Drowning in a River of Denial

I cooked dinner for Rian and I and then, as they always did, my thoughts started up. They always came along at such an inconvenient time. They raced around in my head as if they were cars on a Nascar track. I kept coming back to how adorable Rian looked, sitting across the island from me, with that little bit of alfredo sauce on his cheek. I had this odd sensation of wanting to lean over and kiss it off. I had to keep my eyes down, off his face and on my plate. I had to. I would’ve driven myself mad if I hadn’t.

I had zoned out while rinsing dishes. I don’t know what really happened. I didn’t even have a train of thought to lose at that point. I just kind of stepped out of my body and watched as Rian rounded the island bar and stood before me. My body didn’t move until he waved his hand in front of my face. My mouth formed words and his did as well. But I can’t tell you what was said.

It hit me, hard. I wanted so desperately to kiss him. Passionately. Push him against the counter and run my hands along the waistline of his jeans. His hands in my hair, tugging me closer. I watched as my body stepped closer to Rian and leaned down towards him.

Rian’s mouth formed the start of a sentence before I grabbed his chin and pressed our mouths together. I slammed back into my body as Rian’s lips pressed back, one of his hands finding my arm to steady himself. I walked him backwards until his back hit the counter. I lifted him up, letting go of his chin to do so. He sat at the same level as me, his legs spread so I could stand between them. My hands glide up his thighs to those wonderful hips where they stay, my thumbs rubbing concentric circles sloppily. And all the while, his tongue has slipped into my mouth, dancing with my own.

“Alex,” he panted, pushing me away. I stared at him, surprised that he’d let it go on for so long. I expected there to be shouting and shoving. But his response…

“Don’t hate me,” I said quietly. He reached out, grabbed onto my t-shirt and dragged me in close to him.

“Alex,” he trailed off and looked into my eyes. I bit my lip as he pulled me in closer and merged our lips yet again. Pulling away, he whispered, “I could never hate you.”

I kissed him again.

“Good. Because I’m going to do something that you really wouldn’t like it you hated me,” I muttered.

“Oh yeah? And what’s that?”

I pulled him off the counter and set him on his feet. I took his hand, broke our kiss and led him to my bedroom. He went easily, which was still surprising. Rian was just full of surprises, I thought.

“You’re not planning on fucking me, are you?” Rian asked quietly, glancing at the bed. I kissed the corner of his mouth.

“Not until you’re ready. Tonight, I just want to cuddle you some more,” I admitted. Sex with Rian sounded heavenly, I knew he wasn’t anywhere near ready for that. I would never make him go farther than he was ready to, I said to myself.

We lay down and slid the covers over ourselves. I pressed our mouths together again and let myself relax. He followed suit, his hands sliding up my back to the nape of my neck where he twirled pieces of my hair.

“Alex, what are we doing?” he asked quietly, breaking the kiss. I sighed. I always hated that question. It’s almost as bad as “Can we talk?”

“I don’t know, Rian. Do we have to talk about this already?” I ran my hands up and down his sides, dragging my nails lightly. He moaned quietly.

“Come on, Alex. You’re gay and I’m not,” he said soberly.

“Riiiiiiian,” I whined, nipping at Rian’s jaw. “You’re not straight, even if you aren’t gay.”

Rian pushed me off. I groaned, watching as he climbed off the bed.

“Come back. I’m sorry, alright? I don’t know shit. Now, get your ass back in this bed and let me cuddle the fuck out of you.”

“You must really want this, since you’re admitting you’re wrong. I’ve never heard you give in that easily,” he chuckled and crawled back over me, kissing me softly.

“Well, what can I say? You’re an incredible kisser,” I winked, pulling Rian down into my arms and kissing his hairline. We settled down into each other almost instantaneously and it just felt right. But Rian’s reaction to my comment gnawed hungrily at my thoughts as we drifted to sleep. Why did he care so much?