Drowning in a River of Denial
You Could've Let Us Know He Was Okay!
The white room I woke up in was dark, the lights turned off. The only sound was of the heart monitor. There was no one in the room. I was alone.
I sat up and just then, the door opened. A doctor came in, flicked the light on and walked over to me.
“How are you feeling, Mr. Dawson?” he asked. He was tall, skinny and young.
“Uhm. Fine. What happened?” I replied. He walked over to the side of the bed and lifted my gown up. There, on the right side of my abdomen, was a piece of gauze, which he peeled back. Underneath was a line of stitches, holding the incision together while it healed.
“Your appendix had ruptured when Mr. Gaskarth brought you in. We performed an emergency appendectomy to remove it and you seem to be healing up nicely.”
He redressed the area with fresh gauze and smiled at me.
“Where is he? Alex, I mean.”
“In the waiting room. I wanted to wait until you were awake so send in visitors.”
“Is anyone else here?” I asked. I only wanted to see Alex. I remember saying something awful to him, that hurt him and I wanted to apologize. But I couldn’t do that if the others were here.
“No. Just Mr. Gaskarth.”
I nodded as he left and a few minutes later, Alex burst in.
“Rian! You’re awake!”
He threw himself onto me, hugging me tightly. I wrapped my arms around him in return, breathing in that wonderful Alex smell.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. He drew back, moving off my lap and sitting on the mattress.
“What for?”
“I think… I think I hurt you last night.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that.”
“No, really, Alex. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. At all.”
There was a wide, genuinely happy smile spreading across Alex’s adorable face. I pulled him in close and he pressed his lips against mine. The beeping of the heart monitor sped up as he ran his tongue along my lower and then upper lip. I gripped the front of his shirt until he pulled away, laughing.
“Do I really have that effect on you, Ri? I thought that only happened in books and movies.”
I blushed and buried my head into his chest.
“We should talk,” he said, moving backwards. I pulled my legs in, crossing them as he sat the same way across from me.
“What about?”
“Me and you.”
My heart stuttered, and you could hear it on the monitor. Alex looked worriedly at it.
“A-alright.”
“I don’t even know where to start, Rian. There’s so many things wrong that I can’t even. I mean. Where do we go now?”
I stared at the rambling singer. Once he was finished, he just stared back at me, waiting for a reply. I had none though.
“Ri,” he finally said soberly. I chewed on my lip. I really didn’t want to have this conversation.
“I don’t know, Lex. I really don’t. Why do we have to decide this now?”
The door opened again and the doctor walked in, followed by Jack, Zack and Matt.
“Look who I found!” The doctor said.
“Oh my god! Thank god, you’re okay!” Jack squeaked and ran over to me, jumping into my laps and latching himself onto me. I laughed.
“Alex, you really should have let us know that he was okay!” Flyzik scolded. Alex turned a bright pink and got off the bed, sitting in the chair beside my bed.
“Jack, it was just an appendectomy. I wasn’t dying,” I reminded the guitarist, peeling him off me. Zack lifted him off my lap and set him on the chair beside Alex, shaking his head.
“But. But.”
Jack still looked worried, as if he might vomit at any minute. He had an awful time when he was worrying about someone he cares about.
“Jack, look at me,” I said softly. He looked up at me, eyes glimmering slightly. “I’m fine. The doctor said I’m healing very well. I am not going to die, not anytime soon. I promise.”
He smiled and turned to Alex and punched him hard in the arm. Alex yelped and covered his injured upper arm.
“You asshole! You could’ve let us know he was okay!”
Alex looked alarmed, but it was the cutest face I’d ever seen. His eyes were wide and his jaw had gone slack. Just simply adorable.
“I was a little busy filling out paperwork!” Alex tried to defend himself.
But Jack shot back, “One text, Alex. All you had to say was ‘he’s not going to die’ or even simpler, ‘he’s alive.’ Anything, you stupid fucking dickhead! Anything would’ve been better than the nothing we got!”
I covered my mouth as I started laughing.
“I’m sorry! I was busy!”
“Well, next time, don’t be so busy!”
This was where I piped up, “There’s not going to be a next time. I can only have my appendix out once.”
But oh, looking back, how I wished I’d never said anything.
I sat up and just then, the door opened. A doctor came in, flicked the light on and walked over to me.
“How are you feeling, Mr. Dawson?” he asked. He was tall, skinny and young.
“Uhm. Fine. What happened?” I replied. He walked over to the side of the bed and lifted my gown up. There, on the right side of my abdomen, was a piece of gauze, which he peeled back. Underneath was a line of stitches, holding the incision together while it healed.
“Your appendix had ruptured when Mr. Gaskarth brought you in. We performed an emergency appendectomy to remove it and you seem to be healing up nicely.”
He redressed the area with fresh gauze and smiled at me.
“Where is he? Alex, I mean.”
“In the waiting room. I wanted to wait until you were awake so send in visitors.”
“Is anyone else here?” I asked. I only wanted to see Alex. I remember saying something awful to him, that hurt him and I wanted to apologize. But I couldn’t do that if the others were here.
“No. Just Mr. Gaskarth.”
I nodded as he left and a few minutes later, Alex burst in.
“Rian! You’re awake!”
He threw himself onto me, hugging me tightly. I wrapped my arms around him in return, breathing in that wonderful Alex smell.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. He drew back, moving off my lap and sitting on the mattress.
“What for?”
“I think… I think I hurt you last night.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that.”
“No, really, Alex. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. At all.”
There was a wide, genuinely happy smile spreading across Alex’s adorable face. I pulled him in close and he pressed his lips against mine. The beeping of the heart monitor sped up as he ran his tongue along my lower and then upper lip. I gripped the front of his shirt until he pulled away, laughing.
“Do I really have that effect on you, Ri? I thought that only happened in books and movies.”
I blushed and buried my head into his chest.
“We should talk,” he said, moving backwards. I pulled my legs in, crossing them as he sat the same way across from me.
“What about?”
“Me and you.”
My heart stuttered, and you could hear it on the monitor. Alex looked worriedly at it.
“A-alright.”
“I don’t even know where to start, Rian. There’s so many things wrong that I can’t even. I mean. Where do we go now?”
I stared at the rambling singer. Once he was finished, he just stared back at me, waiting for a reply. I had none though.
“Ri,” he finally said soberly. I chewed on my lip. I really didn’t want to have this conversation.
“I don’t know, Lex. I really don’t. Why do we have to decide this now?”
The door opened again and the doctor walked in, followed by Jack, Zack and Matt.
“Look who I found!” The doctor said.
“Oh my god! Thank god, you’re okay!” Jack squeaked and ran over to me, jumping into my laps and latching himself onto me. I laughed.
“Alex, you really should have let us know that he was okay!” Flyzik scolded. Alex turned a bright pink and got off the bed, sitting in the chair beside my bed.
“Jack, it was just an appendectomy. I wasn’t dying,” I reminded the guitarist, peeling him off me. Zack lifted him off my lap and set him on the chair beside Alex, shaking his head.
“But. But.”
Jack still looked worried, as if he might vomit at any minute. He had an awful time when he was worrying about someone he cares about.
“Jack, look at me,” I said softly. He looked up at me, eyes glimmering slightly. “I’m fine. The doctor said I’m healing very well. I am not going to die, not anytime soon. I promise.”
He smiled and turned to Alex and punched him hard in the arm. Alex yelped and covered his injured upper arm.
“You asshole! You could’ve let us know he was okay!”
Alex looked alarmed, but it was the cutest face I’d ever seen. His eyes were wide and his jaw had gone slack. Just simply adorable.
“I was a little busy filling out paperwork!” Alex tried to defend himself.
But Jack shot back, “One text, Alex. All you had to say was ‘he’s not going to die’ or even simpler, ‘he’s alive.’ Anything, you stupid fucking dickhead! Anything would’ve been better than the nothing we got!”
I covered my mouth as I started laughing.
“I’m sorry! I was busy!”
“Well, next time, don’t be so busy!”
This was where I piped up, “There’s not going to be a next time. I can only have my appendix out once.”
But oh, looking back, how I wished I’d never said anything.