Drowning in a River of Denial

{Jack}
I found Alex on his knees in the bus lot, crying silently into his hands.

“Lex?” I rested my hand on his shoulder, which shook as he tried to calm himself down.

“I knew it. I knew I shouldn’t have let him out of my sight. He was so worried all day. He was so scared. I didn’t believe him, or them. I just. It’s all my fault, Jack. I shouldn’t have left him.”

“This is not your fault, Alexander. Do you hear me? There is nothing you could’ve done.”

“Yes, there is. I could’ve been with him. I could’ve made sure that no one was,” his voice broke off as he dissolved into a fit of sobs. I collected him into my arms and let him cry into my chest.

Time didn’t seem to matter to us at this moment. It was just Alex crying and me holding him. That was all that mattered. I couldn’t reach my cell phone to call anyone and he was too enveloped in the trauma he’d just went through to care.

“Alex. Alex. Let’s go back to the bus. You must be exhausted. We’ll get you a nice cup of coffee and then we’ll see about Rian,” I cooed, trying to ease him up off the pavement.

“No! I need to find him,” he snapped, pushing me away.

“How are you going to do that, Alex?” I replied back, voice sharp.

“I don’t know! But I can’t just sit around and drink coffee while some sick bastards have my boyfriend, Jack!”

“You need to calm down! Screaming at the world isn’t going to bring Rian back,” I finally snapped.

“Well, I can damn well fucking try!” he snarled in return, ripping himself from my grasp. He stood up and started to stomp off. I followed behind, meanwhile pulling out my phone and texting Matt. He called me immediately.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN RIAN IS GONE AND ALEX IS TRYING TO RUN AFTER HIM?!” he screeched, his voice booming through the receiver. I held the phone out away from me and waited for a moment.

“I mean that some psychos in black clothing snatched Rian and now Alex is mad at himself for letting it happen so I’m following him so he doesn’t hurt himself.”

“Jack,” Matt said softly. He sighed. “You’re really not just fucking with me?”

“I’m not fucking with you this time, Matthew. I wish I were. But, Rian was kidnapped and Alex is about ready to harm himself.”

Matt was quiet. All I could hear as I walked along a safe distance behind Alex, was the shouts of distant tour mates through my speakers.

“I’m going to call the police. Try and herd Alex back here, or at the very least, make sure he doesn’t get himself killed on this crusade.”

“I’ll try.”

“Thanks, Jack.”

That was where I should’ve hung up, but I couldn’t.

“Matt?”

“What’s up?”

“I’m scared.”

“I know, Jacky. It’ll be okay.”

“God, I never apologized to Rian for kissing Alex. God, I’ve never told anyone that. I just, I don’t even know what came over me that day. I’m not even gay. I just wanted Alex to make me forget for a while. And I tried to take that away from Rian,” I whimpered.

“Hey. Don’t talk like that. We’ll get him back. And then you can apologize to him for making out with his boyfriend. But until then, focus on Alex. Get him back here safe.”

“Okay.”

“It’ll be okay, Jack. Just breathe, okay?”

I nodded and finally hung up. I wiped tears from my eyes and looked up. Alex had sunk to his knees on the sidewalk a few blocks from the venue, his sobs resounding down the quiet lane. I scooped him up in my arms and held him. Unexpectedly, his lips met mine and he pushed me backwards so I was holding myself up on my elbows, his body molded to mine as he kissed me hungrily.

“Alex!” I gasped as I attempted to push him off.

“You were practically trying to fuck me a few months ago! What changed?” he asked bitterly.

“You’re in love with Rian? The boyfriend that went missing tonight? Did you forget any of that in the past 5 minutes?”

He glowered at me.

“You think I FORGOT? Of course, I didn’t forget! You’re an asshole for thinking I forgot. I need to forget about it, just for a little while. I need something to take my mind off of the fact that I’m useless! I need you to fuck me, so I don’t dwell on Rian being gone.”

I stared at him as he licked his lips.

His voice came out as a whisper, desperate and thick with tears.

“Please, Jack. Fuck me so I don’t have to blame myself for a little while.”

He needed to forget Rian and I wanted to forget Holly and the disaster that is our off-and-on relationship.

“Okay.”