Drowning in a River of Denial

I went back to Jack’s the next night, after spending half the day just lying in bed with Rian. I had to make it up to Jack, for being such a twat. I was just hoping he didn’t hate me. I didn’t blame him if he did though. I used him and then left him as soon as Rian was back. I had to fix it, or at least try.

I knocked on his door and tapped my foot while I waited. He finally pulled open the door, looked at me, and then shut the door again.

“Jack!” I called, knocking again.

“I don’t want to talk to you, Alexander.”

“Alexander? Come on, Jack, let me in.”

“No.”

“Don’t be like this, man. We need to talk.”

“What about? How you used to me and then left as soon as your fucking boyfriend was back? Does Rian know about that? Did you share that bit of information with him? Were you decent enough to look him in the eye and tell him you fucked your best friend behind his back?”

“Jack, please, just open the door so we can talk about this like civilized people.”

It was quiet for a second and then the door opened. Jack stood off to the side, his eyes on the floor. He didn’t want to look at me, and to be honest, I didn’t blame him. I didn’t want to look at me either. I walked in slowly and found my way to his kitchen table. He slid into the seat across from me and then hesitantly, looked at me.

“Talk,” he said.

“Alright, I wanted to apologize. You didn’t deserve what I did to you. You’re one of the sweetest guys I know, Jack, and I took advantage of that. I knew you were having problems with Holly and I knew I could use that. I’m sorry I’m such an asshole and I’m sorry I led you on. I just, I love you, man. I don’t want this to hurt us, but I know it will. It has to change everything. I’m sorry.”

“Alex, you realize why it was wrong, right?”

“Because you got hurt,” I guessed.

“Yeah, that too.”

“Then enlighten me, Jack. I apologized for everything. What else could there possibly be to apologize for?”

“You lied. You cheated. You used me. You, goddamn it, Alex. Are you getting this?”

I nodded.

“Just say it, Jack.”

“Say what?” he snapped.

“That you hate me. We both know it’s coming. You hate me and it’s all my fault.”

Jack hugged me unexpectedly, wrapping his arms tight around my waist and holding me against his chest.

“Oh, Alex, no matter how bad you hurt me, or use me, or make me feel like shit, I will never hate you. You’re my best friend, and that means that I will love you through whatever happens. Just, do me and favor, don’t do that ever again.”

I smiled and stepped out of his arms.

“Let me make you dinner and we’ll have some best friend bonding time.”

“I’m not cuddling with you,” Jack stated. I laughed.

“No snuggles, just you and me watching horrible movies, while drinking and making fun of bad acting.”

“That sounds good. Do you want to call Rian, let him know you won’t be home tonight?”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” I said, grabbing his phone while he set up the TV and DVD player. I dialed my home phone while I rifled through his cabinets, searching for something to make.

“Jack?” Rian answered.

“Incorrect,” I replied, pulling out a box of mashed potatoes.

“Hey baby.”

“Hey, I just wanted to call and let you know I won’t be back tonight. Jack and I are gonna talk about some shit and drink too much.”

“Sounds like fun, babe. Have fun.”

“Are you okay with this?” I asked quietly, trading the box of mashed potatoes for a box of spaghetti and a jar of spaghetti sauce.

“Alex, I trust you. Have fun with your best friend.”

“I apologize in advance for the calls you’re going to get.”

“I’m used to them by now, Lex. Just go have fun. I love you.”

“I love you too,” I said before I hung up.

“So you’re at that point,” Jack said, appearing behind me. I spun around quickly to face him.

“Y-yeah. He said it at the hospital.”

“Good for you guys.”

“Are you being serious right now or are you being a dick?”

“I’m being serious. I’m happy for you guys. You were always a cute couple.”

“Why did you try to,” I trailed off.

“Fuck, Alex, I knew you’d let me. I wanted to get over Holly and you were the only way that I could find. But that obviously didn’t fucking work. I should really just try to move on with someone who I could actually be with and be happy with. I don’t know why I thought of you, but I knew you wouldn’t turn me away.”

“Who’s using who now,” I muttered.

“Yeah, we’re both horrible people. But that’s why we’re so close, isn’t it? Because although we have these ginormous faults, we somehow manage to overlook them and just be friends.”

I nodded.

“You’re not wrong.”

“Alright, let’s stop talking about this shit. It’s depressing the fuck out of me. Where’s dinner?”

“Go pick out the movies and I’ll bring dinner in when it’s done, how’s that sound?”

He grinned and skipped away. My friendships, my relationships, they were something else. Despite being fucked beyond belief, they were some of the strongest. That’s why they worked, just like Jack had said. We overlook those major cracks in the armor and see each other just the way we are, scars and imperfections and all.