The elephant in the middle of the road

[The stage is bare the only thing to be seen is a wedding arch in the middle of the stage. There are three chairs on either side of the arch and a stand of flowers to the side of the chairs. Enter Sam behind the set. She runs her fingers along the chairs and enters through the arch. She stops to look at it for a moment before she re-positions a small part of it. She sits down on the floor and unfolds a small piece of paper from her pocket. She begins to read.]

SAM: You were the only person to see me for me. You make me a stronger person. Help means nothing without you. I know times have been hard for us, that is why I’m willing to devote my life to you... [She pulls a pen out and begins to write] You are my only love.

[Eddy enters.]

SAM: I will love you for all my life and-

EDDY: -You know its bad luck to read vow’s before the wedding.

[Sam stands up and quickly. She realises its Eddy.]

SAM: They're not mine anyway.

EDDY: Whose are they then?

SAM: ...Mine. I wish you’d stop creeping up on me like that!

EDDY: Someone’s in a mood today.

SAM: Eddy what do you want?

EDDY: Nothing much, why, what you offering?

SAM: I don’t know. What've I got to do to convince you?

EDDY: Sam you couldn’t convince me that peaches came from a can.

SAM: But they do, right?... They do come from a can?

EDDY: Yes Sam they do!

SAM: Makes me wonder how they got there.

EDDY: They were put there by a man.

SAM: Really? Where?

EDDY: In a factory down town. You’re such a dim-wit.

SAM: Well I’m sorry I’m not as smart as you.

EDDY: Whose fault is that?

SAM: Society!

EDDY: Really Sam?

SAM: Well if I hadn’t been living in such a bad area I probably be okay.

EDDY: What?

SAM: All those bad people who lived by me. I’d be okay if I lived in a decent place.

EDDY: What were you expecting? A mansion with a maid and a butler? Maybe some
monkey slaves?

SAM: That would have been nice.

EDDY: Sometimes I wonder if we’re even from the same planet.

SAM: We're not.

EDDY: What are you on about now?

SAM: We're not from the same planets. Have you never heard of that book? “Women are
from Mars, and Men are from Venus?

EDDY: It’s the other way round.

SAM: So, Mars is from women and Venus is from men?

EDDY: What? That doesn’t even make sense.

SAM: Well I’m not the one who said it.

EDDY: You make me wonder why school even exists sometimes.

SAM: To make people, duh!

EDDY: Were you never given the birds and the bees talk?

SAM: I never did understand that.

EDDY: Why am I not surprised?

SAM: I mean, how can a bird and bee have sex?

EDDY: Umm...

SAM: I mean bees testicals explode after sex. So why is he wasting it on a bird?

EDDY: Why are you asking me? I really don’t know the first thing about a bee’s sexual
organs.

SAM: Well, why not?

EDDY: It’s not something I ... I just don’t know.

SAM: You should read more.

EDDY: Sam I’m surprised you even know what a book is.

SAM: I’m not stupid. I know what a book is. I’ve got loads in my library.

EDDY: You’ve got a library?

SAM: Yeah. Aiden bought me one.

EDDY: Aiden bought you a library?

SAM: Yeah

EDDY: He BOUGHT you a LIBRARY?

SAM: Yeah. It’s great for putting pictures on.

EDDY: He bought you a shelving unit.

SAM: No. A library!

EDDY: Has it got a load of shelves? And it’s about this big?

[He stretches his arms length ways.]

SAM: Yeah. You’ve seen it?

EDDY: As much as I love it, I hate to tell you, but Aiden bought you a shelving unit.

SAM: Whatever! I’m still going to call it a library.

EDDY: And you’re still going to look like an idiot.

SAM: I’ve had enough. I’ve got loads to sort out. I’m going.

[Sam goes to leave. He grabs her arm as she walks past, and pulls her back. She pulls
away.]

SAM: Eddy let me go!

EDDY: Or what?

SAM: Or...Or... Or I’ll scream!

EDDY: You’re such a child.

SAM: I’m not kidding. I’ll do it.

EDDY: Go ahead.

[Sam screams. Eddy puts his hand over her mouth.]

EDDY: Okay! Shut up!

[Sam stops screaming]

EDDY: You’re so annoying sometimes.

[He removes his hand and lets her go.]

SAM: Look, what do you want?

EDDY: Not a lot really, a boat, a nice house, you out of my head.

SAM: The court proved it wasn’t my fault.

EDDY: Ah! But we both know the truth don’t we Sam?

[PAUSE]

SAM: What's brought all this on?

EDDY: Not at the hen party tonight?

SAM: I didn’t want one.

EDDY: Sure you didn’t. Aiden didn’t ban the drink again?

SAM: That was my choice.

EDDY: You’re only convincing yourself, nobody else.

SAM: I DIDN’T want one!

EDDY: We could always celebrate you know.

SAM: No thank you! I would rather celebrate with Justin Bieber.

EDDY: What I’m not good enough for you now?

SAM: What? That’s screwed up!

[Eddy smiles]

EDDY: Yeah. Don’t you just love it?

SAM: Look I’ve got loads to do before tomorrow, I’m going.

[She goes to leave. But he grabs her]

EDDY: I know your game.

SAM: Eddy will you let go of me?

[He grabs Sam. and is nose to nose with her. Sam almost weakens. Eddy laughs and exits
leaving Sam alone on stage.]

END OF SCENE