Consequence

For the first time in his career, Jonathan purposely skipped practice without notifying anyone of his decision. There was a strong chance that he would get suspended for couple of games, but that shit was literally the last thing on his mind. God, he didn't fucking know where to begin because this was seriously all new to him, this father-thing, but he kept remembering what his own dad had told him during a summer stay with the family after Cooper had been born.

Jonathan's father was a wise man, and he had raised Jon and his brother up to be a lot better than that, leaving his kid out of his life because he didn't want to associate with it, but his father understood the situation and the pressures that were being exerted on Jon during the time. For the first time, though, Jon felt like he had brought shame to his family; they didn't give two fucks when he got arrested with T.J. Oshie when they were just kids, because that's literally what it was: them being kids.

The way Bryan looked at Jonathan that day, outside on their porch while the sun was setting beyond the edge of the horizon, his words had left quite the impact on Jonathan, but he hadn't understood them until the moment he laid eyes on Cooper.

Fail with consequence, his dad told him, but lose with eloquence, and smile.

Goddamn, what was the fucking difference? Jon thought that if you failed, you lost, and if you lost, you fuckin' failed, and that was that. They were the same goddamn thing, Jesus Christ, but then he saw Cooper and the difference was beyond distinguishable; Jonathan had the sentence running through his mind for hours, just repeating over and over like a Walt Whitman reading, his lips following along silently.

He dreamed about it; failing, consequences, losing, eloquence, and smile. Jonathan woke up and the first thing that he saw were the words written in white against the black background of his closed eyes, burned there like a lasting scar. It made fucking sense, holy shit, and he realized he'd been living his entire life the wrong way; it wasn't about winning, God, it was about making the effort and realizing that you still tried.

Jonathan walked into his lawyer's office without an appointment, and he caught the eye of the receptionist almost immediately; any other day, had this not been a life changing kind-of thing, Jon would have more than likely hit on her and fucked her later on. She wasn't important, though, and he instead treated her with respect and asked to see Martin.

His lawyer was almost immediately confused when Jon began to babble about Cooper, and after ushering him into his office and sitting him down with a cold bottle of water, Jon's entire face lit with a smile. It was the first genuine grin Martin had saw on his face in years.

"My daughter," Jon said, "looks just like me."

Martin had kids, did he ever, so he could understand Jonathan's enthusiasm about how his daughter had most of his characteristics, but Martin also knew that it was bad. They had discussed this situation more times than anything else in Toews's career; he was strictly forbidden from having any connections with the little girl, and especially her mother, due to the limitations that it would put onto his image. It was standard publicity control, see, but Martin knew that the day would come when Jonathan would see Cooper, and it wouldn't have a good outcome.

"Jonathan," the elderly man said, clearing his throat. "We talked about this, you know that you're not supposed to have any contact with the child or the mother. It's stated in your contract, even, that if you break it you could be terminated."

Toews shook his head and stood up, waving his hand at his side quickly. "Fuck that, I don't give a shit about the goddamn NHL, Martin. This is my daughter, and she's growing up without me around." He managed to turn around at the perfect spot to see Martin's family pictures scattered across the wall; it was almost ridiculous how a man could be such a home-oriented man, but once in the office he was all about business. A business that kept professional athletes from claiming their children, of all things; Jon would have laughed a month ago, or hell, even two days ago. Not now, however. His mouth ran bitter, turning back to his lawyer.

Martin pulled his glasses from his face and pinched the bridge of his nose; he could feel his blood hardening in his veins, body suddenly submersed within a hot ocean of emotions. "What do you want to do about it, Jon?" Martin asked honestly, because at this point, there wasn't a lot that Jon could do; it'd been six years, he'd paid all his support-collections on time every month. For a moment, he stared at Jonathan, and when he saw the look in his dark brown eyes, he almost fuckin' knew what was going through his sneaky mind. "No, absolutely not," Martin said, throwing his hand flat.

"I want her in my life," Jon said, crossing the room at break-neck speed and sitting back down in front of the desk. "I just want to be able to have her every once in a while."

"When?" Martin asked, smiling as a wry chuckle passed his lips. "Before you play against the Stars or after you fuck a bunch of puck-sluts?"

"I want to sue for custody," Jonathan said, the most serious look on his face. "Martin, this isn't a joke."

His lawyer blinked at him, "Jon, you won't have a chance."

"You don't understand," he said, shaking his head. "I have to do this, man. There's no other way to make sure I can see Cooper."

It was fucking risky, that much Martin was sure of, but for some reason it made sense in the way that only Jonathan could make things seem. Taking something like that into court during that time of year was sickening; Jon had important games coming up, ones that he really fucking couldn't miss, but Martin felt a twitch inside of his heart. The man just wanted his kid, Jesus, was that really such a horrible thing? It's not like he was a horrible father, he was just... not one, in a traditional sense.

"Jon," Martin sighed, running his hands through his thinning hair. "This is going to be dangerous, and risky, and you could lose everything you have."

For a moment, all the lawyer could see of his client was his back; still gazing down at the street beneath his office window, Jon's shoulders were hunched up around his neck slightly and he was breathing shallowly, but calmly. After what seemed like forever, he finally turned around and looked Martin dead in the eyes.

"Without Cooper in my life," Jon whispered, "I have absolutely nothing to lose."

---

Patrick Kane damn near ran down the hallway to his friend's apartment, banging on the door loudly while he attempted to catch his breath; he waited, listening intently for the approaching footsteps, and no sooner than the door opened, he fucking grabbed Jon by the collar of his shirt and pushed him against the wall closest to him.

"What the fuck were you thinking?!" Patrick shouted, shuffling around as Jon tried to push his hands away from his body. "You skipped practice without informing anyone? Are you fuckin' retarded or something, Jon?!"

Toews managed to elbow Kane in the stomach, a soft oof flooding out between his lips while they scuffled more; neither had the upper hand, honestly, because all four hands had a vice-grip on something that was attached to the opposite person. They breathed heavily, not used to horseplay much at all, and finally Patrick managed a weak, truce, truce, before letting go of Jon and he doing the same to Pat.

Kaner looked at Jon from his bent-knee position and shook his head. "I ought to kill you, taking a cheap shot like elbowing someone in the stomach. Who taught you to fuckin' fight, you dick?"

"Your mom," Jon said, wiping at the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand, and to add insult to his injury further, he added, "and your sisters."

"If I wasn't such a good friend, I'd punch you in the fuckin' face right now," Patrick laughed, nodding while Jon helped him up from against the wall and patted his back. "God, man, you're bony-as-fuck, Toe-ez."

Their bare feet padded against the wooden floor of Jon's apartment and Patrick looked around, seeing a few things that were completely out of place within his friend's home; children's toys were scattered in boxes across the floor, young girls' outfits still on the hangers. "Creepy," he said, picking up a set of bows, and staring at them with a stony look on his face. "You dating a toddler, dude?"

"No," Jon said, rolling his eyes while walking around the couch to sit down, propping his feet against the coffee table. "They're for Cooper."

Cooper? Patrick mouthed, the word floating through his mind, his brain working overtime in trying to figure out who in the fuck this mystery person was; Jon watched with his brows raised as Pat looked around the room, mouth open just the slightest, and finally a look of realization came across his features. "The kid," Patrick said, pointing his finger at Jon. "You got a kid, dude."

Toews nodded, and he wondered what Patrick was thinking while looking at all the things he had recently bought, every intention of going to Poppy's house soon to give them to his daughter. He was already getting defensive, yanking away a toy from Pat's grasp when he started to open it; Kane froze, looking surprised. "Don't touch it," he said, swatting at Kaner's hands again. "I want Coop to open them."

"This kid," Patrick said, waving his hand around absentmindedly, "does she even know you exist? I thought you had that shit taken care of a long time ago, dude, before we even got to being friends."

"I did," Jonathan said, nodding.

Patrick leaned his head forward expectantly, waiting for more. "And what is up with this like, new change in you, bro?"

Jonathan looked over at Patrick and shrugged his shoulders. "You wouldn't understand, you ain't got a kid," he whispered, folding a dress carefully, not leaving any wrinkles. "Or at least, not one that you know of."

"Hope it stays that way," Patrick winced, sucking in air through his team with a grimace. "No way am I ready to be a father," he paused, pursing his lips. "If ever."

"Listen," Jon said, throwing a hanger onto the floor. "I can't imagine what it must feel like for her to see her friends with their fathers, and wonder what she did to not be deserving of that presence in her life." He leaned his elbows onto his knees, hunching over, and rubbed his temples. "She didn't ask to be born, Pat, she didn't ask to be my daughter. Poppy and I made the choice to be irresponsible, and I've been even more reckless by trying to hide Cooper, like I'm ashamed of her."

"But you are," Patrick said, raising his hands up in confusion. "You had Martin fight tooth and nail so that the press wouldn't ever get pieces of news about it, and you made Poppy sign a confidentiality agreement stipulating that if she released any information about Cooper at all, she'd lose all of the settlement and your arrangement with child services would be voided."

Jonathan turned around and looked at Patrick, his face stony and hard, and he was fucking shocked. "I thought you didn't know fucking shit about my situation, how the fuck do you remember this?"

"Because I'm your friend and I give two shits about your fucking situations," Patrick said, rolling his eyes, looking like it was the simplest answer to a question in the world. "Okay, I might sit here and act like a goddamn idiot, but I listen to every word you fuckin' say," he said, "and you can get all hissy-pissy about it, but you know as well as I do that you're acting weirder than shit right now with this Cooper stuff."

Toews stood up, tossing his hand at his side, toward Patrick. "I'm not acting weird, I'm accepting my responsibilities."

"Dude," Patrick said, following behind him as he went into the bedroom, trying to escape the pest. "Paying thousands upon thousands of dollars a month so Cooper gets the shit she wants is you accepting your responsibilities." Kane leaned against the wall, watching Jon lay down on the bed. "This shit right now? Jon, I don't know what you're doing."

Jon turned to face him. "I'm doin' the right goddamn thing."

"No," Patrick said. "You're fucking up something good. That kid hadn't felt disappointment until you started going around there, more than what the court suggested, and you started making promises that you knew damn well you couldn't keep." He watched Jon, shrugging. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Coop doesn't even know what you look like, more than likely."

"She looks exactly like me, Pat," Jon whispered. "Cooper has every piece of me within her, she knows what I look like because she is me. Fuck, Pat, she's my flesh and blood." Jon stood up and Patrick took a step back, bumping hard into the frame of the door; Jon figured he thought he was going to get his face busted for saying the shit that he had been, but that wasn't the case. "I gave her life, Patrick, my entire legacy is that child. There is another part of me living on this earth now, and I've been oblivious to how beautiful and perfect she is."

Patrick swallowed and he felt tears in his fucking eyes, goddamn Jon for making him cry. "I'm sorry," he said, "because I don't know what that's like." Kaner cleared his throat and exhaled, meeting eyes with Jon for a moment. "Am I her uncle?"

"Godparent," Jon said, smiling. "I want you to be her godparent, man. That's how much you mean to me. You'll like her, Pat. She's so beautiful."

"I dunno 'bout that," Patrick said, not being able to stop the smile crossing his face. "I mean, I guess you're a decent looking guy but if she looks exactly like you, I think I kind-of feel bad for the kid."

Jonathan laughed the first good laugh of the day, nodding as he grabbed Patrick by the shoulder and lead him into the kitchen, offering to fix him something to eat since he knew he'd just gotten done with practice. It was a turning point for Jon, to start doing things for others and giving up things for himself; for the past few years, he'd been the only person he really looked out for, but Jon guessed he realized some of the greatest pleasures to be had were during the moments of selflessness that humans had the chance to experience.

Yeah, Jon really liked the sound of that, and he loved the way that it made him feel, even more.