Tear Tracks Forever

I hardly remember what happened the rest of the day. I remember crying and pouring my heart out to Alex, and then him taking me home. I woke up, bleary-eyed the next morning, around 2:00 in the afternoon. Whoa, 2:00??? I normally wake up around 9 or10. This is weird. I felt disgusting, the way I normally felt when I woke up late. I stepped into the shower and after my shower, threw on a plain white V-neck and old jeans and white flip flops. I went downstairs and saw Alex sitting on the couch next to Carmella. When Carmella saw me, she shouted with joy and threw her arms around my neck. I smiled slightly and hugged her back, feeling a little awkward although I didn’t know why.

I stretched out on the couch, still feeling tired and drained from yesterday. The rest of the events of the day were like dominos. They all fell into place. It was pretty normal, Mrs. Markin coming home from work, dinner, and that was it. I could tell the Markins were worried about me, I had barely said anything today except to answer their questions. The truth was, I was too tired and depressed to say anything. Not tired as in sleepy tired, but tired of all this shit. And depressed.

A week quickly flew by. It was basically the same for me. Wake up, go to the beach, come home, eat, and go to bed at 9:00 and curl into a tight ball and cry. It was the only time where I could express myself. And I was slowly pushing Alex away. We hadn’t talked really about anything in a while. He tried to get me to go out somewhere, or even take a walk in the beach, but I refused.

Today, through, he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

“You’re coming with me,” he stood in front of me, arms crossed, as I ate an apple in the kitchen.

“No,” I said.

“I’m not taking no for an answer,” he told me, dead serious.

“No,” I repeated.

He sat down next to me. “Rhee, I’m begging you. Please come with me. You haven’t talked to me in a week.”

“Alex, for the tenth time, I’m not mad at you or anything. I just need some time to get through this,” I told him.

“I know. And I respect and understand that. But please, please, please come with me. Just for a quick walk on the beach. I wouldn’t be begging you like this if it wasn’t important. Every other time you’ve said no, I understood and kept my distance. But, please, come with me,” he begged.

“I don’t know,” I said slowly. He seemed to be genuine, but I really wasn’t up to it. I just wanted to crawl into bed.

“Please. I promise you won’t regret it,” he tried.

“Okay. But I don’t promise that I’ll suddenly become happy,” I told him.

“I’m not asking that. But let’s go,” he said.

“First let me change,” I told him, running upstairs and then changing into a pair of Nike shorts and a swim team T shirt and out of my pajamas. My hair was wet, and I didn’t see any point in pulling it back, so I slipped on some flip flops and we left a note for Mrs. Markin telling her where we’d gone.

We started down the steps, walked a few blocks, and onto the boardwalk when I realized Alex was holding a black guitar case.

“Alex! Why do you have that guitar? I didn’t even know you played,” I told him, wondering if he was going to try and sell it or something.

“I do. I love guitar,” he told me.

“Okay, but why do you have it with you?” I asked.

“You’ll see,” he said, smiling wryly.

I tried to figure out what that meant, but suddenly a thought dawned on me. “You’re not going to sing to me…are you?” I asked.

‘You’ll see,” he repeated.

I smacked his arm as we neared the beach. “Alex! Just tell me!”

“Be patient. You’ll see,” he said once again.

We kept walking until we found a shady spot in between a giant rock and underneath the boardwalk. Alex sat down on the rock, and I sat next to him.

He opened his guitar case and pulled out a guitar pick and the guitar itself.

“Alex! What are you doing?” I asked. No answer from him.

“Alex?” I tried again.

He stared at me for a second, and then kissed me. “Sorry. Just had to shut you up,” he grinned, and began to play.

I was quiet; I really wanted to know what he was doing. After he strummed the first few chords, I quickly knew what song it was. It was one of my favorite songs, and I faintly remembered telling that to him.

Then he quietly began to sing, and then his voice was louder as he gained more confidence.

“While everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it, I'm not in it to win it
And there's a thousand ways you can skin it

My feet have been on the floor flat like an idle singer
Remember winger, I digress
I confess you are the best thing in my life

But I'm afraid when I hear stories about a husband and wife
There's no happy endings, no Henry Lee
But you are the greatest thing about me

If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better

If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever

And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather that flock together

Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, love
That's enough for me

Took a loan on a house I own
Can't be a queen bee without a bee throne
I wanna buy you everything except cologne 'cause it's poison

We can travel to Spain where the rain falls
Mainly on the plain side and sing
'Cause it is we can laugh, we can sing
Have ten kids and give them everything

Hold our cell phones up in the air
And just be glad that we made it here alive
On a spinning ball in the middle of space
I love you from your toes to your face

If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better

If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever

And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather that flock together

Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, love
That's enough for me

You can move in, I won't ask where you've been
'Cause everybody has a past
When we're older we'll do it all over again

When everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it, I'm not in it to win it
I'm in it for you

If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
Then the rest is just whenever

If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better

And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather that flock together

Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, love
That's enough for me…”

As he finished the song, his voice slowly grew quieter and he smiled at me. I could barely speak, that was so sweet! And so romantic!

Without giving me a chance to talk, he sighed. “Rhee, I know what you’re going through. I’ve been through the same thing. But after a while of this, I realized I had to move on. I’m not telling you to just forget your dad, but you don’t have to stop living your life because of it. I don’t want you to end up like my mom, broken beyond repair. I’m not trying to be mean either. It’s just that you shouldn’t let this stop you or base your life off of this one experience. That’s the advice I followed, given to me by an older friend. He told me to move on, and to use this loss to make me stronger. And that’s what I did. That’s what I’m telling you to do,” he finished up, looking at me.

Finding my voice, I managed to say, “You must’ve had a wise friend.” My voice came out really cracked, probably because of the tears appearing in my eyes.

“Yeah,” he said.

I rested my head on his shoulder, and he put his guitar in the case and wrapped his arms around me.

“I believe you. I know that’s what I should do. Use this to make me stronger. Move on,” I repeated.

“Are you going to?” he asked, surprising me.

“Yes. I trust you. I love you,” the words blurted out of my mouth and I surprised even myself.

“I love you more,” he said, brushing his fingers through my hair,

I cringed suddenly, jumping up. “But you can’t!” I yelled at him.

Looking slightly confused, he asked me, “Why not?”

“Because...because...I don’t deserve to be loved!” I burst.

“Yes, you do. I know you haven’t been really loved your whole life, but you can’t be scared to. I love you, and that’s what I told you when you were in the hospital and now. You can’t be scared to have someone love you,” he repeated gently.

He’d said the words gently, but to me it felt like he’d splashed ice cold water on me that had drenched me through.

“I know that,” I mumbled.

“Really? You’re capable of love. It doesn’t have to end. It has to start,” he told me.

“But what…if I’m not capable of being loved?” my voice faltered, and I looked down.

“I need you. And I love you. That’s enough for me,” he said, quoting the song lyrics.

“You don’t need me,” I told him.

“Yes I do. You’re the best part of me,” he quoted again.

“No, I’m not. I’m just a horrible fail who has been broken her whole life! You don’t need someone like me,” I cried.

“I do. I love you,” he repeated stubbornly.

“You don’t mean that.”

“Rhee, I honestly do. Just accept it, that I love you. You have to let it start somewhere.”
“Why?”

“Because you deserve someone who will love you for who you are. And that’s me. Don’t live in the past, just live for right now.”

“But, do you really love me?” I asked him.

“Yes, with all my heart, I do,” he said it s gently and didn’t sound exasperated at all. I had to believe him. Sometimes you had to learn to trust, no matter if you were going to lose the person or not.

“But…what if I lose you?” I asked.

“You won’t. I’m not dying anytime soon, or leaving you anytime soon,” he gave me a faint smile.

“Promise?” I asked softly.

“I promise,” he said, reaching out and pulling me into his arms while tumbling off the rock into the soft, warm sand.

I squealed as we fell, but he only laughed and tightened his arms around me. And then he held me gently till sunrise as I spoke to him and let out my feelings about the ball of sadness, loneliness, anger, and loss of love that had been bound to my heart. I let it free.