Drowning in a River of Denial

“Where the fuck is Gaskarth?” Matt yelled, storming into my apartment. I looked up from the book I was reading, and raised my eyes at him.

“How should I know? He left this morning and hasn’t been back. I’m not his babysitter, Matt,” I replied before turning back to my book.

“No, but you’re his friend and you should be worried that he’s missing and isn’t answering his phone. Especially since Jack said he was kinda upset this morning when he showed up at Jack’s apartment!”

I sighed and put my bookmark in the book and closed it. I stood up and looked at the stressed manager.

“Did you check the bars?” I asked, following him out of the apartment, taking my keys with me and locking the door behind me.

“Of course we did! He’s not there!” Matt sounded as if he was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

“Let me try calling him. I’m pretty sure he’ll answer if he sees it’s me.”

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed Alex’s number by heart. It rang twice, then twice more before he answered.

“I don’t wanna talk to you,” he said.

“Then why did you answer?”

He sighs, since he knows I’m right, and replies, “Come get me. We need to talk.”

“Sure. Where are you?”

He gives me the address of some café he stumbled upon and says, “Alone, please.”

I agreed and turned to Matt.

“I found him, but I can’t bring you.”

He stared at me, and shook his head.

“Fine. Just… let me know when you get back home.”

“Yes, Mom.”

I got in my car and drove to the café. I headed inside and found Alex in the corner, playing with his phone. Sliding into the seat across from him, I took the phone from him and shut it off. I shut mine off and set them both down on the table.

“No distractions,” I explained. He nodded and handed me a cup of coffee from beside him. I took a sip and smiled inwardly. It was exactly the way I liked my coffee.

“You don’t hate me, do you, Ri?”

“No, I don’t hate you.”

“So… what happened?” Alex asked sheepishly.

“I’m freaked out, Lex. I’m not gay but here I am, enjoying kissing my best friend, who’s a guy.”

“You don’t have to be freaked out. I’m never gonna make you do anything you don’t want to do.”

I nod slowly and look up at Alex who’s playing with his hands, all of his attention focused on how his fingers are slotted together. I reach over the table and take one of his hands in mine. He looks up at me and I smile.

“I’m sorry about this morning. I’m scared.”

“Of what?” Alex leaned towards me, holding tight onto my hand. Neither of us broke the gaze between us.

“What everyone’ll say. I mean, you’re Alex fucking Gaskarth, everyone already kinda knew that you liked guys…”

“No one really thinks you’re straight, Rian,” he cut me off.

“Really?”

“Well, at least, Jack and I don’t think you are. Not all the way.”

For being right around 6 o’clock, the café was surprisingly dead. The only noises were the baristas talking and the smooth jazz collection playing overhead. I had to say, I was surprised that they didn’t have on some Mumford & Sons or something most coffee shops play.

“Yeah…”

Alex leaned farther towards me and pressed two fingers to the underside of my chin. I leaned into him and he chuckled before connecting our lips. He tasted like coffee. His tongue teased my lower lip and I opened up for him. His tongue explored, as if it were its first time in.

“As much as I support gay love, this is a no PDA establishment,” one of the baristas said from a few feet away. I pulled away quickly and sat back in my chair and stared at my lap. I wanted so bad to continue.

“No problem, man. We were just leaving. C’mon, Ri,” Alex grabbed my hand and we left, dumping our cups in the trash on the way out. “Still want me to do this?”

He kissed me and I ran my hands through his hair, his soft mop of brown. It was a semi-normal color at that point. Earlier in the year, when we’d gone to Brazil, he’d died his hair this purplish-brown color which was sexy.

“Rian,” he moaned as I tugged at the strands that were wrapped around my fingers.

“Home,” I requested.

“We both have a car,” he pointed out.

“Shit, well, I’ll meet you back there?”

“You really want this?” he asked, pressing a kiss to my jaw and then to my neck.

“Yes, Lex, I really want this,” I groaned.

“Well, then, I’ll race you home,” he winked and took off. I laughed and ran after him.