I Know I'm Gonna Fall

Friends.

One little word. Just a simple slip of the mouth and just like that, a heart is broken. A basic sound and blood rushes to your face, your mind starts to shout and your nerves go crazy. Tears pool in the corners of your eyes, threatening to spill, threatening to drown you in their wake, leaving you empty and dry on the inside but cold and shattered on the outside.

And then you feel your heart break. You feel the pieces of your fragile heart shattering into tiny, irreparable pieces, broken beyond all hope of repair. And the pain is nothing like you’ve ever known; it’s ground-breaking, it’s horrific. It feels as though the world is tumbling down around you, it feels as though the ground will crack beneath your feet and bury you down under. You forget everything about yourself; what you used to like, how you used to act -- everything but the pain. All of the positive disappears, and in that moment, it feels as though nothing will ever be the same.

Friends. Just friends.

Swallowing slightly, I nodded, giving a tense smile to the boy that stood in front of me. “Friends. Right.”



It wasn’t as though it was love at first sight. When I saw his face, there wasn’t a godly glow surrounding him, and I didn’t hear angels singing and feel overwhelmed by new emotions. It was just him. Sure, he was attractive; even I couldn’t deny that. But to me he was nothing special. He looked just like everyone I’d ever known; nice enough on the outside, but when you got to the inside nothing seemed to be worth it.

He hadn’t made the best first impression either. I was new to the school -- new to the town to be more specific, and I’ll admit that I was a little shy. Hell, anyone who had to move after their parents had separated would be tense, and I wasn’t the most outgoing person to begin with. As soon as his eyes met mine I blushed, a deep scarlet hue flooding my ivory skin.

He had walked forwards, a smirk sitting on his lips, staring at me with those dark eyes of chocolate. He towered over me, the look on his face almost intimidating until it transformed into a smile, a smile that made my small heart flutter ever so slightly. “What’s your name, new girl?” he asked, his dark eyes dancing as he looked at me.

I could feel people all around us watching our encounter, waiting for me to speak, waiting for me to make my move. And of course, being the person that I was, I made a complete fool out of myself. “I-I’m Ka-“ I cleared my throat, a blush coating my cheeks, “K-Katie,” I croaked, feeling my body going tense.

He laughed and I felt embarrassment rush through me, but to my surprise he didn’t walk away. “It’s nice to meet you, Katie,” he said politely, a grin lifting up his lips. He held his hand out to me, his brown eyes sparkling. “I’m John.”

I stared at his hand, dumbfounded, unable to even move. He let out another laugh, the sound of it causing my blush to deepen. “C’mon Katie, I don’t bite.” He looked thoughtful for a moment, his grin only growing as he looked at me. “Well, not unless you’re into that kind of stuff.”

My mouth dropping open slightly, I barely thought before I reached out to punch him on the arm, causing his eyes to widen in shock. Overcoming his shock, his lips curled up as he let out a deep chuckle. “Kinky; I wouldn’t have guessed,” he laughed, wiggling his eyebrows. “I can get into that.”

My embarrassment forgotten, I narrowed my blue eyes into a glare, a word I’m not proud of escaping my lips. Giving him the most murderous look I could muster up, I turned around, slinging my bag over my shoulder and beginning to walk away.

“Katie, was it?” he called out after me, but I ignored him, continuing to storm down the hallway. “We’re going to be great friends, Katie! Just you wait and see!”

Friends.

At that moment it didn’t mean so much to me. Hell, I didn’t even want to be his friend, based on how he’d acted towards me. I was determined to hate him and everything about him.

It’s funny how the heart changes.



The music was blasting as we drove back home, John’s fingers tapping relentlessly against the steering wheel. I sat in silence, my whole body feeling overwhelmingly empty, my heart still in pain from his earlier words. I felt as though I could barely look at him, as though a simple look into his eyes and I would no longer be able to stop the tears from cascading down my cheeks. I had never felt pain as I did in that moment, but John, being the boy that he was, remained oblivious.

“Check it, got it locked at the top of the four seasons
Penthouse, roof top, birds I feedin’” John rapped, shaking his head from side to side.

“No deceivin’, nothin’ up my sleeve and, no teasin’
I need you to get up up on the dance floor.”

He sent me a crooked grin, barely concentrating on the road as he bobbed his head along to the beat. Noticing that I wasn’t joining in, he grabbed my hand and twirled it around in the air.

“Give that man what he askin’ for
‘Cause I feel like bustin’ loose and I feel like touchin’ you
And can't nobody stop the juice so baby tell me what’s the use,” he continued, putting on his best Nelly voice.

He puckered his lips dramatically as he looked at me, raising his eyebrow with his brown eyes sparkling like diamonds. Tilting back his head, he shouted the next line so loudly that I flinched.

“It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes.”

He looked at me expectantly, his mouth opening slightly as if gesturing for me to go on. But I still couldn’t look at him. I turned away, facing the window, pretending that he wasn’t even sitting beside me.

“C’mon, Katie, it’s our song! It’s our thang! You can’t leave me hanging here, brother!” he said, a frown forming on his lips.

I stayed silent; unable to look at him for fear that I would break down. His gaze softened, and he tightened his grip on my hand, his eyes losing their sparkle. “Are you upset?”

I didn’t say anything, feeling the sob building up in my throat. The last thing I needed was for him to be sweet; it would just remind me of why I had fallen in love with him. And why it would be impossible for me to ever feel anything but love for him.

He reached to turn down the radio, his eyes flickering away from the road, the look in his brown orbs almost unreadable. “What’s up, baby girl? Did I do something wrong?” he asked softly, running his thumb along the back of my hand.

There. That there. That was the split second in which I knew my heart would never feel the same.

A tear dropped down my cheek but I didn’t turn around, instead ripping my hand out of his grasp. I ignored his hurt expression, placing my hands on my lap, still unable to make a sound. “Ka-“

“Nothing,” I croaked, popping open the door with my hand. “You did nothing, John.”

You never do anything.

Walking out, I slammed the door behind me before sprinting up to my house.



Three weeks. I managed to avoid him for three weeks. He called relentlessly, often more than twice a day, leaving me messages that broke my heart even more. He had called in to see me so many times that I had lost count, but I stayed locked in my room, trying to brace myself to see him again without feeling the hurt.

I knew that avoiding him wasn’t the answer. And I missed our friendship more than anything; I missed the way he would play with my curly hair, our random rap sessions, our days spent out with his guitar and most of all the sweet words he would say to me. I missed the warm feeling I got in my heart when I was around him; the feeling that made me sure that someone out there cared for me.

Even if it wasn’t in the way I wanted.

I don’t know why I suddenly decided to look at his text, after weeks of ignoring them. It could have been because I missed him, or maybe because the selfish part of me wanted to know whether he was missing me too. But I read it.

Coffee shop @ 4pm.
Be there or be [ ]
~John Ohh

There was nothing affectionate about it. No words telling me that he missed me, no signs that he was sorry for what he did. I didn’t know whether I was disappointed, or whether I was just happy to hear from him. But I knew that I had to go. Not only because I knew that it had been long enough, but also because I missed him. Like hell.



When I arrived at the Coffee Shop, I immediately took a seat at the back, my blue eyes looking around for a familiar head of brown hair. Slightly disappointed when I didn’t see him, I let out a sigh, relaxing deeper into my chair.

That was when I saw him. He was on stage with his guitar, a nervous smile sitting on his lips. He cleared his throat, gathering the attention of everyone there, his brown eyes searching the crowd.

“I’ve been writing this song for a while. I don’t know how many times I’ve written something down before rubbing it out; desperate to get the words right.” He let out a nervous laugh, scratching the bottom of his chin, his eyes still searching the crowd. “Fuck, I’m sweating,” he mumbled under his breath, rubbing his hands on his pants.

A few people laughed and he flushed, causing me to grin. Clearing his throat again, his eyes met mine, and a smile formed on his face. “I’m not very good with words,” he said loudly, scrunching his face up slightly. “I probably say the wrong thing a lot, and I bet my friend Katie could vouch for that.” He stopped, looking away from me, his eyes trained on the floor. “But contrary to popular belief, it’s not because I’m dumb.” He paused, letting out a nervous laugh. “Well, there’s that too, bu-“ he cut himself off, scratching the back of his neck, a blush painting his cheeks. “It’s not only because I’m dumb. It’s just that when I’m around her, I seem to be at loss for words.”

His eyes sought out mine again, and he sent me a soft smile before turning away. “I wrote this song a while ago. It’s been sitting in the back of my notebook for months, shoved at the bottom of the drawer and only looked at once or twice. I decided to sing it today because, well,” he stopped, his eyes flicking to mine, holding my gaze for a second before turning away. “I decided to sing it today because I realized how important it was, and how much it needed to be said. Because I realized that if I don’t, I might lose this girl, and I really don’t want that to happen.”

My heart was racing so fast that I could hear it pulsing in my ears, that I could feel the blood pumping through my veins. And as his eyes met mine, I knew things were about to change.

“This song is called ‘Into My Arms’.”

“There was a new girl in town.
She had it all figured out.
And I'll state something rash,” he sang, his eyes never leaving mine, his hands strumming gently against the guitar.

“She had the most amazing....smile.
I bet you didn't expect that.
But she made me change my ways.
With eyes like sunsets baby.
And legs that went on for days.”
He looked away, and the tranquil smile on his face made my heart flutter, even though he wasn’t looking at me. I could feel a warmth filling my body, my mind overcome with questions that had no solution, and I soon found that his words were captivating me, dragging me into a world in which there was just me and him. His voice was almost angelic; it made me feel safe and infatuated at the same time. But it was the look on his face that made my heart fly. He looked as though he was seeing something beautiful, as though he was doing something that brought him release. And even though my mind was plagued by thoughts of who the girl could be, even though the jealousy was consuming me I found myself falling deeper and deeper for him as I listened to him sing.

“I'm fallin' in love
But it's fallin' apart.
I need to find my way back to the start.
When we were in love.
Oh things were better than they are.
Let me back into.
Into your arms.
Into your arms.”

His eyes met mine, searching them for a moment, a nervous smile sitting on his lips as he swallowed. I didn’t realize why he was staring until I felt the trickle of a salty tear fall down my cheek, and it was then that I realized that I was crying. And though it hurt like hell to hear him sing this, although it confirmed my worst fears, there was still a part of me that was enthralled by his words, which was hanging on for every last line. I wanted to hear how it ended. I wanted to see if he found his ending.

“She made her way to the bar.
I tried to talk to her.
But she seemed so far.
Outta my league.
I had to find a way to get her next to me,” he sang, his long fingers moving against the guitar flawlessly, his eyes never leaving my own. He looked down at his guitar for a second before looking back up, his eyes blazing with something I could barely read; desperation, anxiety and helplessness.

“I'm fallin' in love
But it's fallin' apart.
I need to find my way back to the start.
When we were in love.
Oh things were better than they are.
Let me back into.
Into your arms.
Into your arms.”

His eyes left mine and swept across the room, but I found that my own couldn’t bear to leave his face. Because looking at him then, singing the words with such emotion, with such passion, I realized how beautiful he truly was. And not just because he was attractive, not just because his hair fell in front of his eyes perfectly or because of the crooked smile that clung to his lips, but because of the way he looked with a guitar, the way he looked like he was doing something he loved and conquering something he feared at the same time. That was beautiful. He was stronger than me, stronger than I could ever be. And this time when his eyes met mine, I knew the tears were falling faster.

“Oh she's slippin' away.
I always freeze when I'm thinking of words to say.
All the things she does,
Make it seem like love.
If it's just a game,
Then I like the way that we play.”

The coffee shop was silent; all eyes on him, watching him pour his heart out to the room. His words were telling me more than he ever had; expressing more emotion to me than he ever had face to face. And I knew that as he sat there, melodies leaving his mouth, captivating the crowd, he was who he wanted to be.

“I'm fallin' in love
But it's fallin' apart.
I need to find my way back to the start.
I'm fallin' in love
But it's fallin' apart.
I need to find my way back to the start.
When we were in love.
Oh things were better than they are.
Let me back into.
Into your arms.
Into your arms,” he finished, his eyes meeting mine for one last time before they dropped to his guitar, pulling it off his lap. “Thank you,” he said quietly before standing up, an embarrassed smile sitting on his lips as he listened to the whole shop clapping.

Desperately wiping away my tears, I forced a smile onto my lips, trying to calm the pain in my heart. I was starting to regret ever coming; knowing that after hearing that I was more hurt than I had been before.

He made his way over to me, a nervous smile sitting on his lips. He stared at me for a moment, gauging my expression, before he grabbed my hand, squeezing it tightly. “Did you like it?” he asked softly, the corners of his lips tilting up ever-so slightly.

I forced a smile and nodded, my palm feeling sweaty but awfully warm as it sat in his hand. “Yeah,” I said as enthusiastically as I could, wincing when it came out in a croak. Leaning forwards, I punched him playfully with my spare hand, and cleared my throat. “So, who’s the lucky girl?”

His eyes widened slightly, confusion etching onto his features, and he looked at me in disbelief. “Are you kidding me, Katie?” he said bewilderedly, and I flinched at his tone. “I say all of that stuff, and you still don’t get it?”

Frowning and feeling a little hurt, I peered up at him in confusement. “Uh…,” I stopped, searching my brain for the obvious. “Logan Summers? The redhead from our Chemistry class?”

He let out a laugh, shaking his head gently, his brown hair flopping in front of his eyes. “God, no wonder it took so long to get out. You’re so bloody oblivious.”

I stood there in silence, unsure what to say. “Christina Lo-“

And then his lips were on mine, so quickly that I could barely react. And my heart was racing out of control, flying in the air, dancing with the wind. My whole body felt warm as tingles erupted throughout my skin, spreading through every part of my body, reaching my every pore. His lips felt better than I had ever imagined, and the pain in my heart was gone, replaced by the throbbing love and affection I had for this boy.

He pulled away, his cheeks slightly flushed, his eyes sparkling and a wide grin sitting on his lips. I could barely open my mouth, too scared of what I would say; too unsure of what was going on. “So, was I ri-“

“For fuck’s sake!” he groaned, rolling his eyes. “This is what you get for falling in love with a blonde.”

My eyes narrowed slightly. “Hey! I resent th-“ Oh. What?

“L-love?” I stuttered, my blue eyes widening in shock.

He grinned, grabbing a tendril of my curly hair and wrapping it around his finger. “Turned into a blubbering fool again, have we? Scared that I’m going to bite you?”

I couldn’t speak. My heart was racing to quickly, the blood pumping too violently, and everything around me seemed so unimportant and utterly invisible, save for the boy in front of me. And that word echoed through my mind, over and over, repeating itself so many times that I was scared that I was going crazy.

He leaned forwards and kissed me again, more tenderly, his large hands cupping me face delicately. His nose caressed my own and he rubbed his thumb over my cheek, sending tingles hurtling down my spine. “I love you, Katie,” he whispered against my lips, and my eyes fluttered open, staring into his own.

Love.

One little word. One little word, and it felt as though my world was complete. It felt as though everything was falling into place, all because that word had left his lips. And my heart was racing, my head was spinning and my body was filled with warmth. All because of that word. All because of the fact that I knew that now, I had everything I needed; everything that I’d wanted.

And I was falling. But he was there and he was catching me, holding my heart in his hands. And instead of squeezing it, instead of breaking it he was caressing it, making me feel beautiful and loved.

”I love you too, John,” I said quietly.