Drowning in a River of Denial
Don't Come Home. Ever.
I regret going to that party. I wholeheartedly wish I hadn’t. I wish I’d held onto Alex all night, keeping him right there with me. Maybe then, it wouldn’t have happened. Maybe then, hell wouldn’t have broken loose and my world come crumbling down by one stupid fucking mistake.
It started off with a nice dinner, with shouting and laughing and flying food. Then someone broke out beer pong which lead to a huge tournament in the backyard for an hour and a half. But by this time, everyone was so completely hammered that no one noticed the underlying tension that was stirring. I wasn’t even sure what it was until three beers and a failed game of Flip Cup later.
“Rian!” Jack sang, hooking his arm over my shoulders and pull me close to him. I chuckled and held him around the waist.
“Jacky!”
“Have you seen Alex?” he asked.
“No. Why?”
“He’s missing, and so is Zack.”
Zack was a big boy. I knew he’d be fine. I knew he was probably hooking up with some girl in the darkened corner of the house. But it was Alex I was worried about. He always got emotional, all happy at first and then crying over nothing. He’s unstable.
Jack let me go and the party continued. We were all drinking until we couldn’t anymore.
I had told Liam, one of our friends from high school that I’d be right back, that I needed to piss, before stumbling off into the house. The bathroom was tucked in the corner of the house, far from the back door and I was contemplating just relieving myself into one of the many potted plants. Luckily, I found the bathroom before it could come to that. After almost missing the toilet bowl, and washing my hands sloppily, I headed back out, bumping into the doorframe and losing my balance. I slammed into the door across the hallway from me and it opened, revealing a couple going at it on the bed. Impaired judgment told me to turn on the light.
I wish I hadn’t.
Alex and one of my oldest friends, Tyler were not only going at it, but they were in fact doing it. Both naked, Tyler was thrusting wildly and sloppily inside of Alex, who was moaning like a whore. They didn’t even notice that I’d turned on the light.
“Really?” I snapped. Tyler and Alex froze and turned to look at me.
“H-hey Ri, what’s up?” Tyler slurred. Alex stared at me, his eyes wide and glazed over. He was so drunk that just by the look on his face, I could tell that he wasn’t sure what was going on.
“Fuck this. Alex, don’t come home. Ever.”
“Rian?” he asked. I left and went straight to the liquor cabinet. I rummaged around and found what I was looking for, the strongest shit in there. Everclear 190 proof, the kind of shit that will fuck you up. The kind of shit that will leave you senseless if you drink too much. And I was going to drink it all.
I shouldn’t have.
But I just didn’t want to remember seeing Alex with another guy. I didn’t want to remember anything. I just wanted to forget everything. Alex and Tyler. Alex in general. Even myself. I just wanted to be numb for awhile. I wanted to be responsible for nothing, not even my own well being. I was stupid, so stupid, for thinking that way. I knew I was going to get hurt but really, I did not care at all.
I walked out into the party area, took one look at their happy expressions and took a long swig straight from the bottle. I hated them all for that moment and I had to get away from the laughing. I turned and left as quickly as I could, while drinking from the bottle in my hand. I found my keys in the bowl by the kitchen sink and headed for the street.
My conscience was screaming at me, chiding me not to do it.
I didn’t listen, of course. I didn’t listen and it almost cost me my life. I was driving, and there was so many bright lights. I remember drinking and getting dizzy… I remember seeing the car coming at me…. I remember thinking about Alex one last time before the metal of their car and the metal of my car screamed, slamming together at 89 miles an hour on my end. It was a mistake. It was stupid. It hurt. I remember the pain in my legs, in my head, in my entire body as I was slammed back and forth between my seat and my steering wheel. I remember the blood, so much and everywhere. Then, I didn’t remember. I wasn’t anywhere. I wasn’t in pain. I just… I wasn’t anything.
Alex. Alex, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never told you that I never wanted you to see anyone else. I assumed you knew. I assumed you wanted the same thing. I never wanted anyone but you. Not once we started. Sure, I’ve had girlfriends and flings. I’ve loved and been loved. But I’ve never felt as safe and as comfortable as I do with you. We sneak around. We share this secret affair. I should’ve known why you were so good at it. You’ve done this before, haven’t you? You probably have three other guys you’re with, sneaking and fucking behind everyone’s backs. I shouldn’t be surprised I caught you tonight. I just wanted you all to myself. Selfish, I know. That’s how I came to be, here. Like this. Wherever I am. I got into an accident. I think. Maybe not. I just. I wanted everything and you tore that apart, by letting Tyler fuck you like that, drunk and incapable of telling up from down. You tore what we had apart. I just wanted to be happy with you. That’s over now. Everything’s over. I have to accept that. I’m probably dead now. Replace me in the band with someone good. Remember me well. Remember that I loved you. Maybe you don’t know that. But I wish you did. I wish you knew how much I fucking love you. Guess you’ll never know now.
It started off with a nice dinner, with shouting and laughing and flying food. Then someone broke out beer pong which lead to a huge tournament in the backyard for an hour and a half. But by this time, everyone was so completely hammered that no one noticed the underlying tension that was stirring. I wasn’t even sure what it was until three beers and a failed game of Flip Cup later.
“Rian!” Jack sang, hooking his arm over my shoulders and pull me close to him. I chuckled and held him around the waist.
“Jacky!”
“Have you seen Alex?” he asked.
“No. Why?”
“He’s missing, and so is Zack.”
Zack was a big boy. I knew he’d be fine. I knew he was probably hooking up with some girl in the darkened corner of the house. But it was Alex I was worried about. He always got emotional, all happy at first and then crying over nothing. He’s unstable.
Jack let me go and the party continued. We were all drinking until we couldn’t anymore.
I had told Liam, one of our friends from high school that I’d be right back, that I needed to piss, before stumbling off into the house. The bathroom was tucked in the corner of the house, far from the back door and I was contemplating just relieving myself into one of the many potted plants. Luckily, I found the bathroom before it could come to that. After almost missing the toilet bowl, and washing my hands sloppily, I headed back out, bumping into the doorframe and losing my balance. I slammed into the door across the hallway from me and it opened, revealing a couple going at it on the bed. Impaired judgment told me to turn on the light.
I wish I hadn’t.
Alex and one of my oldest friends, Tyler were not only going at it, but they were in fact doing it. Both naked, Tyler was thrusting wildly and sloppily inside of Alex, who was moaning like a whore. They didn’t even notice that I’d turned on the light.
“Really?” I snapped. Tyler and Alex froze and turned to look at me.
“H-hey Ri, what’s up?” Tyler slurred. Alex stared at me, his eyes wide and glazed over. He was so drunk that just by the look on his face, I could tell that he wasn’t sure what was going on.
“Fuck this. Alex, don’t come home. Ever.”
“Rian?” he asked. I left and went straight to the liquor cabinet. I rummaged around and found what I was looking for, the strongest shit in there. Everclear 190 proof, the kind of shit that will fuck you up. The kind of shit that will leave you senseless if you drink too much. And I was going to drink it all.
I shouldn’t have.
But I just didn’t want to remember seeing Alex with another guy. I didn’t want to remember anything. I just wanted to forget everything. Alex and Tyler. Alex in general. Even myself. I just wanted to be numb for awhile. I wanted to be responsible for nothing, not even my own well being. I was stupid, so stupid, for thinking that way. I knew I was going to get hurt but really, I did not care at all.
I walked out into the party area, took one look at their happy expressions and took a long swig straight from the bottle. I hated them all for that moment and I had to get away from the laughing. I turned and left as quickly as I could, while drinking from the bottle in my hand. I found my keys in the bowl by the kitchen sink and headed for the street.
My conscience was screaming at me, chiding me not to do it.
I didn’t listen, of course. I didn’t listen and it almost cost me my life. I was driving, and there was so many bright lights. I remember drinking and getting dizzy… I remember seeing the car coming at me…. I remember thinking about Alex one last time before the metal of their car and the metal of my car screamed, slamming together at 89 miles an hour on my end. It was a mistake. It was stupid. It hurt. I remember the pain in my legs, in my head, in my entire body as I was slammed back and forth between my seat and my steering wheel. I remember the blood, so much and everywhere. Then, I didn’t remember. I wasn’t anywhere. I wasn’t in pain. I just… I wasn’t anything.
Alex. Alex, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never told you that I never wanted you to see anyone else. I assumed you knew. I assumed you wanted the same thing. I never wanted anyone but you. Not once we started. Sure, I’ve had girlfriends and flings. I’ve loved and been loved. But I’ve never felt as safe and as comfortable as I do with you. We sneak around. We share this secret affair. I should’ve known why you were so good at it. You’ve done this before, haven’t you? You probably have three other guys you’re with, sneaking and fucking behind everyone’s backs. I shouldn’t be surprised I caught you tonight. I just wanted you all to myself. Selfish, I know. That’s how I came to be, here. Like this. Wherever I am. I got into an accident. I think. Maybe not. I just. I wanted everything and you tore that apart, by letting Tyler fuck you like that, drunk and incapable of telling up from down. You tore what we had apart. I just wanted to be happy with you. That’s over now. Everything’s over. I have to accept that. I’m probably dead now. Replace me in the band with someone good. Remember me well. Remember that I loved you. Maybe you don’t know that. But I wish you did. I wish you knew how much I fucking love you. Guess you’ll never know now.