I'm Supposed To Love You

The elevator doors opened as I stood up. I had been sobbing on the floor of the elevator for about six trips up and six trips down from the eigth floor to the first. Finally, on my last trip down, the doors opened and there stood Peter. I didn't want him to see me like this, so I closed the elevator doors. He put his hand on the closing door and pushed it back open. Even though he kept trying to comfort me, I just kept trying to shut him out. Finally, he sighed angrily and let the doors close. Before they were sealed, I heard him say, heatedly, "Audrey, you need to talk to me!"

The elevator finally started moving again as I wept even more. When the elevator opened to the fourth floor, Erin held open the door. She looked at me sympathetically and asked, "Are you alright?"

Yeah, I'm fucking fantastic.

Just as I looked back at my knees to avoid eye contact, someone stepped into the elevator, and I prayed to God it wasn't Erin. Whoever walked in sat down next to me and the doors shut as Erin moved back. They put their hand on my back and rubbed it in circles. "You can do it, Audrey," they said, breaking the silence.

"Do what?" I asked.

The person got up for a second and hit the emergency stop button, then sat back down, continuing the back-rubbing. "Give Pete the best life he can possibly have," they replied. After more speaking, I recognized his voice as Patrick's.

"What if I'm not ready?" I asked.

"Why wouldn't you be ready?"

"I don't know if I can completely trust him to not find anybody better than me."

"What gave you that idea?"

I sat silently and Patrick took that as an "I don't want to talk about it," reply. He sighed and put my head on his chest. "You're better than any of his other girlfriends, I'll tell you that."

"You don't know what I've done," I countered.

"You mean the whole kissing Brendon thing?" My eyes widened as I looked up at him, sitting up straight.

"How did you know?"

"Did you really think Ryan could ever keep his mouth shut? Even if he tried?"

"How would Ryan know?"

"Does Katherine know? Because I already know Brendon told him."

"She does...."

"Then there you go."

After a couple moments of silence, I asked, "Does Peter know?"

"I think he's the only one that doesn't."

I looked back down onto my lap, where I watched my hands subconsciously play with each other. I sighed and looked at Patrick. "What do I do?"

"Tell him." It sounded so simple when it came from Patrick's mouth, but in my reality, this was going to be worse than a dental operation without novacaine.

"He'll leave me," I replied, my face lined with worry and despair.

I guess Patrick figured I was right, because he then hung his head in exhaustion. "He'd probably overreact, yeah. But it doesn't usually last."

"What doesn't?"

"His anger, resentment, grudges, etc, you know?"

I merely nodded. Then Patrick hugged me to him like the world was going to end. "You need to talk to him. No matter what, he's going to find out. Why not let the hurt subside after a couple days? I mean, rather than having him see you as though you betrayed him?"

I pulled Patrick closer. "I guess you're right. But promise me something."

I let go of him as he got up to press the first floor's button. "Anything, Audrey."

"Promise me that I can talk to you whenever I need to, even after Pete and I break up."

Patrick turned back to me and shook his head slightly, as though he were saying, "Are you serious?"

"Patrick...."

"Of course, Audrey! I'll always be here for you, even though you and Peter will always be the greatest couple ever. I can picture it now: Peter Wentz and Audrey Sparce, sitting on the front porch. Audrey's knitting Peter a sweater while Peter's telling her stories about his childhood... if he can remember them."

I giggled lightly and rolled my eyes before wiping my cheeks free of tears. "Whatever, Pat."

"Don't call me that!"

I laughed and brushed myself off. Before the doors opened, Patrick assured me, "I told Erin to talk to Pete and calm him down." I simply smiled gratfully to him.

Then, the elevator doors separated. Peter had apparently finished talking to Erin, because I couldn't see her. But I assumed she did a good job of calming him down, because he looked sheepishly sad. His hand was hidden by his head, so I'm guessing he was scratching the back of his head. He was also nervously tracing absolutely nothing on the floor of the lobby.

The ding of the elevator made him look up at me. I took a couple steps toward him, but not so much where we were close.

He stood there in front of me, anticipating whatever it was I had to say. I took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. Before I could grow weak in his presence, I told him what I needed to.

"We need to talk."

-------------------------------------------------

I had told Peter everything within about fifteen minutes. He became angry, but then let it go. He also said that he'd talk to Brendon. I told Peter I was telling him now, so what did it matter? Eventually he agreed and started to comfort me as I cried about being a terrible girlfriend.

Now, I was on my way home. I had left without saying goodbye. I was too upset to deal with anything.

I got to the front door and unlocked it. I stepped inside and smelled delicious food. Confused, I walked into the kitchen and saw Steven, Kitty, Ryan, and Brendon all enjoying P.F. Chang's take-out. I didn't say anything while I walked toward Kitty and sat down on the other side of her, as Ryan was on the side closer to the front door. I quickly packed a paper plate with chow mein and mushu pork and stood up as I felt Brendon's stare on me. I went to the refrigerator, grabbed a Coca-Cola, took my plate, and made my way upstairs to my bedroom.

I sat down on my bed and turned the TV on as I set my plate on the nightstand. I settled myself into my pillows and put my plate on my lap, my drink taking its place on the nightstand. I took the remote and flipped through the channels. Finally, I landed on Comedy Central, where I proceeded to watch Comedy Central Presents. I'd continually laugh with food in my mouth. Occasionally, I laughed so hard, I thought my chow mein would come out through my nose. Then, I heard a knock on my door as I packed some mushu pork in one of the Chinese pancakes. I put it all down and reached for the remote to mute the television. "Come in," I called.

The door slowly opened and revealed Brendon, his head hanging as he stepped inside cautiously. "What?" I asked him rudely.

"I wanted to apologize," he answered. I simply sat silently on the bed, not eating, not making eye contact, and not reaching for the remote. "Audrey took me back." He made it sound like casual chit-chat. "She said she loved me.... And I said it back."

"Did you mean it?"

"I do love her. I'm just not in love with her."

"Then you'd better start learning to be in love her." My voice was laced with venom.

"I can't choose these things, Audrey!" I looked at Brendon for the first time today. His hair was a mess, bags were under his eyes, and he generally looked frustrated and tired.

"Then at least have respect for my relationship with Peter." My words bit his ego in places that I knew would never heal, even if they weren't insulting.

Brendon didn't reply. Instead, he threw his arms in the air and shook his head as he turned back around to leave my room. After exiting, he slammed my door.

Tears stung the corners of my eyes as I realized the cold reality of my situation: I had lost a friend.