"

"Nah," Spanky said, "He figured it out a long time ago. I just confirmed his suspicion when he asked me."

"Damn you Spanky," she said and stomped her foot, "I thought you were going to do what I asked and not tell anyone."

"I follow the rules just as good as you follow my rules." He stuck his tongue out.

"Ha, ha," Willa said and rolled her eyes. "Very funny big guy."

"I try," he said.

"So where are we going?" she asked as they turned a corner and headed down yet another hallway.

"To the dressing rooms." Wes pointed with his other hand. "It's just down there. You don't need a wheelchair or a golf cart or anything to take you? I should have asked you that before."

"No," she said and looked up to where they were headed. She saw an unfamiliar girl standing knocking at a door and wondered who she belonged to.

"Is that--?" Spanky asked under his breath.

Wes looked at where Spanky was looking. His expression didn't change a bit, but he looked in Willa's direction. "Yeah that's Jackie, Billie's girlfriend." His description of who she was came out in a softer voice than her name.

Unconsciously Willa's feet began to drag. Faced with the idea of seeing Jackie in person she began to try to stall. She had tried to psyche herself up for the moment, telling herself that Billie was out of her life and didn't have any commitments to her, but it still stung a bit when she saw the girl knocking on what she figured was his door.

"Are you okay?" Spanky asked breaking into her thoughts.

"You aren't getting tired are you?" Wes asked.

"No," she said and took a breath and squared her shoulders, "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yes," she said and rolled her eyes at him. Jackie disappeared in the door and as they came up to the door Wes waited for a moment then knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" The sound of his voice behind the door made her heart skip a beat and somehow she thought she felt the baby move.

"It's Wes," Wes said loudly, "Willa and Spanky are here."

"Okay. Come on in," Billie said.

Wes cracked the door open and Willa got her first glimpse of him. He was standing near a couch, actually more like leaning against the high arm of the thing holding onto his girlfriend's waist. Willa thought that they'd just been hugging from the comfortable way that his arms gripped her hips.

He looked good. He was far from having a tan left over from the summer, but he looked as normal as he had the last time she'd seen him. His hair was cut in the same manner and he seemed to be just as relaxed as he'd always been. He wore Dickies, a T-shirt and Converse shoes and had a towel wrapped around his neck, which he took off and threw onto the couch when they came into the room.

"Hi guys," Billie said with a completely casual tone. He didn't move from his spot next to Jackie, but he threw them a wave. It was a clear sign that he wasn't truly welcoming them. They seemed to be just interrupting him. "Spanky, Willa, this is Jackie, my girlfriend."

Willa bit on her tongue to keep from crying as she watched him interact with Jackie. Jackie turned around and stayed so that his arms were draped over her shoulders and hung down along her chest. She watched his hands on her and remembered what it felt like to be in his arms. She looked away for a moment when the realization hit her. He belonged to someone else. She had known it for a while, had seen pictures of them together, but this brutal truth really hit it home.

Billie smiled at them then leaned his head close to hers and spoke to her in a soft voice. "I'm going to talk to them and catch up. Are you going to be okay hanging out with Sarah tonight?"

"Yeah," she said, "We'll be out in the VIP section."

"I'll see you right before the show?"

"Uh, yeah." She leaned and kissed his cheek then turned to Spanky and Willa. "It was nice meeting you both." Willa couldn't think of a nice reply so she kept her mouth shut as she watched Billie's girlfriend smile at her.

"I hope that you stick around after the show. Maybe we can chat then."

"That sounds great," Spanky answered for the both of them.

Willa still had her arm wrapped through Spanky's and she squeezed his arm tightly for support.

Jackie disappeared out the door a moment and soon Wes made and excuse to take Spanky to see the other guys, which left Willa and Billie alone in the room together.

"Well we meet again," He said in a breathy voice as if he was just as nervous as Willa felt. She watched him shove his hands into his pants pockets and rock back and forth while his eyes locked onto her face and stared.

The action made her nervous, him just standing there staring at her, but she wasn't about to tell him he had that effect on her. She needed to be strong. This was it and she didn't need to chicken out now.

Willa took a deep breath and smiled and looked at him, praying to God that he wouldn't see how much effect he had on her. "How've you been?" she asked in a small voice.

"I should be asking you that," he said. His eyes trailed over her body, stopping at her stomach for a moment before he made eye contact again. She could almost laugh at that. Usually men stared at breasts or hips or thighs or some other more sexy part of a woman's body, but a pregnant stomach was a new attraction for a man to be staring at, at least in Willa's experience. "I hear that you're due soon."

"Yep," she said and rubbed her stomach, "Next month, but I feel like this kid wants out now."

"So is Brennan still around?" he asked, "I heard that you two have been talking again."

Willa shivered at the mention of him. "We've spoken, but he's really not a part of my life right now."

"I thought I heard about him being a part of your life and you and Amy getting back to being good friends again."

"Where did you hear that?" She asked.

He hesitated. "I'm--It doesn't matter where I heard it."

"Yes it does," she said, "I'm so disgusted with you right now I could spit. How could you ever think that I would let Brennan back into my life? He's never going to be a part of my life again."

"Why not?"

Taking a huge breath Willa steadied herself and tried to make herself be courageous. She smoothed a hand over her stomach and said, "Because Brennan has no place in my life." She hadn't had the courage to continue with her statement to tell him the whole truth of the situation.

"He's the father of your kid and you're not going to let him in the kid's life?" The anger in his voice was surprising for her. She never would have guessed that he would be that upset about finding out that she was facing this pregnancy alone.

"Billie--"

"Let me finish." His eyes almost burned a red color with his anger. "If I were that kid's dad I wouldn't let you do that to me. I mean I thought that you were bitchy, but this is so wrong--"

"Billie, stop it."

"How can you defend him?" he asked.

"I'm not defending him! I could give two shits about Brennan. He's a complete asshole and I'm celebrating every moment that he isn't the father of this child!"
"What?" he asked.

"He's not the dad. Don't you get it?" she asked.

"What are you talking about Willa? If Brennan isn't the dad then who is?" he asked. He tipped his head as if he wasn't quite hearing her correctly.

"You are the dad!" Willa said when she couldn't take any more of his rambling. "I don't know how you couldn't have known that! I know that you may be clueless when it comes to some things, but I never would have guessed that you would be so heartless to think that I was having Brennan's kid."

"But he knew about the baby. He knew and filed that report, that lawsuit," he countered with.

"It was a good guess. What can I say?" She threw her hands up to show how frustrated she was. "I know that he didn't know because I found out that day when I told you in New York."

There was a knock at the door and Willa turned to see Spanky leaning his head in the door. "Everything okay in here?"

"Yeah," she said and moved to take a seat. "Everything is fine."

"No it's not fine!" Billie said angrily towards the door.

There was a long pause, as Billie's voice seemed to echo in the small room. "So you told him?" Spanky asked.

"Yes." Willa nodded and tried to keep from crying. This was all getting too hard.

"He knows about this?" He asked looking at the other man in the room.

"Yes, he's been with me for the last eight months." Her eyes narrowed automatically when the anger of the last few months surfaced. She had tried not to be angry over it, but it still bothered her that he had never once picked up the phone to call her and see how she was doing. They might have broken things off but she expected him to at least have a heart when it came to things like that. "Of course he knows. Hell almost everyone in the world knows that this baby is yours except you."

"Do Tre and Mike know?" Billie asked.

Willa put her hand to her forehead. She was feeling lightheaded from the screaming and the cool air in the coliseum was giving her Goosebumps. "Mike does and I expect that Tre was probably informed about it after his trip out to LA a few weeks ago."

"You okay sweetie?" Spanky asked.

She put a hand up to stop him when she saw him begin towards him. "I'm fine. I just need a second."

"You want some water?" he asked.

"There's some in here," Billie said and reached over and pulled out a bottled water. He handed it to her and stepped back from her giving her a strange look, like he would break her if he touched her or something.

"I don't want you to think I came here to complicate your life. I just thought that you should know that your son or daughter is going to be born soon."

"Willa, don't chicken out of this," Spanky said softly.

"Chicken out of what?" Billie asked.

Willa closed her eyes and gulped down some water. "Leave it alone Spanky."

"No," he said, "Willa I told you that I was going to protect you from the outside world, but now I feel like I need to protect you from you."

"What are you all talking about?"

"She's too stubborn to ask you Billie, but I think you need to take care of this kid financially--"

"Spanky shut up. That's not why I told him about the baby. I told you Spanky that I don't need his money."

Willa tried to push herself out of her seat, but she couldn't get herself up. She looked at the two of them and angrily yelled, "Get me up Dammit!"

Billie and Spanky both walked over to help, but she brushed off Billie's hand and took Spanky's. The look on Billie's face when she reused his help made her want to cry. She'd messed up everything again and was now going to pay the price for it.

*****

Billie winced visibly when Willa yelled at him to leave her alone and all he could do was stand still trying not to reach out to her when she pushed her way out of the room. She looked really upset and he hated to think that she was really hurt by his actions. The worst part about it was that he knew that Willa was right about him being clueless. His intentions had never been to mess things up the way he had. He didn't remember exactly why he'd left her alone in the hotel room the day he'd found out about the baby.

He wasn't the evil type of person who could stand to see someone hurting, but he was hurt too. Or at least he had been. After all, he'd spent the last eight months without knowing about a child that he knew he should have been taking care of from the start. He truly had suspected it was his back in New York, but the conflict of having Brennan come out in the press and saying it was his gave him enough reason to doubt the feeling that he'd had when she'd told him. He wanted to believe her, but Brennan's knowledge of the baby made it impossible to do so.

Having kids was supposed to be a joyous event, but all he felt was pain. Pain for Willa having to face all those months without him, and pain because he didn't know how to make it all better without having to completely beg for her forgiveness.

It was his downfall. One look from her and he forgot everything. Including how to act like a normal human being and how to be himself. He didn't know what he was going to do, but he knew that he needed her back in his life. He'd thought that it had been a fluke while they were dating that he would have such strong feelings for her, but now, months later, he still got that feeling when he looked at her. He was still in love with her and he couldn't do anything about it. Rationally he knew that it was going to be a battle, but he wanted to try and work things out with her. For his sake, for her sake and for their child's sake.

Taking big breaths Billie tried to comprehend the information that had just been delivered. Pacing seemed to come naturally as a headache formed over his left eye. He was going to be a dad. A dad. It didn't seem real, none of it did.

"What did I do?" He said and broke out in tears. His face curled as the pain of the moment hit him. He took a breath and squared his shoulders and tried to breathe, but he kept finding it hard to act normal now. He went over to the mirror and tried to wipe his face, but he found it hard to look at his reflection. He'd been horrible when he'd left her alone.

He thought he would be left alone when Spanky went after her, but he soon found himself faced with dealing with Mike, who had a very a concerned look on his face. He didn't know how Mike knew to come and find him, but the guy looked like he was all ready to give him a speech. He could see him in the mirror, but he didn't make eye contact with his friend's reflection. The anger on his face was more than the anger that his own face reflected back at him in the mirror.

"What'd you do? Willa just ran down the hallway crying. I sent Sarah after her even though she didn't want anyone to follow her. I don't know what you did, but I wouldn't go and find Spanky any time soon. He looked really pissed off."

"What'd I do?" Billie said innocently then turned to face Mike. "What'd you do? You knew about this and you didn't tell me! You knew that she hadn't told me that she's having our kid."

"She told you about that?" Mike asked and leaned his back against the cement wall behind them as Billie leaned against the counter in front of the mirror.

"Yeah," Billie said and rubbed a hand over his face. His shoulders began to slump as he thought more and more about the events that were going to take place not only that day, dealing with Jackie, but also the birth of his child that next month. "She should have told me a long time ago."

"A long time ago you should have listened to her." Mike's tone was accusing and he flinched to hear his friend sound so angry with him. "From what she told me you never let her tell you the whole story. You heard that she was pregnant and immediately assumed that it was Brennan's because of the lawsuit."

"And why shouldn't I think that it was his? I had no other reason not to think that it was his."

Mike folded his arms across his chest then unfolded them again. "Because you were in love with her and her word should have come before any outside information."

His words were simple, but they drove the dagger home. Billie hadn't given her a chance to explain when he should have and now the whole thing was messed up. Although he knew that he was in the wrong, he knew that he didn't want to admit it aloud. He knew that his admission of guilt would send a shock wave through the band and his family and everyone else's families. They would never think about him the same way again if he admitted that he'd ignored her all those months.
"You've got to make this right Billie."

"Who's side are you on here? What the hell is going on that you'd know something like this and you wouldn't tell me?" Billie's voice rose and he found it hard to breath again as he tried to keep his tears inside.

"She made me promise that I wouldn't or I would have told you a long time ago."

"Since when do you pick to follow people outside this band to listen to?" He accused, "We always said that we'd do what was best for Green Day over anything else--and look what you've done? You've messed--"

"Shut up Billie!" Mike yelled. "I'm not the one who messed up and don't you dare blame this on me! You should have asked her right off whose kid it was and you should have trusted her word over anyone else's. You were in love with her...hell, you still are, but you're too stubborn to admit that you were wrong and that you want her back."

"I have Jackie now," He said loudly. He wasn't sure if he'd said it that way because he was trying to convince Mike or himself. "Willa isn't a part of my life anymore."

When the yelling got out of hand Wes stuck his head in the door. "You okay in here?"

"That's such bullshit!" Mike said ignoring the bodyguard. He turned his head and leaned so that Billie would be certain to see him when he tried to avoid the conversation. "Jackie is a nice girl and all, but you and Willa were a million times better than you and Jackie will ever be." Mike walked over and grabbed Billie's shoulder when he tried to turn away again. "You and Willa have this connection that people don't have. You put up with months of not seeing each other, rumors, hell I think all you didn't deal with was a hurricane or a flood. Don't give up on that."

"Willa and I are over," He said simply. "You don't understand. Being together in the same place is the easy part, it's the what happens when you're together that messes everything up."

"I'll give you that," Mike said, "But I know that when your family finds out that you're going to have a kid that they aren't going to like the idea of you not taking responsibility for your child." Billie let out a sigh and dropped into a chair.

"Everyone is going to kill you if you don't stand up and do what you should be doing."

"Do what I should be doing?" he asked, "And what the hell am I supposed to do? Willa and I can't get along and she's about to have my kid while my girlfriend is probably standing outside the door wondering why we're fighting."

"You need to calm down about this and think," He said, "You don't have to get along with Willa to be a part of that kid's life."

"I'm not letting my kid grow up like that," Billie said, "I can't have that kid wondering all his life where his dad is."

"Then go get her and tell her that."

"It's not that easy." Billie's head dropped and he covered his face as the room began to spin around him. It was all too confusing and too complicated and he didn't want any of it. He needed a break.

Pushing himself out of the chair he was in Billie squared his shoulders and walked out of the room.

In the hallway Wes began to follow him down the hall. When he saw Jackie talking to Jason in the hallway he choked back tears. This was going to kill Jackie. He knew it. And it was all his fault.

"Billie, what's going on?" she asked.

He held up a hand to stop her from coming over to him and spoke softly, "I'll explain later."

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"I'm fine," he said and didn't pause another moment. He was on a mission. He needed to be by himself and he needed it now or he was going to throw a fit.
Taking a right Billie pushed out of the building and headed towards the buses. Wes was still on his trail and spoke up when he went to go get in the bus, "You've got sound check right now."

"Fuck sound check." Billie shrugged then rolled his shoulders and stepped into the bus. "Stay out here. I need to be by myself."

Wes nodded and took a seat on the steps of the bus as Billie disappeared inside.
After walking the length of bus he flopped down onto the back bed and lay there trying to catch his breath. He stared at the clock on the DVD Player across the small room and tried to calm himself down. He knew he needed to get out whatever he needed to get out before he went on stage that night or it might be disastrous. He was not going to go on stage and cry. It wasn't professional and it just wasn't him. Plus it would start a million different rumors that he didn't need to be dealing with.

*****

Willa found herself in the hallway looking for the way out. She knew it had been to the left when they'd walked in, but now the cement hallway seemed unfamiliar and she didn't know which way to go.

She was almost at her wit's end when Mike ran up from behind her and got between her and where she was walking. "Willa, where are you going?" He asked as she stalked down towards the door at the end of the hallway.

"I don't belong here," she paused and looked down the hallway to where Jackie and Sarah were standing. Her eyes went from them to her stomach then back to his face. "I never did. I should have never thought that I could have."

Mike looked at where she'd been looking then looked back at her. "What are you talking about Willa? You belong here as much as they do."

"I'm not his girlfriend anymore Mike," She sighed and looked back towards where she'd come from. "Hell after today I'm not even his friend anymore. I don't belong here."

"You and I are friends no matter what happens between you and him." His eyes were wild with emotion and she felt for him. He was caught in the middle of all of this. "You may not fit with him, but you fit with me and the others."

"Willa!"

She turned her head and saw Tre running towards her. He came to a sliding stop and threw his arms out. She cringed away from him until he curled his arms around her lightly and hugged her. "Hi honey!"

"Hello," she said. She expected him to be wild and crazy and usually it was a welcomed entertainment, but in her condition she wasn't sure if she was up to his roughhousing. "How've you been Tre?" She looked over his shoulder for a moment, "Where's Laura?"

"Willa?" Tre said and shocked her by being serious for a moment. "Have you been crying?"

Willa sighed. "No," she said then looked at him at a different angle. "Yes, I have, but it's just because I'm tired and I'm way too pregnant to be putting up with--"
"What'd he say to you?" Tre asked looking at her then looked at Mike, "What'd he do to her?"

"You know about this too?" She asked.

"About me becoming an honorary Uncle?" Tre said, "Of course." He hugged her again, "Aren't we supposed to be celebrating? Oh...I know...I forgot the presents. Shit I knew I should have done something this week. Crap...I'll send something to you. Does Billie have your address?"

Willa laughed a little at his antics, "Mike has the address. You don't have to send me anything."

"Are you kidding me?" He said, "I'm going to send a million presents."

"Really that's okay," she said and asked again, "Where's Laura?"

His eyes clouded over for a moment and he coughed. "You didn't hear?"

"Nothing happened to her did it?" Willa asked grateful for a moment to be able to worry about something other than herself.

"No, she's fine," he said, "Well she was the last time we talked."

"Oh no," Willa said, "What happened?"

"We broke things off for a while. There were a few incidents that happened with some fans that got to her and she and I have been getting a little frustrated with all this, but don't worry about us. You've got enough to worry about."

"I don't worry about me and Billie," she said, "There is no me and Billie anymore."

"I meant about your baby coming and your new job."

"Oh."

"Anyway, Laura and I are still friends and all, but we thought we should step back a little." She'd never seen such a hurt look in Tre's eyes before. He was really hurting and it seemed that yet again she'd put her foot in her mouth by bringing up such an ugly subject.

"Oh," Willa frowned and hugged him. "I'm so sorry." She marveled at the way that she sounded so motherly all of a sudden, as if being pregnant gave her a reason to act like she was a wise old mother hen. She didn't even have a kid to dote over yet and she was already doting over them.

"We'll be fine," Tre said with a shrug. She didn't like the look on his face. He seemed to be putting up a good front, but she worried about him. He and Laura had been together for; well for almost forever and it seemed to her like a tragedy that they would break up, "At the moment it's just a break with the hope of getting back together, but we have some things to work out."

"Willa was just leaving," Mike said breaking into the conversation.

"Really?" Tre asked.

"Yeah. I'm worn out. I thought I could hang around, but I should really get out of here."

"Oh come on Willa. Jason is going to be pissed that he didn't get to see you. Oh, and Freese is about to synch up his microphone, but he'll want to say hi too."
"I really should hit the road before the traffic gets any worse," she said, "How about you all come over sometime this week. We can barbecue or something at the house."

She noted the shocked look on Mike's face and the shrug that Spanky gave him when he seemed to look for answers at her sudden attitude change.

"That sounds great," he said, "Maybe we should have it at Mike's house though. We get kind of messy and I wouldn't want to mess up your house."

"Thanks Tre." Mike rolled his eyes at his friend.

"You know what I mean," he said, "She's pregnant and you're not."

"Duh!" Mike said and rolled his eyes again.

"Your eyes are going to stick in the back of your head if you keep doing that," Tre said with a laugh.

"Whatever."

Willa sighed and actually enjoyed the banter of the two guys. In the last few months she'd been a bit sequestered from the normal world and it was nice to be back out in it, even under those circumstances. "We can have it at my house."

"No," Mike said and shrugged. "I'll set things up for Thursday night, we don't have a show that night, but we've got interviews in the morning."

Willa looked over at Spanky then back at him, "Sounds good to me."

"Coolio." Tre hugged her again and checked his watch, "Speaking of interviews, I need to go check on Rob. I'll see you on Thursday. Make sure you bring a big car with you because I plan to go shopping or at least have Sarah go for me to go shopping for your presents."

"Don't worry about it Tre," Willa said and blushed, "Thanks for the thought though."

"Love you," he said quickly and ran down the hall in the opposite direction.
"Are you going to leave still?" Mike asked.

Willa nodded and looked over at Spanky who seemed to be waiting for her final decision. She took a deep breath, "Yeah."

"You know that we're going to keep track of you even if Billie doesn't."

"I know that, and I cherish that friendship, but you've got Sarah here and I know you all don't get to see each other a lot. You should go be with her. Spanky will get me home okay and I'll see you all on Thursday."

"Do you want me to have Billie come too?" He asked.

"It's your house and technically your party, so do what you want," she said with a sigh. A pain started to form in her lower back, a side effect of standing for so long with her extra weight.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

"I think so," she said and nodded.

"Mike! We've got to get you to sound check!" One of the other bodyguards yelled towards them.

"I'm coming!" He yelled back then turned and looked at Willa. "I'll call you tomorrow okay? We're still going to be in town for the week and I want to make sure you're alright."

"No promises, okay?" she said.

"That's fine, but I am going to call you up and maybe come over to visit. I want to see your house again."

"No promises."

Spanky came up to her and reached to rub her back. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she sighed again, "I just need to get home and get off my feet."

"Good deal," he said and maneuvered her towards the door.

A few minutes later they were on the road, but they got stuck in traffic again so they crawled their way home instead of speeding home like Willa had intended to.
After spending twenty minutes in one spot Willa began to get antsy. First she fiddled with her seat trying to get more comfortable, then reached for the air conditioning then Willa reached out and flipped on the car radio. It was playing a country song so she switched channels. A Britney Spears song played out loudly and just as Spanky started to nod his head to the tune she switched it again.

"What the hell are you doing woman?" he said, "Did you forget to take your Ritalin this morning?"

"No!" she said and switched the channel again. This time a song by the Backstreet Boys came on. "Damn!"

"What is your issue girl?" Spanky said and reached out and covered the knob with his hand.

Willa pinched his hand and he withdrew it and placed it on the steering wheel again. "Shit girl. Maybe you need a valium instead of Ritalin."

"Leave me alone Spanky. I just want to go home and this damn traffic and those stupid songs aren't helping," she said and flipped the channel again. "I hate LA! I can't get a fucking channel here that doesn't play Britney fucking Spears or Christina fucking Aguilera!"

Finally My Chemical Romance came on and she sat back but her hands weren't still. She tapped the beat of the song on the armrest and kept her hand moving over her seatbelt, first pulling out some slack on it then smoothing it down then moving it to a different position across her body. It felt good to enjoy a song running against Green Day.

"Ugh!" She finally growled out and curled her hands into fists. "I'm so mad I could spit!"

"Well open the window if you do because I just washed the car and I don't want to have to wipe up after you."

Willa tried not to hard to crack a smile with that comment, but she couldn't help it. Somehow he had a way of getting her mind in the right place when she began to stress out.

*****

Billie emerged visibly calmer from the bus when Was told him it was time to get to the stage for sound check. He liked the way that Wes seemed to immediately treat him normally again. If he could keep that up for a few hours he knew he'd be okay. His body seemed to have calmed down, most of the nervous energy gone, but his mind was still reeling from the earlier conversation.

In reality he was still mentally a mess, but he held his shoulders back and tried to repeat the words of the songs for that night's show in his head to keep his head into what he was supposed to be doing for the rest of the day. He couldn't space out, not now, not in front of the several thousand people that would be watching him perform in three hours time.

Wes finally broke through his thoughts. "You've got a line across your face," Wes said as they went through the doors and back into the backstage area.

Billie reached up and rubbed his cheek where it had been plastered against the bedding. He hadn't moved from the spot where he'd flopped down onto the bed the entire half-hour that he was alone. His eyes had been open and staring across the room, but he'd been some where else. He couldn't explain it, whether it was some kind of meditation or what, but he'd relaxed for those thirty minutes leaving him with some hope that he would be able to handle the next few hours.

"Billie."

He looked up and found Jackie watching him. The concern on her face was clearly visible and she was very cautious in her movements towards him. He hated the fact that she felt she had to act that way, but it wasn't really something that he could control. He'd had to push her away earlier or everything would have fallen apart. He still needed to figure out how to tell her about Willa's news, but it wasn't going to happen any time soon.

"Hey," he said. It came out almost as a sigh. He curled his mouth up into a half smile and reached out a hand to her. She took his hand and he gave it a squeeze. He focused he eyes on her, then straightened his posture. "What have you been up to?"

"Are you okay?" she asked looking at him with critical eyes, "What happened earlier?"

He pulled her hand to his mouth and kissed it, "I'm sorry. I had--" He sighed and tried to find the right words to apologize to her. "I didn't mean to put you off like that, but I just needed to calm down for a minute."

"Calm down? I heard you both in there yelling then when Willa left the room she was crying and I didn't know what happened."

"I'll explain it to you later on tonight," he said.

"Are you sure you're okay now?" she asked.

He nodded and inhaled a huge breath. "I'm fine now."

"Good," she said. She seemed to believe him, but he could still see that she was watching him more closely than she usually did. His eyes wandered away from her and he zoned out for a moment.

"I'm fine," he repeated. He wasn't sure if he was trying to convince himself or convince her this time.

"You'll be here right before the show?" he asked.

"Yeah," she said, "I'm going to go eat dinner with Sarah, but I'll be back."

"Okay," he said. He still felt a little dazed, but he went through the motions of kissing her cheek and giving her a kiss before he moved away from her and into the main room of the coliseum.

Billie walked through the tunnel, underneath the rigging where the long arms of the stage stretched out into the coliseum, and found his way to the steps that would take him to the stage.

As he began to climb them he heard people talking so he stalled a little to listen. Normally he didn't like to eavesdrop on people but this conversation seemed to be about him so he thought he should pay attention.

"Is she okay?" Jason asked.

"She was crying," Tre said. Billie could hear the worry in his voice and he wondered for a moment why they were so concerned about his ex-girlfriend. He knew that when someone dated someone in the group, usually everyone got close, but he didn't understand why all of them seemed to be so concerned about a woman he'd dated months ago.

"She says she's fine, but I don't believe it. She hasn't seen us for months and now she left after like a half-hour. I don't know what exactly he said to her, but it couldn't have been good."

"I can't believe that Billie would abandon her like that. Knowing how close he is to his family and all I would think that he'd be over protective instead of--"

"That has nothing to do with it," Tre said, "He just found out that he's going to be a dad next month. That would freak any of us out a little."

"Yeah well he's an ass if he doesn't take care of her."

"Who's an ass?" Billie asked as he came up the rest of the steps and revealed himself to the rest of the group.

"Rob," Mike immediately said, "He's going to try to take away some of our vacation hours this week."

Billie could tell that he was lying, even if he hadn't heard the earlier conversation. Mike always licked his lips when he lied. Billie had seen him do it a million times, but he never thought he'd have to be faced with that reaction himself. He'd known that there would be times that they would keep things from each other, but he didn't like the feeling of knowing that they were talking about him behind his back.

"What?" Billie asked trying to test the waters a little to see how far they would go with the lie.

"Yeah, I guess we're going to have a meeting or something Thursday afternoon."

"With who?"

"It's not really for you."

"Oh," Billie said, "Are all you guys going to be there?"

"Uh," Mike said, "I think I'm going to the house and hang out with Sarah for a few hours."

"I've got a phone interview to make up with one of the magazines," Tre said, not making eye contact with him.

Billie walked over and grabbed his microphone off the stand it was sitting on then walked across the stage to find where Tim was standing with his in-ear monitors. After sticking the battery pack onto his belt he threw the cords of the monitors over his shoulder and made his way back to where the guys were still standing. They'd turned and were all looking at each other with guilty looks in their eyes.

"What's going on?" Billie asked standing away from them.

"Nothing," Tre said.

"There has to be something."

"Nope," Tre said with a smile that Billie could tell was too fake. "No one in here but us chickens."

"What?"

"Nothing... never mind," Tre mumbled.